Marriage And Family Advice: Is It Time To Seek Relationship Therapy?

Intimate relationships can be challenging, and many couples struggle to communicate, express love, and compromise. If you're unhappy in your relationship, looking to learn new relationship skills, or want to explore a certain topic with your partner, relationship therapy may be beneficial. Learning more about how relationship therapy functions can help you decide on a provider and make informed decisions for your relationship's future. 

Is feeling unhappy in a relationship normal?

Relationships are often expected to remain fun and exciting, full of date nights and passion, but it's not uncommon for people to feel unhappy in a relationship. When a relationship dynamic changes, a couple might become uncertain about their connection, emotions, or next steps. Doubt can be normal; if you’re experiencing this feeling, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you.

When partners enter relationships, they may overlook minor flaws or unwanted behaviors due to the rush of love chemicals in the brain. Over time, these tendencies can change as the stages of love change. Some people might see these shifts as signs of an unhappy relationship and worry that they have experienced a loss of love or intimacy. 

Dissatisfaction can be a common part of relationships and long-term commitment. However, this concern may signify a more profound challenge if you are experiencing extreme distress, constant arguments, or unhealthy dynamics. These complications may eventually lead to a negative relationship. Talking to a therapist can help you understand your dynamic with your partner and decide how you want your relationship to proceed. 

How to address unhappiness in your relationship

Below are a few strategies and aspects of relationship advice to determine your next steps in a relationship you feel unhappy in.

Stay true to yourself

Although lying or covering up the truth to make your partner feel better may be tempting, try to be honest about your emotions with your partner. Experiencing periods of relationship dissatisfaction can be normal in healthy relationships. However, if you are consistently unhappy in the relationship, talking to your partner can help you develop solutions sooner. If you struggle to have this conversation with them, you can try meeting with a therapist for mediation. 

Honesty with yourself about your current emotional state can also allow you to have a clearer perspective on your personal needs. If you know you're unhappy in a relationship, you can start developing a strategy to improve your situation. Look at other areas of your daily life and be honest about what might be impacting your overall health and well-being. Are you experiencing family conflicts, major life transitions, or uncertainty about your future? These areas may all affect how you feel about your relationship. 

Speak respectfully about feeling unhappy in your relationship

When communicating with your partner about feeling unhappy, use discretion and speak with respect. Be clear about your current mindset and resist picking fights. If you're confused or believe you’re being disrespected, convey that to your partner. Let them know what you need and that it may take more than a date night to get back on track. If you aren’t sure if you want to be with your partner anymore and need space, you can ask for it. Setting boundaries can be effective in any situation, not only during a conflict. 

Discussing options for resolution to unhappiness in your relationship

After having an honest conversation with your partner, getting on the same page, and determining your needs, it can be valuable to develop a plan. Based on your thoughts about the situation and conversations with your partner, you might decide on one of the following options.  

Revisit your marriage and family goals 

Begin by asking yourself and your partner if your original goals when establishing the relationship are the same. For example, have your views on dating, family, marriage, or children changed since you started the relationship? If you've found that you no longer are in love with your partner or are unhappy in the relationship, you might also choose to leave. Choosing a breakup can be overwhelming, but it can be healthy if you’ve already put forth your best efforts and know it's the right choice for you. Have a conversation with your partner and let them know how your priorities or feelings have shifted. 

Stay the same 

Making no changes is another potential resolution. You can choose to let the progression of the relationship continue naturally. However, if you find that you are constantly feeling unhappy or are in significant emotional distress, this option might not benefit you in the long term. Waiting for a change without acting might not make you happy. 

Seek individual counseling for self-esteem and mental health

You can attend individual counseling to learn new ways of thinking, communicating, and coping based on the experiences that you've had that may be contributing to an unhappy marriage or relationship. An individual therapist may help you develop techniques to use with your partner in your relationship. 

Seek couples therapy with a licensed therapist for life satisfaction

You and your partner can also choose to pursue couples counseling together and commit to resolving the underlying conflicts or challenges in your relationship. Marriage counseling, couples therapy, and family therapy can be highly beneficial and offer couples a chance to talk with a mediator in the room while learning unique relationship-based skills. Therapy can create space to help you gain clarity on your situation and provide you with coping skills to meet your goals. 

Willingness to attend therapy is often part of improving the relationship for both partners. If one partner doesn't want to make the relationship work or isn't interested in relationship counseling, attending therapy is unlikely to be very effective. However, when couples are dedicated to the process, couples therapy can be a powerful tool that yields significant results for healthy relationships. One study found that over 70% of couples believed that couples therapy was effective. If you want to learn more about couples therapy before attending, you may be able to schedule consultations with several providers. 

Solutions for an unhappy relationship: Is it time to seek relationship therapy?

Some couples may believe that counseling is only for those with a mental illness or for married couples who are in the process of divorcing. However, anyone can attend couples counseling for any reason. Many people use couples therapy sessions as a tool to plan for future conflict, learn healthy relationship skills, and understand the science behind love.

No matter your concern, whether you feel happy or unhappy, couples therapy could be helpful and benefit you. You can choose a structured, creative, or loose approach to counseling, depending on the modality you pick. Though many partners wait to meet with a provider until a conflict has become significant, you can meet with a therapist at any point in your relationship. 

Poor communication, intimacy issues, and other reasons to seek couples therapy

Common reasons couples might go to therapy can include the following: 

• Being unheard 
• A lack of intimacy or an unfulfilling sex life
• Frequent arguments
• Living parallel lives
• Communication concerns
• Anger concerns
• Life transitions 
• Chronic stress
• Infidelity
• Infertility 
• Mental illness
• Adoption or fostering
• Polyamory
• Family conflict
• Disagreements 
• Differences in core values
• Different love languages
• Unwanted behavior from a spouse
• Issues with an in-law or parent 

What to expect in a couples therapy or couples counseling session with a licensed therapist

Every relationship is unique, and while you may discuss similar problems with other relationships, a therapist can take the time to learn about your unique situation. The first few couples therapy sessions may be dedicated to discussing your primary relationship concerns and any maladaptive patterns. During the first few sessions, your licensed therapist may also take account of your mental health history or personal concerns. Some couples therapists make it a point to meet with each client individually before meeting with them together. 

After the intake session, the sessions may shift to discussing solutions in further detail. The therapist can educate you about the research behind relationship wellness and may lead you and your partner in exercises to strengthen your bond and help you understand your communication patterns. In couples therapy, you could work on many skills, including but not limited to the following: 

• Improving and developing healthy communication skills
• Improving emotional intimacy
• Improving conflict resolution skills
• Developing problem-solving skills 
• Navigating transitions, changes in values, or other life challenges
• Assessing and treating a mental illness that is affecting the relationship
• Rebuilding trust after unfaithfulness or betrayal
• Moving through grief 
• Navigating a divorce, breakup, or separation 
• Discussing family planning, including becoming parents 
• Learning how to spend more quality time together

Couples and their therapist can discuss many topics, so be honest about what you need so your provider can develop a treatment plan to address those needs. 

Marriage and family counseling and other types of relationship therapy

Below are a few different types of relationship therapy couples may consider. 

Couples therapy 

Couples therapy supports couples in all forms as they work through a challenge, meet their goals, and bond on a more profound level. Partners of any age, sexuality, gender, or background may benefit from couples counseling. 

Marriage counseling 

Marriage counseling focuses primarily on married partners and the unique aspects of marriage, as a lifelong commitment can be associated with specific challenges. You can attend marriage therapy regardless of the length of your marriage. Couples who have been together for decades may still benefit from learning and growing together. 

Premarital counseling 

Premarital counseling is an option for engaged couples. This form of relationship therapy is often used to discuss concerns about marriage, commitment, or the wedding. Clients might also discuss milestones associated with their specific marriage situation, such as moving in together or choosing to have kids. Many couples use this tool to improve their bond and understanding of each other before their big day. 

Family therapy 

If your marriage or relationship concerns affect others in your family, you might want to consider family therapy to help you find solutions. Family therapists are trained to address a family as a group and support each other in resolving conflict. 

Imago relationship therapy 

Imago relationship therapy is a type of relationship therapy that focuses on identifying and treating the core concerns of each individual's past. Each partner may have core experiences from childhood that impact their adult relationships. These issues might arise in conversations or when partners are upset with each other. Through Imago relationship therapy, the therapist can help each member of the couple understand how the other processes memories and emotions. 

Gottman couples therapy

The Gottman method integrates relationship interventions based on managing conflict instead of finding solutions. In sessions, the therapist is a relationship expert who makes an initial assessment called a love map to help the couple outline their strengths and growth areas. 

The goals of the Gottman method may include increasing intimacy, affection, and respect in a relationship and removing barriers that create stagnancy. The therapist might also focus on creating a heightened sense of empathy and understanding. You can learn more about this form of couples therapy through the Gottman Institute, founded by doctors John and Julie Gottman. 

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) 

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is a humanistic approach that incorporates the concepts of attachment theory and the innate need that humans have for intimacy and connection. Though EFT can be practiced in couples or family therapy, it can also be practiced in individual therapy. Couples looking to understand their emotional motivations may benefit from this type of counseling. 

Other mental health support options for navigating an unhappy relationship

Relationship therapists help couples establish goals for the relationship and facilitate healthier communication. You may be able to find a therapist that accepts insurance for couples therapy. However, many insurance companies require at least one member of the couple to have a diagnosed mental health condition before offering coverage for couples therapy. In these cases, you might consider internet-based couples counseling. 

Online counseling operates much like in-person therapy, with a few extra benefits. With traditional therapy, you may travel to an office to meet your therapist in person. Online, you can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions with a licensed therapist. Couples can often save travel costs by not having to commute, and some online platforms may allow couples to use nicknames during sessions for more discreet care, which might help you or your partner feel comfortable.  

One study found that internet-based couples therapy was more effective than in-person options for some couples. If you're interested in trying relationship therapy immediately, you can sign up for a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Both platforms offer thousands of therapists licensed to provide various specialties and modalities of treatment.