What Can I Do When I’m Feeling Insecure In A Relationship?

It is not uncommon to experience relationship insecurity occasionally, but frequently feeling insecure in a relationship may indicate that it has some problems to address. It could be that personal insecurities are making it difficult to find the stability you’d like in your relationship, or your partner might behave in a way that makes you doubt their commitment.

Whatever the cause, insecurity in a relationship can be stressful. It may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy wherein your insecurities lead you to blow problems out of proportion or find problems where there are none. Experiencing relationship insecurities doesn’t mean that the relationship is over or unsalvageable, but it may be time to put some effort into making it more secure.

Insecurity can be a warning sign

When questioning the security of your relationship, start by evaluating how your partner treats you. They may not have perfect relationship skills, but treating each other with kindness, empathy, and respect is important. If respect is lacking, or if your partner mistreats you, finding security in your relationship will likely be very challenging. 

You don’t have to tolerate anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect, but it is also important to recognize serious behavioral problems that might constitute an abusive relationship. Some common abusive behaviors include: 

• Attempts to control you, like dictating with whom you can spend time or how you spend your money. 
• Manipulative behaviors, such as frequent lying, gaslighting, or questioning your ability to make your own decisions. 
• Insulting or disparaging behaviors, like put-downs, insults, contempt, or extreme criticism. 
• Aggressive or violent behavior, including shouting, intimidation, physical contact, or sexual assault. 

If your relationship contains any of the behaviors listed above, strongly consider distancing yourself from your partner before working on personal security. Abusive relationships can take a serious toll on a person’s self-esteem, and it is worthwhile to get yourself to a safe and secure place before evaluating your own insecurities. If you’re worried about leaving or you’re not yet ready, consider reaching out for help developing a safety plan and exit plan. 

Even if your partner doesn’t display abusive behaviors, they may not be meeting your needs for security in the relationship. If you continually sense that your needs aren’t being met, it will likely be worthwhile to consider whether you want to remain in the relationship. Although your partner may treat you well, they may have a different communication style and emotional needs. Take time to think about the relationship as a whole as you investigate your own personal insecurities. 

Feeling insecure in a relationship: What leads someone to experience insecurity?

You might feel insecure in an otherwise healthy relationship for many reasons. It is likely worthwhile to consider your relationship history — perhaps you have had relationships that lacked security, or you were raised in a manner inconsistent with personal security. Think about whether you carry preconceived notions from previous relationships to your current one. This is especially important if you have dated people who have not treated you respectfully; their behavior may have impacted your view of relationships. 

You may also want to question whether you have felt insecure for most of your dating history or just the relationship you’re currently in. Similarly, think about whether you have insecure traits in areas other than romantic relationships. For example, if you are often insecure at work, school, or around friends, it might indicate a deeper-rooted source of personal insecurity. If feeling secure has historically been a challenge for you, it may be worthwhile to consider whether you have longstanding insecurities that originated in childhood. 

Explaining insecurity through attachment theory

Attachment theory was first developed in the mid-20th century as a theoretical framework to describe the attachment between children and their caregivers. In their experiments, researchers systematically separated children from their caregivers briefly before reuniting them. The research team noted inconsistencies in how some children displayed attachment behaviors, such as crying and searching for an absent parent. 

Researchers theorized that a child’s attachment behaviors were adaptive evolutionary responses that developed as a way to ensure the child remained near their primary source of safety and security. Early researchers called this the “attachment behavioral system” and recognized that it played an important role in helping young children feel secure, although the behaviors displayed could differ. Some children panicked when their parents left the room and couldn’t be soothed upon their return; some children barely reacted at all; and other children avoided their parents when they returned.

Scientists eventually realized that each child’s reaction to parental separation was at least partially mediated by the relationship the child had with their parent. Loving, emotionally distant, neglectful, and authoritative parents all produce different behaviors in children. Generally, only loving and nurturing parents had children who were secure when separated; the other parenting styles generally resulted in insecure attachment behaviors. 

Effects of attachment style on adult relationships

Years after the foundation of attachment theory, other researchers hypothesized that the attachment behavioral system remained active after childhood. Studies revealed that the attachment behavioral system influences a person well into adulthood, most notably influencing how they choose romantic partners and behave in a romantic relationship. Those who had grown up securely attached to their caregivers were more likely to have a healthy romantic relationship, while those who grew up with insecure attachments were more likely to have relationship problems. 

The four attachment styles

Evidence supports the theory that parental relationships during childhood can influence how securely a person attaches to a romantic partner. While parental attachment doesn’t perfectly predict attachment in intimate relationships, it likely plays a large role. If feeling insecure is the norm for you, it might be worthwhile to investigate your attachments. You might consider taking an attachment style quiz to find out more about your attachment style in adult relationships.

The four attachment styles are described below: 

• Anxious attachment is most commonly associated with insecurity. People with this attachment style typically have a significant fear of abandonment. They may be clingy, demanding, and preoccupied with the relationship, and they tend to need a lot of reassurance. 
• Avoidant attachment typically refers to those who do not want to depend on others and don’t want others to depend on them. They may have trouble relating to their partner’s emotions and avoid giving reassurance. 
• Disorganized attachment often occurs when children from neglectful or abusive homes reach adulthood. These people tend to oscillate between anxious and avoidant attachment. They want love and companionship, but the fear of being hurt leads them to limit how strongly they emotionally connect with another person. 
• Secure attachment is the absence of the three insecure attachment styles described above (i.e., anxious, avoidant, and disorganized). Those who are securely attached enjoy spending time with their partner but don’t find it challenging to be alone. They can communicate their feelings, offer support, and take it from their partner when needed. 

Can I change my attachment style?

Evidence suggests that changing your attachment style is possible with time and effort. A “fifth” attachment style, called earned secure attachment, is nearly identical to secure attachment. The main difference is that those with earned secure attachment have an understanding of which childhood memories led to insecure attachment.

Online therapy for changing attachment styles

Because of the complexity of attachment and personal security, many people find it helpful to work with a licensed mental health counselor or other mental health professional as they work to become more secure. If you’re interested in changing your attachment style, you might consider online therapy as a way to get started. You can engage in online therapy from the comfort of your home, and you have the flexibility to select a therapist who may not be based in your local area. This enhances the chances of finding a practitioner who aligns well with your needs and preferences.

Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists, like cognitive behavioral therapy. They can help you address attachment issues, build self-esteem, investigate past relationships, or address nearly any concern related to your mental well-being. Online therapy has just as many techniques at its disposal as traditional therapy, and evidence suggests it is just as effective.