Building Healthy Relationships Is Possible: How To Not Fall In Love So Easily

There’s wide variation in the way romantic people may experience the early days of a promising new attraction. Some are cautious, proceeding slowly and waiting to see how things develop. Others lean into the exciting emotions of this time, frequently finding themselves invested at the first spark and rapidly daydreaming of a future together, sending late-night texts and scrolling through their crush's Facebook for hours.

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with either approach, those in the latter camp may find that they end up putting too much stock in a new relationship too soon, leading to disappointment and heartbreak if things don’t end up working out. Or, in some cases, they may even end up in unhealthy relationships because their emotions make it harder for them to spot incompatibilities or red flags. If you’re the type of person who finds themselves falling in love too easily—especially with people who end up not being right for you—you might be looking for ways to temper this tendency. Read on for potential reasons for it and tips to avoid falling in love.

Why you may develop a romantic relationship too quickly

The feeling of falling head over heels for someone new can be exhilarating, and the thrill of the connection can let a person sink deeper into someone without really taking the time to get to know them. Science has even identified why the “can’t eat, can’t sleep” phenomenon sometimes happens to people who are in the throes of a new infatuation—because when you spend time with someone you're interested, it in can result in the increased release of feel-good chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine. If you’re not able to balance this excitement with enough practicality, you could find yourself in love with and/or committed to someone who may or may not be the right person for you.

Being quick to fall in love isn’t inherently bad or cause for concern; it can just be how some people are wired. However, in other cases, it can be a signal of something deeper. For example, if you just got out of a long-term relationship, you may be feeling down or looking for something to make you feel better and be heading into a rebound relationship instead of real romantic love.

Sometimes, it can go much deeper. People who have an anxious attachment style may find themselves falling deeper in love easily because they tend to crave love, intimacy, and closeness and may want to form commitments quickly in order to avoid being abandoned. Someone with low self-esteem may also be more likely to fall in love easily or become physically intimate quickly since affection and attention from a particular person could temporarily give them a boost. In rare cases, this tendency could even be a sign of a mental health condition like histrionic personality disorder—one of the symptoms of which is believing certain relationships are more intimate than they are.

How to avoid falling too quickly

Again, falling in love easily may not be a sign of any underlying issue. Regardless of the cause, however, if it’s causing you pain, frustration, confusion, or is otherwise negatively impacting your life, it may be worth taking action to try and shift this tendency. If you’ve found yourself saying, “I want to stop falling in love so quickly,” the tips below might help you do so less often and defend yourself when/if it does occur.

Check in on your self-esteem

Not everyone who falls in love quickly has low self-esteem, but it’s common enough that it could be worth examining whether this may apply to you. Signs that you could have low self-esteem include:

• Valuing the opinions of others over your own
• Frequent people-pleasing
• Trouble setting boundaries
• Negative self-talk
• Hesitance toward trying new things
• Feeling powerless over your own life
• A low belief in your own abilities

Self-esteem is often considered to be an important component of overall mental health, not least because a lack of it may lead to anxiety, depression, and other challenges. It can also negatively impact your romantic relationship if your self-concept depends on validation from someone else. That’s why working to build a healthy level of self-esteem can be helpful for some people who fall in love too easily, potentially giving them the confidence and self-assuredness to choose partners consciously rather than out of scarcity, fear, or insecurity.

Outline the key qualities of the particular person you’re looking to find

Especially if you’re looking for a long-term stable relationship, it can be helpful to outline a few key qualities you’re looking for in a potential partner ahead of time. That way, when you feel yourself starting to get swept away by a new crush, you can see a bit more logically whether they might have long-term potential and why it is not necessarily love. 

For example, do you want to date someone who wants to eventually get married and/or have children, or not? Someone who wants to travel frequently, live elsewhere, socialize often, and have pets? Someone who is religious, or has the same culture—who is a social butterfly or a homebody? While making a detailed laundry list of qualities in your ideal partner can overinflate your expectations, drilling down on basic, practical preferences can help you see whether someone you’re infatuated with could be a good, longer-term match, or whether you should consider aligning your expectations for this person with a shorter-term relationship. 

Focus on the present

For example, you might avoid spending excessive time looking at or analyzing their social media posts, which may make you feel closer to them than you actually are. You might also focus on how they treat you and make you feel in the moment when you’re together rather than how you’d feel if your daydreams for a future with them would come true. If you’re having trouble staying in the moment with this person, you might try cultivating a mindfulness practice, which is all about developing a nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment. Research suggests practicing mindfulness can promote “metacognitive awareness” and help improve the effectiveness of emotional control strategies. 

Red flags to look out for

Some people who tend to fall in love quickly could be prone to missing crucial red flags in a new romantic partner, potentially leading to negative or even dangerous situations down the road. If you’ve learned this about yourself, it could be worth getting familiar with common red flags to help keep yourself safe from falling for the wrong person. Keeping close ties with friends while you’re dating can help with this too, as they may be able to spot things early on that you’re unable to see because of the effect of your strong emotions. Red flags you might look out for in a new relationship that you should not completely ignore could include:

• Love bombing
• Attempts to control you or your life
• Attempts to isolate you from friends and family members
• Pushback on boundaries you set
• Speaking excessively negatively of all their exes
• Being rude to servers, bartenders, etc. 
• Inability to control their anger, jealousy, etc.
• Frequent put-downs, even if framed as teasing or jokes
• Leaning on you as their sole emotional support

Do your best to remain observant. If you notice a few or more of these in your date, you might consider whether this is a healthy relationship for you to be in. 

How therapy can help

If you find that developing romantic feelings too soon is causing you distress or pain, working with a therapist can help a person control these feelings. They can support you with things like boosting self-esteem, addressing past hurts, strengthening communication skills, and other topics related to navigating relationships and mental health. Therapists are there to help and not judge a person's own life, so you can speak openly and honestly and divulge intimate details in a safe space. If you suspect you may be experiencing a mental health condition that’s contributing to this tendency, they may also help address these symptoms.

Historically, therapy was always conducted in person, but online therapy has emerged in recent years as a viable alternative. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone calls, video calls, and/or in-app messaging from home or anywhere you have an internet connection. That means those who feel uncomfortable meeting with a provider in person or who are unable to travel to and from in-office appointments can still receive care. Research suggests that online therapy can be an effective treatment method, including for things like improving self-esteem, so it can be an option worth considering if you’re interested in this format.