Is My Relationship Over? Signs It Might Be Time To Leave
Sometimes, it is very clear when you want to leave a relationship. The love is gone, intimacy is absent, and your feelings for your partner have faded away. At other times, it may be more difficult to know when to leave a partner, and relationships can sometimes enter a grey area, a limbo state where one or both partners are unsure about the future of the union. The signs your relationship is over aren’t always clear, and it is likely worthwhile to think carefully about what your relationship is telling you.
Signs your relationship may be ending or over
While relationships can sometimes become complex and make you unsure about whether you want to leave your partner, there are a few circumstances where you should always leave, regardless of other factors. Mainly, behaviors associated with abusive relationships should always be a clear sign that you need to exit your relationship. Some common examples of unacceptable behavior in a relationship include:
Controlling behavior, like only allowing you to visit certain people or dictating how you spend your money.
Manipulative behavior, including lying, gaslighting, or anything that leads you to consistently doubt your memory or sense of reality.
Disparaging behavior, such as insults, put-downs, or extreme criticism.
Aggressive behavior, such as shouting, intimidation, physical violence, or sexual assault.
What should I do if I see these signs?
If your partner displays any of the behaviors listed above, it’s likely time to leave. Don’t look for rationalizations or reasons to excuse their behavior. You are possiblyIt is possible that you are in an abusive relationship, and it is important to place your own well-being above that of the relationship. If you’re having trouble leaving or you need further guidance, resources are available to help you develop a safety plan.
If you or someone you know is experiencing dangerous or abusive behavior at the hands of their partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also seek assistance through the hotline's online chat.
Is my relationship over? Watch out for Gottman’s signs
John Gottman, relationship expert and founder of the Gottman InstituteGottman Institute, is known for his “four horsemen” that signal the end of a relationship. While Gottman’s horsemen aren’t the only signs a relationship is failing, his work is based on empirical research of thousands of couples, making his conceptualization of what causes a romantic union to come apart a good starting point for evaluating your own relationship.
Gottman’s four horsemen include defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt.
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It often includes making excuses, disregarding the original complaint, or playing the victim.
Criticism is normal in a healthy relationship when it is presented with kindness and respect. If criticism is excessive or overbearing, it can harm a couple’s emotional connection.
Stonewalling refers to “checking out” of a conversation about the relationship. It’s okay OK to take breaks if needed, but completely refusing to discuss or engage ion talks about topics related to the relationship topics is likely to harm itthe relationship.
Contempt is genuine disrespect and rude communication. Sarcasm, insults, name-calling, and eye-rolling are all examples of contempt. Evidence suggests that contempt is the clearbest predictor of a relationship’s impending end.
Are Gottman’s signs reliable?
Yes, Gottman’s signs that your relationship may be over are reliable. Gottman’s signs may be relatively easy to spot, and it is likely worthwhile to look for their signs in your relationship. Be sure to pay extra-close attention to contempt. If your partner treats you contemptuously, or if you find that you often speak to your partner in the same way, it is likely that there are serious problems in your relationship that need to be addressed.
Other signs your relationship may have run its course
If your partner treats you with general courtesy and civility, it can be much more challenging to decide when to leave a relationship. Despite this, there are some key signs that may indicate to you that your connection with your partner has broken down.
Decreased communication
Empathetic, kind, and honest communication is generally considered essential for a committed relationship. Good communication isn’t as important for light topics; the challenging skills to develop usually involve discussing difficult or sensitive issues. You and your partner’s usual fun banter might form a good communication foundation, but if you are unable to discuss big issues, you may struggle to have trouble problem-solving and grow together as a couple.
Aggressive or confrontational behavior in communication is also a warning sign, and it is commonly considered a form of contempt. Remember Gottman’s research: Contempt is one of the best clearest predictors that a relationship will soon end. It is vitally important that communication be kind and respectful for a relationship to be happy and healthy.
Lack of intimacy
When discussing intimacy, many people think of physical intimacy, which includes sex and other forms of physical touch. While sexual intimacy is important for most, another type of intimacy, emotional intimacy, often goes overlooked. Being intimate emotionally often refers to things that bring you and your partner closer together as people, such as shared hobbies, new experiences, secret-keeping, and other forms of trust.
If your relationship lacks physical and emotional intimacy, it is possible that the connection between you and your partner has weakened to the point that the relationship is no longer acceptable for one or both of you. Everyone has their own level of intimacy that is necessary for them to feel secure in their relationship. If your intimacy needs aren’t met, it may be time to leave.
Lack of trust
Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. There are many forms of trust, and everyone has a conceptualization of trust that works for them in a relationship. If you feel the sense that you can’t trust your partner, take time to consider why. They may demonstrate behavior that erodes trust or otherwise act in a way that is inconsistent with your conceptualization of trustworthiness. Identifying why you find it challenging to trust your partner is likely important; your past experiences may make it hard to trust regardless of your partner’s actions.
Diverging goals
Most committed couples work together towards a shared future, aligning their goals and efforts. If you struggle to envision future plans with your partner, or they don’t seem interested in long-term goals with you, it may be a sign that one of you doesn’t take the relationship as seriously as the other. It is typically important that both partners conceptualize the relationship similarly. If one person wants something casual, and the other wants something serious, it is likely that a deep meaningful connection will be difficult to form.
Thoughts of being with other people
It’s generally considered normal to occasionally fantasize about romantic encounters with others while in a relationship. Fantasies are a normal part of being human, and it does not mean that a relationship is over. However, fantasizing about leaving a relationship may indicate something different. If you frequently dream of leaving your partner, being single, or being with someone else, pay attention to those feelings. They may be telling you that your feelings for your partner can no longer support the relationship.
What if I don’t want my relationship to end?
Some of the signs of trouble in a relationship discussed above may have resonated with you. They may justify leaving your relationship. You deserve happiness, and if you’re not happy with your current partner, you are free to leave. However, if you see potential in your relationship and aren’t overwhelmed by red flags, you might wonder if the relationship can be repaired.
If you determine that you are not in an abusive relationship and want your partnership to continue, you should consider speaking to your companion about couples counseling.
Communicate with your partner
If you want your relationship to continue, you should consider speaking to your partner about couples counseling. Evidence suggests that couples counseling significantly improves relationship satisfaction for about 70% to 80% of couples who try it.
Consider counseling
Experts recommend that you go to counseling as soon as you start sensing relationship frustrations. The sooner you and your partner start counseling, the more likely it is that you will see substantial success. You can meet with a licensed clinical psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or another mental health professional who specializes in relationships.
How an online therapist can help you answer the question, “Is my relationship over?”
It may be worthwhile to try online therapy if couples counseling is of interest to you and your partner. Online therapists via platforms like ReGain for couples and BetterHelp for individuals have the same credentials and training as their in-person counterparts. They also use the same evidence-based techniques, like behavioral couples therapy.
The benefits of online therapy
Online therapy has seen a surge in growth in recent years, which spurred many studies investigating whether therapy delivered remotely works as well as traditional therapy. While research is still ongoing, there is mounting evidence that, in most cases, online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy.
Takeaway
If your relationship is ending, it's likely there will be signs that appear before the union dissolves. One of the most significant is the appearance of contempt, which refers to disrespectful or insulting communication. Other common signs that a relationship has run its course include a lack of trust, no intimacy, poor communication, and diverging goals. If a person doesn’t want their relationship to end but recognizes that some signs are present, it is likely that couples counseling — be it online or in person — can be helpful if both partners agree that they want the relationship to continue.
How to tell if a relationship is over?
Feeling relationship frustrations is completely normal from time to time, and doesn’t necessarily signal the end of a relationship. There are not really many hard and fast rules about when to end a relationship, outside the presence of abuse.
One of the hardest disconnects is when two people have opposing communication styles. For example, if one partner engages in aggressive or confrontational behaviour while the other is largely and entirely non-confrontational, this kills communication. Partners like this co-create an unraveling intimacy as one becomes silent or passive aggressive and the other digs in and gets more frustrated, and it makes it far more difficult to patch things up.
That being said, barring abuse, communication problems can be solved. It’s a matter of both partners being invested in putting in the work of changing their communication styles and healing the breach.
When to stop fighting for a relationship?
Everyone’s mileage may vary when it comes to ending a relationship. However, for many people that time is when they feel that they’ve taken on all of the emotional and/or practical burden of the relationship. When one partner has stopped talking, is no longer vulnerable (or never was), the partner trying to break through can feel drained. It may feel off-putting at first, but some relationships are saved when a person pulls back and refuses to fight anymore. When that step is taken, the other partner may wake up and realize that they need to change and be willing to work, or they may let you go. Either way you’ll have your answer.
How do you know it's time to leave a relationship?
A huge sign that it may be time to leave a relationship is when behaviour erodes trust. Even when there are underlying issues, or constant disagreements, with trust a relationship can be rebuilt.
A lack of communication or a lack of intimacy can also be an indication that a relationship may be near the end, especially if both partners are not invested in fixing the problems. One partner allowing the other to hope for change without actually putting in the work, or refusing to see a therapist together can be a strong sign.
What are the stages of ending a relationship?
The stages of change can also be applied to the ending of a relationship. These include:
- Precontemplation
- Contemplation
- Preparation
- Action
- Maintenance
How to tell if a relationship will last?
One huge component of lasting relationships is that despite temporary feelings of frustration, you maintain a deep connection born of hearing and understanding each other’s perspectives. Partners feel comfortable sharing emotions, and participate in engaging conversations about their interests on a regular basis. People in healthy long-term relationships often share the same goals and core values, even when they disagree about different things.
How to tell if a relationship is failing?
A relationship may be failing if there is a lack of trust, a lack of communication, a lack of intimacy, or any combination of the three.
How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?
If, despite the challenges you are facing, you still think of yourself as part of a team, it can be worthwhile to save the relationship. Also, if both you and your partner care for each other in a friendly way despite a growing lack of intimacy. The important factor is that both you and your partner are willing to work together on fixing communication problems and rebuild what you had before.
How to fix a broken relationship?
It can be extremely tempting to walk away from a relationship when things get difficult. Communication problems can be a common challenge in a real relationship, but a communication breakdown can be repaired if both parties are willing to try.
The best way to start is to see a couples therapist. A professional can be a third party who helps you to see each other’s perspective, and to heal the rift. They can offer tools and strategies for better communication and help you to rebuild intimacy in the relationship.
How do you know if your relationship is beyond repair?
There are different indicators for everyone, but a common indicator is when a person begins to see their life without their partner. It may start to feel natural to make plans or to think about the future alone rather than as one of a team.
How to accept a relationship is over?
When a relationship ends, the people affected often go through a mourning period just as you would for the death of a loved one. After all, it’s the death of an important relationship. It doesn’t happen overnight, there may be periods of profound sadness, anger, acceptance, and then sadness again. There is no solid template to follow. It can be important during this time to practice self-care. Be kind to yourself, maintain strong social connection with your other loved ones, and give yourself space to grieve.
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