The Best Way To End A Relationship When You're Ready To Breakup

Research shows that breakups are highly common, and they’re rarely easy. One study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that, among unmarried adults under the age of 35, 36.5% of participants had experienced at least one breakup in the previous 20 months. 

Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, breakups can bring up complicated feelings on both sides.

In this article, we’ll explore how you can do this, from clarifying your reasons to having “the talk” with your partner.

Reflecting on your motivations before initiating a breakup

Relationships end more often than not, and you may even be the one to decide to break up. However, this does not mean that you won’t feel bad when it happens. In order to approach a breakup with respect, it may be important to get clarity on your reasons for wanting to end the relationship. Sometimes, there are clear challenges, such as frequent arguments, conflicting life goals, or major events like an affair.

Questions to help figure out the best way to end a relationship

Other times, you may just have a gut feeling that the relationship isn’t working anymore or wonder if the relationship dynamic is “normal.” Either way, thinking through your reasons ahead of time may make the breakup conversation easier. To do this, you might try reflecting on the following questions:

• Do my partner and I value and respect each other?

• Are my partner and I able to resolve arguments constructively?

• Do my partner and I have more positive interactions than negative ones?

• Do my partner and I have similar values and life goals?

• Does my partner meet my emotional needs?

• Are my partner and I each doing our part to make things work?

• Are there conflicts that we haven’t resolved? 

• Is this relationship contributing to my life in a positive way?

• Have I been staying in this relationship because I wanted to or because I felt obligated?

• Do I feel safe around my partner? 

It may be important to remember that breaking up can be a very personal decision, so there may not be a “right” or “wrong” motivation. You might try to be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want. Listening to your intuition can be especially helpful for this. 

The importance of honesty, compassion, and respect in breakups

It can sometimes be easy to overlook key aspects of respect when you’ve decided you’re ready to break up with your partner, especially if this is something you’ve been approaching for a while. However, approaching the conversation with respect may help ensure a clean break. Keep the other person’s feelings in mind when approaching this issue, and talking about the breakup in person can be important. Disregarding your partner’s feelings may also have negative effects, including the following:

• Making it harder for you or your partner to move on

• Creating greater opportunity for your partner feel resentful or bitter, can make future logistics harder

• Damaging your partner’s self-esteem

• Making it harder to stay friends if that’s something you’re interested in

What is the best way to end a relationship and start moving on

Ending a relationship on a sour note may also contribute to negative mental health effects, such as depression, guilt, anxiety, and stress. These mental health challenges, in turn, may also contribute to physical effects like chronic pain and high blood pressure. 

Having the communication

While there may not be a completely pain-free way to break up with someone, there may be ways that you can avoid generating more hurt feelings and regret than necessary. Some tips for doing this include: 

Pick the right setting & do it the right way 

It may help to consider a time and place where you’re not likely to be interrupted. Also, you might want to give yourself and your partner enough time to talk things over. While you might be tempted to have the conversation over text, it may be more respectful to do it in person if you can. Most people want to be able to discuss or explain an important thing like a break up in person.

Don’t point fingers 

Respect the other person’s feelings. It often helps to avoid blaming your partner for the breakup or throwing accusations around. Instead, you might practice using “I” statements. For example, you might say, “I don’t feel supported in our relationship,” rather than, “You never give me the support I need.” Even if a specific event triggered the breakup, it may be best to avoid hashing it out in too much detail and instead prioritize communicating your general feelings and motivations. Respecting the other person’s feelings can be the most important thing for healthy communication.

Approach the conversation right & carefully

If you’re interested in staying friends with your ex-partner, it may help to exercise caution. To avoid emotional entanglements, you might want to take some time away from your ex while your feelings settle before exploring a friendship. If your partner doesn’t want to stay friends, you can respect their boundaries while considering that their decision doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong. They might simply be processing their feelings and finding the best way forward possible.  They may be feeling bad or sad about the relationship but may eventually agree to be your friend after they’ve had time to focus on themselves. 

Prepare for unexpected emotions during and after the breakup

Breakups can be emotional, so it may help to anticipate a strong reaction. Your partner might be upset, confused, or even relieved when you break the news to them. Regardless of their reaction, you can validate their feelings and listen actively if they choose to discuss their thoughts. You might try to put yourself in their shoes and avoid using insults or raising your voice, no matter how they react. You may also need to create distance if your partner reacts in a harmful or unhealthy way. 

Maintain your boundaries to defend your mental health

If you tell your partner you want to break up, they may try to convince you to stay in the relationship. If breaking up is what you want, it can be important to stick to your decision. While it may be tempting to give the relationship another try, you may risk having to break up again later, which may negatively affect both you and your partner. If your partner asks you to give them another chance, remember your reasons for choosing to end the relationship. 

Get support for your mental health following the end of a relationship

Breakups can stir up challenging emotions, even if you’re the person initiating a breakup. You might notice depression, fear, or uncertainty about the future. You may even experience grief, which can occur after breakups in the same way it can occur after the loss of a loved one. Getting support from a therapist may help you process your thoughts and feelings and move through the stages of grief in a healthy way. 

If you’re grieving a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, you may notice symptoms like exhaustion, sadness, and low energy. If these emotions make it hard to leave the house for traditional in-person therapy, you might consider online therapy.

Online therapy as support for heartbreak emotions

With online therapy, you can typically connect with a therapist from home in a way that’s most comfortable to you, whether via voice calls, videoconferencing, or live chat. With BetterHelp, you can also contact your therapist 24/7 in between sessions, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can. This may be helpful if you want to send them questions or thoughts about your relationship.

Online therapy is being studied for its potential effects on managing grief, which some people may experience after a breakup. In a 2021 review and meta-analysis, researchers analyzed the results of seven studies of internet-based grief treatments. They found that online therapy may be an effective treatment for symptoms of grief in adults.