My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me: How Do I Proceed?

When your boyfriend breaks up with you, it might leave you feeling lost, confused, and stressed. That person may have been the center of your everyday life and a crucial part of your plans. When you go over the memories you’ve imparted, coping might feel overwhelming or scary. In these moments, looking into coping mechanisms and support options to get through your breakup can be beneficial. According to studies, over 64% of Americans have gone through a breakup at some point, so you’re not alone in your experiences or feelings. 

Questions to ask yourself after a breakup 

After losing your boyfriend, whether it was a mutual or one-sided breakup, it may be beneficial to ask yourself a few questions about how you want to proceed, including the following. 

My boyfriend broke up with me, but who am I as an individual?

If you were in a relationship or marriage with your ex for an extended time, you might have learned more about yourself as their partner and the person you became by their side. You may have found it easy to be funny, caring, or intelligent together. However, after a breakup, many people find aspects of their personality that they may have hidden or forgotten about that they get to explore again. 

What are my priorities after the breakup? 

With your partner out of the picture, you may have lost your values, goals, and beliefs. As many couples share goals for the future, you might feel lost in figuring out where you’d like to go next. You might ask yourself a few questions, including the following: 

• What types of people do you want in your life? 
• What events or activities would you like to attend or participate in? 
• What type of work would you like to pursue? 
• What would it look like if you could have all of your dreams come true for your future without your ex-boyfriend? 
• What is one goal that you might be able to achieve now that you’re no longer with your partner? 
• What can you learn from this situation? 

After you answer these questions, list priorities for your new life. Then, let the list guide you as you plan each day, week, and month. Try not to pressure yourself to achieve each goal quickly, as you may also benefit from time to grieve and move on after your loss. 

What would help me replace my time healthily? 

Your relationship may have taken up a considerable portion of your time and energy in the past. It might be helpful to consciously try to replace that time and energy with healthy and productive choices. Try to avoid unhealthy or risky activities and give yourself time to think. Some people simultaneously process their emotions and goals through expressive writing like journaling or poetry. Studies have found that journaling can improve emotional and physical health in the long term and may also help you release emotions about your breakup. 

My boyfriend broke up with me: Now what?

Getting over someone might feel more manageable if you are no longer in love. However, if you loved your boyfriend or felt confused by the ending of your relationship, there are a few skills you can try to move on, including the following. 

Give yourself space 

Even if you still love your ex-partner, try to avoid them. Make a rule that you won’t call, send letters, text, be friends, or sleep together while working through your emotions. Staying friendly with an ex can be admirable, and it might be possible. However, friendship may be healthier down the road when you no longer feel the impact of the breakup or the relationship. If you have difficulty with this step, be kind to yourself and move forward as best you can. 

Distract yourself 

When you find yourself thinking about your ex, distract yourself. Try to throw yourself into an activity that demands your full attention to avoid thinking about your ex. A few high-intensity activities that may also improve your mental health include the following: 

• Exercise like hiking, swimming, or going to the gym 
• Spending time in nature
• Going for a jog 
• Cooking or baking new recipes 
• Attending a class for a new skill like archery, dancing, or painting  
• Spending quality time with friends and family
• Hosting a game night at your house for all of your friends
• Writing poetry or a story 
• Creating scrapbooks of memories with other people 
• Going on a short vacation or trip 
• Partaking in therapeutic coping mechanisms
• Seeing a therapist 

Redirect your thoughts 

If you find distraction ineffective or difficult, try redirecting your mind toward thinking about your ex’s undesirable qualities. If this sounds harsh, note that it is an exercise just for you. If you struggle with going back to people because you idealize them in your head, keeping a list of painful or difficult memories you wouldn’t want to return to may be beneficial. Read the list any time you want to reach out to your ex-boyfriend. 

Things to avoid after a breakup

Avoid contact with certain places and situations 

Try to avoid contact with anything that reminds you of your ex. Avoid the places you used to go or planned to visit, skip hanging out with mutual friends, and delete or avoid the pictures, texts, mementos, and emails you have from your ex.  

Try to avoid talking about your ex with others 

It may be valuable to try not to tell those you love about how you want you and your ex to get back together or that you think you’re destined to be together. In addition, try to avoid these thoughts for yourself unless you think it may be healthy, and there’s a chance it could occur. Even if you think you might get back together with your ex, give yourself time to cope with the breakup before talking to them further. 

Avoid affection and relationship-like behaviors with your ex

If you are friends with your ex or meet him in public, try not to hug him or be extra friendly with him. Avoid activities you might have done as a couple, and try not to have expectations for each other that could be seen as romantic. If you want to reconnect with your ex, give them time to let you know how they feel before you start trying to rekindle a relationship. In addition, it may be beneficial to remember why you broke up. 

How to cope with post-breakup depression 

Going through a breakup can be challenging, and you may feel intense emotions. These emotions might be a natural part of losing touch with someone who mattered to you. However, depression can sometimes follow a breakup for some people. In these cases, you might be experiencing a mental health concern. The following symptoms are common in depressive disorders: 

• Feeling worried, agitated, anxious, or irritable 
• Feeling indifferent to what happens in your life
• Having low energy
• Feeling guilty
• Having trouble concentrating.
• Having trouble making decisions
• Isolating yourself (Note that some isolation might make sense as you cope with your breakup)  
• Experiencing unexplained pain
• Experiencing appetite changes 
• Experiencing insomnia or sleeping often 
• Experiencing thoughts of suicide or engaging in self-injurious behavior 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text 988 to talk to someone over SMS. Support is available 24/7.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

If you begin to experience symptoms of depression, be patient with yourself, and understand that you’re not alone. Many people seek a therapist after their breakup to cope with these symptoms. Note that depression can be serious, so having a professional to talk to may be the safest option.  

Counseling options 

At times, reaching out for professional support can aid in the process of coping with the reality of a breakup. If you feel you can’t move on after your breakup or are struggling with your mental health, consider contacting a therapist. 

Many people who have gone through a breakup may be reluctant to reach out for support in person. In 2020, more people turned to online resources in search of a convenient way to speak with a trusted therapist without leaving the comfort of their homes. Recent studies show that electronically delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy reduced depression and anxiety symptom severity more effectively than face-to-face therapy. 

Positive outcomes from therapy

The analysis considered 17 randomized controlled study trials, evaluating the clinical effectiveness of eCBT compared to face-to-face, and considered a wide range of outcomes, including the severity of symptoms, adverse outcomes, clinically relevant outcomes, global functionality, participant satisfaction, quality of life, and affordability. They found that each area was as effective or more effective than in-person counseling. 

Through an online platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with your counselor anytime, anywhere. Set up your meetings in the method you prefer, including live phone, video, chat, or messaging. Online therapists through platforms like these are qualified and licensed, and you may be able to get a match within 48 hours of signing up.