I Want To Break Up With My Boyfriend: Healthy Splits And Mental Health

Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW and Majesty Purvis, LCMHC
Updated October 14, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Deciding to end a romantic relationship can be challenging. People choose to break up for many reasons, but deciding how to do so healthily can be confusing if you don't want to hurt your boyfriend's feelings or are generally conflict-avoidant. Some strategies you might use include healthy communication, confiding in a professional, and reducing cognitive distortions and blame. 

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Ending a relationship can be challenging

I want to break up with my boyfriend — Is this the right decision?

People may end a serious relationship for various reasons, including their partner's actions. A 2021 study found that the top six reasons for breaking up among a surveyed population of adults were incompatibility, boredom, loss of feelings, cheating, long-distance relationships, and family disapproval. Throughout an extended period, these challenges might hurt the individuals involved and make them wonder if staying together is the right decision.

If you're having trouble deciding how you feel about your relationship, you might consider asking yourself the following questions to better understand your emotions:

  • Do you and your boyfriend have the same goals for your relationship? 
  • Do your core values align?
  • Do you have any interests in common? 
  • Do you feel like your partner challenges you to grow?
  • Do you like who you are in the relationship?
  • Do you and your partner communicate effectively and healthily? 
  • Do you feel you can tell your boyfriend anything?
  • Do you believe your boyfriend actively listens to you when you communicate? 
  • Do you trust him? 
  • Have your feelings changed from when you first started dating?
  • Do you argue often? 
  • Can you picture your life without your partner in it?
  • Do you often think, "I want to break up with my boyfriend"?

Deciding whether to break up with your boyfriend may require honesty, introspection, and respect for your values. Give yourself time to reflect on the above questions. You might try journaling or creating a pros and cons list about breaking up. Reflecting on all angles of the situation may help you decide, even if it's difficult.  

Note that some situations may not be safe. If you are experiencing verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, it may be safest to leave your relationship as soon as possible. You're not alone in this step.

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Methods of healthily ending a relationship

When you've decided you're ready to end your relationship, there are a few ways you can do so healthily, including the following. 

Use active communication and listening skills

Communication skills can be beneficial whether you use them in a relationship or while breaking up with someone. Find a time with your partner to sit down and discuss the end of the relationship. Let them know upfront why you're ending it, and be honest. Even if the reasoning hurts them, knowing you don't control your partner's emotional responses can be helpful. It is normal for others to experience challenging emotions or cry when being broken up with. 

If your partner has insights, actively listen to them, but remain firm in your boundary. Be prepared for them to ask you to reconsider. If you're not open to this possibility, it can be crucial to let them know there's no chance for reconciliation. If you're looking to have no contact after the breakup, you may also let them know you're no longer interested in talking or being friends. However, some people choose to remain friends with their ex after a breakup if the relationship is healthy. 

Break up in person

If it is safe to do so, consider breaking up in person. Some people may try to break up with a partner over text or "ghost" them completely, but these actions can be hurtful to the other person and don't offer closure. If you love and respect this individual and feel comfortable, meeting with them in person gives them a chance to see you, hear your boundaries, and say goodbye. 

If your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, it may be best to cut off contact completely without meeting up. Putting your safety in jeopardy for the benefit of another person can be unhealthy and risky. If you need to see them in person, scheduling a therapy session or bringing a friend along for support could be possible.

Reduce judgment, blame, and other cognitive distortions

Breaking up may bring up uncomfortable or painful topics for both parties. You may find that you argue with your ex-boyfriend while talking about this decision. If this is the case, try to catch any cognitive distortions or unhealthy thoughts as they arise. Cognitive distortions are thinking traps that many people fall into which leads to perceiving reality inaccurately. Blaming your boyfriend for every argument or challenge in the relationship may not be helpful as you move forward, and judging him for his emotional reactions or ways of dealing with the breakup could also be unhealthy. 

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Ending a relationship can be challenging

If you have difficulty breaking up with him without responding to these thought patterns, you might consider asking for a few days alone to process these thoughts before you break up. Having a plan for how and when you want to end the relationship can help you come to the conversation ready to make your choice.  

Take responsibility if needed

Relationships end for various reasons, and sometimes the breakup is mutual. If you have made mistakes in the relationship that you are not proud of, it might be valuable to own up to these mistakes. Apologize for how you may have hurt your ex and let them know if you are breaking up with them because the relationship has felt unhealthy or unsustainable on both sides. 

Don’t go back on your word

Your ex-boyfriend may ask you to reconsider your decision to break up. If he begs you to get back together, tries to tell you he will change or continues to contact you after you've asked him not to, don't go back on your word. You might still love him or feel the urge to reconcile, but reminding yourself of why you broke up and taking time to process these thoughts can help you decide whether returning to your ex-partner is what you want. 

Attend individual or couples therapy

Relationship breakups can have an impact on our mental health. Professional support may be beneficial in some cases. In fact, you don't have to be in crisis or on the verge of breaking up to use it. An individual or couples therapist can guide you in understanding your relationship patterns and decisions and help you move forward healthily.

If you have trouble finding in-person therapy that fits your budget or can't make it work with your schedule, you can also try online platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. An online platform lets couples meet with a therapist via phone, video, or chat. In addition, they can meet from two separate locations to accommodate long-distance relationships or a busy schedule. Therapists may also counsel couples in breaking up or allow space for a breakup conversation to occur healthily. 

Studies also back up the effectiveness of online therapy. One study found that videoconferencing created a more neutral therapeutic environment compared to traditional therapy. Researchers suggested individuals in this environment felt more control over the outcomes of therapy.

Takeaway

It can be difficult to know if breaking up with someone you love is the right decision, and you might wonder if there's still hope. If you feel that you’re not quite ready to say goodbye to the relationship altogether, you might try to work through problems on your own. You could also reach out to friends, family, or mental health professionals to clarify your choice. Asking yourself questions and being honest about the answers may also help; you could consider whether you and your partner have the same core values, whether you have frequent arguments, and if you still have strong feelings for your significant other. Individual or couples therapy may be beneficial depending on whether you choose to stay together or end the relationship.
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