Recognizing Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style In Yourself

Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory is the idea that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver. This theory can highlight how our earliest interpersonal experiences often shape our adult relationships. Fearful avoidant attachment, also called disorganized attachment, is one of four attachment styles generally recognized by proponents of attachment theory. 

A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style, which is usually categorized as an insecure attachment style, typically consists of a fear of intimacy that coexists with a desire for closeness. It is possible to address the difficulties associated with this attachment style through introspection, self-awareness, self-care practices, and open communication. Online or in-person therapy can be another helpful tool on your journey toward a more secure attachment style.

What are attachment styles?

While attachment styles are largely understood to be formed during infancy, individual adult attachment styles can be crucial in shaping how we connect and bond with others. Attachment styles not only affect our close relationships, including platonic friendships and romantic relationships, but they can also influence our emotional well-being. Additionally, adult attachment styles can signal the existence of mental health concerns like anxiety or chronic stress. According to John Bowlby's theory, there are usually four main attachment styles.

The four attachment styles and how they manifest in adulthood

Secure attachment style

A secure attachment style is usually characterized by a positive view of oneself and others and typically promotes healthy relationships. The additional three styles are generally considered insecure attachment styles, each exhibiting unique traits.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment style

An anxious-ambivalent attachment style—also called simply anxious attachment—typically involves a fear of abandonment and constant seeking of reassurance and approval from others. Individuals with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style may show a preoccupied attachment, constantly worrying about their relationships and whether their loved ones will remain present and supportive.

Avoidant attachment style

Individuals with an avoidant or dismissive attachment style often maintain personal boundaries to an extent that avoids emotional intimacy. They might suppress their need for intimacy and maintain emotional distance in relationships.

People with avoidant attachment styles usually hesitate to create deep relationships with others. It is thought that individuals with this attachment style did not receive sufficient emotional support from their primary caregivers, who may have left them to fend for themselves in many ways.

Disorganized attachment (fearful avoidant attachment style)

Finally, fearful avoidant attachment style, sometimes referred to as the disorganized attachment style, tends to be marked by inconsistent and unpredictable behavior, a hallmark of individuals who may have experienced childhood trauma or abuse. This complexity often extends to fearful avoidant attachments in adult relationships, which may reflect a deeply ingrained attachment process that disrupts their ability to have stable relationships.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Applying attachment theory to adult relationships

Understanding how a fearful avoidant attachment style develops often involves looking at early attachment behaviors and interactions with primary caregivers. Fearful avoidant children may develop this attachment style in their early years, laying the groundwork for their adult relationships. As these children grow into adults, fearful avoidant attachments may manifest in romantic relationships, showing how a fearful avoidant attachment may lead to a cycle of desiring closeness but pushing their partner away. 

Recognizing a fearful avoidant attachment style

Recognizing the signs of a fearful avoidant person may help you better understand yourself or your partner. Some of the most common indicators of a fearful avoidant attachment style include a strong desire for independence and self-reliance, reluctance to declare personal details, and a tendency to avoid commitment or emotional engagement.

People with fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness but have a negative view of relationships. As a result, they may act conflicted and experience negative emotions that can be confusing, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting for everyone in the relationship.

Other possible signs of a fearful avoidant attachment style may include: 

• Engaging in stormy and highly emotional relationships
• Simultaneously desiring a romantic connection while harboring fears of potential hurt or abandonment by a significant other
• Showing a tendency to actively search for flaws in partners or friends or use them as justifications to exit a relationship
• Demonstrating resistance to commitment and intimacy, often maintaining emotional distance
• Experiencing fear related to feelings of inadequacy in a partnership or relationship
• Withdrawing from relationships when they become more intimate or emotionally intense
• Difficulty trusting or relying on others 
• Low self-esteem and increased anxiety 
• If you suspect your partner may have a fearful avoidant attachment style, approaching the topic with sensitivity and empathy can be crucial. By creating a safe space for them to express their fears and insecurities, you may pave the way toward a more open conversation about emotions and past experiences. 

It can be important to remember that reshaping an unhealthy or insecure attachment style usually takes time and effort from everyone involved. Despite this challenge, it is possible for people with fearful avoidant attachment to develop secure connections with others. 

Managing a disorganized attachment style

Living with and managing a fearful avoidant attachment style can be challenging, but with self-awareness and proactive measures, it can be possible to foster healthier relationships. 

Develop self-awareness and learn about attachment theory

First and foremost, developing self-awareness is typically crucial for growth in people with fearful avoidant attachment. Try to educate yourself about the fearful avoidant attachment style and other attachment styles with a licensed mental health professional or learn more from reputable online or print publications.

These resources may provide you with valuable insight, potentially promoting methods to manage a fearful avoidant attachment style in a more beneficial way for yourself and any potential partners. 

Reflect on your childhood fears and insecurities

One can often engage in introspection and self-reflection as another management strategy. Consider taking some time to examine your fears and insecurities and identify any negative patterns or behaviors that a fearful avoidant attachment style may influence.

Practice open communication

Trust and open communication tend to be paramount in building healthy relationships. Fearful avoidant individuals often have difficulty being vulnerable and expressing their needs, so it can be important to communicate your fears and insecurities with your partner. 

Prioritize self-care

Self-care may also be key. This often means engaging in activities that promote self-soothing and emotional well-being. This can include exercise, mindfulness practices, hobbies, or seeking help within a support group. 

Developing healthy relationships with the help of a therapist

Therapy can be a helpful resource for individuals and couples facing the challenges that a fearful avoidant attachment style may bring. For example, a therapist may be able to help an individual address underlying problems, such as childhood abuse or other past traumas that contribute to their attachment style. As people with insecure attachment styles may be prone to other mental health challenges, such as borderline personality disorder, a therapist may be able to provide support for overall mental health.

In the case of a fearful avoidant child or children, therapists can work with families to create a nurturing environment that allows the child to feel secure and supported. Couples or marital therapy can address insecure attachment styles that directly affect a relationship and work toward building a more secure bond.

Online therapy

In many cases, online therapy serves as a convenient and affordable option by eliminating the need for childcare, transportation, and other expenses often associated with face-to-face therapy. In addition to flexibility and cost-effectiveness, research has demonstrated that online therapy usually delivers a quality of care equal to that of in-person therapy. It’s often used to address a wide variety of mental health disorders and concerns.