How To Stop Being Needy And Be More Independent In Your Relationship
- If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
- If you’re experiencing abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- If you’re experiencing substance use challenges, please contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357
How to stop being needy: Recognizing neediness
Neediness, or what one would consider clingy behavior, is quite subjective. Someone’s view of whether it exists in a relationship can depend on factors like their personality, upbringing, preferences, and culture. For example, someone who grew up in a physically affectionate family may expect to give and receive a lot of hugs, pats, hand-holding, etc. with their partner. Someone who grew up with a different family dynamic may find their partner’s craving for this type of affection to be “needy” or overwhelming. Or, think of an extrovert who needs frequent social interaction to feel fulfilled. An introverted partner may feel that they’re needy in demanding so much alone time and attention.
Neediness may manifest in your relationship in many forms in addition to the two examples just mentioned—some of which may be more insidious to its overall health. It could take the form of jealousy, affirmation-seeking needy behavior, spending every second together, pessimism about the strength of the relationship, or otherwise becoming so attached to a partner that it hinders both people’s independence.
If what you need and what your partner can or wants to provide are truly mismatched, the relationship might not be a good fit. Or, you may need to get some of your needs met elsewhere, or work on solutions for how you might work towards being better able to meet each other’s needs. However, neediness in a relationship may also stem from underlying emotional factors, which is often the case with the more damaging expressions of it listed above. In this case, the individual exhibiting clingy behavior may need to address these root causes in order to have a healthier dynamic with their partner.
Possible causes of clingy behaviors
Unhealthy levels of neediness can develop in a relationship for many different reasons, sometimes evolving over time. Let’s take a closer look at just a few of the possibilities why clingy behavior exists in some romatic relationships.
Low self-esteem
Having a poor or negative view of yourself can impact how you approach or experience a relationship. In fact, research points to a correlation between higher self-esteem and higher relationship satisfaction. Without enough self-esteem, someone may constantly fear being rejected by their partner, seek constant validation, or have trouble setting healthy boundaries, for example.
An insecure attachment style
- Dismissive-avoidant. People with this attachment style may avoid emotional intimacy or have trouble handling or expressing their emotions in general. The theory posits that this style is a result of caregiver rejection in childhood.
- Anxious-preoccupied. People with this anxious attachment style may have an intense desire for emotional closeness and the approval of others. They may have low self-esteem and a deep fear of abandonment. The theory reasons that this style may result from unresponsive or neglectful parenting, which in turn may cause a person to develop an anxious attachment to those they care about.
- Fearful-avoidant. People with this attachment style may experience the push and pull between a desire for and a fear of close relationships. According to the theory, it may be a result of childhood abuse or other trauma.
Codependency
“Codependent” describes a type of unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person routinely prioritizes their partner’s life and needs over their own because they’re dependent on them to meet all of their emotional needs. It’s especially common in situations where the partner whose needs are prioritized has substance abuse problems.
Codependency in a relationship can look like:
- Difficulty standing up for oneself
- People pleasing
- Needing frequent reassurance
- Requiring constant communication
- Making excuses for one’s partner
- Idolizing one’s partner
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Constantly checking your partner’s social media to know their whereabouts
Addressing neediness
There are a number of steps you may be able to take to build your self-confidence and independence to reduce neediness and its potential negative effects on your relationship.
Build and nurture strong friendships
Take new relationships slow
Build self-esteem
Developing a mindfulness practice is one way to do this, since research has found that it’s correlated with higher self-esteem. Mindfulness may also help you notice and improve negative self-image, which can impact your view of yourself. Finding methods of self-care that work for you can help you feel empowered as well, which can look like taking time for yourself when you need it, prioritizing rest, and setting boundaries. Learning to put yourself first and give your partner space in healthy ways can help you see just how many of your own needs you’re capable of meeting so you can have a more realistic view of what a partner may provide to you.
Connect with a therapist
A mental health professional can help you figure out the root of needy tendencies, whether it’s an insecure attachment style, past trauma, unrealistic relationship expectations, or simply a mismatch with your partner. If a mental health disorder like depression or anxiety is contributing to your feelings of neediness, they can also help you address that and manage your symptoms. Regardless of your situation, a therapist may be able to help you sort out your emotions and develop behaviors and patterns that may lead to a healthy relationship. Since therapy has been shown to be an effective treatment for depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and others, it can be a powerful tool in handling neediness in a relationship.
Some people find the availability of online therapy to be a good fit for their lifestyle. Research shows that virtual therapy can be as effective as in-person sessions and may even feel more personal, which can make the process more comfortable and effective for you. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed mental health professional who can help you address the concerns or challenges you may be facing in your relationship.
Takeaway
How can I get rid of nervousness?
In the moment, doing simple breathing exercises could help you feel less nervous, as could doing a short burst of exercise like a set of jumping jacks. You may also be able to reduce general feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and stress if you engage in physical activity regularly, eat nutritious foods, sleep enough, and surround yourself with friends who can provide emotional support.
What is the 3-3-3 rule for anxiety?
There are a few different versions of the 3-3-3 rule or method for anxiety, but they all involve the process of counting items or sensations to help you focus on the present and feel grounded when anxious. An example of this method is to name three objects you can see, three sounds you can hear, and three things you can touch.
If you frequently feel overwhelmed by anxiety, it could be a sign of an anxiety disorder. In this case, seeking treatment from a mental health professional to address and learn to manage anxiety symptoms is generally recommended.
How do you calm jittery nerves?
Taking a few deep breaths or doing a specific breathing exercise might help you feel less jittery and nervous. Doing a quick mental body scan from head to toe may help you feel grounded in your body instead of focusing on the nervousness in your mind. Or, doing some jumping jacks or toe touches may help you release some extra nervous energy and reduce feelings of jitteriness.
How do I stop stressing about attachment styles?
Examples of stress-relief techniques include doing a deep breathing exercise, getting some physical activity in like a brisk walk or bike ride, taking some alone time to rest or journal, and seeking emotional support from a friend. If you’re stressing about attachment styles specifically, it may help to start by learning more about them. There are many books and podcasts on the topic, whether you read or listen on your own or join a book club or discussion group.
It may also be beneficial to seek professional help from a therapist to explore your attachment style and any related challenges. Drawing healthy boundaries in your romantic relationships and friendships, working on ways to develop your self-confidence and self-esteem, and making self-care a regular part of your routine could also be useful for those who are stressed about an insecure attachment style.
What foods can help calm anxiety?
Magnesium, zinc, omega-3 fatty acids, and B vitamins are examples of nutrients that may help reduce anxiety in some people. Some foods that contain these nutrients include salmon, egg yolks, cashews, leafy greens, whole grains, and fatty fish. It's usually recommended that you speak with your doctor or nutritionist before significantly altering your eating patterns.
What foods can trigger anxiety?
Certain foods may make anxious feelings or symptoms more likely or more intense. For example, research suggests that caffeine—especially when consumed in high amounts—may make some people feel jittery and anxious. Energy drinks and foods that are high in refined sugar have also been linked to anxiety.
Can you train your mind to be calm?
While it may not be possible to eliminate the experience of anxiety altogether, there are many strategies that may help you reduce and better manage its impact. Mindfulness meditation could equip you to recognize when anxious thoughts are arising so you can decide how you want to interact with them. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a trained provider, which is usually the first-line treatment for anxiety, can help you learn to recognize and shift distorted thoughts. Exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water, and eating nutrient-dense foods could also equip your mind to more effectively cope with anxiety.
Can exercise help you manage anxiety and mental health?
Yes; research suggests that exercise is one of the healthy ways to potentially improve your ability to manage stress, anxiety, and difficult emotions in general in addition to promoting overall well-being. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, even five minutes of exercise can begin to produce anti-anxiety effects.
Why am I feeling so nervous all the time?
If you feel nervous all the time, it could be environmental. If you live in a household or work in an environment that’s high-pressure, feels tense, or where individuals tend to be aggressive, for example, you might notice the effects in yourself. Feeling nervous all the time could also indicate an anxiety disorder in some cases. Meeting with a mental health professional is recommended for addressing symptoms.
If you're frequently feeling nervous in the context of a romantic relationship, it could be a sign of an anxious attachment style. According to attachment theory, this style can stem from a lack of dependable caregiver attention in the early stages of one's life, leading to unmet needs emotionally. If unaddressed, the effects of these unmet emotional needs can persist into adulthood and affect a romantic relationship as well as other relationships, such as those with a family member or friend.
A person with an anxious attachment style may frequently feel insecure and have low self-esteem, which often results in needing constant reassurance, displaying clingy behavior, and experiencing fear and mistrust that may indicate deeper issues and could push a partner away. Professional helpfrom a therapist can be useful in addressing insecure attachment.
How do I stop being needy in a relationship where I’m showing an insecure attachment style and clingy behavior?
An insecure attachment style is thought to often stem from childhood experiences, so it can take time, patience, effort, and support to address it and heal—but it is possible to do so. The first step in the process can often be to recognize these behaviors and examine where they may come from, which a therapist can help with. Once you are able to realize what the roots are, you may be able to fast-forward to now and address them in a way that promotes personal growth and healing.
If you already have a person in your life who you have strong feelings for and spend a lot of time with, you've likely noticed a sense of feeling needy around them—which may make you feel bad, even as it seems like you can’t control it. When you work with a therapist on this challenge, they may invite you to practice mindfulness and notice what you feel in your body in the moment—such as when you’re perceiving yourself as a clingy person or when you’re feeling desperate after being asked to give your partner space.
Your therapist may then encourage you to use distress tolerance skills and sit with the emotion until it passes. Journaling or finding another way to spend time in self-reflection after the fact may be useful. It will also likely be important to talk to your partner about these tendencies and the work you’re doing to address them. You might let them know what would help support you in the moment without enabling your fears and work together to set boundaries that matter to both yourself and them.
- Previous Article
- Next Article