Understanding Stockholm Syndrome In A Relationship: Signs And Treatments

To an outside observer, it may be difficult to understand why a person in a dangerous situation might empathize with or take the side of the person who is causing them harm, such as the abuser in a relationship. Stockholm syndrome is one theory that attempts to explain why this can happen. Here, we’ll explore what this term means, where it comes from, and tips for the next steps if you are experiencing abuse in a relationship.

What is Stockholm syndrome?

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response or coping mechanism that some people may have to hostage situations, kidnappings, and other dangerous situations characterized by an extreme power imbalance. It describes the development of empathetic feelings in the target, often causing them to bond or “side with” their captor or abuser. The term “Stockholm syndrome” was coined after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, in which four people were held hostage for several days. After being released, the hostages refused to testify against the bank robbers, whom they had come to trust more than the police. 

The Psychology of Stockholm Syndrome: Which Abuse Victims Form These Attachments

Today, “Stockholm syndrome” is often used to describe a person who is in an abusive relationship but has not left and/or who may even show empathy, love, and/or support for their abuser in some way. Factors that may play into how Stockholm syndrome in a relationship can develop include:

• Being held hostage or abused for a long time
• Being shown some level of empathy by the abuser
• Being physically close to the abuser
• Being isolated from loved ones

There’s also been criticism of the original theory and the classification of Stockholm syndrome as a syndrome at all, particularly in relation to gender roles. A 2023 paper on the topic suggests using the term “appeasement” for this situation instead “to describe how survivors may appear emotionally connected with their perpetrators to effectively adapt to life-threatening situations by calming the perpetrator.”

Potential effects of Stockholm syndrome 

One primary effect of the behaviors commonly ascribed to Stockholm syndrome is trouble leaving a relationship or situation that’s proven dangerous, often due to negative feelings and a perceived inability to escape abusive situations. Over time, Stockholm syndrome may also result in effects such as:

• Low self-esteem
• Isolation from friends and family
• Trouble trusting people in future relationships
• Difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress-related health effects like high blood pressure or chronic pain 

In addition to these, Stockholm syndrome may also be linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), complex PTSD, or other disorders related to an instance or ongoing instances of trauma.

Recognizing Stockholm syndrome in a relationship

The effects described in the theory of Stockholm syndrome, such as an unhealthy attachment to the abuser and emotional support for abusive partners, can be complex and may not always be easy to spot, especially if the situation has been ongoing for some time. Furthermore, because this response is most commonly associated with kidnappings and hostage situations, people may not be aware that similar effects may manifest in abusive relationships, too. 

Understanding signs of the emotional effects commonly associated with Stockholm syndrome may make it easier to identify it in yourself or others. That way, you or your loved one can seek out the support you may need. Potential signs may include:

• Emotional attachment to the abuser
• Defending the abuser or making justifications for their behavior
• Lacking a support network—for example, being cut off from friends and family
• Feelings of guilt, shame, or low self-worth
• Cognitive dissonance, in which abuse victims have conflicting feelings toward the abuser
• A sense of “owing” the abuser for not being more abusive
• Resistance to seeking or receiving help
• Positive feelings towards the abuser, despite the clear presence of abuse
• Misinterpreting abuse for mutual respect or understanding
• Denying that there is abuse happening in the relationship

Recognizing Stockholm Syndrome in a Relationship: Identifying Signs and Seeking Treatments

In the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, the phenomenon of trauma bonding can emerge, creating a misplaced sense of loyalty and bond between abuse victims and their abusers. Trauma bonding is characterized by a cyclical pattern of abuse and periods of kindness, which may confuse victims and cause them to develop feelings of sympathy or mutual understanding toward their abuser. Recognizing and managing these patterns early is key to preventing Stockholm syndrome from taking root.

Recognizing Stockholm Syndrome in a Relationship: Understanding the Power Imbalance

It’s also worth noting that not all abusive relationships involve physical abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse can be damaging in different ways, so it’s worth becoming familiar with warning signs of these as well.

Responding to signs of Stockholm syndrome in an abusive relationship

Seeking immediate support if you’re in an abusive relationship is generally always recommended. However, if you’re feeling empathy toward your abuser or are experiencing any of the other signs of Stockholm syndrome or appeasement as outlined above, it may feel more difficult to take action. The following tips might help you engage in positive steps toward defending your own well-being and mental health in such cases.

Acknowledge what's happening

If you notice signs of Stockholm syndrome, recognizing that you’re in a potentially abusive situation can be an important first step. It can help to remind yourself of a few truths: that you’re not at fault for what’s happening, that the abusive behavior you’re experiencing is not acceptable, that you deserve safety and care in your relationships, and that it’s okay to prioritize that. Making this mental shift is often the key to moving forward. That said, it’s also the part that’s usually most difficult for those showing signs of Stockholm syndrome or appeasement, so working with a therapist may be necessary in order to get there; more on this below.

Focus on safety

Again, your emotional and physical safety are top priorities. If you’re in danger in your relationship, making a safety plan is usually paramount. To do so, you might consider reaching out to local resources in your area or contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more guidance. Find additional resources on our Get Help Now page.

Connect with social support

Social isolation is a hallmark of abuse, and it can contribute to and/or worsen feelings associated with Stockholm syndrome. That’s why connecting with a trusted support network can be so important. Friends, family, neighbors, community members, and other support groups can help you gain a more realistic view of the situation, prepare or execute a safety plan, and offer emotional and even material support along the way.

Take care of yourself

It can be natural for many victims to feel conflicted, distressed, or emotionally exhausted, especially as they develop Stockholm syndrome and experience a deep abuse victims’ bond. That’s why it can be helpful to engage in self-care as much as possible during this time, whatever that may look like for you. Eating enough, avoiding coping with substances like drugs and alcohol, and getting enough rest are a few examples. Engaging in gentleness and self-compassion can also be vital in moving through this time with minimal additional harm.

Finding support for Stockholm syndrome in therapy

If you’re experiencing Stockholm syndrome, it can be difficult to see the situation from a different perspective and take meaningful action toward safeguarding yourself. That’s why meeting with a therapist can be helpful. They can offer a safe, compassionate, non-judgmental space in which you can express your emotions and get personalized support for your mental health. 

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A trained therapist can help you assess whatever relationship challenges you may be facing, big or small, and support you in prioritizing your well-being. Again, if you're in danger, it’s recommended that you reach out to one of the resources listed above for more immediate assistance than therapy can typically provide.

There are many reasons a person may be seeking therapy but might not be able to or comfortable with attending in-person therapy. In such cases, online therapy can represent a viable alternative. Through a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist in a matter of days, and you can meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from anywhere you have a stable internet connection. 

Studies indicate that online therapy may be as effective as in-person therapy when it comes to treating trauma-related symptoms as well as a host of other concerns. In one review of 373 scientific papers on the topic, for example, researchers suggest that internet-based therapy can be effective in treating symptoms of anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic disorder, and more.