Why Discuss Values In A Relationship?

A couple’s core values can be thought of as the guiding principles that build a strong foundation for communication, conflict resolution, and decision-making. Values matter in relationships and discussing values can contribute to a healthy and lasting relationship.

At the start of a new relationship, it can be easy to become swept away in feelings of excitement, attraction, and fondness for your new partner. However, the initial feelings that often accompany dating or falling in love might not last forever and likely aren't a substantial enough foundation to sustain the well-being of a long-term relationship.

To last long-term, romantic partners must have more in common beyond initial attraction, which will likely fade over time. 

Similar values may help relationships last

In a study of couples that have been married for 40 or more years, many named similar values as one of the keys to their relationship success. Some of their other responses may be thought of as examples of those similar values, such as commitment, altruism, good and honest communication, compromise, and love. 

For example, there are obvious ways in which commitment and good communication can benefit a relationship, but these values must be present in both partners. If only one partner cherishes commitment and good communication but the other does not, the relationship might not have as good of a chance at lasting, because the person who doesn't share these attributes will be less likely to communicate openly or stick with the relationship during hard times.

Why discuss varying beliefs in a partnership

Spending quality time to discuss similar and different beliefs can help a couple determine if they have compatible core values, which can help clarify whether or not a happy, long-term relationship is feasible. 

Why is having similar values in a relationship important?

In certain realms, a lack of similar core beliefs are less important. If both partners have mutual respect for each other's differing beliefs, they can still build a strong connection. For example, each partner may have a different idea of what types of fun activities they enjoy. One person may highly value fitness and spend their free time in the gym, while their partner may highly value nature and spend much of their free time bird watching. As long as each partner recognizes each other’s core values, doesn't judge them negatively, and feels confident spending time apart, a successful relationship could still be possible.

When discussing core beliefs, it’s important to remain open to what your partner believes and listen without judgement. Open-mindedness allows us to learn about different perspectives and different opinions regarding different situations in life. It can also help us maintain respect for others in and out of relationships. 

Values like honesty and trust may impact relationship satisfaction

A person's unique set of values will impact how they evaluate the romantic relationship they're in and, as a result, how happy they are in any given relationship. For example, attitudes toward saving money and making financial decisions can have a big impact on a relationship. Relationship experts have pointed out that a person's financial history may impact how much they value dividing expenses in a relationship. A person who is wealthy might not value dividing living expenses with a romantic partner because it might not alter their financial situation or feel like it provides benefit. But for someone who is struggling or has struggled financially, dividing living expenses in a relationship could be immensely valuable and bring feelings of safety and stability. 

Similarly, a person who values helping others and receiving help may be happier in a relationship in which they are given the opportunity to give and receive help. A person who is more independent and doesn't highly value helping others or receiving help might not feel that having a helpful partner is particularly beneficial to them, because it doesn't fulfill one of their values.

The impact of culture and family on values in a relationship

Culture can also impact what brings a person happiness in a relationship. In some cultures, whether or not family members like and approve of a person's partner holds immense importance. A person living within a culture like this might feel much happier when in a relationship with someone their family likes and welcomes without reservation. Conversely, someone who comes from a culture that prioritizes independence more than family approval might not feel like it matters much whether or not their family likes their relationship partner.

Values can be linked to better relationship quality

An overview of multiple studies found that certain personal values are linked to better relationships, regardless of if these values are similar or not. Specifically, these values related to higher quality romantic relationships, and are called "self-transcendence values”. Self-transcendence values involve doing things to benefit others. For example, being tolerant, caring, and dependable are all self-transcendence values.

People who have self-transcendence values are more likely to focus on their partner's needs in a relationship, which could be part of why they have better relationship satisfaction. They may also be more forgiving of their partners and more likely to make sacrifices for the relationship, whereas people who value having power tend to be less willing to support or sacrifice things for a romantic partner.

Identifying your core values

Before you can talk to a romantic partner about your personal values in order to determine if you have similar core principles and beliefs, you must first identify what your own principles are. Both personal principles and relationship principles are important to identify, as they can impact how you act in a relationship and how you want to be treated. Try these tips for identifying your core values:

Read articles about values

There are many peer-reviewed articles about personal values, as well as less formal online articles and blog posts. Learning more about research on values and what principles other people hold and why may help you identify your own.

Take a values survey

There are a multitude of free surveys online related to values. Some have scientific merit, while others were created for fun. One questionnaire used worldwide for years, called the World Values Survey questionnaire, is available online for download as a PDF.

Use a values card deck

A few decks of values cards exist, which allow you a hands-on way to sift through commonly held values and determine which feel most important to you. For example, The Live Your Values Deck contains 73 cards that list core values and descriptions, along with instructions for identifying and ranking your top ten values.

When to consider counseling for relationship values

If you are trying to identify your personal or relationship core principles, or trying to figure out if you have the same core values as your romantic partner, counseling might help. Counseling offers a safe space in which you can talk openly about your thoughts and feelings without judgment as you figure out what values you want to guide your life and relationship. You can also speak with a counselor about any concerns or worries you might have about the future of your romantic relationship.

Online therapy