Recognizing Controlling Behavior & Controlling Relationship Signs

At their best, relationships can be sources of love and support that bring out the best in both partners. However, some relationships may not be healthy. Controlling relationships can create power imbalances that damage self-esteem and mental health. Some may even become abusive.

Are you seeing controlling relationship signs?

Learning to recognize the signs of a controlling relationship, such as possessiveness, isolation, disrespect, and manipulation, can be an important way to look after your well-being. If you think you may be in a controlling relationship, consider reaching out to a therapist in your local area or online for professional support.

If you or a loved one is witnessing or experiencing any form of abuse, please know that help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

What is a controlling relationship?

In healthy relationships, there is usually an even balance of power. Partners often collaborate on decisions, give each other space when they need it, and work together as a team to keep the relationship happy. 

A controlling relationship tends to be the opposite. It usually involves one partner dictating what the other one can say or do. 

In a controlling relationship, a person may use their words or actions to control their partner’s behavior. This can range from emotional manipulation to verbal or even physical abuse. 

This type of treatment can take the other person’s power away. In some cases, it can also make it harder for them to leave the relationship. For this reason, many controlling relationships can be considered toxic or abusive. 

Common controlling relationship signs: Acknowledging controlling behavior

Often, controlling behavior leads to feelings of helplessness and fear. In some cases, it can even contribute to mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD). That’s why it can be important to recognize these behaviors as soon as possible so you can determine your next move. Below, find some of the common signs of a controlling relationship.

Possessiveness

While occasional jealousy can be a natural emotion, a constant dynamic of jealous or possessive behavior may be a problem in a relationship. For example, if your partner goes through your phone without permission, doesn’t want you spending time with people of your same sexual orientation, or seems excessively concerned about you cheating on them without reason, these may be red flags. 

Isolation

Cutting someone off from others can be a common tactic among controlling partners. Taking away a person’s support network can make it easier to create dependency and keep them in the relationship. You may want to be aware of partners who don’t want you to see friends and family, or who try to prevent you from having a social life. 

Manipulation

Manipulation can take various forms, from gaslighting (making you question your memory or sanity) to stonewalling (refusing to interact with you). Because it can be subtle, manipulation may not always be easy to spot. That said, be on the lookout for behaviors meant to make you feel guilty, change your beliefs, or do things you don’t want to do. 

Disrespect

Bullying can be a common feature of an abusive relationship. A controlling partner may try to break someone down emotionally in order to damage their self-esteem and make them more dependent on them. If your partner constantly insults you, criticizes you, or makes you feel like you’re not good enough, this may be a warning sign. 

Physical control

A controlling partner may also use physical tactics to exert control. While being physically aggressive may be one of the most obvious ones, physical control can also be more subtle. It might include things like insisting on driving you everywhere, taking away your belongings, or changing your environment to make it harder for you to leave. 

While this list doesn’t necessarily cover every possibility, you may notice that many of the above behaviors have things in common, such as violating a partner’s secrecy or taking away their independence. It can help to be on the lookout for other, similar behaviors in your own relationships. 

Tips for recognizing controlling behavior

Now that you’re familiar with some of the common warning signs of a controlling relationship, it may be easier to spot them in your own life. However, just knowing about them may not always be enough to recognize them. The following tips may help you build additional awareness.

Do research on controlling relationship signs

Educating yourself on controlling relationships can help you become familiar with other manipulation tactics and warning signs. Outside resources can also help you learn which behaviors are healthy and unhealthy, which may be useful if you have questions about your own relationship. 

Trust your gut

Your intuition can be a valuable asset for recognizing controlling behavior. Pay close attention to anything that doesn’t feel right, even if you’re not exactly sure why. If you often feel anxious, isolated, or uneasy in your relationship, it may be worth exploring those feelings. 

Practice mindfulness to protect your mental health

Mindfulness can be more than just a relaxation tool. Learning to pay attention to your emotions and interpret your body’s cues may make it easier to notice when something isn’t right. Consider taking up meditation for a few minutes a day to build awareness of your reactions to things your partner says or does. 

Reflect on your boundaries

It can be a good idea to think about your physical and emotional boundaries from time to time. What are your relationship ground rules? Has your partner violated any of them? Even if they haven’t, staying in touch with your personal limits can make it easier to notice if someone does. 

Consider journaling about your relationships

Over time, memories can become clouded, and it may become harder to notice patterns of behavior. Keeping a journal can be one way to document what you notice in your relationship. You could try writing about daily events, your feelings about your partner, or any concerns that may come up. 

Get a second opinion if you’re sensing controlling behavior

If you suspect you’re dealing with a controlling person, but you aren’t completely sure, it can be helpful to talk to others. Your support network may be able to give you a more objective perspective on the situation. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and asking for their opinion. If they notice controlling behavior, this may be worth reflecting on. 

Talking to a therapist can be another way to get an outside perspective on your relationship. A licensed professional may be able to offer insight into what’s healthy, as well as tips for addressing controlling behavior in your relationship. 

Benefits of online therapy for your mental health

That said, it can sometimes be hard to find a therapist you connect with well enough to discuss relationship challenges, especially if you live in a remote area. Online therapy may offer a solution. On platforms like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist based on your specific needs, preferences, and location and easily change therapists at any time. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research has found that online therapy can be an effective treatment for many of the mental health challenges that can arise from a controlling relationship, like PTSD. In a 2022 study, 196 adults diagnosed with PTSD were given either a face-to-face therapy program or an online therapy program. Researchers found that online therapy was generally as effective as in-person therapy at improving their symptoms.

Takeaway

It may not always be easy to recognize a controlling relationship, which can be defined as a relationship in which one person dictates what their partner can say or do. But because these relationships can be unhealthy—and sometimes even abusive—it can be important to familiarize yourself with the signs, such as isolation, manipulation, and bullying. You may also benefit from trusting your gut, connecting with your boundaries, and talking to a mental health professional in person or online if you have any concerns.