Questions To Ask Before Moving In With Your Partner

Making the decision to move in with your partner can be a joyous and exciting milestone, but it can come with some feelings of anxiety or worry, too. Sharing a living space with another person, especially a romantic partner, can be a significant step to take in your relationship. Before moving in together, there are some factors you may want to take into consideration and discuss with your partner.

Questions to ask before moving in with someone

The questions you might ask before moving in with someone span a variety of topics, from how you’ll handle conflict together, to how you’ll deal with grocery shopping. Starting off aligned on your expectations and goals can help create a strong foundation for your time together. Keep reading to learn more about the different questions you may want to explore with your partner before moving in with them.

Why are we going to take this step?

One question you might want to start with is, “Why are we going to move in together?” This can be a deceptively simple question with very complicated answers. There may not be one answer, and that’s okay. Some reasons that partners move in together include:

• To pool resources or save money
• As a stepping stone to marriage
• Because it seems like an expected “next step”
• To spend more time together
• Convenience of living situation
• To make the other partner happy

Some reasons can be problematic

While some of these reasons are valid, some may not stand well on their own, and you may find that you have certain ideas about living together that are not shared by your partner. Living together because you perceive it’s expected of you, or because all your friends are doing so may not be the most logical reason for making this kind of decision. Talking it out together can help ensure that your answers align and that you feel comfortable with your reasoning as well as your partner’s. 

What are our expectations for the future?

Where do you see yourselves down the road? Do you plan to remain an unmarried couple, or are you living together as a precursor to engagement or marriage? Are you thinking about future children, or are you happier childless?

These could be questions you’ve already been discussing, but if you aren’t clear on the answers before moving in together, this may be your opportunity to start talking. Bringing two households together can be a significant change, and separating those households later on can be difficult. It may be wiser not to embark on a step like this in the first place if your future plans aren’t in alignment. 

What about finances?

A common topic of argument for couples is money. You may encounter issues if you make assumptions about how your bills will be divided up or how your bank accounts will be managed. Do you plan to keep your finances separate, or have a joint account? Will you share a household account or maintain solely individual accounts? Avoid waiting until the bills start piling up to make these plans, as this could lead to unnecessary stress—and conflict—down the road.

What will daily life look like in our shared household?

Rather than figuring everything out as it comes up or making assumptions, it can be beneficial to discuss what daily life may look like beforehand. Before moving day, try to talk about the type of system you’d each like to have when it comes to household responsibilities and taking space for yourselves. Let’s take a look at some life practices and procedures to discuss with your partner. 

Domestic labor, such as chores

Domestic labor is another hurdle that can trip up many couples. How do you plan to divide up the household chores? Decide whether you will share cooking duties, or if one partner will be in charge of meals. Are you taking turns with the dishes, or is one of you more inclined to take on that duty if the other will do all of the toilet scrubbings? It may seem like a minor thing, but if you don’t address it ahead of time, domestic labor can become a source of contention in a relationship. 

Sleep and other habits

Are your sleeping habits compatible? If you are both on entirely different sleep schedules, you may want to talk about the use of earplugs, headphones, and lights at night. Some couples even find that separate rooms are what they need to thrive. Having separate personal spaces for alone time can be beneficial, and many couples find that their sex life can still be just as robust even if they are sleeping in different places. It all depends on your preferences and needs, as well as your partner’s.

Expectations around time apart

When you live separately, it’s often easier to create space for yourself, your friends, and your personal interests. When you live with someone else, there can be more barriers to each of these. Talk with your partner about how you plan to spend your downtime.

You don’t need to create a detailed schedule but could say something like: “I’d like to keep Saturday nights open for my regular girl’s night, and I would love it if we did fun stuff on Friday night, and maybe have a quiet Sunday. What are your thoughts?” 

Be sure to ask questions and listen to your partner

On top of communicating your own needs and desires, it’s also vital to listen to what your partner says their needs or desires are. Maybe they would rather keep Friday nights open and do fun activities as a couple on Sundays.

Once you’ve both shared your points of view, you’ll need to honestly and kindly negotiate what you’re willing to do until you both agree on a compromise. What that looks like will vary from couple to couple, but the more equal the sacrifice, the likelier it is that you will feel it’s fair.

Are we prepared to see each other at our worst? 

Many couples who haven’t lived together may not have seen some of the less attractive or difficult parts of each other. In addition, little pet peeves that don’t seem like a big deal when only seen on occasion may seem far more annoying when lived with every day.

It’s different to visit than to live with someone long-term

If a partner falls ill (even with a minor cold or flu), they may act very differently from what you have experienced when they get sick while living in a separate location. Or you might see them come home from their job each day needing space as they de-stress when you had expected to spend time together. 

Ultimately, you’ll find yourself dealing with another full human being, in a limited space and in a way that you might not always enjoy. In order to minimize potential conflicts, it’s best to manage these expectations prior to making the move.

How do we currently deal with conflict?

Finally, are you and your partner familiar with handling conflict together? Or, in simpler terms: Have you had fights? As with some other less savory things like passing gas or using the bathroom, disagreement may be avoided in the earlier stages of a relationship. If you haven’t dealt with any disagreements, you may be unsure of how to resolve conflict with each other in a healthy way. 

It matters how you argue and how you make up

One partner may simply give in to demands because they dislike conflict. The other may have a more assertive or blunt talking style that rubs their partner the wrong way. Partners may even have different values surrounding making amends or expressing forgiveness. Conflicts between two people in close proximity are essentially inevitable, so incongruencies in this arena can lead to contempt, resentment, and other problematic or nonconstructive feelings down the line.

Online therapy for conflict management 

If you’re considering moving in with your partner and want guidance before or during the process, it may be helpful to enlist the support of a therapist. A successful relationship is often built on communication, and therapy can help couples navigate talking about topics that are difficult, or even off-limits. 

Online couples therapy for before moving in together—or after

You can access individual therapy through a platform like BetterHelp or couples therapy through Regain. Online therapy focuses on your preferences and needs so that you can get personalized support. Whether you and your partner have demanding careers or childcare responsibilities, being able to speak with a therapist from your home may make therapy more convenient and accessible.

Studies show that relationship satisfaction is significantly higher in those who have participated in couples therapy, and that couples who do it together are more likely to revisit therapy again if needed. 

Research has also shown that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy in assisting individuals and couples alike. In one study, researchers found that a couples counseling program delivered via videoconferencing was effective and a “viable alternative to face-to-face interventions.” This was particularly true for those couples who lacked access to appropriate care. 

Takeaway