Relationship Trouble: How To Cope, Reconnect, And Move Forward

Challenges can be common in intimate relationships. Research shows that an estimated 70% of adults have difficulty maintaining long-term romantic relationships for a variety of reasons. But with the busy schedules, abundant responsibilities, and chronic distractions that affect many of us, it may be challenging to recognize when trouble is on the horizon. We may not take note of the relationship issues that affect us the most until they’re causing significant strife, which can make resolving and coping with them somewhat tricky. You may find it helpful to communicate openly, practice empathy, invest in quality time together, and consult a licensed couples therapist. 

Typical relationship trouble

While every relationship tends to be unique, some common warning signs may indicate problems. It can be important to note that these signs don’t necessarily mean a relationship is in dire straits, but they may signal areas that need attention.

Communication issues

One of the most common relationship challenges occurs when partners struggle to express themselves, understand each other, or address pressing concerns. Communication styles often vary between people and relationships. For example, you’re likely to communicate differently with a family member than with an intimate partner, or you may have had to change the style you’re most comfortable with in the past to get through to an ex-partner. 

Many couples struggle with communication, and a lack of effective communication may be at the root of several of the most common relationship problems. As such, learning to spot communication problems and recognize each other’s style can be vital for building healthy bonds. 

Here are some signs your communication might need work:

• You’re highly critical of each other.
• You feel defensive when your partner speaks to you, and vice versa. 
• You argue over the same thing repeatedly.
• You don’t acknowledge conflict or avoid addressing conflict. 
• You assume you know what your partner thinks or feels, and vice versa. 
• You aren’t receptive to compromise or listening to each other’s perspectives.
• You or your partner engage in passive-aggressive behaviors.
• You or your partner engage in stonewalling or the “silent treatment.”

Trust and jealousy issues

A lack of trust in the relationship can tax the partnership and take a toll on an individual’s emotional well-being. There are many reasons why individuals may have problems with trust. For example, negative experiences with previous relationships or trauma in childhood can lead to attachment styles that may foster mistrust. Mental health conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and depression can contribute to trust issues as well. People who have experienced social rejection or isolation may also have difficulty trusting others. 

Couples or people with trust issues may:

• Avoid commitment
• Assume that problems are caused intentionally
• Pick fights with one another
• Exhibit secretive behaviors
• Isolate from other people
• Have challenges with emotions and physical intimacy
• Exhibit overprotective behaviors

Emotional distance

Stress, a lack of life balance, attachment style, and incompatibility may be a few factors that can create emotional distance in intimate relationships. Other contributors often carry a bi-directional relationship with emotional distance, acting as a cause, result, or both. 

For example, people with this relationship obstacle may keep their emotions “bottled up” and avoid conversations about feelings, potentially creating more distance. A lack of intimacy and affection, unresolved conflicts, and unmet emotional needs can cultivate resentment and emotional isolation within relationships. Eventually, an individual with emotional disconnectedness in their relationship may lose interest in rescuing the relationship or connecting with the other partner entirely. 

Different relationship values

Our values can be seen as fundamental beliefs and principles that shape how we perceive the world, guide how we behave, and influence how we approach relationships. When our values don’t align with those of our romantic partner, problems can arise as the relationship progresses.

For some, differing values and priorities regarding important life decisions, such as marriage and children, can harm the relationship. For others, the differences in values concerning mutual respect for each other’s time and space or viewpoints can be a bad sign for the relationship’s future. Spirituality, work ethic, and financial habits are all topics that might create challenges in a relationship between individuals who can’t align around these issues. 

Lack of support

Empathy, active listening, genuine interest in what’s happening in each other’s lives, and encouragement during difficult times can all be ways that emotional support may manifest in a relationship. Support can be essential for so many reasons, and without it, we might be left feeling alone or unwanted in the relationship. Problems related to trust, emotional intimacy, and self-confidence can all arise out of a lack of support. 

You may have a lack of emotional support in your relationship if:

• Your partner is dismissive or minimizes your feelings during difficult situations.
• They aren’t happy for you or willing to celebrate your successes.
• They have negative feelings about or aren’t interested in your goals.
• They “blow off” important events like your birthday.
• They’re absent during difficult times.
• They talk over you or make everything about them. 
• They make sure you know they have other priorities, or they prioritize their interests over yours.

Financial problems tend to be a common stressor, sometimes creating mental health issues for individuals that can carry over in their relationships. There are several ways that financial matters can contribute to relationship problems:

• Lack of communication around large financial decisions
• Divergent financial goals
• Financial infidelity - When one partner is dishonest with the other about their income sources, assets, or spending habits
• Income differences
• Incompatible spending habits
• Control issues

Unequal power and control in a relationship can be seriously hurtful, and in their most intense form, they can constitute emotional abuse. While it isn’t always easy to recognize, there are a few signs you might look for if you suspect that you or someone you know is involved in a controlling relationship:

• If your significant other becomes angry when you want time for yourself or feels resentment when they aren’t included in all your plans, it might be an indicator of emotional abuse. 
• Your partner finds fault with your family, friends, and anyone else you spend time with and criticizes you for associating with them.
• They exhibit a constant pattern of shame and criticism in public by making you feel self-conscious about your flaws or differences. 
• Your partner accuses you of cheating or flirting with other people, even if you haven’t done anything to provoke suspicion. 
• They lack respect for your personal boundaries by compulsively checking your texts, social media activity, calls, emails, or other types of communication. They may also go through your personal belongings, looking for evidence of infidelity. 
• They blame you or become the “victim” when they experience difficult emotions, including anger and frustration. 
• They use “gaslighting” to twist your words against you or make you question your memories and experiences.

Managing problems in a healthy relationship

Managing problems in a relationship typically requires effort, communication, and commitment from both partners. Here are some strategies to address and navigate relationship challenges:

Communicate openly about the trouble you're experiencing

Open communication can be the cornerstone for healthy relationships and is often the best tool for resolving relationship troubles. Healthy communication generally involves creating a safe space for open and honest communication where you can clearly express your feelings, concerns, and needs. Here are some ways you can hone your communication skills in your relationship:

Cultivate relationship self-awareness

Self-awareness can go a long way toward strengthening how we communicate in relationships. For example, the attachment style you develop in childhood can influence how you communicate in adulthood. Understanding what does (or doesn’t) influence your self-esteem, confidence, and mental outlook can also help. 

When we feel defensive or attacked during an argument, it can be easy to slip into unhelpful communication strategies like shouting or passive-aggressiveness. But before engaging, try to think about how you can be part of the solution and foster better communication in the long run instead of how you can “win” the disagreement. If you care about your partner, you’d likely prefer to nurture the relationship and move forward. Thinking about the bigger picture can keep you focused on that goal without sacrificing your feelings. 

Active listening may allow your partner to feel heard and show them that you value and respect their thoughts and feelings. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with them, you can put yourself in your partner’s shoes to understand their point of view.

Solve relationship trouble together

Establishing clear boundaries and expectations in your relationship may limit the opportunity for ambiguity and misunderstanding when times get tough. Boundaries can be excellent tools for opening a discussion around each other’s needs (and limits) and agreeing on how you’ll handle future challenges together. 

Spending quality time with your partner can be critical for strengthening the emotional connection in a healthy relationship. It may provide you with opportunities to build trust, grow together, and foster positive experiences while doing something you both enjoy

Take care of yourself outside the relationship

If common relationship problems persist, such as difficulties in talking or common issues resurfacing in certain ways, seeking professional help can provide guidance on dealing with them. Solving a relationship problem with professional help can often be useful for supporting the best interests of both you and your partner. 

A therapist can remind you and your partner that you’re on the same team and that finding common ground is key. They might recommend different activities, such as having date nights and doing household chores, to strengthen the relationship. They might also provide strategies to improve on common issues, such as working on being a good listener and being more aware of your partner’s emotions.

In online therapy, couples and individuals can work on any issues that may contribute to difficulty in relationships, such as troubles with communication and self-esteem. Online therapy is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance, and a large body of research indicates it can be as effective as in-person therapy for helping couples learn the tools necessary to cope with relationship difficulties, cultivate better mental health, and move forward healthily.