Life After Marriage: Finding Love After A Spouse Is Gone
When a marriage ends, a grieving process may begin. You may be wondering how to move forward and find love again as you navigate the many adjustments to your daily life. Perhaps you need to heal from prior relationship wounds or pain, or maybe you are experiencing some nervousness as you consider rejoining the dating pool. Most people might even be wondering, "Will anyone ever love me again?"
How to prepare for dating again after a marriage ends
If you’re considering dating after a marriage ends, you might wonder where to begin. To prepare for a healthy potential relationship, consider these tips:
Channel your inner child and try new activities
Changing up your routine may help boost your self-confidence and self-esteem while creating opportunities to meet new people.
Know what you’re seeking
Before you begin dating after a breakup, it can be helpful to list qualities that you value in a relationship. For example, perhaps you value self-love, kindness, or clear communication. Understanding the kind of person and relationship you are looking for can help you begin relationships from a place of stronger personal understanding.
Reflect on your previous marriage
While everyone’s grieving process and timeline look different, it’s important to allow yourself the time you may need to grieve your marriage. The American Psychological Association recommends journaling to help people cope with and move forward from grief.
Tips for finding love again after your spouse is gone
If you do find someone with whom you hope to form a loving relationship after the end of your marriage, you may have to approach the relationship in a different way from your previous one. Here are helpful tips for promoting a healthy relationship with your new partner.
Wait for the right time after your spouse is gone
If you jump into online dating or download dating apps without processing your prior relationship, you may project your desire for your old partner or previous relationship issues onto someone new. According to The Atlantic, humans are neurologically hardwired to repeat ourselves; the brain creates pathways based on our behavior, making it more likely we will repeat our previous behavior in future relationships.
When it comes to relationships, this may mean you instinctively look for a new partner who is similar to your prior spouse. It may also mean you inadvertently fall into the same conflict resolution patterns, allocations of household tasks, and gender roles that you established in your prior marriage. Some people may be afraid that because of this, their new relationship may be a repeat of the last.
If there’s anything you want to change about your new relationship, taking the time to talk it out and process your past relationship may help you to recognize your patterns and establish new ones. It may be helpful to take time to get to know yourself again, separate from a partner. For example, you might consider your passions, hobbies, or goals for the future.
Supporting your mental health after the end of a marriage with therapy or grief support groups may help you realize the true nature of your past relationship better and empower you to make new decisions with your new partner.
Keep an open mind with your new partner
When you believe you’ve found love with someone new, you may experience passionate feelings of infatuation towards your new partner. Having chemistry is important, but it's important not to forget about compatibility.
It may be tempting, and even totally normal, to look for a new partner who resembles your previous spouse, but by putting your focus on a specific type of person, you could be ignoring a fulfilling new relationship. You and your previous partner might have been an ideal match, but you’re probably different now than you were when you met them.
Avoid rushing into marriage
Taking the time to date can help you determine if you and your new partner are emotionally compatible before getting married. It may also help you see whether this person will be a harmonious partner in your day-to-day life without leaving things to luck or chance.
If you have certain things you expect in a relationship or things that it may be impossible for you to live without, like your partner earning a certain income or enjoying travel, dating can help you determine whether your new partner meets these expectations.
If you decide to give yourself some time to figure out a new relationship before getting married, it may help you decide whether these expectations are unimportant or whether you’d rather be with a partner that fits your desired expectations.
Utilize the support of friend or family members
Having a strong support system as you re-enter the dating pool can help make the process more enjoyable and productive. Asking a friend or family to act as a relationship coach or to offer support in finding a compatible partner may be helpful for some people.
Your friends or families may also be able to help you move past some preconceived notions about potential partners. If you think, for instance, that you will only be well-matched with someone else who has been previously married, you may miss out on a partner you’d have chemistry with.
Attend counseling sessions for emotional health, mental health, and clarity
Getting additional support through counseling may point you in the right direction, helping you find the self-confidence to start dating again after the end of a marriage. In counseling, you could strengthen your skills in effective communication, identify red flags, or get what may be considered the best advice on maintaining emotional intimacy.
CBT for an adult, teenager, or child: Treat emotional health and mental health with a therapist
Research shows online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be effective in treating many mental health conditions stemming from relationships ending, including symptoms of anxiety, depression, or relationship trauma. A supportive online therapist can help you move forward from your past marriage and look ahead toward a new, healthy relationship. Therapists may be able to help men, women, or people of any gender determine the best way to date again after a marriage.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
If you are wondering "Will I ever find love again?" after the end of a marriage, you are not alone. Many people look for support in navigating their romantic relationships, whether it be from loved ones or a professional. Online therapy platforms such as BetterHelp may help you grieve a prior marriage, change your relationship patterns, or find a new partner.
When you are trying to meet someone new, it can be difficult to find the time or a moment away from work for in-person therapy. However, online therapy may remove barriers such as transportation and scheduling challenges while remaining just as effective as in-person sessions.
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Takeaway
Is it normal to feel like you’ll never find love again after losing your partner?
So many people feel like they’ll never find love again after losing a spouse or partner—several factors make it such a common experience. For example, the depth of love shared in long-term, committed partnerships can make it hard to imagine finding that level of connection with anyone else. Additionally, losing a partner often comes with a considerable amount of pain and grief. Such strong emotions might make it difficult to trust or open up to love again in the future.
Do we ever find love again?
Yes, there is hope for falling in love again when you’re ready and have decided to try. Losing someone you care about romantically, like a life partner, husband, or wife, doesn't mean it can't happen again; in fact, some find subsequent relationships can be more fulfilling than those in the past.
Will I ever be able to fall in love again?
Many people wonder if they’ll find love again after it’s been lost. It’s important to give yourself time to process the grief before moving on, but it is possible to fall in love again after a breakup or the death of a loved one.
Why is it so hard to find love again?
It might seem difficult to finally find the path to love again for many reasons. Emotional barriers like a fear of being hurt, unresolved issues from past relationships, and difficulty letting go of anger and pain can all play a role. Depending on the circumstances, a breakup can significantly affect self-esteem. Often, particularly tumultuous breakups can lead to negative self-talk and depression when one ruminates about the past. Some people feel a sense of failure or unworthiness after a tough breakup, dealing a considerable blow to their self-confidence and affecting their ability to move on.
Sometimes, people set unrealistic standards for what they expect from a new partner, making it challenging to find someone who lives up to them. For example, if a woman doesn't date someone because they are a father, she might miss out on a good relationship. Likewise, a man can meet a wonderful woman, but he'll pass if she doesn't align entirely with what he imagined. Additionally, individuals might isolate and withdraw from social situations, limiting the opportunity to get out in the world and meet new people.
Will I ever get over my past relationship?
Yes, you will likely get over your past relationship with time and effort. However, everybody has their own idea of what “getting over” means, so first think about what getting over it means to you. Some people think they need to forget any feelings of affection and fondness towards their ex before they consider themselves truly over them. Others feel closure when they’re no longer overwhelmed by pain when they think about them. Still others feel they’ve moved on only when they don’t think about them or what happened that ended the relationship at all.
Additionally, some people experience obstacles when trying to separate and get over a past relationship. For example, parents who share children may still need to communicate about issues like child support or co-parenting. Ending a marriage can make it challenging to move on when a couple must deal with dividing a house or belongings during the course of getting divorced. For some religious couples, the complexity of their beliefs can play a role. For example, divorce goes against the church and the word of God in some religions, creating significant barriers to moving on.
In the meantime, remember that healing does take time, and acknowledging your emotions is vital in processing them and moving forward. Express your feelings with words in a journal or a letter, and lean on a friend or loved ones whom you love and trust for support. Reflect on what you’ve learned about your heartbreak. If you’re struggling to the point that it’s interfering with the rest of your daily life, talking to a counselor can help support you throughout the process.
How many times do we find love?
How many times a person finds love depends on many factors, such as cultural influences, timing, availability of potential mates, your personal definition of love, and more. Additionally, love and relationships can be difficult things to quantify because surveys are often self-reported and can be skewed. Some statistics suggest the average person has roughly seven romantic relationships before they get married. A survey courtesy of the National Center for Health Statistics suggests women ages 25-49 have an average of 4.3 sexual partners, and men between 25 and 49 have 6.3.
According to the three loves theory developed by anthropologist Helen Fisher posits that people fall in love three times during their lifetime (or experience three types of relationships). These relationships include:
First love: This type of love is characterized by infatuation and the type of “butterflies” that one feels in burgeoning young relationships. People in this stage might check their social media or phone every five minutes to see if the other has called. It’s also often the most sexually charged type of relationship. First love typically emerges quickly but is short-lived and tends to pass soon, too.
Second love: While people in the first love have abundant physical chemistry, people in the second love have the same level of emotional chemistry. It is described as the most intimate and passionate love. People experiencing this type of love may begin fantasizing about their future together.
Third love: If a couple makes it through the second love stage, they may establish a long-term relationship in which they promise to stay together through challenging times. This type of commitment is the hallmark of third love.
How do you love someone again after losing feelings?
It might be difficult for some, but in truth, rekindling love is possible through emotional intelligence, communication, and a desire to work on the relationship. Here are a few helpful tips:
Have an honest conversation with them about your feelings and listen actively when they tell you what they’re thinking and feeling. You might find the things that make you angry and upset are the same.
Remind yourself of the reasons you got together initially, focus on their positive traits, and make an effort to appreciate what they bring to your relationship in the moment. Remember the stories you share that make your partnership unique.
Examine your role in the relationship, what you may have done wrong, and how you can improve as a partner.
Show an interest in the things they feel passionately about or that bring them joy.
Spend quality time together and share activities that foster a deeper connection.
Respect each other’s boundaries and give each other space to spend time with friends and for personal growth inside and outside the relationship.
If necessary, find a therapist or other mental health professional specializing in couples therapy to work through deeper issues and develop healthier communication patterns.
What is emophilia love?
While it isn't an officially diagnosed pathology, the term emophilia refers to an individual’s (usually unhealthy) pattern of falling in love quickly and frequently. People with emophilia often rush into relationships, feeling like the new love interest is "the one," and ignore any red flags or unusual behaviors that come up. Emophilia can lead to risky relationship behaviors such as going to bed with someone right away, engaging in unsafe sex, or going out alone at night with a stranger.
Are relationships with family members a form of love, or is there a limited amount of true loves in your life?
There doesn’t have to be a limited number of true loves in your life, as love takes many forms depending on the relationship. While romantic love is often passionate and physically intimate, familial love characterized by security, support, and belonging can be just as powerful.
Does true love happen only once?
While some people may consider a particular relationship to be the most profound, the idea that "true love" only happens once is not necessarily accurate. It is possible to experience deep, meaningful love with multiple partners throughout life, depending on time, circumstances, and an individual’s experiences. Additionally, each person defines true love in their own way, opening up the possibility of love with many others.
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