Is my relationship over? Signs it might be time to leave

Sometimes, it is very clear when you want to leave a relationship. The love is gone, intimacy is absent, and your feelings for your partner have faded away. At other times, it may be more difficult to know when to leave a partner, and relationships can sometimes enter a grey area, a limbo state where one or both partners are unsure about the future of the union. The signs your relationship is over aren’t always clear, and it is likely worthwhile to think carefully about what your relationship is telling you. 

Warning signs you shouldn’t ignore

While relationships can sometimes become complex and make you unsure about whether you want to leave your partner, there are a few circumstances where you should always leave, regardless of other factors. Mainly, behaviors associated with abusive relationships should always be a clear sign that you need to exit your relationship. Some common examples of unacceptable behavior in a relationship include: 

• Controlling behavior, like only allowing you to visit certain people or dictating how you spend your money. 
• Manipulative behavior, including lying, gaslighting, or anything that leads you to consistently doubt your memory or sense of reality. 
• Disparaging behavior, such as insults, put-downs, or extreme criticism. 
• Aggressive behavior, such as shouting, intimidation, physical violence, or sexual assault. 

If your partner displays any of the behaviors listed above, it’s likely time to leave. Don’t look for rationalizations or reasons to excuse their behavior. You are possiblyIt is possible that you are in an abusive relationship, and it is important to place your own well-being above that of the relationship. If you’re having trouble leaving or you need further guidance, resources are available to help you develop a safety plan. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing dangerous or abusive behavior at the hands of their partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also seek assistance through the hotline's online chat.

Gottman’s signs 

John Gottman, relationship expert and founder of the Gottman InstituteGottman Institute, is known for his “four horsemen” that signal the end of a relationship. While Gottman’s horsemen aren’t the only signs a relationship is failing, his work is based on empirical research of thousands of couples, making his conceptualization of what causes a romantic union to come apart a good starting point for evaluating your own relationship. 

Gottman’s four horsemen include defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt. 

• Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It often includes making excuses, disregarding the original complaint, or playing the victim. 
• Criticism is normal in a healthy relationship when it is presented with kindness and respect. If criticism is excessive or overbearing, it can harm a couple’s emotional connection. 
• Stonewalling refers to “checking out” of a conversation about the relationship. It’s okay OK to take breaks if needed, but completely refusing to discuss or engage ion talks about topics related to the relationship topics is likely to harm itthe relationship. 
• Contempt is genuine disrespect and rude communication. Sarcasm, insults, name-calling, and eye-rolling are all examples of contempt. Evidence suggests that contempt is the clearbest predictor of a relationship’s impending end.

Gottman’s signs may be relatively easy to spot, and it is likely worthwhile to look for their signs in your relationship. Be sure to pay extra-close attention to contempt. If your partner treats you contemptuously, or if you find that you often speak to your partner in the same way, it is likely that there are serious problems in your relationship that need to be addressed. 

Other signs your relationship may have run its course

If your partner treats you with general courtesy and civility, it can be much more challenging to decide when to leave a relationship. Despite this, there are some key signs that may indicate to you that your connection with your partner has broken down. 

Communication failures

Empathetic, kind, and honest communication is generally considered essential for a committed relationship. Good communication isn’t as important for light topics; the challenging skills to develop usually involve discussing difficult or sensitive issues. You and your partner’s usual fun banter might form a good communication foundation, but if you are unable to discuss big issues, you may struggle to have trouble problem-solving and grow together as a couple. 

Aggressive or confrontational behavior in communication is also a warning sign, and it is commonly considered a form of contempt. Remember Gottman’s research: Ccontempt is one of the best clearest predictors that a relationship will soon end. It is vitally important that communication be kind and respectful for a relationship to be happy and healthy.  

Lack of intimacy 

When discussing intimacy, many people think of physical intimacy, which includes sex and other forms of physical touch. While sexual intimacy is important for most, another type of intimacy, emotional intimacy, often goes overlooked. Being intimate emotionally often refers to things that bring you and your partner closer together as people, such as shared hobbies, new experiences, secret-keeping, and other forms of trust. 

If your relationship lacks physical and emotional intimacy, it is possible that the connection between you and your partner has weakened to the point that the relationship is no longer acceptable for one or both of you. Everyone has their own level of intimacy that is necessary for them to feel secure in their relationship. If your intimacy needs aren’t met, it may be time to leave. 

Lack of trust

Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. There are many forms of trust, and everyone has a conceptualization of trust that works for them in a relationship. If you feel the sense that you can’t trust your partner, take time to consider why. They may demonstrate behavior that erodes trust or otherwise act in a way that is inconsistent with your conceptualization of trustworthiness. Identifying why you find it challenging to trust your partner is likely important; your past experiences may make it hard to trust regardless of your partner’s actions.  

Diverging goals

Most committed couples work together towards a shared future, aligning their goals and efforts. If you struggle to envision future plans with your partner, or they don’t seem interested in long-term goals with you, it may be a sign that one of you doesn’t take the relationship as seriously as the other. It is typically important that both partners conceptualize the relationship similarly. If one person wants something casual, and the other wants something serious, it is likely that a deep meaningful connection will be difficult to form. 

Fantasizing about leaving the relationship

It’s generally considered normal to occasionally fantasize about romantic encounters with others while in a relationship. Fantasies are a normal part of being human, and it does not mean that a relationship is over. However, fantasizing about leaving a relationship may indicate something different. If you frequently dream of leaving your partner, being single, or being with someone else, pay attention to those feelings. They may be telling you that your feelings for your partner can no longer support the relationship. 

What if I don’t want my relationship to end?

Some of the signs of trouble in a relationship discussed above may have resonated with you. They may justify leaving your relationship. You deserve happiness, and if you’re not happy with your current partner, you are free to leave. However, if you see potential in your relationship and aren’t overwhelmed by red flags, you might wonder if the relationship can be repaired. 

If you determine that you are not in an abusive relationship and want your partnership to continue, you should consider speaking to your companion about couples counseling. 

If you want your relationship to continue, you should consider speaking to your partner about couples counseling. Evidence suggests that couples counseling significantly improves relationship satisfaction for about 70% to 80% of couples who try it. Experts recommend that you go to counseling as soon as you start feeling relationship frustrations. The sooner you and your partner start counseling, the more likely it is that you will see substantial success. You can see a licensed clinical psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or other mental health professional who specializes in relationships. 

 Experts recommend that you go to counseling as soon as you start sensing relationship frustrations. The sooner you and your partner start counseling, the more likely it is that you will see substantial success. You can meet with a licensed clinical psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or another mental health professional who specializes in relationships.

It may be worthwhile to try online therapy if couples counseling is of interest to you and your partner. Online therapists via platforms like ReGain for couples and BetterHelp for individuals have the same credentials and training as their in-person counterparts. They also use the same evidence-based techniques, like behavioral couples therapy. 

Online therapy has seen a surge in growth in recent years, which spurred many studies investigating whether therapy delivered remotely works as well as traditional therapy. While research is still ongoing, there is mounting evidence that, in most cases, online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy.

Takeaway

If your relationship is ending, it's likely there will be signs that appear before the union dissolves. One of the most significant is the appearance of contempt, which refers to disrespectful or insulting communication. Other common signs that a relationship has run its course include a lack of trust, no intimacy, poor communication, and diverging goals. If a person doesn’t want their relationship to end but recognizes that some signs are present, it is likely that couples counseling — be it online or in person — can be helpful if both partners agree that they want the relationship to continue.