Love Vs. Being In Love: What's The Difference?
Many quotes, songs, and media about love and its meaning exist. However, there are also several debates on the true meaning of being in love and whether it is synonymous with love as an emotion. Understanding the differences and similarities between love and being in love with someone may help you better understand yourself, your relationships, and the connections you want in life.
Understanding love: What is love?
What is love? The answer may depend on the person you ask. Being in love is often considered different from the emotion of love itself.
Love is a comprehensive term that describes a broad range of emotions associated with people’s interpretations of themselves and their relationships with others. The myriad of emotions, sensations, and experiences one might label as “love” can often be separated into being “in love," including romantic attachment, sentimentality, personal worth, or sexual attraction, among other categories.
Media and cultural conventions often hold a narrative that one can only find a sense of identity through wholeness or completion with a partner. However, love does not only exist romantically. A person can be fully content and happy with themselves and their life without ever seeking romantic relationships of any kind. Romantic love is not the only kind of fulfilling love in life, and it is normal and healthy to prioritize different types of love—such as with a friend or family—in other parts of your life.
The stages of love
The early stages of love and relationships are characterized by intense infatuation and lust that develop when one first experiences attraction, idealization, and projection. According to recent studies, when a person experiences these feelings of deep connection, intense attraction, and passion, their brain’s activity levels resemble those of individuals using psychoactive substances.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
In psychological terms, projection is a defense mechanism whereby we unconsciously assign certain qualities – either those that we associate with ourselves or with an idealized figure – to others. In romantic relationships, this can manifest as assuming that your partner is “perfect” or that they hold certain qualities that they have not proven themselves to have. For instance, you may project that your partner is attentive and sentimental when instead they do not put much stock in special dates or quality time. Because these assumptions aren’t based on real qualities, they can later lead to feelings of disappointment and disillusionment, creating challenges in the couple’s life and at times leading one party to walk away from the relationship.
No matter how enjoyable the early stage of love is, it is temporary. That’s why, as time passes, we may also find that we are in love with the feeling of being in love, rather than a real person with their own faults and flaws. Healthy long-term relationships develop because the individuals involved in them are dedicated to each other beyond the initial rush of early “puppy love” feelings. Beyond all the wonderful surprises and excitement of spending time together, both parties have found a connection on a deeper, more personal level. They accept that there will be good and bad times in their relationship, and each partner makes a commitment to work together to grow—both as people and as a partnership.
Creating healthier romantic relationships
Projection can create challenges for couples, preventing them from making a healthy, sustainable relationship their top priority. That said, breaking free of projection can be possible. Letting go of old fantasies makes room for deeper attachment and wonderfully sustainable joy, allowing couples to move forward with a more realistic idea of what love can look like.
One important step you might take towards making your relationship with relationships healthier is accepting the idea of wholeness through the reclamation of projection. This process is based on the Jungian idea that acknowledging and accepting the parts of ourselves that we previously did not consciously recognize can help us reach a sense of personal fulfillment and give us a more stable base for current and future relationships to build on.
In order to do this, consider asking yourself these questions:
- What are my current expectations for my partner, both good and bad?
- Are these expectations realistic – as in, do I expect a person to make an effort and meet certain moral standards, or do I expect perfection at all times in all ways?
- Am I capable of acknowledging objective flaws in my partner, such as incompatible lifestyle choices or values, or different expectations for the future?
- Are there patterns of behavior from my partner that do not match my expectations for them?
- Have I adjusted my expectations based on these patterns of behavior?
- Am I offering my partner the same level of respect, honesty, and companionship that I am expecting from them?
If you are in a relationship, consider sitting down with your partner and discussing these questions to better assess how much of a role projection plays in your relationship. This may promote a stronger sense of well-being between you and your partner.
This technique offers a chance to understand what it is you value and how you might implement those values into your life in order to foster authentic relationships.
Looking for authentic love
Authentic love differs from projection, lust, and infatuation, but it is possible for authentic love to emerge from these feelings that are associated with being in love. Authentic love is based upon mutual respect, trust, and honesty in expectations. By expanding our sense of value beyond ourselves and our own needs, we often find that building relationships with authentic love also requires self-respect and self-acceptance.
If you are looking to work on your own self-image or your relationships with others, you may consider online therapy through BetterHelp. With therapy, you and your partner can meet with a counselor or a marriage and family therapist from the comfort of your own home. You can also message your counselor at any time and they will respond when they can, meaning you can send in-the-moment questions if you find that you have identified a projected quality but aren’t sure where it came from or how to handle it. This can make a wonderful difference for couples with busy schedules. There is ample scientific evidence to suggest that online therapy for couples is just as effective as in-person therapy for identifying and resolving potential problems with communication and managing expectations. This means that you don’t need to wait for an in-person visit to begin strengthening your relationship with your partner and with yourself.
Takeaway
What is the difference between love and being in love?
Love is a broad emotion that can refer to different levels of passion, intimacy, and commitment. For example, you might love a friend with whom you have close emotional intimacy but no physical passion, or you might love someone you’ve just started dating who you have a passion with but lack emotional intimacy or commitment to each other.
Being ‘in love’ often refers to the intense emotions, physical attraction, and passion of falling in love with someone. Sometimes, this is referred to as the “honeymoon phase,” which may later develop into a more sustainable, long-term enduring love.
What does "I love you but I'm not in love with you" mean?
When a person you love says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” it can have a number of different meanings. For example, they may be expressing that they care for you and love you in a platonic way, but they do not desire a romantic relationship with you.
Because this phrase is open to interpretation, it may be a good idea to clarify what they mean by asking them if this may be a resolvable issue that you can work on together, or if it’s just not the right relationship for them.
Can you make love without being in love?
The phrase, “make love,” is a common euphemism for sexual intercourse. The phrase tends to imply a strong emotional connection and intimacy, but it does not necessarily mean you’re in love.
- How to know you're not in love?
- If you’re not in love, you might notice some of the following signs:
- You don’t want to spend time with them
- You only spend time together because you don’t like being alone
- Your mental health seems worse when you’re with them
- You can’t envision a future together
- You don’t think about them when you’re not together
- You feel indifferent about them
If you’ve fallen out of love with your partner, there are a few things you can try. For example, you might be able to reconnect with them or go to couple’s therapy to work through your challenges, or it might be time to move on from the relationship.
Can someone love you and not be in love with you?
Yes, it’s possible to love someone without being in love with them. Love is a broad term that does not exclusively refer to romantic love. When people say the phrase, “in love,” they’re typically talking about passionate and intense romantic love.
If someone says they love someone but they’re not in love with them, they typically mean that they care deeply for that person, but they wouldn’t say they’re infatuated.
How to tell if you're in love?
If you’re in love, you’ll likely recognize some of the following signs:
- You look forward to spending time together
- You think about them even when they’re not around
- You want to learn about them
- You want them to learn about you
- They make your life better
- You find their flaws endearing
- You feel safe and comfortable being yourself around them
- You envision your future together
In addition to these signs, one of the biggest indicators that you’re in love is that you’ve been thinking about saving “I love you.” If the thought of saying these words feels right, it probably is.
How do you know if you still love someone?
Love is not a constant emotion, with many people falling in and, eventually, out of love with their partner. Here are some signs that you likely still love them, even if you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship :
- You’re still invested in your relationship and want a future together
- You make time to spend together
- The relationship may preoccupy less of your time than it once did, but you still find yourself thinking of them
- Even if your sexual intimacy has dwindled, you still find yourself wanting to spark more passion with your partner
- You still have strong feelings about your partner, rather than indifference
- When something interesting happens while you’re apart, you look forward to all the details with your partner
- When you’re down, you often turn to your partner for support
- You’re willing to put in the work to improve your relationship
Most relationships experience ups and downs from time to time, and during these moments you might find yourself wondering if you actually still love them at all.
If you think you still love your partner but you’re not happy with where your relationship is, it might be time to consider trying couple’s therapy.
What does real love feel like?
There are many different forms of love. During early romantic love—or infatuation—many people experience overwhelming feelings for each other, intense passion, and excitement related to the release of hormones like dopamine and oxytocin (the “love hormone”).
Later in the relationship, as commitment and emotional intimacy grow, people may reach a place of lasting, or true, love. This type of love can be more sustainable, and it’s characterized by trust, commitment to a future together, open communication, and romantic passion.
If you find true love with your partner, you’ll probably feel comfortable being your true self around them, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and know that you matter dearly to them. Many people describe true love as a sense of calm and clarity about the strength of the relationship.
Can you love someone but not be in love?
Being in love with someone typically indicates a high level of passion and intensity about a romantic relationship, whereas loving someone can describe many types of relationships, both romantic and not. Many people find that they’re in love with their partner during the “honeymoon phase” of their relationship, before developing more lasting and sustainable love as their relationship grows.
Are you in love or the idea of love?
Someone in love with the idea of a relationship may love the attention they get, the comfort of knowing that someone cares for them, or the closeness of having someone to have a bed with. People in love with the idea of love also often idealize relationships and may encounter significant issues in the relationship if the fantasy is challenged.
Conversely, people who are in love care about each other beyond how it affects themselves, they envision a future together, they accept their partner’s flaws and imperfections, and they want to be a better version of themselves for their partners.
- Previous Article
- Next Article