Social Anxiety, Guilt, And More: How Being Too Nice Can Impact Your Mental Health

Most people strive to be pleasant, thoughtful, and kind. In general, niceness is a sought-after trait that can help us form connections, provide support, and empathize with others. For some people, though, the desire to be nice interferes with other important behaviors, like boundary setting, self-care, and emotional expression. Being too nice can cause serious challenges in an individual’s life and relationships, and it’s often associated with underlying mental health concerns. Below, we’re discussing what it means to be over-accommodating in romantic relationships in particular, the effects of excessive agreeableness, and how to avoid being too nice. 

What does it mean to be too nice in relationships?

As psychologist Mark Travers describes it, excessive niceness in relationships involves “being overly accommodating.” According to Travers: “When we focus too much on being agreeable, we risk neglecting our own needs, suppressing our true feelings, or allowing others to take advantage of our kindness.” This tendency may contribute not only to unhealthy relationship dynamics but also to significant personal challenges. 

Social anxiety, feeling guilty, and more: possible causes of excessive niceness

A person may be overly agreeable for many reasons, including their upbringing, underlying mental health concerns, or feelings of guilt. The following are some common causes of excessive niceness. 

Early experiences

Individuals who were raised to always fulfill their caregivers’ expectations may become “people pleasers” later in life. As adults, they might constantly monitor others’ responses to ensure they aren’t causing disappointment. Additionally, children who are not encouraged to express their feelings or trust themselves may feel pressured to primarily exhibit responses that are pleasant and affable. This can be especially true for those socialized as girls.

Social anxiety disorder and/or impaired social skills

Many people experience a heightened fear or judgment or embarrassment in social situations that can cause them to feel uncomfortable when they assert themselves. Social anxiety disorder is when this fear reaches a clinical level, causing significant distress and interfering with daily functioning. This mental health condition is closely linked to avoidance behaviors, such as shying away from potentially upsetting interactions or conversations that might hurt other people’s feelings. 

Over time, people with social anxiety may struggle to develop skills like conflict resolution or emotional expression, which can be vital to healthy relationships. They may also struggle to delegate tasks, preferring instead to do things themselves. To make up for any deficits in social skills, they may default to excessive niceness.  

Feeling guilty about setting boundaries

Many people who are excessively nice are afraid of receiving a negative emotional response when they set boundaries. They may consistently act agreeable to avoid experiencing another person’s anger, sadness, or discomfort. 

A person might also worry that outlining their needs or expectations may be perceived as a selfish act. Others may be concerned that their boundaries are overreactions or unduly burdensome. All of these concerns can cause people to become too nice and to feel guilty when they set expectations regarding the behaviors of others. 

Signs of overly nice behavior

People who are too nice often want to maintain harmony in their relationships at all costs, which can cause them to avoid conflict, avoid expressing themselves, and tell people what they want to hear. The following are common signs of overly nice behavior:  

• Difficulty saying no
• Trouble expressing emotions
• Feelings of self-doubt
• Avoidance of conflict
• Resentment
• Trouble showing one’s authentic self
• Passive-aggression
• Low self-confidence
• Difficulty setting boundaries

The effects of being overly nice: issues with work-life balance and more 

Trouble setting boundaries and expressing oneself can make many aspects of life more difficult. Overly nice people may experience not only relationship challenges, but also an incomplete sense of self, work-life imbalance, and/or mental health concerns. 

Challenging relationship dynamics

Personal relationships can be difficult for people who overemphasize niceness. These individuals will often focus on others’ feelings to the exclusion of their own. In many cases, this can happen without the person or their partner being aware of it—particularly at first.  

People who struggle with overly nice behavior may consistently sacrifice their own needs to meet those of their partner(s). In the absence of healthy boundaries, they may also avoid responding when their partners engage in harmful behaviors. These imbalances in relationship dynamics can cause individuals who are too nice to become resentful over time and could even allow any harmful or toxic behaviors from their partner to go unchallenged. 

Unhealthy work-life balance

Overly nice people are often susceptible to coercion from bosses or coworkers who don’t respect their boundaries at work. Individuals who want to please others may end up feeling guilty saying no to extra projects or pushing back against unfair expectations. For example, a boss who knows that an employee is a people pleaser may frequently ask them to perform tasks that are outside of the scope of their job. 

When their boundaries are crossed in the workplace, people who are too nice can struggle in fostering work-life balance. They may work more hours than necessary or experience fatigue due to increasing expectations. It may be harder for people in this situation to enjoy life outside of work, potentially leading to burnout and stress. 

Trouble developing self-identity

People who are too nice may put too much emphasis on others’ perceptions of them. This desire for validation can keep them from focusing on their own opinions, values, and feelings, possibly leading to an underdeveloped sense of self. They may also struggle to express themselves and meet their own needs, which can keep them from self-actualizing.

Mental health concerns

Trouble asserting yourself may both come from and cause psychological challenges. As they focus on others’ needs, people who are excessively accommodating may struggle to care for themselves or identify concerns in their own lives. Trouble practicing self-care can contribute to mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety. 

Additionally, individuals with this tendency may avoid expressing their emotions for fear of receiving judgment or negative responses from others. Emotional suppression may exacerbate existing mental health concerns or create new challenges. 

How to avoid being too nice: assertiveness and other social skills

Practicing assertiveness, honesty, and other social skills may help you avoid or reduce the above-mentioned challenges of being too nice. The following are strategies for avoiding excessive niceness.  

Set and enforce boundaries

Establishing boundaries can help you avoid sacrificing your desires and needs—while still being a nice person. It’s important to remember that it’s not selfish to set reasonable boundaries. Delineating behaviors you will and will not accept can allow you to foster respectful and healthy relationships. 

When you set boundaries, ensure you’re being clear and direct. You might aim to be honest about the reasoning behind your expectations and ask the individual if they have any questions about the needs you're sharing. 

Look out for manipulative behavior

Individuals who struggle to enforce their boundaries may be vulnerable to manipulation. If you’re highly sensitive to the emotions of others, some people may weaponize feelings of guilt so that you’ll do what they want. Knowing how this type of manipulation can manifest may help you avoid being negatively affected if it occurs. Potential signs of manipulative behavior in relationships can include engaging in the silent treatment, ignoring or minimizing your concerns, making emotional appeals, or resorting to intimidation.  

Practice being assertive

It’s often possible for you to meet your own needs without hurting other people’s feelings. Being assertive means directly and politely communicating your emotions, desires, or concerns. 

Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned through practice, and there are several strategies that may help you be direct and honest during interactions in your romantic relationships and beyond. The following are tips for developing assertiveness: 

• Don’t forget about non-verbal communication. You might find it helpful to try and exude confidence through your body language. When talking to others—especially about boundaries—you might make steady eye contact and avoid a defensive posture. 
• Use “I” statements. It can help to try and frame your message in terms of your concerns or needs. An example could be: “I feel that taking on these extra projects isn’t fair, given the scope of my employment.”
• Emulate assertive people. Take cues from people who you feel communicate directly and honestly.  

How therapy can help

If you’d like support and guidance as you work to express yourself and set boundaries with others, consider participating in therapy. A therapist may help you with getting in touch with your authentic self, identifying your needs, and moving forward with communicating them more effectively.

Addressing the negative effects of being too nice with online therapy

Not everyone has therapy providers near them or can regularly travel to and from appointments. If you’d prefer a more convenient way to perceive mental health care, you might consider online therapy. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can address excessive niceness with a therapist remotely, through video call, voice call, or in-app messaging. Your therapist can also connect you with useful resources, such as at-home exercises geared toward assertiveness and direct communication.  

The efficacy of mental health care through online therapy

Research suggests that online therapy may help individuals address mental health challenges related to avoidance and difficulty with emotional expression. For example, in one study, researchers suggest that participants in an online therapy intervention developed increased assertiveness and experienced reductions in symptoms of social anxiety and depression. Additionally, the study indicates that, in this and many other cases, online therapy appears to produce “equivalent overall effects compared to face-to-face treatment.”