Common Red Flags In A Relationship

Sometimes, a relationship that seems perfect at first starts to turn sour as time goes by. Other times, there may be early signs that something isn’t right. Either way, when you notice signs of an unhealthy relationship, it can be important to recognize them.

These can take many forms, like controlling behavior, jealousy, or even violence. That’s why understanding some of the most common red flags in a relationship and what to do if you spot them in yours can be important for your safety and mental health. 

What are relationship red flags?

Put simply, “red flags” are warning signs that a romantic relationship may be toxic, unhealthy, or abusive — or that it could possibly be in the future. They can be major, like physical violence, but they can also be more subtle. Gaslighting, dishonesty, and even conflicting life goals can all be red flags, too. 

It may be worth noting that not all warning signs may be red flags in a relationship. “Yellow flags” are issues that may not be immediate problems but could still lead to problems later on. For example, if your partner struggles to communicate openly or has somewhat different values than you, these might be yellow flags. It can be helpful to take note of these yellow flags and take proactive steps to address them to keep them from turning into bigger issues. 

10 relationship red flags

Now that you know what red flags are, you may be wondering how to identify them in a current or future relationship, and what a healthy relationship looks like. While not exhaustive, the following list includes 10 common red flags you may encounter in a partner, which you may consider to be dealbreakers:

They want to move too fast

In a new relationship, it can be normal to go through a “honeymoon period” where you and your partner can’t stop thinking about each other. However, if your partner seems like they’re rushing to move the relationship forward, this may be a problem. This might include pressuring you to be exclusive, move in together, or get married earlier than you’re comfortable with. 

They are trying to control too much

Controlling behaviors like “love bombing” may also be red flags. In a healthy relationship, each partner is able to give the other one independence and autonomy to spend time on their own. Take note if your partner tries to control who you can see, where you can go, or how you can spend your time. This may be a red flag in the relationship. 

They engage in physical or emotional abuse

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. If your partner uses insults, fear, or physical abuse to control you, this is a huge red flag. If you are in an abusive relationship, it can be important to get help as soon as possible.

An important red flag: They scare you when they’re angry

Even if your partner doesn’t get physically violent, having angry or explosive outbursts can still be a red flag or sign that they have trouble controlling their emotions. This can lead to a toxic relationship and, in some cases, maybe a precursor to abusive behavior. 

They gaslight you

They’re jealous

Personal space can be important in a romantic relationship, and while it may be normal for partners to feel jealous occasionally, it can be a problem if it becomes a pattern in a relationship. If your partner acts overly possessive, violates your secrecy, or appears paranoid about your loyalty, this is a common relationship red flag. 

They interfere with your other relationships

They show signs of substance misuse

While having different life goals may not reflect badly on your partner, it can still be a red flag that the relationship might not be right for you. Be on the lookout for incompatible life goals that may affect you or the relationship in the long run, like wanting kids when your partner doesn’t or wanting to focus on your career when your partner wants you to stay home. 

Growth and change can be natural parts of healthy relationships. However, if your partner makes you feel bad for who you are, causes low self-esteem, or attempts to turn you into someone you’re not, this can be a red flag as it may point to trouble. Convincing you to change your life plans or act differently to fit their ideal can be a red flag, especially if they aren’t willing to work on themselves, too. 

It may be worth remembering that these are just a few possible red flags you might run into in a relationship. But these aren’t the only red flags you may experience in a relationship. That’s why it can be important to listen to your gut. If something doesn’t seem right or sets off alarm bells in your head, it may still be a red flag, even if it’s not on this list of relationship red flags.  

What to do if you spot red flags in a relationship

Noticing an issue in your relationship can cause feelings of confusion and fear. That said, being proactive in a relationship is often one of the best things you can do to stay safe and move forward. Some behaviors may be more serious than others, but they may still need to be addressed in a relationship. What this involves can depend on the behavior, but some general steps may include:

Staying safe after spotting a red flag

Communicating

If you’ve noticed a yellow flag or an issue that can possibly be addressed, committing to conflict resolution with your partner may be a good first step to help your relationship. If it’s safe to do so, be honest and upfront with your partner about their behavior and how it affects you. Consider talking using “I” statements and approach the interaction with a problem-solving mindset. Remember to preserve your well-being by asserting your boundaries, too. If your partner isn’t interested in addressing the issue, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Seeking professional help

Whether or not your partner’s behavior is something that can be addressed, getting help from a professional can be valuable. If the relationship can be repaired, a relationship counselor may be able to offer a safe space for healthy problem-solving. If you’ve noticed warning signs at a certain point but aren’t sure what to do about them, a relationship or couples therapist may also be able to offer guidance for your relationship. 

Reaching out to mental health professionals

Relationship red flags can have mental health effects, from anxiety about the future of the relationship to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in cases of abuse or manipulation. Symptoms of these conditions caused by relationship red flags, like panic attacks, may make it hard to leave the house to attend in-person therapy. Through platforms like BetterHelp, you can attend counseling from the comfort of your own home. This may make them a more easily available alternative.

Online therapy to support you when you find red flags in a relationship