Embracing Self-love: Letting Go Of A Toxic Relationship

Saying goodbye to a romantic relationship, especially to a toxic relationship, can be like finally setting down a heavy weight you’ve been carrying for far too long. It’s often a decisive moment of self-love and a declaration that you deserve better. While the idea of leaving a relationship that’s hurting you might seem scary, it’s often a crucial step toward healing and rediscovering your sense of self.

Toxic people can cloud your life with negativity, making it hard to see your own worth and to breathe freely. Breaking free from this toxicity is not necessarily just about ending a relationship; it can also be about beginning a journey of self-love and empowerment. A therapist can be your guide as you move through this process, and you can connect with a licensed professional in person or online.

Potential signs of a toxic relationship

Toxicity can take many forms in romantic relationships, and recognizing the signs can be vital. While each partnership tends to be unique, there can be some common patterns that signal an unhealthy dynamic. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Here are some toxic, red flags to look out for: 

Psychological abuse

This type of abuse can be challenging to spot as it often happens gradually. As your reality becomes increasingly distorted, you may start doubting your own feelings and beliefs. The abuse may range from gaslighting, manipulation, and guilt-tripping to controlling behavior.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse can still be a prevalent form of violence in harmful relationships, and research shows that as many as one in four women and one in 10 men experience intimate partner violence (IPV). IPV can take many forms, including physical assault, sexual abuse, and rape. If you’re being physically abused, please seek help immediately.

Often a type of psychological abuse, emotional abuse can be hard to pinpoint as the signs are not always obvious. If your partner calls you names, assigns blame, publicly humiliates you, and constantly criticizes you, you might be dealing with emotional abuse. It can also be more subtle, such as withholding affection or giving you the silent treatment.

In a toxic relationship, communication is often unhealthy. Unhealthy communication could manifest as yelling, talking over each other, stonewalling (i.e., refusing to address issues), or constantly putting each other down. Poor communication can create an atmosphere of fear and anxiety, making it difficult to express your thoughts and feelings freely.

Lack of respect

Respect is generally the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When you’re in a toxic relationship, it may seem like your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries, opinions, or needs. A lack of respect can also show up as a vying for control or a lack of empathy.

A toxic partner might conceal their abusive behavior, ensuring that only you witness their harmful actions. For that reason, if you notice a red flag in your relationship, it can be essential to take it seriously and acknowledge that something isn’t right. It can be challenging to admit that a relationship you thought was loving and healthy is actually toxic, but becoming aware of the signs can be the first step toward change.

Attachment styles and their potential effects

Sometimes, our attachment styles can also play a role in the relationships we attract. Our attachment style can be defined as the way we emotionally bond and attach to others, often shaped by our childhood experiences. For example, if you had parents or family members who inconsistently showed you affection or emotional support, you may have developed an avoidant attachment style, potentially leading you to face challenges with intimacy and commitment in your adult relationships.

On the other hand, if you had loved ones who were overprotective or intrusive, you may have developed an anxious attachment style, possibly making it difficult for you to trust and feel stable in new relationships. These attachment styles can heavily influence the dynamics of any new relationship, including a toxic one. 

Psychological studies have shown that individuals with insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment, tend to be more likely to stay in toxic relationships. This phenomenon is sometimes called the “trauma bond,” where an individual becomes emotionally attached to their abuser, causing them to stay in a harmful relationship due to feelings of fear, guilt, or misplaced loyalty.

Benefits of letting go of a toxic relationship

Standing up to toxic behaviors in a relationship

Here are some ways to become aware of the signs and acknowledge the need for change:

• Educating yourself: Learning about toxic relationships, attachment styles, and healthy communication patterns can help you recognize the signs more easily. It also allows you to better understand your relationship dynamics and how they may affect you.
• Trusting your instincts: If something feels off in your relationship, trust your gut. Often, we may ignore our instincts because we’re afraid of losing the relationship or being alone, but our intuition is often right.
• Acknowledging your feelings: Allowing yourself to feel and process your emotions can be crucial in recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship. Often, we may justify or rationalize our partner’s behavior, but acknowledging how their actions make us feel can help us see the red flags more clearly.

When we realize that a relationship is unhealthy, it can be challenging to let go. We may fear being alone or feel guilty for leaving our partner. However, staying in a toxic relationship may only lead to prolonged emotional pain and harm. It can take courage to acknowledge the signs and make steps toward change, but it can be essential for well-being and growth.

Letting go of the relationship

Once you decide to take a break from a relationship, loneliness and fear may start to surface. Dealing with a range of emotions — even when you know the relationship was unhealthy — can be a normal part of healing.

The first step in managing these emotions may be recognizing that they are valid. It’s OK to feel relieved, sad, or uncertain about what the future holds. It’s OK to want to fast-forward past this uncomfortable process, but acknowledging and accepting your feelings can help you manage them in a healthy way at your own pace. 

Not all feelings may be related to the relationship itself. For example, you might spend time grieving the loss of what you thought the relationship would be or reflect on past relationship patterns. Separating these feelings from the current situation can help you focus on healing and moving forward.

Here are some strategies for managing emotions after letting go of a toxic relationship:

Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being can be crucial during this time. Try to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, spending time outdoors, or practicing mindfulness.

Friends can be an excellent source of support during a breakup. Reach out to a trusted friend and confide in them about how you’re feeling. They can provide a listening ear, offer advice, or simply distract you from negative thoughts.

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process them in a healthier way. It can also allow you to look back at your expressive writing and reflect on your growth and progress.

If you find it challenging to let go of unhealthy relationships, seeking professional help can act as an additional support system. A therapist or support group can help you navigate your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Recovering from a toxic relationship often takes time and energy. It’s important to remind yourself that it’s OK not to feel better immediately, and it’s OK if things feel worse before they start to feel better. While you can’t rush the healing process, you can take steps toward a happier and healthier future.

Ending an unhealthy relationship is not a failure. It can be a courageous decision to prioritize your well-being. With time and self-care, you can move on from the toxicity and create healthy relationships in your life.  

Your journey toward self-love and letting go 

Leaving a toxic relationship is often the first step toward self-discovery and empowerment. It frequently takes courage to recognize the signs of toxicity and make the decision to leave, but it can also be a powerful act of self-love.A common effect of being in a toxic or abusive relationship can be a decrease in self-esteem. Constant criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting can all contribute to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. Leaving a toxic relationship may allow you to focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence.The importance of self-esteem cannot be overstated. Research has shown that individuals with high self-esteem are often happier, have better social relationships, experience higher overall life satisfaction, and even experience physical benefits such as a strengthened immune system. Building self-esteem following a toxic relationship may take time, but with self-care and self-compassion, it can be possible.

Here are some tips for rebuilding your self-esteem after leaving a toxic relationship:

You can replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations and reminders of your worth and strengths. By consistently telling yourself positive statements, you may start to believe them and boost your self-esteem.

Setting boundaries in future relationships

Boundaries can be essential in any relationship, but they may become even more crucial after leaving a toxic one. Setting and enforcing boundaries can show that you value and respect yourself, which can improve your self-image.

Focusing on personal growth

Your journey toward self-love and empowerment can be a continuous process. Focusing on your personal growth and celebrating small victories can help you stay motivated and boost your self-esteem.

Leaving a toxic relationship may also allow for the opportunity to cultivate healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic, in the future. Take time to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship, and don’t be afraid to communicate those boundaries and expectations.

Therapists can help

Additionally, seeking support from mental health professionals during this time can be a valuable resource. A therapist can help you work through any lingering emotional trauma and develop healthier relationship patterns. Therapists are typically trained to help individuals heal and grow from past experiences, even those as harmful as a toxic relationship.

Online therapy

Online therapy, also known as teletherapy or telehealth, generally involves receiving mental health treatment through video calls, phone calls, or in-app messaging platforms. This form of therapy can offer numerous benefits, including convenience and availability. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe leaving your home, online therapy can provide a safe and personal space to address your emotions.

Research has also shown that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective in treating the emotional effects of toxic relationships, and it tends to be just as effective when administered online as it is in person.