My Girlfriend Hates Me, How Can I Fix Things With Her?

If you’ve noticed a change in your girlfriend’s attitude towards you, you might be wondering what happened. Relationships can be complicated, and not having clear communication strategies can make them more confusing. The best solution for many might be to set aside time to directly talk about what changed—possibly considering why you believe your girlfriend is upset, her reasons for being upset, and if therapy might help improve your relationship.

If your girlfriend seems upset and you’re not sure how to approach the topic, you’re in the right place. Read on to learn more about how you can work toward a fix if your girlfriend has communicated that she’s upset, and how couples’ therapy can support all members in the relationship.

How to address negative feelings in your relationship

If you are experiencing unrequited love, and your girlfriend does not seem as interested in your relationship as you are, it may be time to consider whether the relationship has reached its natural end. 

We do want to note that a perceived lack of interest may or may not be fully accurate, in some cases. For example: You may be interpreting your girlfriends’ behaviors as hatred when there’s really something else going on. Your girlfriend might also not be fully aware of how she’s coming across to you in this season of your relationship. 

What can I do if I think my girlfriend hates me?

The following tips are intended to help you identify what’s wrong (if anything) at this time, and are designed to facilitate constructive conversations in and about your relationship with your partner(s): 

• Consider introspection

Insecurity, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and low self-esteem can make it feel as though your girlfriend hates you (when she might not, truly!) If you’re a highly sensitive person, for example, the perceived feelings of disdain may just be an indication that you need more reassurance to feel confident in your relationship. 

With this in mind, you may work to discover what’s triggering you to believe your girlfriend hates you, possibly considering whether there are other explanations for her behaviors. If you think you may be projecting negative emotions onto your girlfriend, you could use journaling or meditation to process your feelings. It can also be helpful to talk about how you’re feeling with your girlfriend, and/or seek advice from a trusted friend, family member or licensed mental health professional. 

• Talk to her

You might consider using vulnerable and honest communication strategies to help you talk to your girlfriend about the change you’ve noticed. 

You might consider using the following suggestions to have a more productive conversation: 

• Ask to have your conversation alone and away from distractions (like phones, video games, pets, and children).

• Be clear about what you want to convey, generally working to avoid irrelevant details or off-topic points. 

• Use “I” language to communicate how you feel without assigning blame. 

• For example, instead of saying, “Why do you hate me?”, you might consider saying, “When you don’t talk to me after work, I feel insecure about our relationship”. 

• Listen as much as you talk, allowing your partner to offer her perspective about the situation.

• Try not to think about your response while your girlfriend is talking, as this can compromise your ability to fully listen and respond well. 

• Try to keep your voice at a normal talking level, because loud voices can escalate emotions. 

• Consider asking to take a break from the conversation for a few minutes if emotions escalate and you might say something you’ll later regret. 

Many might find that effective communication can be difficult—but with practice, it can become easier for many. If you’re both committed to improving your relationship, you can consider using communication worksheets. If you’re still finding it difficult to communicate, a couple’s therapist can help.  

Additional considerations and steps you can take to support a healthy relationship can include: 

• Taking accountability for wrongdoings

If you believe that you’ve done something hurtful to trigger your girlfriend’s change in behavior, you might consider offering a genuine apology. 

According to Dr. Karina Schuman, effective apologies can be important—even if they’re difficult to give. She generally recommends accepting accountability for wrongdoing, acknowledging harm you’ve caused, and empathizing with her experience without expecting forgiveness. 

Depending on how much your actions have harmed the relationship from your girlfriend’s perspective, it can be possible that she might feel residual frustration, even after an apology is given. However, giving her space to reflect on your actions and your apology can demonstrate your sincerity—and it can also offer her processing time which can result in a favorable outcome for you both.

• Putting yourself in her shoes

There are many reasons your girlfriend may be acting differently than she used to. Anger and hatred may be secondary emotions to basal emotions of fear, nervousness, guilt, shame, embarrassment, sadness, hurt, jealousy, or betrayal. Alternatively, your girlfriend may be experiencing something that has nothing to do with you—such as stress from work, trauma, or underlying psychiatric disorders.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

• Going to counseling 

Therapists can teach both you and your girlfriend about healthier communication skills and can support the relationship with strategically supportive techniques and a clear, unbiased opinion as both couples address challenges. It can be an invaluable resource to both you and your girlfriend as you walk through this season of life.  

How can online therapy support couples in need? 

For some couples, it can be uncomfortable to talk about relationship challenges with a therapist—whether they attend therapy virtually or in-person at an office. A 2020 study suggests that couples reported feeling more comfortable discussing their emotions in online therapy because of the physical distance from their counselor. 

Is online therapy effective for mental health?

Issues within the relationship can sometimes affect the mental health of the couple. Online therapy can help strengthen the couple's communication and skills to handle conflicts within the relationship. A recent study published in Frontiers in Psychology has found details that suggest that online therapy, which is offered through sites like BetterHelp, can be just as effective as therapy that is offered in a face-to-face setting. The study also found details that support the lasting positive impact that many couples might find after seeking such services, which may equate to or exceed what would be found with in-person therapeutic intervention.