Definition Of Cheating In A Relationship
Cheating and infidelity can have significant negative impacts on a romantic relationship. However, the actual definition of cheating in a relationship can vary widely from person to person and relationship to relationship. Read on to learn what may be considered cheating in general, eight types of cheating, signs you may be experiencing betrayal and insight into the potential impacts of infidelity.
Definition of cheating in a relationship
The definition of cheating can vary widely depending on who you ask. Generally, it usually refers to when a person in a monogamous partnership has a romantic or sexual connection with someone else without the consent of their partner. With nonmonogamous relationships, it could mean engaging with another person romantically or sexually in a way that violates the parameters or boundaries set with a committed partner.
Fundamentally, cheating is an instance of betrayal and broken trust. It refers to when a person in a committed partnership breaks the agreements that they and their partner have made around loyalty.
Is my partner cheating?
Some people consider watching porn, flirting, or liking someone’s Instagram posts to be unfaithful behavior. On the other end of the spectrum, some couples are OK with their partner engaging in everything except sexual intercourse — meaning they may not consider emotional intimacy, kissing, or cuddling to be an issue. There are also couples who don’t consider sexual intimacy with others to be an issue at all and instead draw the line at emotional affairs. This wide variation is why agreeing on what counts as infidelity with a given partner is usually necessary.
Types of cheating
There are several different types of infidelity that might be considered cheating. Remember that some individuals or couples may count all of these as cheating while others may allow space for some, most, or all of them (in an open relationship, for example). Again, it’s usually crucial to engage in honest communication and agree on clear parameters with your partner(s) on what counts as unfaithful behavior to avoid confusion or hurt feelings.
1. Physical infidelity
Physical infidelity is what most people think of when they hear the word “cheating.” Any kind of physical intimacy or physical contact with another person aside from your committed partner might be considered physical infidelity, including:
- Holding hands
- Kissing
- Cuddling
- Touching
- Foreplay
- Sexual intercourse
2. Emotional cheating or an emotional affair
Emotional cheating can be defined as a person putting significant romantic or emotional energy into someone other than their partner (such as friends or co-workers), though the specifics can be hard to pin down. They may have personal emotions, thoughts, or intimate experiences with someone outside their relationship or in a manner that violates the parameters of their committed partnership. They might also discuss the idea of engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with their emotional affair partner.
Emotional infidelity can be harder to define than physical infidelity because it can have similarities to close friendships. A good rule of thumb: A friendship might cross into the territory of emotional cheating when a person wouldn’t want their partner to hear or see the things they’re saying to or doing with this friend.
3. Fantasizing or sustaining romantic feelings
Finding another person attractive can be natural and is not usually a sign of infidelity. However, if a person finds themselves constantly thinking about someone other than their partner — particularly in a monogamous partnership — it could be an indication of emotional disconnection and may lead to infidelity.
For example, if you are momentarily attracted to the local barista, that’s not usually an issue. However, if you continue to think about that barista after leaving and start getting coffee there every day for a chance to interact with them, it may have moved into potentially problematic territory. While you may not have technically cheated yet, when you begin fantasizing about another person, you may be paving the road for following through if the opportunity presents itself — which could spell trouble for an exclusive commitment.
4. Online cheating
Online cheating can include any sort of intimate online activity that may hurt your partner or break their trust. Again, it depends on the couple, but such activities could include liking the posts of someone to whom you’re attracted, sending inappropriate videos and messages, or having full-blown internet relationships. For some people, engaging with certain social media activities or watching online pornography doesn’t constitute cheating, but it does for others.
Online relationships are also open for discussion for some couples since they often don’t culminate in a physical connection. However, emotional intimacy and/or virtual sexual activity online can be just as hurtful to your partner as an in-person connection, sometimes. Setting clear boundaries around online activity will be important for individuals in relationships who might consider these to be violations.
5. Micro-cheating
Micro-cheating is a term used by some to refer to small instances where trust is breached in a committed partnership. These instances may not qualify as full-blown cheating, but they have the potential to create fractures and gradually dissolve trust within a partnership. Examples of micro-cheating — particularly in a monogamous partnership — might include:
- Keeping dating profiles active
- Pretending to be single
- Flirting
- Maintaining poor boundaries with an ex
- Texting a person to whom you’re attracted
- Keeping secrets
- Talking about sex with someone other than your partner
- Excessive social media interactions with someone other than your partner
- Discussing intimate details of your life with someone else
- Hitting on other people
As with the other types of infidelity, it’s usually important to discuss these boundaries with your significant other, because some examples of micro-cheating may not be a problem for your particular relationship. Alternatively, there may be other behaviors not listed here that could cause your significant other to feel uncomfortable or that may erode trust.
6. Opportunistic cheating
Opportunistic cheating is a type of infidelity that is unplanned and instead occurs out of opportunity. Usually, the person wasn’t looking to cheat on their partner, but when an opportunity presented itself, they took it. In these instances when people cheat, they may still be committed to their partner but give into their momentary sexual desire for another person. These situations often happen when alcohol or drugs are involved and may also be more common when a person is a natural risk-taker or experience-seeker.
7. Long-term affairs
In some cases, partners who cheat have a one-time sexual interaction or an emotional connection that lasts for a short time. However, long-term affairs are a type of infidelity that lasts for an extended period, meaning that the cheating partner has likely poured romantic focus and/or sexual energy into another person for a while. They may also have lied repeatedly to hide the affair. This type of infidelity often has the potential to damage a long-term relationship most significantly.
8. Gray areas
The potential impact of infidelity
- Jealousy
- Paranoia
- Reduced self-esteem
- Increased aggression
- Depression symptoms
- Anxiety symptoms
- Some forms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Mental health effects of cheating
The person who cheated may also experience mental health consequences such as guilt, shame, anger, and emotional turmoil.
Overcoming infidelity within a relationship is usually not an easy task. If you and your partner are working through a past experience of infidelity, it may be helpful to meet with a therapist — individually and/or together. This type of professional can help you sort through the resulting emotions, build back a partner’s trust, and help you feel confident with devising a plan for moving forward.
Signs your partner may be cheating
- Guarding electronic devices
- Changes in sexual frequency with you
- Trouble reaching them when you’re apart
- Inconsistencies with their behavior or stories
- Unexplained spending
- Changes with their schedule
Seeking therapy for concerns about infidelity
There are many different reasons a couple might choose to seek professional help together or attend individual therapy, from emotionally aligning before getting married to finding more productive ways to handle conflict to coping with and learning to rebuild trust through the aftermath of infidelity. An individual might also seek therapy with a licensed marriage or family therapist to sharpen relationship skills like communication and conflict resolution or to get personalized emotional support for relationship challenges.
Mental health support through online therapy
Takeaway
In general, cheating is when one partner in a committed romantic partnership is emotionally and/or physically intimate with another person in a way that transgresses the parameters they’ve set with their partner. That said, every couple has a different sense of what constitutes cheating in a marriage or committed relationship, so it’s usually important to discuss your boundaries with your partner or spouse to come to a mutual understanding.
If you’d like help broaching these topics or need help navigating and overcoming infidelity in your relationship, you might consider professional help with online or in-person couples therapy.
Read the above article to learn what may be considered infidelity in general, eight types of cheating, signs you may be experiencing betrayal, and insight into the potential impacts of infidelity.
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