Relationship Problems: How To Know When It's Over Or When To Give It Another Shot

Even the most seemingly perfect romantic partners experience relationship problems. Perhaps you have heard of the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, or have experienced it yourself. This is the period of the relationship in which the experience is so novel that we often overlook or make excuses for relationship red flags. However, over time negative feelings begin to manifest and grow into resentment from one partner or both. What we once considered the other partner’s quirks or idiosyncrasies may become points of contention or point to more serious, underlying issues. 

To navigate today’s dating world and find a healthy relationship, it is crucial to be aware of the signs a relationship is over. Some of us might be hyper aware of flaws in a partner due to trauma from previous abusive relationships. Some find that, while they are aware of the common red flags, they continue repeating the same detrimental behaviors across different relationships. 

This article aims to help you know what to look for when identifying the signs of an unhealthy relationship. It is important to know the difference between common relationship problems that can be overcome through honest communication, and genuine red flags that are a sign to end the relationship.

Recognizing red flags

If you have spent any amount of time in the dating world, you have likely heard of “red flags.” Many of us can even name a few or can recall times when they appeared in previous relationships. While we are often aware of red flags intellectually, they can be harder to recognize in the middle of a relationship, particularly when we love our partner and feel inclined to make excuses for their unhealthy behaviors. 

While every relationship has ups and downs, red flags are serious problems that can require a lot of work to overcome, if they can be overcome at all. Some red flags are a sign that the relationship will likely be unsuccessful. While it is not impossible to succeed, overcoming red flags requires both partners to be on the same page about wanting to grow. This may require solutions such as therapy. 

The Gottman Institute claims “contempt” is the greatest indicator of a failing relationship, with behaviors such as criticism, defensiveness, and the silent treatment ranking as high level warning signs as well. 

Some more red flags that indicate your relationship might be worth leaving include:

• Lack of emotional connection
• Lack of communication, and what communication is present is hostile or confrontational
• Lack of trust
• Poor sex life or lack of interest in physical intimacy
• You don’t support each other or you have opposing goals or plans for the future

Some red flags go beyond being a sign of a failing relationship, namely, physical and emotional abuse. If you’re experiencing physical or emotional abuse at the hands of your partner, there are resources available to help you safely remove yourself from the situation. 

Strategies for recovering

When it comes to general relationship issues, solutions can often be reached through practicing honest communication and mature conflict resolution skills.

A few strategies for bouncing back and restoring a relationship include:

• If you have an issue with your partner’s behavior, be as concise and direct as possible. Vague communication and passive aggression only serve to make the issue worse. It is important to be supportive and validating of your partner’s efforts to make change. 
• When life gets busy, it can be difficult to make time for intimacy with our partner. For romantic sexual partners, setting aside designated time for sexual intimacy can often help reintroduce the spark to a relationship.
• Practice self-love and self-care. A common side effect of self-neglect is neglecting one’s personal and romantic relationships. 

Navigating tough talks

Most of us have a general aversion to conflict and having tough talks. Addressing a problem regarding your partner’s behavior might cause us so much anxiety that we attempt to ignore glaring issues in the relationship. While “letting it blow over” might apply to an occasional disagreement, refusing to have difficult conversations and address serious issues with your partner is comparable to ignoring an injury. The problem will only increase over time. 

Some tips for navigating tough talks with your partner include:

• Understand your expectations and motivations.
• Communication is key. Be assertive but respectful, and consider how you begin the conversation. This can set the tone for the whole discussion.
• Choose the right environment. You and your partner should have space and secrecy. These talks are not meant to embarrass your partner. 

In an article published by Essence, Dr. Jessica Smedley says, “Difficult conversations, when done fruitfully and with love, can lead to better intimacy, relationship health, overall happiness, and investments in the future in the event children are involved, as it role models emotional resilience and love even when tough.”

However, regardless of your own effort to improve the relationship, many of us find our partner is unwilling to reciprocate. You may feel you've tried everything and nothing seems to be working. When open, mature communication is no longer achieving results, it might be time to walk away. 

How therapy can help

Therapy can be a valuable resource for romantic relationships experiencing rough patches. Therapy can potentially provide insight to help us identify red flags and navigate through them, as well as help us to better understand our partners and ourselves. Additionally, online therapy offers the flexibility to receive therapy in the environment of your choice, and help you figure out when it might be time to exit a relationship for good.