Learning How To Pull Back In A Relationship: When And How Should You Take A Step Back?

Relationships aren’t always easy, and sometimes they can become stressful, stagnant, or all-consuming. While involuntary emotional detachment can be a sign of mental health challenges or prior trauma, there are also times when taking a step back can be the healthiest choice for your mental health or relationship satisfaction. This article explores when and how to take a step back, and how to talk about your concerns with your partner. If you’re finding it difficult to prioritize your own well-being, you may benefit from talking with a licensed individual or couples’ therapist.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Signs it’s time to take a step back

If your relationship is showing these signs, you may benefit from pulling back to gain some perspective:  

• The relationship leaves you feeling drained or exhausted 
• The relationship is moving faster than you’re comfortable with
• There aren’t clear boundaries
• You do everything together with no time apart
• You are thinking about them obsessively or feel as though you’re losing self-control
• You feel dependent on them or as though you would not survive without them
• They don’t put their fair share into the relationship
• You aren’t being treated kindly
• Your partner has expressed their need for personal space
• You speak for your partner 
• Your partner speaks for you
• You want more time for yourself

Overly dependent relationships with poor boundaries can quickly lead to relationship issues and mental health concerns. If you’ve identified any of these signs, it may be healthy for both you and your partner to focus on yourselves. This does not necessarily mean ending the relationship, but could involve taking a break or redefining boundaries and expectations.  

Note: You may want to do some related reading on the concept of “relationship burnout.” Researchers developed a 10-item scale, which can help you determine if you’re experiencing burnout and what you can do about it.

How to pull back from the relationship

Whatever the reason you’ve decided you’d like to take a step back from your relationship, there are some ways you can stay busy when you’re not together: 

• Establish boundaries: If you’re a people-pleaser, you may have found yourself prioritizing their needs over yours. Setting boundaries, such as how often you go to their house per week, the amount of time you spend texting them, or the dollar limit you spend on gifts, can help you focus more of your time, energy, and resources on your own needs.  
• Spend time with other people you value: Sometimes, romantic relationships reduce the amount of time we spend with other people we care about, so reconnecting could be a healthy way to invite them back into your life. Consider asking close friends to join you for a routine get-together or call up a family member. 
• Start a new hobby: If your relationship has become the center point of your whole life, it may be time to try something on your own. For example, you could join an art class, sign up for a gym membership, or volunteer for a cause you care about. 
• Live separately: Sharing physical space can sometimes lead to overly intertwined lives. To maintain your individuality and get the space you need, you may want to consider moving into separate bedrooms, going on a solo vacation, or getting your own apartment. 
• Avoid their social media accounts: If you’re continuously seeing their social media feed, it may be difficult to distance yourself from them. You could unfollow them, mute their posts, or reduce your social media usage in general. 
• Do some inward thinking: Prioritize your personal or professional goals, such as getting a promotion at work or training for a sports event.  

Some people find that they enjoy the time spent away from their partner more than the time with them. If this occurs, you may want to evaluate if your relationship is serving your needs or improving your life. If not, it may be time to consider whether you should break up. 

Communicating your needs

After you’ve pulled back in your relationship, try to take some time to think about why. Were your boundaries not respected? Did it seem like you gave more to the relationship than they did? Try to pinpoint what was wrong.  

If you’ve identified your concerns and still want to stay in the relationship, communicate your needs with your partner. This step may seem daunting, but there are some strategies to help you have a positive conversation with your partner: 

• Be direct and concise

By focusing on what you want to convey, you can reduce the risk of misunderstandings. To do this, you may want to prepare what you want to say in advance. 

• Use positive language: 

“I” language emphasizes how you feel in a clear, non-judgement way. For example, you might say, “When we spend every evening together, I focus on your needs and tend to forget my own. From now on, I’d like to keep Sunday evenings reserved from some me-time.” 

• Avoid absolute statements

Words such as “never” or “always” suggest that there is no exception. They can come across as condescending or confrontational, and they are often inaccurate. For example, is it actually true that your partner has “never” done X, Y, or Z?  

• Listen when they speak 

Active listening is considered one of the most important aspects of effective communication. When your partner is talking, instead of thinking about what you’ll say next, really listen to them. Try to understand what your partner feels, ask clarifying questions as needed, and give them the space to speak and be heard without interruption. 

Whether or not you want to pull back in a relationship, you might find it beneficial to learn effective communication skills to express yourself, problem-solve, and improve the quality of your relationship. According to Darcy Sterling, LCSW, “The extent to which each partner is skilled at expressing themselves, their needs, and their preferences is the greatest indicator of the health and fulfillment of the relationship.”

Should you talk with a therapist? 

 You may wish to talk to a therapist If you’re concerned about issues like: 

• A lack of boundaries
• Repeated arguments
• Communication challenges
• Picking fights
• Disrespect
• Infidelity
• Dwindling interest in physical intimacy
• Feeling as though you’re drifting apart
• A one sided-relationship
• One or both partners have low self-esteem,

It may be worthwhile to speak with a licensed relationship therapist. Partners who are interested in trying couples therapy but are concerned about problems like comfort, or scheduling may prefer online therapy, which can be conducted from home and can often be scheduled outside of typical business hours. 

A 2019 study on online couples therapy found that couples appreciated having physical ‘distance’ from their therapist, which enabled a greater sense of control and more comfort sharing personal details of the relationship. A later peer-reviewed study, published in 2021, found that online couples therapy effectively improved mental health and relationship satisfaction. Even if you don’t have concerns in your relationship, couple’s therapy may help you proactively address issues before they escalate, with one study from the Gottman Institute finding that maintenance couple’s therapy is three times more effective than intervention therapy. 

If your partner is not interested in trying therapy, however, you might want to try individual online therapy instead. You can benefit from the comfort of attending sessions from home, and studies show that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be effective for a wide range of concerns. Platforms like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed online therapist who is experienced in addressing issues you’re concerned about, like relationship burnout or people-pleasing behaviors.