Moving Forward: How To Know If It’s Time To End A Relationship
Deciding to end a relationship and leaving someone you love is rarely an easy choice. It’s often a complex and emotional process that may take time and introspection to sort out. While there’s no one, easy way to know whether you should remain in your current relationship or leave, you can read on to discover some common signs that breaking up with someone may be best. We’ll also cover some tips for how to break up with someone in a compassionate, considerate way, how to take good care of yourself in the wake of a relationship that has ended, and how to move on from a relationship in a healthy way.
Should I break up with my girlfriend?
First, if you are unsure as to whether it’s time to break up with this person or not, it may be helpful to examine the relationship and how it makes you feel. Before the "I broke up with my girlfriend" or "I broke up with my boyfriend" scenario can happen, you need a clear decision that feels right to you.
If you’ve noticed some of the following characteristics in your dynamic with your partner lately, even though there have likely been good times too, it could be time to consider speaking to them about the future of your relationship. While only you can decide whether it’s right for you to stay together or not, the elements below could potentially represent signs you should break up or reconsider your dynamic.
Constant conflict and disrespect
Constant fighting may indicate that there’s a deeper issue at play in your relationship. It could be that one or both people are fundamentally unhappy, or that trust or respect has been lost. Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but ongoing conflict—especially when it’s characterized by disrespect rather than loving communication—may be a sign of an unhealthy dynamic that can’t or perhaps shouldn’t last.
Lack of communication and connection
You can love someone and know them well, but if they can’t accurately and honestly articulate what’s going on in their head at any given moment, it can be difficult to maintain a long-term relationship. Connections of all kinds are typically built on vulnerability and intimacy, which are created primarily through communication. If you and your partner have always struggled with this, or if communication has recently broken down and seems unsalvageable, it may be worthwhile to consider whether there’s potential to go on.
Different goals and values
Relationships can take many different forms, and they don’t have to last a long time to be successful, fulfilling, or valuable. However, regardless of the duration, any relationship should provide the basics of what all parties want out of it. If your expectations and goals for the connection are misaligned or you have fundamentally different approaches to relationships or life and this is causing friction, a reevaluation may be necessary.
Emotional or physical abuse
Abuse of any kind—physical, emotional, or otherwise—in a relationship is a red flag and unacceptable, and it’s important to be able to recognize it. If you’re experiencing abuse from your partner, you have the right to prioritize your safety and well-being by exiting the relationship in a manner that is safe to do so.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
Tips for ending your relationship
If you come to the conclusion, "I want to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend,” it’s generally ideal to approach the conversation with your partner respectfully. Remember, of course, that your safety is the most important, and that you have a right to exit the situation if your partner makes you feel unsafe. Otherwise, a few simple tips may help you navigate this difficult conversation. So, how to break up with your girlfriend?
First, consider the timing and location for this conversation. Try to avoid choosing a time when either of you is tired, already emotional, or overwhelmed from other life circumstances, if possible. Having the conversation in a public place typically isn’t recommended, unless you’re concerned for your safety. Next, know what you want out of the conversation and try to stick to it. If you’re set on ending the relationship, it’s generally best to avoid letting your partner convince you to stay. Being considerate of their feelings—even if they differ from your own—is generally ideal, but letting them talk you out of your own needs and desires is not.
Try to be honest and straightforward without being cruel. You might also prepare yourself for a range of reactions, from confusion to anger to sadness, and you can do your best to respect your partner’s feelings at that moment. Finally, setting boundaries for space and communication going forward can help you both know how to proceed from there.
How to move forward after a breakup
Even if you were the one who decided it was time to break up, that doesn’t mean it won’t be difficult or sad for you too. Someone you dated even for a relatively brief time may have become a part of your life in some way, and it can take time to adjust to a change in that dynamic. It’s usually best to treat yourself gently and with grace as you navigate the aftermath of a relationship that has ended.
How long to get over a breakup? Healing from a relationship that has ended doesn't take a set amount of time. Note, however, that research suggests that prolonged avoidance can actually extend the grieving process, so it may help to allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up rather than trying to suppress them. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, or hurt, and it’s okay to give yourself time to experience these emotions.
It’s usually helpful to practice self-care as you navigate your life post-breakup, whether that includes starting a new exercise routine, picking up a hobby, or spending more time with family. Focusing on health and relationships outside of your romantic life for a while, like friendships, can be satisfying. Next, it can be helpful to eventually reflect on the lessons you learned. Every relationship is a learning experience, and the takeaways may be useful to you in future connections. Finally, you may also consider seeking the support of a therapist to work through your breakup.
Seeking therapy to process a breakup
If you’re going through the ending of a relationship, it’s not unusual for it to be difficult. Breakups are usually challenging life experiences, regardless of the particulars of your circumstances. Even if you initiated the end of the relationship, it can be tough to process your feelings about it alone. That’s why some people turn to a mental health professional for help working through it. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to express your emotions, gain insights from the relationship, and develop healthy coping mechanisms for any difficult feelings.
Part of a growing body of positive research on the topic, a 2014 study suggests that online therapy may be just as effective as face-to-face therapy in dealing with emotional distress, including when related to relationships. It showed that people who participated in virtual therapy experienced a significant decrease in their self-reported symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. It also found that this format might effectively address emotional challenges related to breakups, such as grief, anger, and sadness.
In most cases, whether you choose online or in-person therapy comes down to your preference. If you’re interested in virtual therapy due to its relative convenience or affordability, for instance, you might consider a platform like BetterHelp. With this type of service, you can fill out a brief questionnaire about your needs and preferences and get matched with a licensed therapist accordingly. You can then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home to address the challenges you may be facing.
Takeaway
Feeling uncertain about the future of your current relationship can be difficult, as can making the decision that it’s time to break up. Whether you’re trying to figure out how to break up with someone, wondering how to get a girl to break up with her boyfriend, or are experiencing conflicting emotions about a current or former relationship, meeting with a licensed therapist to process your feelings may be helpful.
How to know if breaking up is the right decision?
There are several ways you can tell that it may be time to break up. If you feel that you are putting in all the work of a relationship. If your partner expects you to change who you are. If you are waiting for your partner to change. If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive. The main indicator that a breakup may be best is that your relationship has a negative impact on your mental health.
How to tell if she's toxic?
There are a number of signs you can look for when it comes to toxicity in a relationship. You may be in a toxic relationship if your partner:
- Engages in direct lying or dishonesty
- Criticizes you often
- Shuts you out emotionally
- Physically harms you
- Cheats on you
- Is contemptuous, does not respect your sense of self
- Doesn’t take responsibility, constantly tells you that you are the problem
Will I regret it if I break up with my partner?
Even if you are not in a healthy relationship, you may regret breaking up with your partner, at least for a while. Ending a relationship can create the same feelings of loss that a death can, and having a period of grief and regret is common. However, in the case of toxic relationships, working through these feelings can be a far better choice than returning to a relationship that is detrimental to your mental health.
Is it normal to think about breaking up?
Even in a healthy relationship, an occasional thought about breaking up may intrude. However, if you’re constantly wondering whether breaking up is the better option, there may be a problem. If you are having difficulty picturing a future with this person, or you are waiting for them to change, then it may be better to break up.
When should you not break up?
If you and your partner are dealing with a temporary challenge or are going through a rough patch, but are both otherwise invested in each other, staying together may be the path to take. Even if one or both of you is engaging in toxic behavior but you recognize it, want to change, and are willing to put the work in to make that change, the relationship can often be saved. The most effective path forward when you recognize a problem is typically working with a couples therapist.
What is silent quitting in a relationship?
Silent quitting is a colloquialism that generally refers to disengagement in the workplace. This concept is the same when applied to a relationship. Silent quitting is when one or both partners begins to back away from the emotional work of a relationship, without sharing that they’re unhappy or dissatisfied. They may stop sharing their thoughts and feelings, avoid spending time with their partner, and emotionally disengage.
How do I know my relationship is worth fighting for?
Some indicators that your relationship may be worth putting the work in:
- Your partner adds value to your life
- You’ve been through tough times together and made it out stronger on the other side
- You are both sincerely invested in making the relationship work
- You can identify what has gone wrong, and you are committed to fixing it
When should you stop trying in a relationship?
If your relationship is having a negative impact on your mental health, it may be time to stop trying. If you are the one who puts in all of the emotional work, if you are waiting for your partner to change in some way, or if your partner is emotionally abusive, these are all signs that ending a relationship may be the healthier option.
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