Recognizing Controlling Behavior & Controlling Relationship Signs
At their best, relationships can be sources of love and support that bring out the best in both partners. However, some relationships may not be healthy. Controlling relationships can create power imbalances that damage self-esteem and mental health. Some may even become abusive.
Are you seeing controlling relationship signs?
Learning to recognize the signs of a controlling relationship, such as possessiveness, isolation, disrespect, and manipulation, can be an important way to look after your well-being. If you think you may be in a controlling relationship, consider reaching out to a therapist in your local area or online for professional support.
What is a controlling relationship?
In healthy relationships, there is usually an even balance of power. Partners often collaborate on decisions, give each other space when they need it, and work together as a team to keep the relationship happy.
A controlling relationship tends to be the opposite. It usually involves one partner dictating what the other one can say or do.
In a controlling relationship, a person may use their words or actions to control their partner’s behavior. This can range from emotional manipulation to verbal or even physical abuse.
This type of treatment can take the other person’s power away. In some cases, it can also make it harder for them to leave the relationship. For this reason, many controlling relationships can be considered toxic or abusive.
Common controlling relationship signs: Acknowledging controlling behavior
Often, controlling behavior leads to feelings of helplessness and fear. In some cases, it can even contribute to mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD). That’s why it can be important to recognize these behaviors as soon as possible so you can determine your next move. Below, find some of the common signs of a controlling relationship.
Possessiveness
While occasional jealousy can be a natural emotion, a constant dynamic of jealous or possessive behavior may be a problem in a relationship. For example, if your partner goes through your phone without permission, doesn’t want you spending time with people of your same sexual orientation, or seems excessively concerned about you cheating on them without reason, these may be red flags.
Isolation
Cutting someone off from others can be a common tactic among controlling partners. Taking away a person’s support network can make it easier to create dependency and keep them in the relationship. You may want to be aware of partners who don’t want you to see friends and family, or who try to prevent you from having a social life.
Manipulation
Manipulation can take various forms, from gaslighting (trying to cause you to question your memory or sanity) to stonewalling (refusing to interact with you). Because it can be subtle, manipulation may not always be easy to spot. That said, be on the lookout for behaviors intended to influence you to feel guilty, change your beliefs, or do things you don’t want to do.
Disrespect
Bullying can be a common feature of an abusive relationship. A controlling partner may try to break someone down emotionally in order to damage their self-esteem and increase the other person's dependence on them. If your partner constantly insults you, criticizes you, or tries to make you believe that you’re not good enough, this may be a warning sign.
Physical control
A controlling partner may also use physical tactics to exert control. While being physically aggressive may be one of the most obvious ones, physical control can also be more subtle. It might include things like insisting on driving you everywhere, taking away your belongings, or changing your environment to make it harder for you to leave.
While this list doesn’t necessarily cover every possibility, you may notice that many of the above behaviors have things in common, such as violating a partner’s secrecy or taking away their independence. It can help to be on the lookout for other, similar behaviors in your own relationships.
Tips for recognizing controlling behavior
Now that you’re familiar with some of the common warning signs of a controlling relationship, it may be easier to spot them in your own life. However, just knowing about them may not always be enough to recognize them. The following tips may help you build additional awareness.
Do research on controlling relationship signs
Educating yourself on controlling relationships can help you become familiar with other manipulation tactics and warning signs. Outside resources can also help you learn which behaviors are healthy and unhealthy, which may be useful if you have questions about your own relationship.
Trust your gut
Your intuition can be a valuable asset for recognizing controlling behavior. Pay close attention to anything that doesn’t feel right, even if you’re not exactly sure why. If you often feel anxious, isolated, or uneasy in your relationship, it may be worth exploring those perceptions and feelings.
Practice mindfulness to protect your mental health
Mindfulness can be more than just a relaxation tool. Learning to pay attention to your emotions and interpret your body’s cues may make it easier to notice when something isn’t right. Consider taking up meditation for a few minutes a day to build awareness of your reactions to things your partner says or does.
Reflect on your boundaries
It can be a good idea to think about your physical and emotional boundaries from time to time. What are your relationship ground rules? Has your partner violated any of them? Even if they haven’t, staying in touch with your personal limits can make it easier to notice if someone does.
Consider journaling about your relationships
Over time, memories can become clouded, and it may become harder to notice patterns of behavior. Keeping a journal can be one way to document what you notice in your relationship. You could try writing about daily events, your feelings about your partner, or any concerns that may come up.
Get a second opinion if you’re sensing controlling behavior
If you suspect you’re dealing with a controlling person, but you aren’t completely sure, it can be helpful to talk to others. Your support network may be able to give you a more objective perspective on the situation. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and asking for their opinion. If they notice controlling behavior, this may be worth reflecting on.
Talking to a therapist can be another way to get an outside perspective on your relationship. A licensed professional may be able to offer insight into what’s healthy, as well as tips for addressing controlling behavior in your relationship.
Benefits of online therapy for your mental health
That said, it can sometimes be hard to find a therapist you connect with well enough to discuss relationship challenges, especially if you live in a remote area. Online therapy may offer a solution. On platforms like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist based on your specific needs, preferences, and location and easily change therapists at any time.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Research has found that online therapy can be an effective treatment for many of the mental health challenges that can arise from a controlling relationship, like PTSD. In a 2022 study, 196 adults diagnosed with PTSD were given either a face-to-face therapy program or an online therapy program. Researchers found that online therapy was generally as effective as in-person therapy at improving their symptoms.
Takeaway
It may not always be easy to recognize a controlling relationship, which can be defined as a relationship in which one person dictates what their partner can say or do. But because these relationships can be unhealthy—and sometimes even abusive—it can be important to familiarize yourself with the signs, such as isolation, manipulation, and bullying. You may also benefit from trusting your gut, connecting with your boundaries, and talking to a mental health professional in person or online if you have any concerns.
Frequently asked questions
How do you know if you are controlling in a relationship?
Controlling people often find it challenging to recognize their behavior in a relationship. They typically try to dictate all or part of their partner’s life. They might tell their partner what they can and cannot wear, monitor their phone calls, restrict who they can spend time with, or attempt to limit their partner’s activities. A controlling person might justify their behavior by saying they have trust issues or trauma from past relationships or present other reasons that seem reasonable to them.
Typically, it is not a problem to make requests of a partner and to seek compromise. However, open communication is an essential part of that process. If their partner does not feel they can set boundaries in the conversation or will face consequences if they disagree, it is unlikely that the issue is being addressed appropriately. Controlling people typically do not respect boundaries or give much credence to their partner’s choices. They may find reasons their partner is “wrong” if they do not follow their instructions, belittle them, or use coercive strategies to achieve their goals.
What are examples of controlling behavior in a relationship?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists the following common examples of controlling behavior in relationships:
- Putting their partner down, calling them names, belittling them, or expressing constant criticism.
- Isolating their partner from family, friends, or others in their support network.
- Limiting how much time their partner can spend with others.
- Monitoring their partner’s activities or demanding to know where they go, who they contact, which interests they can have, or how they spend their time.
- Humiliating their partner in front of others or deliberately making them feel uncomfortable.
- Threatening their partner or those close to their partner, either with or without physical violence.
- Limiting their partner’s access to medical care, legal protection, or other essential resources and services.
- Gaslighting behaviors that make their partner question reality or denying, maliciously planting seeds of doubt, or denying their partner’s point of view outright.
What does a controlling girlfriend do?
Regardless of gender, controlling people tend to act in a way that gives them as much power over their partner as possible. They might demand access to their partner’s phone or social media accounts, monitor their travel, regulate who they spend time with, or keep them away from their parents, relatives, and friends. Controlling people often struggle with communication, and a controlling partner might use gaslighting or the silent treatment to ensure their partner complies with their demands. They might also create a false sense of trust, indicating to their partner that they trust them and that their questions or demands are benign.
What do controlling people say?
Controlling people often make intricate arguments to justify their behavior. They might say that their partner can’t be trusted to care for themselves, is at fault for all problems in the relationship, or that their demands are helping their partner. They could also say that their partner has not earned their trust, that their demands don’t matter in the greater context of their relationship, or that they are the actual victim in the relationship.
Controlling people often try to paint themselves as the person bearing most of the weight of relationship obligations. They might try to speak to those close to their partner to convince them that their partner is unwell or unable to care for themselves. In reality, the controlling person is likely trying to isolate their partner from their support network.
What are the early signs of controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior often escalates bit by bit and can be challenging to recognize in the early days of a relationship. Often, a controlling partner begins by questioning your actions and decisions. They might say that it is due to natural curiosity or out of concern for your safety, but over time, their questioning will likely become more direct and specific. Similarly, they might begin by making small “suggestions” for how their partner should change, like telling them to wear their hair differently or return to the house before a specific time.
The person’s partner might feel safe initially and may feel that their partner’s demands come from a place of genuine interest in their well-being. However, over time, the controlling person will likely display more of their insecurities and make increasingly restrictive demands. They might start demanding that their partner doesn’t spend time with family, their best friend, or other men or women. They might belittle or insult their partner to make them doubt their capabilities and demand access to their partner’s phone and social media. As the relationship runs its course, controlling behavior becomes more apparent. However, it is often much easier to exit a controlling relationship when the early signs appear rather than waiting for confirmation.
How can you tell if your partner is toxic?
Likely, the best way to tell if your partner is toxic is by thinking carefully about how they make you feel. If their words and actions make you feel heard, respected, and acknowledged, it is likely they are not toxic. Similarly, if you feel safe and relaxed in their presence, the relationship is likely positive. However, if you find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner, find it challenging to feel heard or make a point, or often feel anxious about your partner, it’s possible that your partner exhibits some toxic behaviors.
Am I controlling or setting boundaries?
The distinction between controlling behavior and setting boundaries is commonly misunderstood. In essence, healthy boundaries describe your limits in what you are willing to do while controlling behavior limits what your partner can do. For example, saying, “I need 20 minutes alone to calm down before I discuss this,” sets a healthy boundary by expressing your limits and needs. In contrast, saying, “I’m setting a boundary that you can’t disagree with what I say if you want to talk,” limits what your partner can do and does not represent a healthy boundary.
Ultimately, you always have the right to exit the relationship if it doesn’t suit you. You don’t, however, have the ability to make your partner behave precisely the way you want. If you feel like your needs are unmet and boundaries are not respected, it may mean it is time to consider moving on from the relationship.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
Healthy relationships are typically based on mutual enjoyment of shared interests, kind, honest communication, and dedicated efforts to maintain intimacy and mutual love. Of course, every relationship encounters challenges eventually, making problem-solving skills and a willingness to work through problems together significant. Hope and a shared determination to return the relationship to a happy place are also typically helpful.
Many people lack healthy communication skills, are prone to mood swings, or have insecure attachment styles that interfere with their ability to maintain a healthy relationship. However, many skills necessary for a positive relationship can be learned, often through individual or couples therapy. Many couples have found that therapy can provide the answer they seek when solving relationship problems.
What is stonewalling in relationships?
Stonewalling occurs when a partner completely withdraws from a conversation, shuts down, and refuses to continue talking. It typically occurs when a partner is feeling flooded or severely overwhelmed. Stonewalling is distinct from the silent treatment, a tactic in which one partner deliberately refuses to speak to the other to provoke or irritate them. In contrast, stonewalling occurs because one partner can no longer physically continue the conversation.
While the silent treatment is an unhealthy manipulation strategy, stonewalling is not unhealthy, although it can be unhelpful. Stonewalling can often be resolved by giving the overwhelmed partner time to decompress and recover. It is typically helpful to gently and kindly indicate to them that you recognize they need space and that the conversation can continue later.
What is emotional hijacking in relationships?
Emotional hijacking, also called an “amygdala hijack,” refers to instances wherein a person’s emotions become so overwhelming that they no longer think rationally. They may say things they wouldn’t usually say or do things they wouldn’t normally do. In relationships, hijacking most often occurs during intense, heated arguments or periods of high stress. Once a hijack has occurred, it is typically best to separate and allow both partners to reach a point of calm before continuing the conversation.
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