Should You Call Your Ex To Get Back Together?
Sometimes, an ex-relationship looks so good in the rearview mirror that you wish you hadn't ended it. You may find yourself thinking of your ex often. The good times you had together, the laughs and fun experiences. With rose-colored glasses, you may start to reflect on what it could have been with your ex. Even when you try to move on in a new relationship, maybe you continue struggling to not obsess about your ex.
These thoughts and feelings can be even more compounded if the new relationship comes to a close as well. If it was a good relationship, you might consider renewing it. But before you do, it is important to make sure you were safe, healthy, and happy in the relationship before, and that this desire ("Should I call my ex?") and rekindling an old flame won't burn you.
Calling your ex: Taking a real look at the past and your breakup
Deciding whether to call your ex-partner or even get back together with this person can mean starting with a clear and honest understanding of your previous relationship. This can help you to answer questions about why the relationship ended in the first place and whether or not it should be rekindled.
Look back
Try to think back to the time before the breakup but after the honeymoon period. Was your ex ever physically, verbally, or mentally abusive? Did you fight more than you laughed? Did they cheat or disappoint you or call you names? Cross boundaries or make you cry all the time?
If you think “I want to call my ex to get back together,” remember the breakup
Surprisingly, many people forget about physical abuse after time goes by. But there is a scientific explanation. The recalling of good memories but not recalling bad incidents is our brain's way of helping us process trauma and things that hurt us.
If your relationship was abusive or toxic in any way, then you probably don't want to call your ex. In fact, a no-call tactic is likely the best option. The "no-call" practice is one of the only ways to successfully heal from a relationship that was toxic and traumatizing.
Is codependency a factor?
Besides distorted thinking, another thing that often leads people back to their ex-lovers is codependency. Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on an ex-partner, typically one who requires support on account of illness or addiction. This condition makes for stressful and turbulent relationships.
It can be tempting to go back to being codependent
Once a relationship has been codependent, it can be very hard to recover your independence. Yet, it can seem comfortable and effortless to slip back into the familiar pattern you established in the relationship. It's tempting to relax into that pattern instead of facing the pain and making an effort to operate more healthfully on your own. The healthiest relationships tend to be between two independent people who try to collaborate rather than to be constantly reliant on each other.
Other factors to consider
In reflecting back on your relationship with your ex, you might also consider whether there was compatibility in your values, goals, and hopes for the future. For example, maybe one ex-partner envisioned having children one day and the other did not. It can be easy to forget about these kinds of differences, especially if you still care for the other person; however, it is important to make sure there is alignment in what each individual wants from a partnership.
Introspect and remember if your ex-partner met your needs
Also, you might reflect and call on memories to see whether your ex-partner was receptive to meeting your needs. Were you able to have open discussions about what allows each of you to feel loved and safe within the relationship? Was your ex-partner willing to put in the effort required to meet your needs? According to relationship expert John Gottman, each person having their core needs met is essential for a partnership to thrive. If your ex-partner was not attuned to your needs, or willing to make changes to better fulfill your needs, this could signal that returning to the relationship may not prove fulfilling in the long run.
Communication with loved ones is important
Talk to a neutral family member or friend and ask them to give you a summary of your relationship from their point of view. Then sit down and do your own review. Write out a condensed version of your relationship from start to finish as if you were writing it for someone who doesn't know you to read. By doing so, you'll see the bigger picture and can decide if moving forward with the phone call is even worth it.
So, will you call your ex?
Calling your ex means taking a big chance. Something about the way the two of you interacted didn't work in the past, so it might not work now. Perhaps things seemed good between the two of you until something unexpected or traumatic happened to one or both of you. Maybe you realize now that you left for a petty reason. If the relationship meets all the above qualifications, listen to what your intuition is telling you. Do you have a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right about it?
An online therapist can help you talk it through
Seeking the support of a licensed therapist may be beneficial to help you process past events as well as consider possibilities for the future. They can help you clarify what you ultimately desire from a relationship and navigate the emotions that accompany the thought, "Should I call my ex?". Through BetterHelp, you can connect with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. Consider taking this step today to talk with someone who can provide helpful insight and support in making this important decision.
Online therapy
You may worry about whether or not online therapy can work as well as traditional methods. Recent research suggests that not only is online therapy just as effective as in-person meetings, but it is also ultimately more reachable to those who may not otherwise have treatment options available at all, and can be more affordable for those who have financial concerns keeping them from seeking help.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
Should I call my ex to get back?
Whether or not you should call your ex to get back together depends on the specific circumstances of your breakup. It’s important to assess whether both you and your ex are open to reconciliation and have addressed the issues that led to the breakup.
How do I ask my ex to get back together?
If you decide to ask your ex to get back together, you should prioritize having an honest and open conversation. Express your feelings, discuss what went wrong in the relationship, and communicate your desire for a fresh start. Be prepared for their response, whether it’s positive or negative.
If they also want to get back together, it can be helpful to build attraction, rapport, and trust back up slowly. Additionally, be cautious not to use the relationship as a “backup plan,” and instead only return to it if you are genuinely invested in repairing it.
Is it OK to call your ex after a breakup?
It can be okay to call your ex after a breakup if you have valid reasons for doing so, such as discussing important matters related to shared assets, closure, or a genuine desire to work things out. However, be mindful of their boundaries and emotions. If they previously clearly asked for no contact, any such request should be respected and honored.
After you break up, it may be tempting to treat it like a long-distance relationship, calling them when you just want to hear their voice. However, consider avoiding this urge no matter how much you miss them. The idea behind a “no-contact” breakup is to give you both space for needed clarity, healing, and growth that might not happen otherwise.
What to say in communication to win your ex back?
To win your ex back, focus on open and honest communication. Express your feelings, acknowledge any mistakes made, discuss how you've grown or changed, and emphasize your commitment to a healthier relationship. However, remember that it’s ultimately their choice.
Before reaching out to them, consider longer periods of no-contact time. This time apart can be valuable to build self-worth, re-evaluate what you want, and consider if you’re interested in putting your time and energy elsewhere. In this period, you may even discover other potential partners you find attractive. Overall, experts recommend that time apart and working on yourself is the best bet for your mental health. Of course, if you still want to hear from them after this period, you may eventually want to reach out.
Should I call my ex if I miss him?
If you miss your ex, it’s natural to want to reach out, but consider whether it's in both of your best interests. Assess the reasons for the breakup and whether calling them will contribute positively to your well-being as well as theirs.
In general, it’s probably not a good idea to reach out to them, even if it feels good in the short term. You may get more value and benefit to your self-esteem by prioritizing self-care, making plans with friends, practicing mindfulness to focus on the present moment, or asking a family member for advice.
Should I call my ex for closure?
If you sense the need for closure after a breakup, contacting your ex to discuss your feelings and gain understanding can be a valid choice. However, be prepared for various responses, including the possibility that closure may not come from their side.
Some say that the key lies in approaching them gently, telling them why you called, respecting their boundaries, avoiding accusations or placing blame, and respecting their choice of whether to respond.
Is it better to call or text ex?
Whether to call or text your ex depends on your comfort level and the nature of your relationship. A phone call can be more personal, while a text message provides a written record. Choose the method that aligns with your intentions and the dynamics of your breakup.
For example, if you’re initiating contact to get more closure about the breakup, it might be better to text them first and ask if they’re willing to have a discussion. For some people, a discussion after the relationship ends can provide valuable insights into what happened and how to improve future relationships. However, if they’ve set boundaries because they need more space, or if they ask you to stop contacting them, you should neither call nor text them.
Is my ex still thinking about me?
Whether your ex is still thinking about you varies from person to person and depends on the circumstances of the breakup. It’s possible for your ex to miss you even if they haven’t contacted you.
To minimize unnecessary emotional turmoil, it’s a good idea to turn to your support system—including trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Most people agree that this is a better alternative than excessively speculating about what your ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or ex-partner might be thinking.
Can your ex miss you but not contact you?
Yes, your ex can miss you and choose not to contact you for various reasons, such as wanting space, respecting boundaries, or not being ready to revisit the relationship. Missing someone doesn’t always lead to contact. Their social media activity may provide valuable insights into any lingering feelings toward you or if they appear ready to start dating someone else.
To aid the breakup recovery process, try not to ruminate or dwell too much about your ex’s feelings. While you might think about them from time to time, focusing too much energy on them may make you feel worse, prolong your grief, or limit self-reflection.
Should I contact him if he broke up with me?
If he broke up with you, it’s essential to respect his decision and his need for space. It’s generally better to give him some time to process the breakup and consider what you want and need before reaching out, if at all.
It can be helpful to set boundaries for a breakup, such as a “no contact rule,” meaning no phone calls or texting for at least a few weeks to facilitate the healing process. In some cases, the ability to follow a no-contact rule may be limited due to child custody, professional reasons, or needing to retrieve personal belongings. But, when possible, it can reduce the risk of mixed signals or languishing over the past relationship, and it can provide more opportunities for self-improvement and personal growth.
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