Suspicion Or Sabotage? Signs She Is Sabotaging The Relationship

We all want to think the best of our other partners' intentions, and we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, many have felt that their significant other is trying to "sabotage" the relationship. Some might be hypervigilant due to trauma from past relationships, causing them to seek out or focus on these behavioral patterns.

Others might lack the relationship experience and awareness or sweep these relationship issues under the rug, choosing to tolerate the frequent fights and stress that can come with a self-sabotaging relationship.

This article aims to explore the signs she is sabotaging the relationship, tips for coping with these issues, and facing the decision to walk away from our partner if a healthy relationship is impossible. Additionally, we explore good communication as a key to working through the issues that plague a self-sabotaging relationship, and we discuss professional help options such as therapy.

What is relationship sabotage?

For many individuals, relationship sabotage is not done intentionally.

What does it look like to sabotage relationships?

Self-sabotaging behavior typically manifests as not communicating, holding grudges, refusing to commit, and inciting arguments. For example, just when things seem to be going well in your relationship, you might find your partner having a sudden shift in mood or starting trivial arguments. 

You might also notice your partner sabotaging other aspects of her life. Those inclined to sabotage relationships might also sabotage friendships or even their careers. Such sabotaging behavior may look like intentionally offending and insulting friends or starting an argument with a workplace superior and getting fired.

When looking for signs she might be sabotaging your relationship, it is important to be on the lookout for these types of behaviors. 

Why might women sabotage relationships?

There are a variety of reasons why women sabotage relationships. One study suggests that “the instinct to destroy our own relationships is rooted in the urge to defend ourselves against the possibility of actually being vulnerable with our partners.” This is often a result of trauma or abuse endured in past relationships. 

Though most humans have an instinctual desire to seek connection and intimacy with others, those who resort to self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships have often made an unconscious decision that safeguarding themselves from potential pain and trauma is more important than the relationship itself. While this does not excuse unhealthy sabotaging behavior, it can help to understand that the other partner might be putting up a guard to keep from getting hurt. 

However, this tends to create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the saboteur assumes her relationships will not last. When the relationship crumbles due to her behaviors, this only serves to reinforce her belief that she is unable to maintain relationships. 

Understanding self-sabotaging behavior

The types of partners with self-sabotaging behavior may often be highly defensive in arguments, seeming to fly off the handle at the first sign of conflict. They often have trust issues and might be overly suspicious of your behaviors without seeing their role in the relationship issues at all. They also tend to have a general lack of relationship skills that can extend to their friendships and workplace as well. 

Additionally, it can help to consider that your partner might be sabotaging her relationships unintentionally or due to an underlying mental health issue. Those who self-sabotage have low self-esteem, deep insecurities, unrealistic relationship standards, and other issues that seem to render them incapable of having a healthy relationship. 

For the mental well-being of you and your partner, open and honest communication is key. Professional help through therapy can be a great option to explore to try and work through these issues. 

Signs she is sabotaging the relationship

While we have explored some of the underlying reasons behind our partner’s self-sabotaging behaviors, we must also take a look at signs to spot them. 

Some signs of sabotage to be cognizant of in a relationship include:

• She holds grudges against you and never seems to let go of any past arguments or perceived slights.
• She is hypercritical of your every move. While some playful banter is normal in romantic relationships, your partner never seems to be joking. She might go for deep, personal digs against you.
• Her interest in physical intimacy fluctuates and wanes.
• She puts little effort into the relationship. You might find yourself remembering your anniversary when she forgets. Maybe she doesn't bother remembering your birthday or respecting your boundaries.
• She has unrealistic expectations for the relationship. However, this only extends to your behavior. She might blame all the relationship issues on you while failing to see her role in things. 
• She might frequently tell you to leave her or “find someone better.” This can reveal a great deal of insecurity and low self-esteem, both of which can ruin a healthy relationship if not properly addressed.
• She instigates random fights over little things, seemingly without reason. She might make statements that don't seem to make sense, instilling a sense of fear and leaving you questioning the reality of the situation.
• Even when she's clearly in the wrong, she refuses to acknowledge her mistakes, instead making it seem like you're always the person at fault. 
• Her reactions and feelings toward you fluctuate wildly; one moment, it's true love; the next, you're seemingly unimportant. This inconsistency can make you question the stability of your relationship.
• She often says things like "If you really loved me, you would know how I feel" or "You should have realized,” implying that you're not attuned to her needs, even when she doesn't communicate them clearly.

Coping with sabotaging behaviors

Now that we know some of the reasons behind relationship sabotage and the signs to be on the lookout for, what are some ways we can cope? Dealing with someone who seems dedicated to tanking the relationship can be exhausting. In cases like this, it’s helpful to acknowledge that the relationship issues must be addressed or the relationship must end. A self-sabotaging relationship can only heal if the saboteur partner recognizes their role in the relationship’s woes. 

Beginning this type of healing journey often requires difficult conversations through healthy, mature communication. This can often be supported through individual or couples therapy. By entertaining a safe, non-judgmental environment, either alone or with your partner, underlying issues can be addressed, and the concepts of trust, communication, commitment, and acceptance can be explored and fortified.

How therapy can help promote a healthy relationship

Sometimes, our partner might be stonewalling us or otherwise making communication difficult or impossible. While it can be hard to walk away when we want to focus on our partner’s positive qualities, if you find a relationship causing consistent stress and grief, you may decide to part ways. 

Recent research has found that solutions-based couples therapy can be effective in managing covert aggression and self-sabotaging behavior in relationships by providing individuals with a framework for reformatting their thoughts for better teamwork. This research found that attending therapy together can help couples improve communication over time, even with a short therapy schedule. In some cases, therapy may be able to help prevent more serious relationship issues before they happen.

For those facing challenges with a self-sabotaging partner who seems unwilling to communicate, the option of online therapy can be a potentially beneficial resource to explore. Connecting with a licensed professional through online therapy can provide a variety of options for both individual therapy and couples therapy. Therapy can provide you with potential relationship advice and insight to help you make a decision regarding your relationship.