What Is Stonewalling And The Silent Treatment?

Do people know when they are stonewalling or giving silent treatment?

Stonewalling may be either intentional or unintentional. The difference between toxic stonewalling and emotional withdrawal due to overwhelm may have more to do with one's intent. When a person gives someone the silent treatment or uses stonewalling as a way to punish, control, and gain power over the stonewalled partner, friend, or relative, they may be engaging in toxic stonewalling.  However, there is a big difference between needing a break from an argument to regain calm to communicate effectively and intentionally stonewalling as a tactic to manipulate others.  

What type of person uses stonewalling?

Individuals stonewall for different reasons. For many people, the underlying cause for emotionally disengaging from an argument or situation can be a form of defense mechanism. An individual may be conflict-averse and want to create emotional distance when their fight-or-flight response gets activated. This may be the case when a person has depression, anxiety, has experienced past trauma, or has grown up in environments in which avoiding contact or engagement seemed safer. However, a person may also use stonewalling and silence to consciously hurt, punish, control, and exert power over someone. For example, a person with narcissistic personality disorder may use this behavior to manipulate others. However, regardless of whether stonewalling is done consciously or unconsciously, stonewalling tends to damage or ruin relationships when it becomes a pattern. 

How do people react to stonewalling?

Stonewalling tends to make a person experience frustration, confusion, disrespect, dismissal, anger, and/or hurt feelings. Some unhelpful ways to react to stonewalling include raising one's voice or yelling and adopting an aggressive stance, as these reactions can make the person shut down even more. More helpful strategies to counter stonewalling may be to practice active listening, using "I" statements to describe how they feel, and seek to remain calm. Offering other ways for the person to engage if they cannot answer questions or maintain eye contact may also be helpful. For example, you may ask the person to simply listen and stay in the room. However, one may also acknowledge when effective communication is impossible at the moment and seek to resume the conversation when both parties can interact. 

In a relationship, when stonewalling goes unaddressed and develops into a pattern, it can destroy a couple's ability to trust and communicate effectively, leading to isolation, resentment, and a lack of intimacy. Overcoming stonewalling often requires an intentional effort to stop stonewalling by creating a safe space to explore and express emotions. Seeing a mental health professional, such as a couples therapist, can also help couples develop strategies to communicate effectively to make a relationship work. 

Why do people use stonewalling?

People stonewall intentionally or unintentionally, often when they feel overwhelmed or unable to directly engage with a situation or conversation. Stonewalling can be a learned behavior stemming from one's upbringing, traumatic experiences, or a mental health condition. While everyone may shut down on occasion, some people deliberately use stonewalling to manipulate, control, or exert power over a situation. 

What do you say when someone is stonewalling you?

Engaging can be challenging or even impossible when someone seems totally unresponsive or dismissive. One way to counter stonewalling is to remain calm and ask if the person needs a break from the discussion. While doing such a thing may not resolve the issue, it can signal to the other person that you are aware they may need to self-soothe and relax before they can resume the conversation. If you are in a relationship, it can also be helpful to agree on a safe word that lets both partners know when one needs to take a break before discussing the matter.

What type of message does stonewalling send?

Stonewalling can take forms, including making sarcastic comments, belittling or mocking, answering in clipped sentences, walking out, picking up one's phone, or assuming a closed-off posture and avoiding eye contact. Generally, stonewalling communicates a sense of dismissal, rejection, or refusal to cooperate.

What is a Stonewaller personality?

When a person engages in stonewalling as a way to control, demean, manipulate, and exert power over someone, they may have narcissistic personality disorder. For example, a person with narcissistic traits may use the silent treatment to create a power dynamic in which they punish, shift blame, and protect their egos.

How long should stonewalling last?

When a person shuts down and experiences physiological arousal due to a sense of overwhelm, such as an increased heart rate and a fight-or-flight response, it can be helpful to pause before continuing the conversation or interaction. The Gottman Institute recommends that this break last at least 20 minutes to allow a person to self-soothe and calm down their physiological responses. When a person needs a break before they can resume the conversation, it's helpful to communicate this need respectfully. In a relationship, a couple may agree on a word, gesture, or other means to communicate that a break is needed.

How do you win stonewalling?

Stonewalling can be seen as a communication tactic or behavior in which a person disengages, withdrawals, or shuts down a conversation. While a person may not "win" stonewalling, they can  employ strategies to respond to it in a constructive way. For example, a person can seek to remain calm, employ active listening skills, use "I" statements rather than blame, and suggest a break before resuming the conversation if they sense that the person has shut down due to feeling overwhelmed.

Is stonewalling manipulative?

Stonewalling can be manipulative when it's consciously done to exert power and control over a situation. However, stonewalling can also be used when a person feels overwhelmed and unable to engage in a conversation.

Is stonewalling a red flag?

Stonewalling can be a red flag when it goes unaddressed or becomes a pattern of behavior. For example, if you often feel hopeless, demeaned, manipulated, or experience gaslighting, these can be signs of emotional abuse.

Should you ignore stonewalling?

Experiencing stonewalling over the long term can be damaging to one's self-esteem and seriously harm one's relationship. Depending on the situation and whether it's done intentionally, stonewalling can sometimes be considered a form of emotional abuse. If you are experiencing stonewalling, it's helpful to acknowledge the situation and seek ways to address it, such as through individual or couples counseling.

Is ignoring someone stonewalling?

Ignoring someone's attempt to have a conversation can be a form of stonewalling. By acting as if someone isn't there or giving them the silent treatment, a person may intentionally refuse to engage with or acknowledge the other person in an attempt to gain control of the situation. Often, this behavior escalates conflict and makes it more challenging to resolve it.

What are the dangers of stonewalling?

In relationships, when stonewalling continues over a period of time, this behavioral pattern can erode trust and connection, lead to feelings of isolation, and create a power imbalance. Stonewalling can also make it challenging to resolve conflict, which can cause resentment and increase tension, possibly resulting in a breakdown of communication. In extreme cases, stonewalling can contribute to mental health challenges and emotional distress, as well as become a form of emotional abuse when it's done intentionally to control and manipulate a partner.