Recognizing Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style In Yourself
Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory is the idea that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver. This theory can highlight how our earliest interpersonal experiences often shape our adult relationships. Fearful avoidant attachment, also called disorganized attachment, is one of four attachment styles generally recognized by proponents of attachment theory.
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style, which is usually categorized as an insecure attachment style, typically consists of a fear of intimacy that coexists with a desire for closeness. It is possible to address the difficulties associated with this attachment style through introspection, self-awareness, self-care practices, and open communication. Online or in-person therapy can be another helpful tool on your journey toward a more secure attachment style.
What are attachment styles?
While attachment styles are largely understood to be formed during infancy, individual adult attachment styles can be crucial in shaping how we connect and bond with others. Attachment styles not only affect our close relationships, including platonic friendships and romantic relationships, but they can also influence our emotional well-being. Additionally, adult attachment styles can signal the existence of mental health concerns like anxiety or chronic stress. According to John Bowlby's theory, there are usually four main attachment styles.
The four attachment styles and how they manifest in adulthood
Secure attachment style
A secure attachment style is usually characterized by a positive view of oneself and others and typically promotes healthy relationships. The additional three styles are generally considered insecure attachment styles, each exhibiting unique traits.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment style
An anxious-ambivalent attachment style—also called simply anxious attachment—typically involves a fear of abandonment and constant seeking of reassurance and approval from others. Individuals with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style may show a preoccupied attachment, constantly worrying about their relationships and whether their loved ones will remain present and supportive.
Avoidant attachment style
Individuals with an avoidant or dismissive attachment style often maintain personal boundaries to an extent that avoids emotional intimacy. They might suppress their need for intimacy and maintain emotional distance in relationships.
People with avoidant attachment styles usually hesitate to create deep relationships with others. It is thought that individuals with this attachment style did not receive sufficient emotional support from their primary caregivers, who may have left them to fend for themselves in many ways.
Disorganized attachment (fearful avoidant attachment style)
Finally, fearful avoidant attachment style, sometimes referred to as the disorganized attachment style, tends to be marked by inconsistent and unpredictable behavior, a hallmark of individuals who may have experienced childhood trauma or abuse. This complexity often extends to fearful avoidant attachments in adult relationships, which may reflect a deeply ingrained attachment process that disrupts their ability to have stable relationships.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Applying attachment theory to adult relationships
Understanding how a fearful avoidant attachment style develops often involves looking at early attachment behaviors and interactions with primary caregivers. Fearful avoidant children may develop this attachment style in their early years, laying the groundwork for their adult relationships. As these children grow into adults, fearful avoidant attachments may manifest in romantic relationships, showing how a fearful avoidant attachment may lead to a cycle of desiring closeness but pushing their partner away.
Fearful avoidant attachment is generally characterized by a conflicting desire for closeness and a fear of intimacy. Individuals with this attachment style often feel torn between a need for connection and a fear of being hurt or rejected.
Recognizing a fearful avoidant attachment style
Recognizing the signs of a fearful avoidant person may help you better understand yourself or your partner. Some of the most common indicators of a fearful avoidant attachment style include a strong desire for independence and self-reliance, reluctance to declare personal details, and a tendency to avoid commitment or emotional engagement.
People with fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness but have a negative view of relationships. As a result, they may act conflicted and experience negative emotions that can be confusing, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting for everyone in the relationship.
Other possible signs of a fearful avoidant attachment style may include:
- Engaging in stormy and highly emotional relationships
- Simultaneously desiring a romantic connection while harboring fears of potential hurt or abandonment by a significant other
- Showing a tendency to actively search for flaws in partners or friends or use them as justifications to exit a relationship
- Demonstrating resistance to commitment and intimacy, often maintaining emotional distance
- Experiencing fear related to feelings of inadequacy in a partnership or relationship
- Withdrawing from relationships when they become more intimate or emotionally intense
- Difficulty trusting or relying on others
- Low self-esteem and increased anxiety
- If you suspect your partner may have a fearful avoidant attachment style, approaching the topic with sensitivity and empathy can be crucial. By creating a safe space for them to express their fears and insecurities, you may pave the way toward a more open conversation about emotions and past experiences.
It can be important to remember that reshaping an unhealthy or insecure attachment style usually takes time and effort from everyone involved. Despite this challenge, it is possible for people with fearful avoidant attachment to develop secure connections with others.
Managing a disorganized attachment style
Living with and managing a fearful avoidant attachment style can be challenging, but with self-awareness and proactive measures, it can be possible to foster healthier relationships.
Develop self-awareness and learn about attachment theory
First and foremost, developing self-awareness is typically crucial for growth in people with fearful avoidant attachment. Try to educate yourself about the fearful avoidant attachment style and other attachment styles with a licensed mental health professional or learn more from reputable online or print publications.
These resources may provide you with valuable insight, potentially promoting methods to manage a fearful avoidant attachment style in a more beneficial way for yourself and any potential partners.
Reflect on your childhood fears and insecurities
One can often engage in introspection and self-reflection as another management strategy. Consider taking some time to examine your fears and insecurities and identify any negative patterns or behaviors that a fearful avoidant attachment style may influence.
Practice open communication
Trust and open communication tend to be paramount in building healthy relationships. Fearful avoidant individuals often have difficulty being vulnerable and expressing their needs, so it can be important to communicate your fears and insecurities with your partner.
Prioritize self-care
Self-care may also be key. This often means engaging in activities that promote self-soothing and emotional well-being. This can include exercise, mindfulness practices, hobbies, or seeking help within a support group.
Developing healthy relationships with the help of a therapist
Therapy can be a helpful resource for individuals and couples facing the challenges that a fearful avoidant attachment style may bring. For example, a therapist may be able to help an individual address underlying problems, such as childhood abuse or other past traumas that contribute to their attachment style. As people with insecure attachment styles may be prone to other mental health challenges, such as borderline personality disorder, a therapist may be able to provide support for overall mental health.
In the case of a fearful avoidant child or children, therapists can work with families to create a nurturing environment that allows the child to feel secure and supported. Couples or marital therapy can address insecure attachment styles that directly affect a relationship and work toward building a more secure bond.
Online therapy
In many cases, online therapy serves as a convenient and affordable option by eliminating the need for childcare, transportation, and other expenses often associated with face-to-face therapy. In addition to flexibility and cost-effectiveness, research has demonstrated that online therapy usually delivers a quality of care equal to that of in-person therapy. It’s often used to address a wide variety of mental health disorders and concerns.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
How can I support my partner if they have a fearful avoidant attachment style?
If your partner has fearful avoidant tendencies, patience can be key. Fearful avoidants have a greater tendency to be uncomfortable with vulnerability and physical touch. When they have moments of emotional or physical unavailability, avoid blame and don’t take it personally. This can cause them to feel shame and try to create more distance.
When you communicate, use “I” statements to avoid blame, and try to talk about issues you have when you are calm. Validate their feelings, and try to voice your problems as requests, rather than complaints. Because they may be less likely to share about themselves, be attentive to their body language, and ask how they’re feeling if you notice a change.
Working with a couples counselor can be extremely helpful. A therapist can help you and your partner learn how to compromise, an important part of bonding as fearful avoidant people often engage in a push pull dynamic, and think of issues as a win-lose situation.
How do you move from a fearful avoidant to a secure attachment style?
Self-awareness and the ability to identify yourself as someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style can be the first step toward overcoming your fearful attachment and shifting toward secure attachment patterns. Educate yourself on the different attachment styles and how they develop.
Next, start to self-identify the triggers for your fearful avoidant behaviors. When engaging with your partner, consider why you feel the way you do, and try to think of a healthier way to engage. Work on developing healthy communication skills, especially focusing on healthy conflict resolution skills. Learn to set healthy boundaries.
Finally, you may want to seek professional help. A therapist can help you learn to cope with uncomfortable emotions, facilitate building trust and self-acceptance, and offer guidance in learning how to form strong interpersonal bonds.
Can childhood trauma lead to an avoidant attachment style?
Childhood experiences with their primary caregivers are the foundation of our attachment style. A child develops their attachment style based on whether or not they have unmet needs, or whether there are ruptures in their first bond. Any traumatic event can contribute to an avoidant attachment style, including but not limited to abuse, neglect, a chaotic environment, inconsistently met needs, or dysregulated caregivers.
How does attachment theory apply to my relationships as an adult?
If not addressed, attachment styles formed in childhood can continue into adulthood and contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics.
How do people with a fearful avoidant attachment style behave in love?
An individual who has developed and carries a fearful avoidant attachment into adulthood may find it difficult to trust romantic partners. Fearful attachment patterns can contribute to emotional insecurity and a negative view of others. They may desire close interpersonal relationships, but are afraid of getting too close to others because it makes them feel vulnerable. Due to childhood experiences in the formative years, fearful avoidant people typically have poor self-worth and engage in self-criticism.
How to make a fearful avoidant feel safe?
If someone you love is fearful avoidant, you can help them to feel safe by practicing active listening skills. Listen to what they have to say, and validate their feelings. Offer empathy, while maintaining your own boundaries. Avoid criticism as much as possible, and communicate your wants and needs when calm.
What are fearful avoidant attachment attracted to?
Because of their tendency to avoid emotional intimacy, people with fearful avoidant attachment can be attracted to other avoidant attachment styles. Some may pursue more sexual partners and relationships that don’t ask for a close emotional bond. Some others may crave closeness and reassurance, and therefore find themselves attracted to secure attachment styles. Some may swing between attraction to these styles.
How to tell if someone is a fearful avoidant?
According to attachment theory, the relationship between an individual and their primary caregiver has a specific impact on creating their core needs from others, and their behaviors in building and maintaining interpersonal relationships. Different attachment styles are looked at as internal working models of relationships, evolved from experience.
The four category model of attachment styles includes secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and fearful attachment. Those with a fearful attachment may crave closeness with others, but become fearful when they feel that another person requires too much. They may come off as “hot and cold” or as having a “push-pull” dynamic, especially when matched with someone who has anxious attachment.
Is fearful avoidant the worst attachment?
Fearful or anxious avoidant attachment combines some of the most difficult traits from anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. The combination of these two working models can make interpersonal relationships especially difficult. A fearful avoidant person is often low-confidence and prone to repressing their feelings, although they can have intense emotional outbursts when stressed. They avoid seeking help, and avoid intimacy because of their fear that it will end up hurting them.
What kind of partner does a fearful avoidant need?
Secure people make good partners for those who have fearful avoidant tendencies. People with secure attachment are often attracted to those who are fearful avoidant as they (consciously or unconsciously) want to offer a sense of security to them. Secure partners may be better able to set boundaries and not take offense when a fearful avoidant requires time alone, and experiences periods of emotional distance. Positive social support can be beneficial to someone with a fearful avoidant attachment.
- Previous Article
- Next Article