Relationship Counseling: Couples Therapy Vs. Marriage Counseling

Medically reviewed by Arianna Williams, LPC, CCTP

Updated October 21, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

If you and your partner are facing challenges in your relationship with each other, you may feel the need for the advice or perspective of a third person. When there’s a conflict between two people, the input of someone who isn’t directly involved in the relationship can be helpful. It’s one reason that many couples of all genders and sexual orientations, including married couples, choose to seek guidance from a relationship counselor.

Mental health professionals trained as a clinical psychologist, licensed clinical social workers, or family therapists can offer advice and expertise to couples in all kinds of romantic relationships. In traditional therapy, couples meet with a therapist in person and discuss the issues they are dealing with. However, many therapy services now offer online relationship therapy services as well.

For long distance relationships or those in remote locations who don’t have a local therapist, online therapy can provide the same kind of help through phone calls and video, making it easy to find the services of a trained professional. A free consultation is often available either in person or online, so couples can find the right person they’ll be comfortable working with before committing to their process.

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Couples therapy for strengthening relationships

One common misconception about relationship issues therapy including couples therapy, is that this type of treatment is only for people with serious problems or mental health conditions. In reality, this is not necessarily true. Both individuals and couples go to therapy for all kinds of reasons, including general maintenance of a healthy relationship or general support for mental health. Additionally, many individuals and couples go to therapy regularly over time rather than only when facing serious challenges.

Common benefits of couples therapy and relationship counseling

Relationship therapy is designed to help individuals and couples with a variety of relationship issues, including how to resolve conflicts, stress management, communication coaching and more. Therapists use a variety of techniques such as psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness practices and other strategies to help partners build a stronger connection, improve their ability to deal with difficult feelings, and ultimately strengthen their relationship.

Strengthening bonds with relationship counseling to improve mental health

If a couple is considering getting married, premarital counseling has many benefits and can be a proactive measure to manage potential conflicts and build a strong foundation. For those already married, marriage therapy can be an invaluable tool for resolving conflicts and relationship problems, improving communication, and strengthening the relationship. When couples are dealing with a divorce, therapists can also help them navigate the process in a healthy way. They provide support and guidance to both parties involved, as well as how they may handle the situation with any children involved, addressing the broader family dynamics. They can also help you discover tools to enhance your relationship's strengths, such as healthy communication strategies or skills for handling conflict.

If you’re considering enlisting the help of a licensed therapist in regard to your relationship but are feeling hesitant, read on. Some people find it helpful to know more about what they can expect before trying something new, and therapy is no different. Let’s take a look at how relationship counseling can help a relationship, as well as what couples who have been to therapy say they’ve learned about how it works.

How to make the most out of relationship counseling and marriage counseling

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, over three-fourths of people who receive couple or family therapy report improvement in their relationship.

However, couples therapy usually requires the full buy-in and participation of all parties in order to have a positive effect. That means both members of the couple will typically need to enter the situation with an open mind. Honesty, openness, and a desire to work together on improving the relationship are often important elements of an effective therapeutic experience.

Couples might seek relationship therapy for a wide variety of reasons. Some may want help working through a difficult experience such as an act of infidelity, parenting challenges, or the loss of a loved one. Others might want general help in improving the quality of their relationship day to day. Some couples therapists also see business partners who want to learn how to best get along, communicate, and stay focused on their mutual goals in their professional endeavors. It’s important to be honest with the therapist you choose about what you feel you need help with and what your expectations are so they can best assist you.

Supporting mental health through relationship counseling

A trained couples therapist can provide useful, objective insights into your relationship. They can help you identify patterns in how you relate to each other through your interactions. They can also help you discover tools to improve or strengthen your dynamic, such as healthy communication strategies or skills for handling conflict. If you are at all interested in the potential benefits of therapy for your relationship, it’s worth meeting with a therapist, explaining your story, and seeing what they can offer.

We surveyed couples who attended therapy together for the first time to discover what they learned from their experience. With their helpful report, here are five themes that emerged when it comes to what couples learn from going to therapy together.

What you can learn in relationship counseling and couples counseling:

1. Couples counseling isn't about putting blame on anyone

When two people in a relationship are in conflict, they might experience tendencies toward blaming and victimization. Some people are interested in the input of a therapist because they hope to receive a judgment on who was right and who was wrong in a certain situation or conflict. This is not generally the purpose or aim of relationship counseling. Instead, most therapists focus on helping people improve trust, address trustissues with their spouse, and improve communication for the future.

2. Couples counseling often centers on improving communication

One study found that communication is “the most frequently reported conflict topic” for surveyed couples in the United States. Many couples who have attended relationship counseling have found this to be true. Even if they came in with a different idea of what their key challenge was, the core of that problem often ended up being rooted in communication—or rather, miscommunication.

A trained therapist can help couples learn healthy communication skills through techniques like the Gottman method. For example, couples might learn about honestly communicating their needs, listening more than speaking, asking open-ended questions, using mutually respectful time-outs, understanding the communication style of oneself and one’s partner, how to give feedback, and more. Many couples are surprised at how many of their problems can be improved when they enhance communication skills, which strengthens the couple's relationship.

3. The first few sessions of relationship counseling usually start with the basics

Some people expect couples therapy to be a quick cure-all—one or two sessions and their problems will be solved. In actuality, any type of therapy typically works best when committed over a longer term. Most people expect to dig into their deepest issues early on, but therapy typically starts with more general discussions. Instead, the first few sessions are usually primarily informational. They’re generally all about the therapist getting to know you, your partner, your life together, and your dynamic. Most counselors will start with simple couples therapy questions, giving both parties the opportunity to talk about themselves and their perspectives. It will take time before the three of you are in a place where you can understand or even access the largest or deepest issues at play in your relationship.

It’s also important to note that things may seem to escalate before improving when it comes to therapy. This can be because it often takes time to get to the problem’s root, and patients generally need to be able to see where and what the problems are before beginning to deploy strategies to mitigate or solve them. Awareness must typically come first. So if you find yourself feeling like things have gotten more difficult rather than getting better, know that this is often a sign of making progress.

4. Therapists may act as more active mediators than people expect in relationship counseling

According to one marriage counselor, “The traditional passive, ‘uh-huh, uh-huh’ approach is useless.” While listening is undoubtedly an important aspect of any therapist’s job, they may also choose to be more vocal and interactive with clients as needed. A therapist may guide couples to build a strong foundation by addressing conflicts and improving communication patterns. Therapists may take the lead in difficult conversations to ensure both partners feel heard. A therapist may listen attentively and ensure both parties hear each other in order to make progress.

5. Relationship counseling is about forming and implementing new and better patterns to support mental health

According to a research study, one of the main goals of couples counseling is to “alter the couple's view of the presenting problem to be more objective.” It’s typically about respectfully confronting your partner, listening to each other, and, in doing so, learning to see the relationship in a more objective manner. When two people have been in a relationship for some time, it can be easy to get locked into seeing your partner and relationship in one specific, subjective way. Therapy can help couples break free of these preconceived judgments, allowing them to see things as they really are—which is what can allow the two to implement lasting, positive changes together.

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Takeaway

With the rise ofonline relationship counseling, couples can access professional guidance from the comfort of their homes. Whether you’re looking for individual therapy or couples therapy, there are plenty of professionals available to you online. Since studies suggest that virtual counseling offers similar benefits to the in-person variety, you don't need to wait to seek help for problems that may have been avoided in the first place with relationship counseling. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with an online therapist soon after completing a questionnaire about your needs and preferences to improve your lives. Once matched, you can get the help you need from a licensed, professional counselor. Whether you want to work on your personal goals or improve your relationship, online therapy can help.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

What does relationship counseling do for your mental health and communication?

Relationship therapy, uses empirically-supported techniques to help people improve their relationships. Relationship counseling is an umbrella term that encompasses family therapy and couples therapy. The field also contributes significantly to the mediation techniques that might be used to resolve conflicts between business partners or other professional settings.

In any form, relationship counseling aims to relieve distress, improve communication, and find solutions to problems, ultimately fostering a satisfying relationship. It is rarely, if ever, focused on assigning blame or figuring out who is “wrong.” However, there can sometimes be a clear indication of who is the primary client and who is there in a supportive capacity, such as when a family seeks therapy to help a family member with a substance use disorder.

Can counseling help a broken relationship?

Couples counseling has been shown to effectively improve 70% to 80% of romantic relationships. It isn’t perfect, and every concern may not be addressed in relationship counseling sessions, but the communication and problem-solving skills introduced in relationship counseling often help a couple continue making positive changes beyond relationship counseling. Many couples follow up with their therapist with a helpful report of positive interactions months or years after relationship ends.

Evidence suggests that couples counseling is most effective if relationship counseling is started early when relationship problems are still relatively small. Relationship counselor Terri Ammirati compares relationship problems to a house fire. Almost everybody would take steps to put out a small fire or call the fire department the second they notice it; they don’t wait for the fire to get out of control before taking action.

Couples counseling is also more likely effective when both partners are on the same page. Couples therapy takes time and effort; both partners must be willing to work to improve the relationship. If one partner has already decided to break up, and the other is desperate to save the relationship, counseling is less likely to be helpful.

Is relationship counseling worth it for couples considering therapy?

Relationship therapy relies on evidence-based techniques to help couples and families improve communication, increase empathy, and solve relationship problems. While it won’t work for everybody, the evidence suggests that 70% to 80% of the people who start couples counseling see improvement when therapy ends.

What should I not say in marriage therapy or relationship counseling?

There is very little you shouldn’t say in couples counseling. Openness, honesty, and transparency are essential for the process, and a therapist can help you find ways to express feelings and offer feedback. While it is important to be open and honest, your point of view and feelings should always be communicated respectfully. For example, if discussing issues related to your daughter, it's important to express your concerns without blame or judgment. The therapist can help you and your partner learn good communication techniques. If there is one thing you shouldn’t do in couples counseling, it’s likely saying mean or contemptuous things about the relationship. You should still voice your concerns, but without hate, contempt, or excessive anger.

When should couples go to counseling?

Experts suggest attending couples therapy as soon as problems are noticed in the relationship. Small issues are much simpler to address than serious problems, and partners are often in a much better place to do meaningful work before resentment builds. A therapist will take a detailed history of your relationship and interactions, and a long list of complaints and concerns is likely more challenging to work through than a few minor concerns. Even if problems are barely relevant, a therapist can help identify potential future problems, like separate interests or disagreement about which parts of the relationship matter most.

Can a therapist tell you to leave your partner?

A therapist will rarely, if ever, directly tell you to leave your partner in couples counseling. However, they may help you or your partner decide whether you want to stay in the relationship. They may initiate a process called discernment counseling, which is a tool designed to help couples determine if they want to break up (or divorce if married). At the end of discernment counseling, partners decide whether to maintain the status quo (continue their relationship as it was before seeing a therapist), continue couples therapy, or end the relationship. If they decide to separate, the therapist may help them decide how to address custody of children or talk through how to keep the breakup civil.

Is it okay to cry in counseling? How does relationship counseling support emotional expression?

Crying in relationship counseling is acceptable and often welcome. Tears may provide a healthier way to express difficult emotions compared to less healthy behavior that comes from anger, contempt, or withdrawal. You don’t need to remain emotionally stoic in relationship counseling. In fact, doing so may make it harder to be honest and open, which is an essential part of therapy. If you’re worried about excessive crying or finding it hard to control your sadness, you can always leave the session and go to your safe place for a few minutes to help you find calm.

What are red flags in a therapist?

Therapy requires fostering a strong therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the people they are trying to help. You should find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable, supported, and heard. It’s important to note that even if a therapist shows no signs of red flags, you still might not mesh well with them; individual differences may mean that you and a certain therapist don’t “click,” which is why searing for a good fit is essential for the therapeutic experience.

However, sometimes therapists don’t follow best practices or adhere to the highest standards. Here are a few red flags that indicate your therapist may not be doing their best to create a therapeutic alliance:

Invalidating your experiences or otherwise proving that your concerns are valid.
Lacking training in a specific specialty area, like trying to treat traumatic exposure without the requisite additional training.
Talking about themselves and not focusing on your concerns.
Pushing you to make a choice you’re not comfortable with.
Chronic tardiness or excessive cancellations.
Crossing a boundary or otherwise making you feel uncomfortable.

What are the five principles of counseling in relationship counseling?

The five principles of relationship counseling likely refer to the ethical imperatives that a counselor must follow to practice ethically. They are summarized below:

Benefience. A counselor should work to provide maximum benefit to the client.
Non-maleficence. Counselors do not exploit their clients or take any deliberate action to cause them harm.
Fidelity. Counselors respect clients' individual beliefs while maintaining fidelity to professional obligations when treating clients.
Autonomy. Counselors promote independence and self-efficacy in clients rather than encouraging dependence on the counselor or mental health system.
Justice. Counselors provide fair and equal treatment to all clients, regardless of their individual characteristics or life circumstances.

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