Sharing Space: Conflict With Your Living Partner And How To Solve It

Conflict can be a normal and natural part of relationships. When we live with others, we may expect an increase in conflict, even in healthy relationships. There’s nothing inherently wrong with conflict, but the way we manage it can be important. Employing an assertive communication style, setting and respecting healthy boundaries, establishing reasonable expectations, and listening to your partner can be helpful. If you sense you could benefit from professional guidance in improving your communication and conflict resolution skills, working with a therapist individually or with your partner may be helpful.

What types of conflict can I expect when I live with someone?

Living with your partner can come with disagreements, misunderstandings, and mismatched expectations. Below are common issues you may encounter when you cohabitate with your partner. 

Financial conflict: Money tends to be one of the most common topics of conflict. This can involve smaller concerns, such as one partner spending what the other perceives to be too much on a luxury item, or larger conflicts, like the division of household bills. 

Domestic labor disputes: If there is no clear consensus on who will complete which household task and when, there can be arguments down the line. It can be helpful to discuss and agree upon a clear division of labor in advance rather than assuming that your partner will automatically take on certain responsibilities. 

Personal space concerns: The need for alone time may contribute to conflicts when you live with another person. Often, people don’t negotiate these types of boundaries ahead of time. They may sense that they’re spending too much time together or that they aren’t getting enough time to spend on their own or with their friends, family members, or interests. 

Scheduling conflicts: When you live with someone, schedules may not always line up. This can refer to work schedules, sleep schedules, eating schedules, sex schedules, and more.

The first line of defense in managing conflict may be to avoid it with clear communication of expectations and boundaries. You likely won’t avoid conflict altogether, but by setting up an idea of what you want and need in your living arrangements, there should be fewer surprise disputes. 

Take some time before you sign the lease or mortgage to discuss the topics explored in this section and establish your expectations. 

Conflict resolution when living together 

Even if you and your partner don’t currently have strong communication and conflict resolution skills, they can be learned. Working on these skills together can strengthen your relationship. Below are a few crucial components of healthy communication to implement.

Communicate your needs 

Assertiveness is often seen as a core communication skill. In general, an assertive communicator expresses themselves clearly and stands up for their own interests while remaining respectful of others. Assertive behavior may empower you, foster more honest relationships, and earn others’ respect. It does not always come naturally, but it can be learned through therapy, workshops, and self-reflection.

Assertiveness is only one style of communication, with aggressive communication and passive communication also being common. Aggressive communication can be seen as self-righteous bullying or ignoring the needs and opinions of others. 

On the other end of the spectrum is passive behavior, which tends to be notorious for accepting the influences of others and going along with them to avoid conflict. 

An offshoot of the passive style called passive-aggressive communication can lead a person to avoid conflict with their actions but show their displeasure with the situation through their attitude. This often involves indirect communication, and it may seem like passive-aggressive communicators expect others to “read their minds” or understand how they feel without them having to directly communicate it.

Both aggressive and passive communication styles can prevent individuals from finding a middle ground, and failing to communicate in an assertive manner may lead to an unhealthy relationship. 

Listen to your partner

Listening to and understanding your partner’s emotions can go a long way toward being heard yourself. When someone thinks they are not being heard, they tend to be far more likely to shut down and stop listening to the other side of things. 

A popular framework for understanding the other partner is called “Love Languages.” Developed by Gary Chapman nearly 30 years ago, this framework hypothesizes that we each have a love language or preferred way of receiving love, such as acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, or words of affirmation. 

While understanding your partner’s love language may not be helpful in the heat of an argument, knowing what feeds their soul can be helpful in knowing how to best approach them. By taking the time to “speak” to them using their love language, you may be able to avoid some conflicts.

Avoid escalation

If you must confront your partner about their behavior, there may be a few things to keep in mind to avoid escalating the situation. First, if you are worked up about something your partner did, it’s usually best not to bring it up when you are experiencing strong emotions. It can be difficult to communicate clearly and come to a solution if you are still feeling furious. 

Second, when you bring up the topic, try to avoid using accusatory language. You might attempt to avoid the word “you.” Let’s say that you couldn’t sleep last night because your partner came in at 2 A.M. and started watching TV at a high volume. Instead of saying, “You never consider my feelings,” or “You always blast the TV when I’m trying to sleep,” you might try, “I wanted to talk to you about the volume of the TV last night. I’m having some trouble sleeping, and I can’t work my best if I don’t sleep through the night. Can we talk about what we could do differently?”

Take a break from the discussion if necessary. If things start to become highly emotional, it may be beneficial to take a step back. If conflict devolves into accusations and defensiveness, you may not make progress toward a solution. Taking time to regroup is okay and may help both parties find clarity. 

Finally, try to avoid piling on. When you start to discuss one topic, you may be reminded of past conflicts or complaints, and it can be tempting to bring them up as well. This is generally not a helpful communication strategy and may lead your partner to stop listening and perceive that they are being attacked. 

Identify and address the root of the problem

If you find that a certain issue arises time and again in your relationship, you may want to explore the “why” behind it. This may be something unique to your current relationship, or it may be a factor that has been a challenge in all your past relationships. If this is the case, it’s possible it may have stemmed from childhood experiences and long-term cognitive and behavioral patterns. Engaging in this kind of self-reflection may not be easy to do on your own, but therapy can help. 

Therapy for learning conflict resolution skills

You may sense that your communication difficulties are too much to manage on your own and that you could benefit from help to de-escalate more contentious disagreements. Individual or couples therapy can be helpful. A licensed therapist can guide you toward a greater understanding of your own reactions during conflict and offer you tools to improve your conflict management skills. 

Online therapy may be a convenient and effective option if your schedule or other barriers make it challenging to see a therapist in person. Research suggests that online therapy can be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy, both for individuals and couples, and it can be more cost-effective, too. 

With online therapy platforms like BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed therapist and meet with them from the comfort of your own home or office at a time that suits your schedule. You may attend on your own or with your partner and choose between video conference, phone call, or online chat for each session.

Takeaway

Living together can be rewarding, but it isn’t always easy. Learning how to communicate assertively and solve conflict in a healthy way can help you manage the challenges that may arise with cohabitation. Individual or couples therapy may also help you learn to communicate your wants and needs to your partner more clearly, potentially leading to a healthier and happier relationship.