Should You Call Your Ex To Get Back Together?

Sometimes, an ex-relationship looks so good in the rearview mirror that you wish you hadn't ended it. You may find yourself thinking of your ex often. The good times you had together, the laughs and fun experiences. With rose-colored glasses, you may start to reflect on what it could have been with your ex. Even when you try to move on in a new relationship, maybe you continue struggling to not obsess about your ex.

These thoughts and feelings can be even more compounded if the new relationship comes to a close as well. If it was a good relationship, you might consider renewing it. But before you do, it is important to make sure you were safe, healthy, and happy in the relationship before, and that this desire ("Should I call my ex?") and rekindling an old flame won't burn you.

Calling your ex: Taking a real look at the past and your breakup

Deciding whether to call your ex-partner or even get back together with this person can mean starting with a clear and honest understanding of your previous relationship. This can help you to answer questions about why the relationship ended in the first place and whether or not it should be rekindled.

Look back

Try to think back to the time before the breakup but after the honeymoon period. Was your ex ever physically, verbally, or mentally abusive? Did you fight more than you laughed? Did they cheat or disappoint you or call you names? Cross boundaries or make you cry all the time?

If you think “I want to call my ex to get back together,” remember the breakup

Surprisingly, many people forget about physical abuse after time goes by. But there is a scientific explanation. The recalling of good memories but not recalling bad incidents is our brain's way of helping us process trauma and things that hurt us.

If your relationship was abusive or toxic in any way, then you probably don't want to call your ex. In fact, a no-call tactic is likely the best option. The "no-call" practice is one of the only ways to successfully heal from a relationship that was toxic and traumatizing.

Is codependency a factor?

Besides distorted thinking, another thing that often leads people back to their ex-lovers is codependency. Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on an ex-partner, typically one who requires support on account of illness or addiction. This condition makes for stressful and turbulent relationships.

It can be tempting to go back to being codependent

Once a relationship has been codependent, it can be very hard to recover your independence. Yet, it can seem comfortable and effortless to slip back into the familiar pattern you established in the relationship. It's tempting to relax into that pattern instead of facing the pain and making an effort to operate more healthfully on your own. The healthiest relationships tend to be between two independent people who try to collaborate rather than to be constantly reliant on each other.

Other factors to consider

In reflecting back on your relationship with your ex, you might also consider whether there was compatibility in your values, goals, and hopes for the future. For example, maybe one ex-partner envisioned having children one day and the other did not. It can be easy to forget about these kinds of differences, especially if you still care for the other person; however, it is important to make sure there is alignment in what each individual wants from a partnership.

Introspect and remember if your ex-partner met your needs

Also, you might reflect and call on memories to see whether your ex-partner was receptive to meeting your needs. Were you able to have open discussions about what allows each of you to feel loved and safe within the relationship? Was your ex-partner willing to put in the effort required to meet your needs? According to relationship expert John Gottman, each person having their core needs met is essential for a partnership to thrive. If your ex-partner was not attuned to your needs, or willing to make changes to better fulfill your needs, this could signal that returning to the relationship may not prove fulfilling in the long run.

Communication with loved ones is important

Talk to a neutral family member or friend and ask them to give you a summary of your relationship from their point of view. Then sit down and do your own review. Write out a condensed version of your relationship from start to finish as if you were writing it for someone who doesn't know you to read. By doing so, you'll see the bigger picture and can decide if moving forward with the phone call is even worth it.

So, will you call your ex?

Calling your ex means taking a big chance. Something about the way the two of you interacted didn't work in the past, so it might not work now. Perhaps things seemed good between the two of you until something unexpected or traumatic happened to one or both of you. Maybe you realize now that you left for a petty reason. If the relationship meets all the above qualifications, listen to what your intuition is telling you. Do you have a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right about it?

An online therapist can help you talk it through

Seeking the support of a licensed therapist may be beneficial to help you process past events as well as consider possibilities for the future. They can help you clarify what you ultimately desire from a relationship and navigate the emotions that accompany the thought, "Should I call my ex?". Through BetterHelp, you can connect with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. Consider taking this step today to talk with someone who can provide helpful insight and support in making this important decision. 

Online therapy 

You may worry about whether or not online therapy can work as well as traditional methods. Recent research suggests that not only is online therapy just as effective as in-person meetings, but it is also ultimately more reachable to those who may not otherwise have treatment options available at all, and can be more affordable for those who have financial concerns keeping them from seeking help.