How To Stop Being Needy And Be More Independent In Your Relationship
- If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
- If you’re experiencing abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- If you’re experiencing substance use challenges, please contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357
How to stop being needy: Recognizing neediness
Neediness, or what one would consider clingy behavior, is quite subjective. Someone’s view of whether it exists in a relationship can depend on factors like their personality, upbringing, preferences, and culture. For example, someone who grew up in a physically affectionate family may expect to give and receive a lot of hugs, pats, hand-holding, etc. with their partner. Someone who grew up with a different family dynamic may find their partner’s craving for this type of affection to be “needy” or overwhelming. Or, think of an extrovert who needs frequent social interaction to feel fulfilled. An introverted partner may feel that they’re needy in demanding so much alone time and attention.
Neediness may manifest in your relationship in many forms in addition to the two examples just mentioned—some of which may be more insidious to its overall health. It could take the form of jealousy, affirmation-seeking needy behavior, spending every second together, pessimism about the strength of the relationship, or otherwise becoming so attached to a partner that it hinders both people’s independence.
If what you need and what your partner can or wants to provide are truly mismatched, the relationship might not be a good fit. Or, you may need to get some of your needs met elsewhere, or work on solutions for how you might work towards being better able to meet each other’s needs. However, neediness in a relationship may also stem from underlying emotional factors, which is often the case with the more damaging expressions of it listed above. In this case, the individual exhibiting clingy behavior may need to address these root causes in order to have a healthier dynamic with their partner.
Possible causes of clingy behaviors
Unhealthy levels of neediness can develop in a relationship for many different reasons, sometimes evolving over time. Let’s take a closer look at just a few of the possibilities why clingy behavior exists in some romatic relationships.
Low self-esteem
Having a poor or negative view of yourself can impact how you approach or experience a relationship. In fact, research points to a correlation between higher self-esteem and higher relationship satisfaction. Without enough self-esteem, someone may constantly fear being rejected by their partner, seek constant validation, or have trouble setting healthy boundaries, for example.
An insecure attachment style
- Dismissive-avoidant. People with this attachment style may avoid emotional intimacy or have trouble handling or expressing their emotions in general. The theory posits that this style is a result of caregiver rejection in childhood.
- Anxious-preoccupied. People with this anxious attachment style may have an intense desire for emotional closeness and the approval of others. They may have low self-esteem and a deep fear of abandonment. The theory reasons that this style may result from unresponsive or neglectful parenting, which in turn may cause a person to develop an anxious attachment to those they care about.
- Fearful-avoidant. People with this attachment style may experience the push and pull between a desire for and a fear of close relationships. According to the theory, it may be a result of childhood abuse or other trauma.
Codependency
“Codependent” describes a type of unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person routinely prioritizes their partner’s life and needs over their own because they’re dependent on them to meet all of their emotional needs. It’s especially common in situations where the partner whose needs are prioritized has substance abuse problems.
Codependency in a relationship can look like:
- Difficulty standing up for oneself
- People pleasing
- Needing frequent reassurance
- Requiring constant communication
- Making excuses for one’s partner
- Idolizing one’s partner
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Constantly checking your partner’s social media to know their whereabouts
Addressing neediness
There are a number of steps you may be able to take to build your self-confidence and independence to reduce neediness and its potential negative effects on your relationship.
Build and nurture strong friendships
Take new relationships slow
Build self-esteem
Developing a mindfulness practice is one way to do this, since research has found that it’s correlated with higher self-esteem. Mindfulness may also help you notice and improve negative self-image, which can impact your view of yourself. Finding methods of self-care that work for you can help you feel empowered as well, which can look like taking time for yourself when you need it, prioritizing rest, and setting boundaries. Learning to put yourself first and give your partner space in healthy ways can help you see just how many of your own needs you’re capable of meeting so you can have a more realistic view of what a partner may provide to you.
Connect with a therapist
A mental health professional can help you figure out the root of needy tendencies, whether it’s an insecure attachment style, past trauma, unrealistic relationship expectations, or simply a mismatch with your partner. If a mental health disorder like depression or anxiety is contributing to your feelings of neediness, they can also help you address that and manage your symptoms. Regardless of your situation, a therapist may be able to help you sort out your emotions and develop behaviors and patterns that may lead to a healthy relationship. Since therapy has been shown to be an effective treatment for depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and others, it can be a powerful tool in handling neediness in a relationship.
Some people find the availability of online therapy to be a good fit for their lifestyle. Research shows that virtual therapy can be as effective as in-person sessions and may even feel more personal, which can make the process more comfortable and effective for you. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed mental health professional who can help you address the concerns or challenges you may be facing in your relationship.
Takeaway
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked on how to stop being needy.
How can I get rid of nervousness?
One of the best medically-reviewed ways to reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, and nervousness is through breathing exercises like diaphragmatic breathing. Diaphragmatic breathing, or “belly breathing,” directly counters the anxious alarm signals of the nervous system, deactivating the fight-or-flight system, lowering heart rate, and reducing blood pressure. To do belly breaths, follow these steps:
- Exhale completely until your lungs are empty.
- Slowly inhale, feeling your chest expand as the air enters your lungs. Try to take at least 4 - 6 seconds to fill your lungs.
- Hold your breath for 1 - 2 seconds.
- Slowly exhale, feeling the air leave your lungs. Again, try to take at least 4 - 6 seconds.
- Repeat until calm.
Belly breathing is one of the quickest ways to reduce stress, but it tends to be the most helpful if you can find a quiet, calm environment in which to complete the exercise.
What is the 3-3-3 rule for anxiety?
The 3-3-3 rule for anxiety is a type of grounding technique. Grounding techniques help an overwhelmed person return to the here and now. They are useful for sudden bouts of anxiety or panic. To use the 3-3-3 rule, follow these steps:
- Name three things you can see. Take a moment to observe details like color and shape.
- Name three things you can hear. Try to associate the sounds you are hearing with their source.
- Move three body parts. Take note of the control you have over your movements.
How do you calm jittery nerves?
Calming jittery nerves often starts by learning one or more relaxation strategies. Relaxation strategies are evidence-based methods of reducing mental and physical stress. They counter the body’s fight-or-flight system, which produces the physical sensations of anxiety, like a high heart rate and blood pressure. The emotional burdens of stress are reduced by lowering the physiological effects of stress. Relaxation techniques are especially effective when managing sudden onsets of nervousness, but engaging in regular relaxation activities may also help reduce long-term stress.
Adhering to good self-care practices may also treat jittery nerves. At a minimum, good self-care usually entails getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and getting regular exercise. Evidence suggests that regular physical activity is especially effective at reducing stress and anxiety, which will likely increase feelings of calm if sustained over time.
How do I stop stressing?
One of the best ways to reduce chronic stress is by seeking help from healthcare professionals. A mental health professional can perform an evaluation to determine if an anxiety disorder or other underlying factors are to blame, offer proactive strategies to manage stress, and help you build good self-care habits that reduce anxiety. A medical professional can provide diagnosis and treatment of underlying medical conditions that may contribute to poor well-being, as well as provide medical advice and additional information regarding how to best manage the adverse physical impacts of chronic stress.
What foods can help calm anxiety?
One of the primary ways you can use food to help calm anxiety is by ensuring you have a healthy, well-rounded diet. It is also typically helpful to keep to a regular eating schedule. While a good diet likely forms the foundation of an anti-anxiety food regimen, evidence suggests adding these foods to your diet may be helpful:
- Foods rich in magnesium, such as leafy greens, legumes, nuts, seeds, and whole grains.
- Foods rich in zinc, such as oysters, cashews, liver, and egg yolks.
- Foods that contain many omega-3 fatty acids, like wild-caught Alaskan salmon.
- Probiotic foods, like pickles and sauerkraut.
- Foods rich in B vitamins, such as avocados and almonds.
What foods can trigger anxiety?
Evidence suggests that foods containing sugar are likely to increase anxiety symptoms. The medical advice offered by professionals typically hinges on ensuring that a person gets a healthy, well-balanced diet. Even foods that don’t seem like sugary treats, including savory foods, might have enough sugar to trigger anxiety. For example, many processed foods contain added sugar to compensate for the poor taste of lower-quality ingredients. Generally speaking, following a diet that balances sugar, carbohydrates, fats, and proteins is unlikely to trigger anxiety. If you’re trying to reduce sugar to lower anxiety, you may want to consider first replacing processed sugars with natural sugars like those found in fruit. The sugar in fruit is metabolized by the body differently than the sugar in foods like soda and ice cream, making it substantially healthier.
Can you train your mind to be calm?
Many people have effectively trained themselves to lower anxiety, often by building robust self-care routines and adopting relaxation techniques that they use regularly. Training your mind to be calm may be significantly more straightforward with the help of a mental health professional, who can help customize calming strategies to suit your needs. They may also be able to evaluate for underlying mental health conditions that may contribute to the sense of anxiety and unease.
Can exercise help you manage anxiety?
Evidence suggests that exercise may be one of the best treatments for anxiety available. Exercise provides a useful diversion from sources of stress, and moving your body decreases muscle tension, which reduces physical sensations of anxiety. Exercise also changes brain chemistry, inducing the release of anti-anxiety neurochemicals that signal the brain to calm. Exercise also boosts the control of the brain’s frontal lobe, the part dedicated to conscious decision-making, over the amygdala, a brain structure that activates the body’s fight-or-flight reflex, producing feelings of anxiety. Finally, evidence suggests that an exercise routine sustained over time significantly increases emotional resilience, making it easier to handle sudden stressors.
Why am I so nervous all the time?
You may be nervous due to stressful life circumstances, an underlying mental health condition, or other factors. You may want to reach out to a friend or family member for support, as positive social interactions often reduce anxiety and depression. You may also want to connect with a mental health professional. A therapist or other professional can help identify underlying mental health conditions like anxiety disorders. They can also provide recommendations to help you soothe your nerves during times of stress. They might also provide referrals to other professionals who can make further assessments and recommendations.
- Previous Article
- Next Article