9 Signs You're In A Passive-Aggressive Relationship
Passive aggression can be incredibly damaging to relationships and personal well-being. Research shows that passive-aggressive behavior can negatively affect mental health, contributing to depression, eating disorders, and stress-related disorders. When it’s present in a relationship, passive aggression can be detrimental to everyone involved. Read on to learn how to spot passive aggression in your relationship and improve this behavior and your well-being.
What is passive aggression?
Passive aggression is an indirect expression of negative emotions and feelings. These people may appear to act appropriately or comply, but they may express anger or contempt through various manipulative behaviors. For example, someone may be upset or angry with their partner for not doing household chores. Instead of directly addressing the issue, they might make indirect comments like, "I guess I'm the only one who cares about a clean house," or deliberately do the chores loudly to draw attention.
Passive-aggressive behaviors: Silent treatment, resistance, procrastination, and more
In a relationship, this can manifest as:
- The silent treatment
- Making veiled threats
- Making indirect critical comments
- A lack of follow-through
- Small acts of sabotage (i.e., “accidentally” losing their possessions)
- Using other people to express their opinions (i.e., “My sister says…”)
- Procrastination or intentional mistakes
- Resistance to cooperation
- Frequent complaints
- Hurtful sarcastic comments
- Sullen, cynical, or hostile attitude
What causes passive aggressiveness?
People behave passive-aggressively for many reasons. They may feel insecure or like people wouldn't listen if they expressed themselves directly. Withdrawing or acting in this manner can also be an attempt at control or manipulation. For example, a person may use guilt by saying things like, "You're never around" or "You don't really love me," to make their partner do what they want.
Why someone might use passive-aggression
People can use this tactic when they feel powerless or unable to express themselves or powerless. They may have these feelings due to past experiences, childhood, or cultural influences. For example, suppose a person grew up in a household where direct expression of anger or other feelings was discouraged or punished. In that case, they might learn how to express their feelings indirectly.
- Upbringing
- Cultural influences
- Past experiences
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of conflict
- Need to control
Whatever the cause, this communication style can be detrimental to a relationship and the people involved.
How do passive-aggressive relationship behaviors impact our mental health?
When passive-aggressive behaviors happen in romantic relationships, it can create a sense of mistrust and foster an environment where neither partner feels able to express themselves directly. If left unchecked, it can also create resentment from the person on the receiving end.
Passive-aggressive behavior can lead to tension and conflict as well. When two people don’t openly communicate their needs or feelings, it can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and arguments.
If you’re dating someone who’s frequently passive-aggressive, you may feel like you’re always walking on eggshells and never know what might set them off. This can be exhausting and make you feel like you always have to defend yourself.
Nine signs you may be experiencing passive-aggressive behavior
Whether it’s you, your partner, or both of you, here are some signs of a passive-aggressive relationship.
Frequent inconsistencies and silent treatment
If a person frequently says something they don't mean or their actions don't line up with their words, this could be a sign of passive aggression. For example, they may say they’re okay with something but get upset with you about it later. They also may be giving you the silent treatment one day, but loving and present the next.
Withdrawal or withholding
Withholding communication or affection is a common type of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, rather than expressing anger outwardly, your partner may refuse to talk to you when they’re upset. If you or your partner have a pattern of withholding affection or communication or withdrawing instead of addressing concerns, it could indicate an underlying issue with this behavior pattern.
Repetitive procrastination
Procrastination can be a subtle way of putting something off that you don’t want to do. For example, your partner says they’ll do the dishes, but they always make excuses not to do it. If someone continually makes excuses and puts things off, it could be a sign of passive aggression.
Passive-aggression through sarcasm or hostile humor
Sarcasm or hurtful jokes can become tools a passive-aggressive person uses to express their feelings, a method that can deny the other person the chance to react in a meaningful way. If a partner repetitively uses hurtful humor to make subtle digs at you, it could be a sign of passive aggression. Even if they say, “Just kidding,” afterward, if the joke is hurtful or insensitive and it seems like the person is using it to communicate how they feel, it may be more than just a joke.
Guilt-baiting
Passive-aggressive partners may undermine tasks, projects, or agreements. This behavior can materialize as causing harm materially or emotionally, often out of jealousy or as a subtle form of punishment or revenge. For example, a partner might take out an important presentation, hide an article of clothing, or go back on an agreement to help them complete a task.
Self-punishment (“I’ll show you”)
Engaging in self-destructive behaviors like quitting, deliberate failure, drug misuse, or self-harm* can be a covert form of passive aggression, where the intention isn't just to hurt the partner indirectly but to force a reaction. This power play can be deeply frustrating and often requires a focused, calm approach to address the underlying issues.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. Support is available 24/7.
Victimhood and passing blame
Exaggerating personal or health issues, showing codependency, and playing the martyr can all be tactics used to exploit the goodwill and nurturing instincts of the partner. This behavior is designed to elicit sympathy, making the partner feel wrong for not understanding the point of distress, which can lead to both becoming victims of unresolved issues.
Recognizing these signs is often the first step in addressing passive aggression in a relationship. It’s important to note that people can occasionally act passive-aggressively without, and it does not indicate a larger problem. However, if passive-aggressive behaviors are repetitive and frequent in your relationship, it may indicate a larger problem that needs to be addressed.
How to stop passive-aggressive relationship behaviors
Addressing and stopping passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship involves a conscious effort from both partners. The first step is often to recognize and acknowledge the presence of such behavior. Openly discussing instances where passive aggressiveness has occurred can help to understand its impact on the partnership. These conversations may be more productive and healthy if you approach these conversations honestly and without blame, focusing on how the behavior affects the partnership rather than accusing each other.
Effective communication is key. To overcome passive aggression, it may be helpful for partners to employ strategies that avoid hurting each other, addressing their own needs directly and respectfully rather than resorting to backhanded compliments or other indirect expressions of hostility that can leave one feeling like a victim. This might require learning to articulate feelings non-confrontationally and actively listening to each other’s concerns.
Developing empathy can be helpful for dealing with passive aggression. Talking openly, taking responsibility for one’s own actions, and understanding each other’s viewpoints can help reduce misinterpretations and assumptions that can lead to indirect communication. Both partners will likely need to work on building a supportive environment where each feels safe to express their thoughts and feelings. Setting clear boundaries and expectations can also be helpful. Discussing and agreeing upon acceptable behaviors and ways of handling disagreements can prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up.
Finding mental health therapy for relationship challenges
Couples therapy can be a beneficial tool for navigating passive-aggressive relationships, especially when partners deal with insecurity or struggle to react positively to challenges. A therapist can provide an objective perspective, help identify underlying intentions, and offer strategies to support improved communication and relationship dynamics. If meeting with a couples therapist in person doesn’t make sense for you and your partner due to conflicting schedules or geographic hurdles, online couples therapy might be an option worth considering.
Online relationship therapy
With online couples therapy, you and your partner can attend sessions at a time and place that works best for both of your schedules and needs. Additionally, if you live in a geographically isolated location, it can be much easier to find a therapist you both like and respect with online therapy.
Research has shown that online couples therapy is just as effective as in-person couples therapy for improving relationship satisfaction.
Takeaway
What does passive-aggressiveness look like in a relationship?
Passive-aggressiveness in a relationship can look like behavior that intends to communicate feelings indirectly. It is a subtle form of avoiding direct conversation while expecting the other person to sense or understand their emotions or thoughts without them having to directly express them. The passive-aggressive person may use behaviors like the silent treatment, hostility, backhanded compliments, subtle digs and indirect comments to attempt to have their needs met without having to openly communicate them. However, this form of communication is not a sign of a healthy partnership and can cause more harm, even if it’s done to avoid hurting someone.
How do I know if my partner is passive-aggressive when they have feelings of anger?
If your partner has an indirect expression of anger in which they avoid expressing their own needs or responding to yours, they might have passive-aggressive behaviors. Some people act passive-aggressively by withholding communication to express anger. Others might pretend that nothing is wrong, making excuses whenever anyone tries to talk to them about it but still expecting the other person to feel responsible for their emotions. Being on the receiving end of this behavior can be distressing, leading to resentment in relationships.
How do passive-aggressive people talk?
There are different forms of passive-aggressive behavior. However, people with these traits might use a covert form of communication to try to control another person’s behavior or response to them. For example, subtle gestures like waving one’s hands in the air in frustration or rolling their eyes when their partner communicates their feelings can be signs of passive aggression. They might also make comments like, “You don’t know what I’m feeling?” or “You should know…” These comments incite fear and often don’t actually work for dealing with conflict.
How do you deal with a passive-aggressive partner?
Coping with the behaviors of a passive-aggressive partner can be challenging and uncomfortable, especially if they avoid communication with you or won’t tell you what’s wrong. In these situations, taking responsibility for your own emotions may help. Use “I” statements to avoid putting blame on others. Set clear boundaries about what you’re comfortable experiencing in a relationship. Let the other person know that your intention is to open dialogue when you talk, not to accuse them or label them. If you continue to struggle or find that your partner’s communication style is harming your self-esteem or well-being, you might consider trying couples therapy. If both you and your partner agree that the relationship is worth saving and are willing to put in the work to deal with these challenges, you may find that your relationship improves and conversation becomes more engaging. Research shows that 70% of couples report finding couples therapy effective in reducing unwanted behavior in relationships, improving mental health issues, and learning how to regulate emotions, such as anger and stress.
How do I tell if I'm passive-aggressive?
You might have passive-aggressive behaviors if you respond to negative feelings from yourself or others with avoidance, expectations, assumptions, and becoming upset without communicating why. Feeling angry is natural and healthy, but the way you respond to anger and other difficult emotions is often what matters. If you struggle to communicate in a meaningful way with your partners in romantic relationships, you might benefit from talking to a therapist, whether individually or with your partner. These important appointments can help you stay calm, act appropriately, and make positive changes to avoid a passive-aggressive relationship.
What is the most passive-aggressive thing to say?
There are many ways people can be passive aggressive to others. The words one uses may not matter as much as the intention behind them. Often, the intention behind passive aggression is to elicit sympathy, avoid emotional vulnerability, or place responsibility on another person for your own emotions. A passive-aggressive statement could be, “I wish I wasn’t alone all the time,” when someone’s partner says they’re going to work. Instead of saying this, someone could say, “I miss you when you go to work. I’m working on my feelings about this, but can we have a date night this week to connect a bit more? I feel like life has been too busy lately.” This statement doesn’t place responsibility for missing the person on the person who is going to work.
What are the red flags of passive-aggressive behavior?
Below are some of the red flags you might notice in someone acting passive-aggressively:
- Procrastination of important conversations
- Avoidance
- The “silent treatment”
- Using sarcasm to criticize others
- Blaming others for one’s own emotions
- Struggling to take responsibility for one’s own emotions
- Inconsistent words vs. actions
- Making intentional mistakes or pretending to be incompetent at a task
- Minimizing someone else’s emotions
- Being purposefully late
- Backhanded compliments
- Saying they are “fine” when they are not acting “fine”
How do you annoy a passive-aggressive person?
Intending to annoy someone else, especially a person you’re dating, is not a healthy way to address conflict. Instead, you might ask yourself what you’re trying to achieve. For example, do you want the person to leave you alone? Do you want them to feel the same way they make you feel? Do you want to end the relationship? Do you actually desire vulnerability and closeness? Talking to a therapist may also be helpful to figure out what you’re trying to achieve in this situation and how to cope with the emotions.
What is an example of passive-aggression?
An example of passive aggression is making sarcastic compliments to your partner to show them you’re upset with them. For example, if someone says, “You are helping so much right now,” when they’re actually upset with how their partner is helping them, this is a form of passive aggression and doesn’t actually serve to reduce conflict or negative feelings.
What are passive-aggressive phrases in a relationship?
Below are some examples of passive-aggressive phrases:
- “You’re so nice to me.” (Sarcasm)
- “I wish I was loved.”
- “I had no idea you wanted that.”
- “Like I’ve said to you a million times…”
- “Whatever.”
- “I’m fine.” (When not fine)
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