What Causes Resentment In Relationships?

Resentment—the lingering feeling of bitterness that gives rise to grudges—can be one of the most destructive and complex emotions in a romantic relationship or marriage. If it’s not properly acknowledged and left unaddressed, it can cause a serious rift between you and your partner. Repairing a relationship damaged by resentment typically requires honesty, compassion, and compromise. Read on to learn more about this emotion in the context of a romantic relationship plus tips for addressing it.

Understanding relationship resentment

Having a clear grasp of the nature of the relationship’s resentment can help us understand how it develops. Psychologists suggest that while this emotion is related to anger, it has some distinct features—in particular, a sense of injustice or unfairness. Resentment often arises when a person feels they’ve been wronged, either by other people or by life circumstances beyond their control.

Resentment in relationships isn’t necessarily always rational because human beings aren’t always rational. It can crop up even when there’s no objective reason to think that either person has done something wrong. In some ways, this can make it even harder to address. The resentful partner may recognize that their disappointment or negative feelings aren’t justified, so they may be hesitant to bring them up. This can allow resentment to build to a crisis point instead of being dealt with at the start.

How resentment can harm a relationship

Relationship resentment is a common ingredient in the kind of destructive tension that can negatively impact a couple’s bond. When one partner is holding a grudge toward the other, it can be hard for them to express the affection, care, and appreciation that typically sustain a healthy connection.

Even if the partner feeling resentment acts like nothing is wrong, the bitterness they’re feeling over unmet expectations may inhibit their ability to receive expressions of love, or it may become apparent in ways they don’t intend. This can diminish the level of emotional intimacy within the relationship.

Things can get even worse if the person who’s harboring resentment begins to display covert or even overt hostility toward their partner. This can take a variety of forms, including:

• Coldness and emotional distance
• Passive-aggressive comments and subtle digs at their partner
• Neglecting their partner’s needs and feelings
• Avoiding spending time together
• Hostile criticism
• Irritability
• Angry outbursts

In more extreme cases, resentment can even lead to “revenge” behaviors. For example, someone who feels resentful because they perceive their partner as too flirtatious with others might start pursuing romantic attention outside of the relationship themselves. This kind of dynamic can become toxic, with the resentful partner deliberately inflicting pain on the other as a form of emotional payback.

Negative behaviors like these may lead to hurt feelings and arguments. They may even provoke resentment in the other partner in turn, resulting in an escalating cycle that pushes the couple further apart physically and emotionally.

Where does resentment in a relationship come from?

There are many possible sources of resentment within romantic relationships. Usually, they’re related to some type of imbalance—real or perceived—between the couple. Such a situation can cause one partner to feel they’re getting the short end of the stick. Common examples include the following.

Uneven responsibilities

One person may feel that they’re doing far more of the everyday tasks within a relationship, whether it’s planning dates or household chores like making dinner or cleaning, home upkeep, and transporting children. Though these tasks might seem small individually, they can add up in terms of both time and effort, and this kind of an unequal division of labor can become a major issue in a romantic relationship.

Excessive emotional labor placed on one partner

Someone who has to constantly monitor their partner’s feelings and keep them happy may wind up feeling that their own emotional needs aren’t being met. A similar dynamic can arise if one partner seems to be putting more effort into expressing love and care.

A mismatch with physical intimacy in a relationship

Another common source of resentment is a feeling that one’s sexual needs are being neglected, if sex is a component of a given romantic relationship. This may happen if one person shows little concern for their partner’s pleasure, or if one person rarely initiates or shows interest in sex. Ironically, a mismatch in sexual desire can often be traced back at least partly to preexisting resentment about the division of labor or similar issues. 

In long-term partnerships, one person can sometimes wind up sacrificing personal priorities such as career opportunities or closeness to family members for the sake of the other person or for the relationship itself. This can spark happiness and closeness, but it can also sometimes trigger resentment and other negative emotions over time, especially when there is a lack of healthy communication in the relationship. 

Resentment is a common challenge in relationships where one party winds up caring for the other over a prolonged period due to illness, injury, mental illness, disability, or other factors. There’s an inevitable imbalance in the amount of work that the caregiving partner must provide, and this may cause difficult and complex feelings.

How to overcome resentment in a relationship

When resentment arises between you and your partner, it can be important to address it before it leads to significant harm to your relationship. The following strategies may make this easier.

Learn to recognize the signs

Feelings of resentment may not always be expressed openly, especially if the person with resentment recognizes that the imbalances in the relationship aren’t due to deliberate selfishness from their partner. Sometimes they may not even admit to themselves what they’re feeling. 

Possible behavioral indicators of resentment in a partner include:

• A lack of emotional connection, or coldness
• Becoming easily angered 
• Frequently bringing up past disagreements, playing the blame game
• Refusal to communicate about their emotions
• Less empathy or a lack of compassion for the other person’s feelings
• Sarcastic, passive-aggressive comments
• Petty arguments
• Complaining behind a partner’s back
• Less interest in sex or physical affection
• Apathy

There can be other explanations for these issues, but if you notice them frequently, you may want to consider whether your partner might have some reason to harbor resentment. Or, if you realize you’ve been exhibiting the behaviors described above, you may need to consider whether you’ve started to resent the other person. 

You may be inclined to keep your feelings to yourself when something annoys you for the sake of keeping the peace in your relationship. However, psychological research suggests that bottling these things up can lead to brooding and passive-aggressive behaviors.

A better reaction may be to begin talking with your partner when you’re upset, even if it seems silly or irrational. If you know that what’s bugging you isn’t their fault, you can say so, explaining that you’re just trying to talk through your feelings rather than bottling them up. This may make you less likely to hold resentment.

Practice gratitude

When romantic partners cultivate an attitude of thankfulness toward each other, it can help combat the buildup of resentment on both sides. By focusing on the things you love about your relationship and the ways the other person makes your life better, you may find that resentment-inducing feelings like envy and others naturally dwindle. At the same time, you may be less likely to make your partner feel resentful if you express appreciation for even the small things they do for you.

Resentment generally springs from a sense of unfairness. Looking for opportunities to deal with this by making things more equitable can be an important way to help your relationship heal. This could start with a simple willingness to hear your partner out and consider their perspective. When you discover that they’re feeling resentful, a defensive emotional response is natural—but denying your role in the problem and dismissing their perception of imbalance will likely make the problem worse. Instead, you may need to try and honor their feelings and look for a solution that works for you both. 

Nurture forgiveness

Forgiveness can be the antidote for a variety of negative emotions between relationship partners, including resentment. Making a deliberate choice to forgive the other person for the causes of resentment can be a crucial step in healing. 

Of course, this may only be possible when the imbalance or unfairness is acknowledged. If you want your partner to be able to forgive you and move forward, you might have to try and take in their point of view and own up to your part in the problem. 

Addressing negative feelings in relationships through therapy

Navigating issues of fairness and forgiveness within a relationship can be much more difficult if you’ve been neglecting your own mental health or have deeper issues that haven’t been properly addressed. Working with a therapist may help you identify and acknowledge the root cause of the resentment, and respond more constructively to the challenges you and your partner are facing. 

The process of locating a relationship therapist can seem overwhelming, however, especially when you’re also trying to manage conflict with the person you love. Online therapy can make this process much simpler. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist who has the expertise you’re looking for. There’s no need to spend weeks on a waitlist or travel for miles to find someone who’s accepting new clients, and you’ll be able to attend sessions via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home.

Clinical research is increasingly demonstrating that online counseling can be a valid way to receive mental health care. For example, a 2021 meta-analysis suggests no reduction in effectiveness when cognitive behavioral therapy was delivered online instead of in person. Connecting virtually with a therapist can be a convenient way to improve your emotional health and relationship skills so that you’re better equipped to work through your troubles with your partner.