The Best Way To End A Relationship When You're Ready To

Research shows that breakups are highly common, and they’re rarely easy. One study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that, among unmarried adults under the age of 35, 36.5% of participants had experienced at least one breakup in the previous 20 months. 

Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, breakups can bring up complicated feelings on both sides.

In this article, we’ll explore how you can do this, from clarifying your reasons to having “the talk” with your partner. 

Reflecting on your motivations

Questions to help you end it in the best way

• Do my partner and I value and respect each other?
• Are my partner and I able to resolve arguments constructively?
• Do my partner and I have more positive interactions than negative ones?
• Do my partner and I have similar values and life goals?
• Does my partner meet my emotional needs?
• Are my partner and I each doing our part to make things work?
• Are there conflicts that we haven’t resolved? 
• Is this relationship contributing to my life in a positive way?
• Have I been staying in this relationship because I wanted to or because I felt obligated?
• Do I feel safe around my partner? 

It may be important to remember that breaking up can be a very personal decision, so there may not be a “right” or “wrong” motivation. You might try to be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want. Listening to your intuition can be especially helpful for this. 

The importance of compassion and respect in breakups

It can sometimes be easy to overlook key aspects of respect when you’ve decided you’re ready to break up with your partner, especially if this is something you’ve been approaching for a while. However, approaching the conversation with respect may help ensure a clean break. Keep the other person’s feelings in mind when approaching this issue, and talking about the breakup in person can be important. Disregarding your partner’s feelings may also have negative effects, including the following:

• Making it harder for you or your partner to move on
• Making your partner feel resentful or bitter, can make future logistics harder
• Damaging your partner’s self-esteem
• Making it harder to stay friends if that’s something you’re interested in

Having the conversation

Pick the right setting

It may help to consider a time and place where you’re not likely to be interrupted. Also, you might want to give yourself and your partner enough time to talk things over. While you might be tempted to have the conversation over text, it may be more respectful to do it in person if you can. Most people want to be able to discuss or explain an important thing like a break up in person.

Don’t point fingers

Respect the other person’s feelings. It often helps to avoid blaming your partner for the breakup or throwing accusations around. Instead, you might practice using “I” statements. For example, you might say, “I don’t feel supported in our relationship,” rather than, “You never give me the support I need.” Even if a specific event triggered the breakup, it may be best to avoid hashing it out in too much detail and instead prioritize communicating your general feelings and motivations. Respecting the other person’s feelings can be the most important thing for healthy communication.

Approach carefully

Prepare for unexpected emotions

Breakups can be emotional, so it may help to anticipate a strong reaction. Your partner might be upset, confused, or even relieved when you break the news to them. Regardless of their reaction, you can validate their feelings and listen actively if they choose to discuss their thoughts. You might try to put yourself in their shoes and avoid using insults or raising your voice, no matter how they react. You may also need to create distance if your partner reacts in a harmful or unhealthy way. 

Maintain your boundaries

Get support with a breakup

Breakups can stir up challenging emotions, even if you’re the person initiating a breakup. You might notice feelings of depression, fear, or uncertainty about the future. You may even experience grief, which can occur after breakups in the same way it can occur after the loss of a loved one. Getting support from a therapist may help you process your feelings and move through the stages of grief in a healthy way. 

Online therapy is being studied for its potential effects on managing grief, which some people may experience after a breakup. In a 2021 review and meta-analysis, researchers analyzed the results of seven studies of internet-based grief treatments. They found that online therapy may be an effective treatment for symptoms of grief in adults.