Taking A Break In A Relationship: Mental Health Impacts

Even healthy relationships take work. Sometimes, you or your partner may believe you need a break. While you may not be ready to end the relationship, deciding to take a temporary break can empower you to clear your head or focus on personal growth. In these situations, a relationship break might sound like a good idea. However, there may be some important factors to consider before agreeing to a temporary separation. 

Taking a break in a relationship can be a bit of an ambiguous gray area, which is why it can be so important to make sure you and your partner are both aware of what taking a break means, as well as the pros and cons of taking one. To take a healthy break in a romantic relationship, both partners may need to agree on what that means and how long the break should last. To further navigate this situation or other relationship challenges with the help of a licensed mental health professional, consider scheduling an online or in-person therapy session.

When taking a relationship break in a relationship can work in your favor

Every couple tends to be different. Breaks may work to keep the relationship healthy for some couples but not for others. Generally, a cycle of repeatedly taking a break and getting back together may be a sign of a bigger problem in the relationship. A healthy relationship will typically not follow this pattern. That said, there are some times when taking a break can be beneficial, allowing enough space for one partner or both individuals to gain perspective. Here are some of the situations in which taking a break may be the right choice.

Taking a break (breather) if you need time to focus on your own needs outside of the relationship

A break can be helpful if you or your partner needs time to work on personal matters. For example, if you are considering a major life change or have gone through something that significantly impacts your life, a break may allow you to process and work through it. 

For instance, if you’re considering taking a big promotion that involves moving out of state or if you recently lost a close friend or family member and are trying to work through your grief, you might request a break. A break doesn’t necessarily mean you need time away from your partner; it can mean you just need some time to yourself to work on personal issues challenges.

Spending time apart in these situations can help you determine where you want your life to go and whether you want to remain in your relationship. A break may give you time to determine what you want for your future. Working with a therapist during this time can help you figure out what you want and gain clarity about your relationship.

Taking a breather (break) in your relationship if you are fighting a lot

If it seems like you’re fighting all the time and can’t resolve certain issues, it may be a positive step to take a break to give both yourself and your partner some space. Relationships can get stuck in cyclical and destructive behaviors. Sometimes, stepping away can interrupt these dynamics and offer clarity. 

In this case, spending time apart may reset your relationship dynamic, giving you and your partner some space to calm down, think things through, and come back to approach the problems at hand with clearer minds. In these cases, taking a break may ultimately result in a permanent breakup if the relationship seems like it cannot improve. 

Taking a break if you have no other choice

Sometimes, taking a break may be something life demands from you due to circumstances. If you and your partner are going to be physically separated for an extended period due to work, family, or travel commitments, you may have to decide whether you want to take a break or commit to a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships can work for some people, but they can be challenging and don’t always work for everyone. Sometimes, a break can be a viable choice. Other times, you may decide to end the relationship altogether. 

How to take a relationship break without ending the relationship in general

Taking a break is not necessarily the same as a breakup. While a breakup usually indicates the end of a relationship, a break typically comes with the intent to reconcile after spending time apart to evaluate relationship challenges and personal needs. It can be important to set ground rules to avoid ambiguity and make sure you and your partner are on the same page and know what to expect before moving forward with a potentially relationship-deciding break. Here are some factors you may want to discuss before starting your separation.

Setting "taking a break" ground rules and expectations to ensure you're on the same  page

When taking space in a relationship, it can be important to establish rules and expectations. If you and your partner are considering a break, here are some factors to consider regarding ground rules. 

• Be realistic about your expectations.
• Use clear communication and have an honest conversation about what you want and need from the break.
• Set rules and clear boundaries to minimize the damage to your relationship and yourself.
• Determine how much contact you will have with one another over the break and establish clear expectations for what will happen during and after the break.
• Determine clear boundaries for the types of behavior that are and are not acceptable during the break.

Set a time limit for the break

The length of your break will usually depend on your relationship and the reason for the break. Make sure you give yourself enough time to adjust to being on your own and to focus on your needs. Determining ahead of time how long the break should last can help both partners know when it is appropriate to reach out again and how long they have to themselves. When the break ends, you can discuss with your partner if you want to continue the relationship, if you want to extend the break, or what relationship work you may need to complete moving forward in order for the relationship to be healthy. 

Set rules about whether you can see other people during the break

Does being on a break mean you’re single? You and your partner will generally need to set some ground rules about whether you are free to see other people and the boundaries you should respect. Can you date and/or have sex with other people during this time? 

If you’ve already decided and know you want to end the relationship, be honest with your partner. In this case, taking a break may only prolong the inevitable, and it can be unfair to your partner to let them think that the relationship may still have a chance. If you don’t need to spend time making a decision, it can be best to be honest with your partner. 

Use the time to figure out what you want

In most cases, the purpose of a break is to work through your feelings and determine whether you want to continue the relationship. A break in and of itself may not fix anything, but it can be a time to reflect on whether you want to put the time and effort into working things out with your partner. Pay attention to how you feel and what you think while apart to help you determine the next steps.

Make a  decision and communicate it to your partner 

When the time limit is up, meet with your partner and discuss the next steps. Talk with your partner about how you feel and what you have learned during your time apart. You may both be excited to get back together, or you may have decided that the relationship has run its course. Sometimes, you may want to continue the relationship but recognize that you and your partner have some serious things to work through, such as better communication, in which case talking to a relationship counselor or couples therapist can be beneficial.

A break in your relationship? Pros and cons of taking relationship breaks 

There is currently a limited amount of scientific research on relationship breaks, but one 2019 study looked at the effects of marriage separation and determined that there can be several pros and cons. 

The benefits distance may bring include the following:

• It can take pressure off the relationship.
• It can serve as an impetus for change.
• Independence can make daily life easier.
• You may come to realizations about yourself and your relationship that you otherwise wouldn’t have.
• Time to yourself can provide valuable insights and a renewed sense of self.
• Increased free time can allow for intentional self-improvement and personal growth.

Below are a few potential downsides of taking space:

• In general, you do not have clarity about where the relationship stands and live in a gray area until a decision is made. 
• It may seem as if your life is on hold.
• There may be confusion about how you are to interact with one another. 
• Terms of the separation may be difficult to work out without there being a clear outcome.
• Relationships with friends and family can get complicated.
• Time apart can lead to loneliness and emotional distance.
• You may need to navigate hurt feelings while separated from your partner.
• You’ll likely need to have difficult conversations once the break is over, regardless of whether you decide to stay together.
• It can be challenging to avoid misunderstandings if you do not establish clear boundaries prior to the break. 

How long should a relationship break last?

The ideal length of a relationship break can vary based on factors related to the relationship, the reason for taking a break, and the couple’s goals for the break. It’s typically recommended for a break to last between one week and three months. Partners generally need to discuss the amount of time they wish to spend apart and come to an agreement together. After the break has concluded, couples can move to a new stage of their relationship together–whether that means staying together and resolving their difficulties or deciding to part ways permanently.

What makes a break healthy versus harmful

In general, a healthy break is one that respects both individuals’ boundaries and follows the guidelines the couple established together. Maintaining respect for each other’s feelings can be key to navigating a break in a healthy way. For example, if a couple has decided that they will not explore other romantic interests during their break, but one person decides to do so anyway, that could make the break harmful rather than healthy. A proper break usually requires a couple to clarify their expectations and the actions that are and are not appropriate during their time apart.

Using a break for self-reflection and soul-searching

A break from your relationship can serve as an opportunity to explore your individual identity and discover who you are outside of your commitment to your partner. Practicing self-compassion and engaging in self-care practices can be crucial during this time, as it’s likely you’ll experience a variety of challenging emotions. 

Self-reflection and soul-searching exercises, such as journaling, meditating, trying new things, and taking long walks, may lead to new discoveries. You might also consider speaking with a therapist if you’re having trouble fully understanding your thoughts and feelings.

Deciding what comes next

Once your relationship break has concluded, it’s generally time to come together and re-evaluate the relationship’s future. It may be that both people realize they have a shared understanding of whether they’d like to move forward as a couple, or each person may have a different idea about the next steps they’d prefer. In this case, it can take time to reach a mutual understanding. 

If there are challenges in the relationship that seem insurmountable, couples may choose to work with a couples therapist or end the relationship altogether. On the other hand, some couples may find that the break helped them realize how much they value their relationship and that their previous frustrations can easily be managed.

Talk to a therapist for support in taking a relationship break

Romantic relationships can be complicated and difficult to navigate on your own. Whether you decide to work on your own mental health journey during your break or you and your partner need help navigating relationship challenges, talking to a therapist can be beneficial. Professional help is available to all couples, whether they are in a long-term relationship or have only been dating for a short amount of time. 

If talking to someone in person seems intimidating, or if you’re looking for a different way to approach treatment, consider online therapy. This treatment option allows you to attend individual therapy or couples therapy sessions from anywhere with an internet connection and increased scheduling flexibility. An online platform like BetterHelp can make it easy to connect with a licensed professional you can trust from a place where you feel comfortable.

Research shows that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person treatment. One 2020 study reported that couples in online treatment usually found the experience beneficial and believed that the online video format enhanced their therapeutic alliance.