Relationship Problems And Mental Health Impacts: When Are Issues Dealbreakers?

Most couples experience relationship issues and troubles from time to time. These might be caused by financial stressors, breaches of trust, communication issues, crossed boundaries, or something else.

When left unresolved, these issues can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics, chronic stress, physical health issues, or the separation of the couple. In contrast, when couples rely on core values such as thoughtful communication, mutual respect, and teamwork, they can often overcome issues and grow stronger in the relationship. 

The most common relationship issues and challenges

Nearly all couples — even those with healthy relationships — experience issues or conflict from time to time. Some of the most common ones are highlighted below. 

Reduced emotional connection or physical intimacy

It is common for couples to find themselves drifting apart over time, especially if they live together. Oftentimes, these issues require honest communication and an intentional effort to reconnect.

Communication difficulties

Many people are not taught effective communication skills. This can make it challenging for them to get on the same page, feel heard, and avoid making hurtful comments to their partner. 

Infidelity in a relationship

When your romantic partner cheats on you, it will likely harm your ability to trust them. If both parties are willing and able, relationship therapy can help address the underlying motivators for infidelity and how to learn from them. 

Challenges with financial strains

Financial pressures often strain relationships, especially when partners have different spending habits or expectations. Clear discussions, budgeting, or consulting with a financial advisor may be necessary. 

Harmful arguments and topics

Many couples have differences of opinion. However, they should not devolve into spiteful comments, name-calling, or absolutisms. 

Recurring arguments & disputes impact on mental health

Does it seem like you disagree or fight about the same issues day after day? Or have the same fight about chores, childcare, or something else every day? These recurrent arguments might escalate over time as both parties in the relationship become increasingly frustrated. Couples therapy may help resolve some of these relationship issues. 

Feeling taken for granted in the relationship

Sometimes, partners forget to show appreciation for each other. Simply verbalizing appreciation regularly, spending quality time together, or giving a thoughtful gift to your partner can help express your gratitude for all they do.

If some of these relationship issues are or have been present in your current relationship (or previous relationships), you may want to consider the patterns. This might mean having an honest conversation with your partner, reading credible books or articles about the issues you have identified, or speaking with a talk therapist.

Can a relationship overcome communication challenges? 

John Gottman, Ph.D., determined that four main elements of overarching toxic communication styles can predict the end of present relationships when left unaddressed. These are commonly called the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” and they include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which are described below. 

Criticism

Unlike a complaint, which addresses a specific behavior, criticism implies fault with the person themselves. For example, when you discover that your partner didn’t complete a chore, a criticism may sound like, “Why are you so lazy? Can you really not accomplish anything without me?”

Contempt

Contempt is any verbal or nonverbal action that intentionally causes harm. Contempt may include sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling in a relationship. 

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is often a form of self-preservation. However, when someone cannot accept any accountability, it may make the other partner feel unheard or invalidated.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling includes things like evading or going silent during difficult conversations or going silent. When one partner shuts down, their the other partner may push for more communication. This might also lead them to believe that their partner doesn’t care about the conversation, or their relationship.

Criticism

Although these issues may lead to the end of a relationship, there are ways to overcome them. For example, when you feel compelled to criticize your partner, instead consider the following: 

• What behavior do you want them to address? 
• How can you ask them to change their behavior without attacking who they are as a person?

It may also help to consider using “I” language statements and make your request as concise and specific as possible. 

For example, instead of saying, “You stress me out when you don’t call to tell me you’re running late,” you might say, “I feel anxious when you don’t communicate to me that you’re running late.” These “I” statements help not to place blame, which may cause defensiveness in a relationship.

Contempt

If you notice that you’re starting to show contempt, it might help to: 

• Become aware of the thought, feeling, or behavior you are responding to. 
• Clearly and respectfully verbalize what you feel angry about rather than rolling your eyes or saying something passive-aggressive.
• Recognize their efforts when they do something positive. 

Defensive behavior

If you notice that you’ve become defensive, you could practice: 

• Active listening as your partner expresses themselves, followed by an expression of validation by saying something like, “I hear what you’re saying, and I want to understand your perspective.”
• Take a deep breath to clear your head and allow yourself to move away from self-defense. 
• Accepting some responsibility for the role you might have played in a harmful dynamic. Consider asking them, “How can I address your concerns?”

Stonewalling

If you believe you’re shutting down and stonewalling your partner, you might try to:

• Tell your partner that you have become overwhelmed and need a time-out to calm yourself before returning to the conversation. Ensure they know that you will return to the conversation in the future. 
• Do something to calm yourself, such as going for a walk, reading, or practicing deep-breathing exercises. 

The benefits of couples therapy for mental health

In many instances, couples experiencing relationship issues find it difficult to change these dynamics on their own. For married couples, 70% experience a positive impact from couples therapy, and couples therapy has been shown to reduce conflict and improve relationship satisfaction. Couples therapists help their clients address unhealthy relationship issues and build tools for healthy communication, conflict resolution, and greater emotional intimacy.

Despite the effectiveness of couples therapy, some partners may find couples therapy to be stigmatizing or uncomfortable when attending sessions in person. In these cases, online therapy from a platform such as BetterHelp may provide a greater sense of autonomy because sessions can be conducted from home. A 2022 peer-reviewed study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that online relationship therapy can be an effective alternative to in-person therapy online couples therapy can be an effective alternative to in-person therapy, resulting in improved relationship satisfaction and mental health.

When are issues a sign of an irreparably toxic relationship? 

Unhealthy relationships often have some of the following characteristics: 

• Controlling behavior
• Hostility or picking fights
• Recurring breaches of trust
• Fear of one’s partner
• Disrespect for someone’s opinions, beliefs, or property
• Codependence
• Isolation from one another or from friends and /or family
• Abuse, which may include sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or financial abuse

Most patterns of abuse begin with threatening behavior before escalating to overt emotional or physical abuse. At some point, the abuser may express remorse or make promises to change. However, in instances of abuse, harmful behaviors are often cyclical, meaning they may be difficult for couples to resolve and move past. 

Though some couples may be able to work through single instances of abuse with the help of a therapist, most are better off when they leave relationships marred by abuse issues, control, manipulation, or disrespect.