Learning With Your Partner: How To Navigate Moving In Together

When you and your partner decide in your relationship that you're ready to live with each other, it may be time to have some honest conversations about expectations. While moving in can feel like an exciting step in your relationship, living with your partner can be a different experience than living alone or with roommates. The time leading up to move-in day can be exciting but may also come with apprehension or worry. There may be steps you can take to ensure you’re on the same page with your partner and that moving in together will be a smooth process, such as setting up ground rules and establishing conflict management skills. A licensed therapist can offer impartial insight and guidance through online or in-person therapy sessions if you run into roadblocks along the way.

Are you ready to live together?

In the flush of romantic feelings, it can be tempting to move into sharing a place without thinking too much about the repercussions. Before you sign a lease or mortgage, discussing the “whys” behind moving in together can be a good idea. Some, none, or all of the following can be true: 

• Living together will save money
• Living together makes sense for practical reasons (i.e., proximity to jobs, sharing transportation, size of the household, other)
• Living together means we can see each other more often
• Living together will be a precursor to the next stage of our lives, such as engagement or marriage
• Living together is convenient for shared responsibilities 

In general, there is no wrong answer or set of answers, but understanding the reasons for moving in together can serve as a foundation for setting up expectations and boundaries.

Other considerations for living with your partner

Establishing rules in the house

After establishing that you’re ready for moving in together, the next step can be setting up some rules for living together. No matter how much you love each other, moving in together is likely to result in at least some sort of conflict. Setting expectations, boundaries, and guidelines can be critical, especially when you will be sharing space with someone you love and seeing each other every single day. It’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to potentially sensitive areas like household chores and money. 

Talk about finances and how to save money with your partner

Many relationship experts would attest that money tends to be one of the most common causes of contention in a romantic partnership. Set up expectations about how you will manage finances and future plans before you move in together, and agree to maintain open communication to discuss issues and important topics as they arise. You may decide to handle finances differently depending on whether you’re moving in with an unmarried partner or a new spouse. 

• Do you plan to have a joint account? Checking, savings, or both?
• If so, will you each retain your personal accounts? 
• How will the bills be divided? Will you each be paying certain bills, paying them from a joint account, or splitting them percentage-wise?
• What do you each consider necessary expenditures vs. fun funds?
• What will you do in case of an emergency (i.e., your home is damaged in a hurricane, or one of you loses a job and means of contributing to monthly living expenses)? 

There can be many financial considerations, so take some time to be clear on what you want. 

Schedule alone time and couple time

It may seem obvious, but when you move in together, learning to carve out time for yourself and your friends can be a key concern. You may have different expectations for what’s appropriate. For example, one partner might like to invite their friends over to the home regularly, but that might not be compatible with someone who works from home. Additionally, some people (especially introverts) prize alone time as a means of recharging. You might consider the following questions in discussing how to spend your time:

• When are good times and not-so-good times to have people over at the house?
• When are the best times to share quality couple time?
• What are the expectations for when guests stay over at your home?
• How much time do each of you want alone throughout the day or week?
• What happens if one of you is watching TV but the other wants to do something quieter?
• What can you do at home and outside of the house to strengthen your relationship?

Get on the same page regarding household chores

Gone may be the days of gender-based domestic labor expectations. If you don’t spend time discussing how you will divvy up household chores, it can lead to conflict later. Your discussion might entail questions like who will cook meals, if it’s okay to leave dishes in the sink, or what the policy is for changing toilet paper rolls. For many tasks, there may not be a right or wrong way to complete the chore, but a minimum standard of care you both agree to. Here are some questions you might discuss:

• What chores do you expect to happen daily? Weekly? Monthly or infrequently? Can you create a schedule you both agree to adhere to?
• How will you divide and conquer your chores? Which ones will you complete together, and which might you complete apart?
• What are your least favorite chores?
• Are there any tasks you would both prefer to pay someone else to do, such as lawncare or deep cleaning?
• How can you make chores fun in order to strengthen your relationship?
• What should happen if one partner feels like the other isn’t pulling their weight?
• If one partner is bringing a pet into the home, what are the expectations for taking care of the pet? 

There is no right or wrong way to organize your space

Whether you are moving into a studio apartment or a 2,000-square-foot home, you will generally want to understand how you will be using the new space. If one partner is moving into the other partner’s place, it can be helpful to discuss how you’ll organize the home so you both feel equal ownership.  

• Does either partner require office space because they work from home? 
• Is a home gym area important? 
• Will you share a bedroom or have your own?
• Do either of you need your own space for hobbies or a personal space to decompress in?
• Will you have a guest bedroom?
• How will you ensure each partner has sufficient space for toiletries and related products?
• Where will you store rarely used items (i.e., holiday decorations) or large items that take up significant space (i.e., lawnmowers, kayaks, tools)?

Conflict management and open communication

Even with scrupulous planning and communication, arguments will likely happen. Do you know how to communicate with your partner healthily? Effective communication isn’t always something that comes naturally to everyone in a relationship. Conflict management must often be learned. We may need to learn to communicate needs, listen to our partners, and come together over solutions that serve both parties.

Practicing open communication under the same roof

After moving in, you may find that your relationship is different than when you both maintained your independent living spaces. You may feel frustrated if your partner has stuff spilling off of every surface, spends a disproportionate amount of time outside of the home rather than with you, or doesn’t respect your need for quiet time. You may have to learn how to support each other after a bad day or have challenging conversations about how to manage your money together. Living together can bring about real-life situations you didn’t encounter when you were living separately. 

Finding impartial support outside of your marriage or relationship

In these cases, it can be helpful to seek advice from an impartial expert who is experienced in supporting couples to improve their active listening skills, adjust their explanatory styles, and adjust avoidant or anxious attachments.

Mental health support

If you and your partner are talking about moving in together, it can be an excellent point in your relationship to meet with a couples therapist, family therapist, or licensed marriage counselor. Even for unmarried partners, these relationship experts can help by teaching vital communication skills and sharing tips to help you compromise and accommodate each other in your new living situation moving forward. 

Individual mental health support

In addition, one or both of you may be experiencing mental health concerns that haven’t been addressed, such as anxiety or depression. Therapy can be effective at helping individuals manage the symptoms of various mental health conditions that might affect the dynamics of living in the same space. 

Online couples or marriage counseling

If you are interested in therapy but find that getting to a therapist’s office would be too much of a hassle in your current stage of life, online therapy can be an effective solution. Mental health professionals who work online can offer both individual and couples therapy over video chat so that you can get the same quality of care without having to commit to traveling to an appointment. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed therapist, empowering you to meet with them from the comfort of your home or office. 

Does online therapy actually work?

Online therapy has often shown effectiveness in helping couples overcome various relationship challenges. In a 2022 study, researchers examined the impact of an online behavioral couples therapy program (conducted via videoconferencing) on 30 couples aged 21 to 69 and who were in relationships for one to 49 years. Results generally yielded similar therapeutic alliance and improved relationship satisfaction and overall mental health between in-person and face-to-face interventions.