Learning How To Identify, Manage, And Overcome Unhealthy Attachment Styles
Throughout our lives, we form relationships with the people we interact with regularly. Attachment refers to the emotional bonds we form with others, which can heavily influence our relationships. Infants naturally develop strong attachments to their caregivers, and how those caregivers respond to an infant’s needs can have long-lasting impacts on the relationships children form for the rest of their lives.
Emotional attachment refers to the bonds we form with others throughout our lives. They are a basic human need and a source of love, connection, and intimacy, and present in intimate relationships of any form, whether platonic, familial, or romantic.
As humans, we tend to rely on those with whom we form an emotional attachment and count on them to help us meet our needs. We may also feel a strong desire to ensure the needs of our loved ones are met. These are natural and generally necessary for functional, healthy relationships.
Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that develop in childhood and influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives. Unhealthy styles are characterized by insecurity, anxiety, and difficulty forming trusting relationships, while healthy styles result in being comfortable with emotional intimacy and able to form trusting and supportive relationships with others.
Attachment styles can heavily influence self-worth and interpersonal trust. Attachment theory proposes that we have an evolutionary need to form close emotional bonds with others, and that the first bonds we form—with our primary caregivers as infants—may affect our emotional development and stability. A person’s childhood attachments can affect their friendships, familial relationships, and romantic relationships throughout their life.
A variety of styles, both healthy and unhealthy, have been identified by relationship experts. Unhealthy styles formed in childhood may lead to unhealthy and dysfunctional adult relationships. However, attachment therapy—either online or in-person—can be helpful for understanding how you may form bonds with others and redirect you toward a healthier attachment style.
How are attachment styles formed?
The way caregivers respond to an infant’s physical and emotional needs may establish childhood attachment patterns. These patterns may inform a person’s attachment style as an adult.
Unhealthy attachments tend to form when an individual experiences inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive care during infancy and early childhood. For example, a child whose parents provide inconsistent emotional support may develop an anxious style, which may cause them to need constant reassurance in romantic relationships. Healthy attachments, on the other hand, are typically the result of consistent, responsive, and nurturing care early in life and often lead to more stable relationships later in life.
Attachment patterns in children
Four attachment patterns have been identified in children. The patterns displayed by children may influence their adult attachment style.
- Secure: Children whose physical and emotional needs are consistently met tend to develop secure attachments. They feel comfortable exploring their environment and interacting with strangers when their caregiver is present.
- Anxious-ambivalent: Anxious attachment may result if a caregiver is inconsistently available or responds inappropriately to a child's emotional needs, leading the child to feel uncertain about the caregiver's availability and response. A child may appear clingy and anxious and often become distressed when separated from their caregiver, but then act ambivalent when the caregiver returns.
- Anxious-avoidant: Avoidant attachment patterns can develop when a caregiver consistently rejects or ignores the child's emotional needs, leading the child to develop a strategy of self-reliance and emotional detachment to cope. They may avoid or ignore their caregiver and become emotionally distant.
- Disorganized: A disorganized attachment pattern can develop when a caregiver's behavior is erratic, abusive, or frightening, leading the child to develop conflicting and disorganized ways of coping with their environment and relationships.
Adult attachment theories and styles
A person’s attachment style may influence how they form and maintain connections with friends, family, coworkers, and even everyday acquaintances. Research indicates the existence of several adult attachment styles:
Dismissive-avoidant
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a type of unhealthy, insecure attachment pattern in which individuals tend to avoid emotional intimacy and may appear emotionally detached in relationships. This style often develops when caregivers are dismissive of a child's emotional needs, leading the child to learn to rely on themselves and avoid seeking support or closeness from others. Adults with this style may have difficulties forming and maintaining healthy relationships due to their tendency to avoid emotional intimacy and prioritize independence. They may struggle with expressing their emotions and may appear self-sufficient and emotionally distant to their partners.
This rigid self-sufficiency may stem from viewing others as untrustworthy or undependable. A person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may compartmentalize love and sex within a romantic relationship, making it challenging to maintain sexual intimacy.
Fearful-avoidant
If a person doesn’t have their physical and emotional needs met consistently during childhood, they may develop a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Many people with this style experienced harsh criticism, fear, or even abuse and neglect as children. A fearful attachment style is often categorized by a negative view of self and others, which may mean people with this style doubt the possibility of others helping, loving, and supporting them.
A fearful attachment style could lead to a desire for relationships later in life, but a simultaneous fear of those relationships as emotional intimacy develops. A person with a fearful attachment style may struggle to fully trust their romantic partner and may have difficulty opening up emotionally, leading to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. They may also tend to push their partner away or engage in self-sabotaging behaviors as a way of avoiding the potential emotional pain that may arise from growing too close to someone.
Therapy and self-reflection can help individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style to develop more secure attachment patterns and improve their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.
Anxious-preoccupied
If a child receives inconsistent care from their primary caregiver and is unsure whether their needs will be met, they may develop an anxious-preoccupied attachment style as an adult. This is a form of unhealthy, insecure attachment that is characterized by a strong desire for closeness and intimacy in relationships, combined with a fear of rejection and abandonment.
Individuals with this style tend to worry about their relationships and may become overly preoccupied with their partner's thoughts and actions, often seeking constant reassurance and validation. An anxious attachment style can lead to clingy and needy behavior, jealousy, and a tendency to overanalyze and overthink the relationship.
Secure
A secure attachment style is a healthy and adaptive pattern in which individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to form close, healthy relationships. Warm, responsive care as a child typically results in a secure style. People with this style develop a positive view of themselves and others, making them more likely to trust and depend upon others while providing that same support and love to the important people in their lives.
Adults with secure attachment styles appear to have an enhanced capacity to manage intrusive emotions in an effective manner. Secure relationships tend to be characterized by trust, mutual respect, effective communication, and a sense of emotional safety.
A secure attachment style does not guarantee healthy relationships. However, a person with this style may be more open to seeking help when experiencing relationship problems, or better able to recognize unhealthy relationships. They also tend to be accountable for their mistakes and shortcomings in relationships.
Unhealthy emotional attachment styles vs. attachment disorders
A person with an unhealthy attachment style may display unhealthy relationship patterns or have difficulties maintaining relationships. Adult attachment issues related to insecure styles are not uncommon, though they are not an official diagnosis. An insecure or unhealthy style should not be confused with an attachment disorder.
Attachment disorders are diagnosable conditions found only in children. These disorders can arise when a child experiences significant disruptions in their early relationships, resulting in difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.
Reactive attachment disorder
When a child is abused or neglected in early childhood, they may develop reactive attachment disorder (RAD). Children with RAD may experience extreme attachment anxiety and demonstrate abnormal social behavior, such as seeking comfort from adults other than their caregivers or refusing to seek comfort from anyone.
Common symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder include:
- Withdrawn or emotionally detached behavior
- Failure to initiate or respond to social interactions
- Limited emotional expression
- Lack of interest in comfort from caregivers
- Destructive or aggressive behavior
- Distaste for physical contact
Disinhibited social engagement disorder
If a child experiences insufficient caregiving early in life due to neglect or lack of opportunity to form an attachment, they may develop disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED). Children with DSED may wander from caregivers, show a willingness to leave with strangers, or display overly familiar behaviors such as seeking physical contact like hugs from unfamiliar adults. Symptoms of DSED include:
- Overly trusting and friendly behavior towards unfamiliar adults
- A lack of fear of strangers
- Willingness to leave with unfamiliar adults
- Attention-seeking behavior
- Impulsivity or poor impulse control
Overcoming unhealthy attachment styles
Unhealthy attachment styles may lead to difficulties in adult relationships. People with unhealthy attachments may benefit from seeking help from a mental health professional. Through talk therapy, a mental health professional can help an individual understand how a difficult childhood or past trauma may be affecting their current relationships. A therapist may also provide guidance and support for developing more secure relationships.
A person's attachment style is not set in stone, and with intentional effort, it’s possible to form more secure emotional bonds. This shift typically involves a period of self-reflection in which a person develops a deeper understanding of specific needs and emotions. This enhanced self-awareness may empower individuals to address their own needs and the needs of their partners.
In therapy, a licensed therapist may guide an examination of past and current relationships to recognize any unhealthy relationship patterns. Many therapists use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help individuals change the way they think about their relationships with others to adjust their behaviors and enjoy more stable, fulfilling relationships.
Research shows online therapy can be as effective as in-person treatment
If you struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships, you may benefit from treatment with a licensed therapist. Online therapy providers like BetterHelp offer convenient appointments via phone, video call, or online chat. Online therapy may be preferable in cases where in-person treatment is inaccessible or inconvenient.
Recent research shows that online CBT treatments can be as effective as in-person treatments for various mental health conditions. Remote therapy offers the ability to send your therapist a message or schedule a phone or video appointment whenever you experience challenges in a relationship. Online therapy has also been shown to be more cost-effective, to have lower drop-out rates, and to promote stronger relationships between clients and therapists.
Takeaway
Unhealthy attachment styles may be common, but they can be overcome with the help of a qualified therapist. Working with a licensed therapist may make it easier to develop a secure attachment style and build healthy relationships with the people in your life. Developing a secure attachment style may promote healthier relationships and foster a stronger sense of self-worth, allowing individuals to connect more deeply with others.
How do I overcome an unhealthy attachment style?
The first step to overcoming an unhealthy attachment style is to learn about it. Do a little reading up on attachment theory. Research the different attachment styles, their unique characteristics, and what science has to say about how they're caused. Once you've learned a little about the attachment styles and how they resonate (or don't resonate) with you, there are some practical steps you can take to develop healthier, more balanced attachments in your relationships:
Cultivate self-awareness
Developing greater self-awareness often takes time and practice. Try mindfulness exercises like deep breathing, meditation, journaling, or talking to a counselor. Once you've learned to notice the emotions and thought patterns associated with relationships, you can more easily identify the behaviors that follow.
Work on emotional regulation
Becoming aware of your emotions and what activates them can help you learn to control them in a productive way. Learn how to cope with overwhelming emotions in the moment. This will allow you to reframe harmful thought patterns and break the cycle of unhealthy attachment.
Communicate openly and honestly
Regulating your emotions can also create opportunities for honest, respectful communication. Let your partner know your concerns and your needs, and learn to listen actively to theirs. Effective communication is often a two-way street in which both partners show empathy and understanding for each other's experience. Through healthy communication, you can resolve conflicts healthily and build emotional connections.
Establish trust
Trust is integral to secure relationships. This not only requires complete honesty but also reliability. Be consistent, keep your promises, and follow through on your commitments. It might take time, especially if you and your partner must repair your trust in one another. Take small steps every day to show them you're supportive and dependable.
Learn to live with vulnerability
Making yourself emotionally available can seem daunting, especially if you have a history of hurtful relationships. However, emotional honesty is part of a healthy relationship. Voice your feelings and allow your partner to do the same without criticism or judgment. This helps to build emotional connection and understanding between you.
Set healthy boundaries
Developing healthy boundaries is also necessary for secure attachments. Communicate your needs, expectations, and limits assertively but with care. Healthy boundaries can help you establish autonomy in your relationship, as well as mutual respect and security.
What is the most toxic attachment style?
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), and disorganized (fearful/avoidant). Research suggests the "toxicity" of an attachment style in a relationship typically depends on several factors, including the interplay between the orientations of both partners. However, the disorganized style is commonly labeled as the most difficult to manage. People with this type of attachment style tend to exhibit a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, which can lead to highly unpredictable and unstable behaviors in relationships. Here are examples of disorganized attachment characteristics:
People with disorganized attachment styles may have a fear of intimacy and abandonment—they crave closeness but push people away out of fear.
People with disorganized attachment might display inconsistent behaviors, alternating between clinginess and detachment.
People with disorganized attachment might have difficulty trusting others, leading to self-sabotaging or chaotic behaviors in the relationship.
People with disorganized attachment styles are more likely to have unresolved childhood trauma, leading to dysfunctional behaviors in adult relationships.
This attachment style can result in particularly intense and tumultuous relationships, where emotional highs and lows are extreme, leading to a more toxic dynamic if not addressed. However, it's important to remember that attachment styles are not inherently fixed, and people can work on healing and improving their relationship patterns.
What causes an insecure attachment style?
According to attachment theory, attachment styles emerge from early interactions between a child and their caregiver(s), shaping how the individual will relate to others later in life. The same applies to anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachments (all classified as insecure). Here are some common childhood factors that might cause an individual to develop insecure attachments:
Inconsistent caregiving
When a caregiver's behavior changes unpredictably between emotional availability and detachment, children might develop an anxious attachment style and fear abandonment or uncertainty about whether their needs will be met. When caregivers are consistently emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to the child's needs, they might develop avoidant attachment, learning to suppress their need for connection.
Neglect and abuse
When caregivers are abusive, neglectful, or hostile, children might develop disorganized attachments marked by confusion, fear, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. These children might crave but also fear closeness. This dynamic can lead to chaotic or dysfunctional relationship patterns.
Caregiver mental health issues
Conditions like depression, anxiety, or substance use disorder may present challenges in providing stable emotional support for a child. Caregivers struggling with such disorders might not have the ability to provide consistent attention, love, or protection—leading to insecurity in the child's attachment.
Trauma
Significant early trauma such as the loss of a parent, domestic violence, or other highly distressing situations can disrupt secure attachment. This disruption might make it harder for children to develop trust and rely on others for support.
Caregiver overinvolvement or intrusiveness
In some cases, caregivers may be overly involved or controlling. This can lead to an anxious-preoccupied attachment style where the child becomes excessively dependent on others for validation and security.
Cultural or environmental stressors
Factors such as poverty, instability in the home, frequent moves, or exposure to violence can create a stressful environment, which may contribute to the development of insecure attachment.
Can you heal from insecure attachment?
Yes, it is possible to heal from an insecure attachment style and move toward a more secure way of relating to others. Attachment-based therapies can help individuals explore the root causes of their attachment style and develop healthier patterns. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you recognize and challenge negative thought patterns and behaviors associated with insecure attachment. Trauma therapies like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) can be effective for people who have experienced significant trauma in early relationships, resulting in insecure attachments.
How can I tell if I have an unhealthy attachment to a person?
Recognizing if you have an unhealthy attachment to someone can be challenging, especially if you're emotionally involved. However, there are signs and patterns that might indicate the attachment is problematic or unhealthy. Here are some fundamental signs of unhealthy attachment:
You're constantly, obsessively thinking about the person to the point where it interferes with your daily life or distracts you from your own needs and responsibilities.
You have an overwhelming fear that the person will leave you, leading to clingy behavior or excessive efforts to keep them close.
You feel panicked or anxious when they aren't around or don't immediately respond to your texts/calls/messages.
You consistently prioritize or accommodate the other person's needs over your own.
You feel empty or incomplete unless they are around, or you feel like your self-worth and identity are tied to the relationship.
You feel anxious or "paralyzed" when making decisions on your own.
You're jealous, suspicious, or possessive and need constant reassurance that they love you.
You avoid confrontation and expressing your needs because you fear losing them.
You constantly seek their approval or validation, or their opinion of you disproportionately affects your self-esteem.
The relationship has chaotic cycles of emotional highs and lows
You overlook or justify their hurtful behavior.
You sacrifice your other relationships.
What is the hardest attachment style to love?
The disorganized attachment style is generally considered the hardest attachment style to love. This is because it often involves a complex mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, making it particularly difficult for both the individual and their partner to navigate. While a disorganized attachment style can harm relationships, it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship will fail. It also doesn't mean everyone who has a disorganized attachment style is abusive to their partners. With therapy and support, it is possible to heal the effects of disorganized attachment on a relationship and for individuals to cultivate healthier attachment styles.
How can you tell if someone has insecure attachment?
Characteristics of insecure attachment might differ between people, so it can be a challenge to identify, especially if you're in the beginning stages of the relationship. While people don't typically embody textbook examples of insecure attachment, there are some broader signs of an unhealthy attachment style. For example:
They have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries
They're overly sensitive to conflict or criticism
Their behaviors are inconsistent
They have trouble forming or maintaining long-term relationships
There are also behavior patterns linked with specific types of insecure attachments. For example, individuals with anxious attachment tend to be clingy, overly dependent, and fearful of abandonment. They might seek constant reassurance, overanalyzing their interactions in anticipation that their partner will leave.
People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and avoid intimacy, sometimes coming across as emotionally distant or detached. They might keep their partner at arm's length and avoid emotional connection. Avoidant individuals often struggle with expressing emotions and intensely fear being "trapped" in a relationship.
Disorganized attachment is often characterized by a combination of anxious and avoidant traits, with unpredictable or contradictory behaviors. People with disorganized attachment might crave intimacy but push people away when they get too close. Their behavior may be erratic, alternating between emotional highs and lows. They may shift quickly from clinginess to withdrawal or from love to anger. They may have trouble trusting others, even those who are trustworthy, often expecting to be hurt or betrayed.
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