What do I do if I’m not ready for a relationship but I like her?

It’s commendable that you’re willing to take time to consider whether you are ready for a relationship. Many people dive headfirst into relationships without considering much beyond initial attraction. While spontaneity and passion can certainly be romantic, it is often better to consciously consider the pros and cons of a potential partnership before pursuing a new partner. Still, you might be worried that the optimal moment to date a certain person may pass, or you might be concerned that, should you decide you’re not ready to date, you will need to work hard to manage your feelings of attraction. This article will discuss how to know if you are ready for dating and what to do if you’re not quite there.

How do I know if I’m ready for a relationship?

Choosing the right person to date is a big decision, often complicated by strong feelings that might influence logical decisions. It is likely worthwhile to spend time thinking about past romantic partnerships, what matters most to you in a partnership, and what is attracting you to a potential new partner. There is no way to predict whether someone is ready to date with 100% certainty, but some commonly-accepted signs are listed below: 

You understand what you need in a partnership

Before getting involved with a new person, it is generally considered important to have a good understanding of your own needs within a partnership. While there are many definitions of what constitutes a healthy relationship, common themes that might be worthy of consideration tend to appear. It is likely worthwhile to take time to consider your needs in at least the following areas:

• Boundaries. What do healthy boundaries look like to you? Will your potential partner understand your boundaries and respect them? Do you feel comfortable enforcing boundaries in a healthy, productive way?
• Communication. How do you communicate best in a relationship? How much communication do you consider to be appropriate? Does your potential partner seem to communicate in a way that is comfortable to you? 
• Trust. Can you foresee trusting your potential partner enough to be vulnerable around them? What does trustworthiness mean to you? 
• Intimacy. While intimacy often refers to sex and other forms of physical intimacy, it is likely worthwhile to first consider emotional intimacy. Do you know how you best connect to your partner in a non-sexual way? What activities bring you closer to a partner in a relationship? Does your potential partner express emotional intimacy in a similar way? 

While the topics listed above are not exhaustive, they likely form a good starting point for you to process when considering when to enter a relationship. The dating period gives you ample time to get to know a new partner, but it is likely to make it easier to find happiness if you first understand your own needs. 

You’re in a good place in your non-romantic life

It is typically easier to start and maintain a healthy partnership if you have your own basic needs met before dating. For example, evidence suggests that financial issues are one of the top risks to a couple’s satisfaction with their partnership. If you’re currently experiencing financial strain, it's likely best to wait to date until you are in a more stable position. 

You may also want to consider your overall mental and physical health when deciding to date. Dating introduces time constraints and can sometimes increase stress levels simply by reducing the amount of free time you have. Take time to consider whether you practice adequate self-care to maintain your well-being, such as getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, or getting regular exercise. Self-care is foundational to overall well-being, and poor self-care may introduce problems in a relationship that have nothing to do with partner compatibility. 

In addition, it is likely worthwhile to think about your confidence and self-esteem. If you have a positive view of yourself and would feel comfortable walking away from an unhappy dating partnership, your self-esteem may be in a good place. If you find it difficult to say “no” or believe you need to have a partner to be happy, you may want to work on building your self-esteem before considering dating. 

You’re confident in your basic relationship skills

Partnerships take deliberate effort to ensure long-term happiness. That effort often comes in the form of developing certain skills that facilitate stability in a union. Evidence suggests that healthy, harmonious partnerships improve happiness, satisfaction with the partnership, and overall well-being. It is likely worthwhile to think carefully about your skills in the following areas: 

• Empathetic communication
• Problem-solving and conflict resolution
• Seeking help
• Receiving help

If you’ve noted problems in those areas in past partnerships or think you might have room to improve, it might be wise to wait to date until you have a better understanding of your skills. Many major problems in a partnership can be avoided with good communication and problem-solving skills. 

How can I get myself ready to date?

If, after consideration, you think you might not be ready to date, it is likely best to focus on self-improvement and personal growth. Going into a new partnership with the knowledge and confidence of being prepared can help prevent you or your new partner from getting hurt and can ensure that expectations are appropriate on both sides. 

You may have found that you need to break free from old habits, make significant life changes, or reconsider the person in whom you are interested. Whatever the case, it is likely that self-improvement and growth are possible as you prepare for a new dating partner. Some areas you may wish to address are listed below: 

Improve your self-esteem

High self-esteem is an important part of maintaining happy, healthy, romantic partnerships.  If you believe you lack confidence or don’t have a good view of yourself, it is possible that your poor self-image could impact the quality of your next dating partnership. You may wish to strongly consider working with a mental health professional to improve low self-esteem, as they may be able to make the process significantly easier. In the meantime, here are some tips you can try: 

• Deliberately change your self-talk. Self-talk refers to the narratives we have about ourselves. If you find that you put yourself down, disparage yourself, or ignore positive aspects of who you are, it may be helpful to address your self-talk. Try to consciously introduce positive thoughts about yourself, even if it seems forced at first. 
• Don’t discount the positive. People with low self-esteem sometimes have a hard time recognizing their accomplishments. Seeing your successes, even small ones, is an important part of maintaining confidence and self-esteem. Take time to recognize your achievements, no matter how big or small. 
• Spend time with encouraging people. Talk to friends or family members who support you and see your positive aspects. Positive social interactions are one of the best predictors of happiness and overall well-being. It is likely much easier to maintain self-esteem when surrounded by a caring support network.

Practice active listening

Communication is extremely important in romantic partnerships, and it is likely worthwhile to practice all communication skills. However, to start, it might be beneficial to focus on listening rather than speaking. Active listening refers to listening skills that allow you to take in what your partner says, understand their true meaning, and demonstrate that you are attentive to their communication. Below are some basic components of good active listening:

• Show you are paying attention. Make sure your body language communicates that you are paying attention. Look at the other person with polite eye contact, take note of your facial expression, and adopt an open posture. Face the other person and encourage them to speak by nodding or using small verbal comments like “yes” or “go on.” 
• Paraphrase to demonstrate understanding. Summarize what the other person has said by using phrases like “What I’m hearing is…” or “It sounds like you are saying…” followed by your understanding of what the person has said. Then, give them an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings before continuing. 
• Avoid judgment. It can sometimes be easy to spend more time thinking about your response than truly absorbing what the other person is saying. In that case, it may be easy to jump to conclusions or develop a poor understanding of what the other person is trying to say. Consider their words openly, without judgment or preconceived notions. 
• Respond appropriately. When it is your turn to speak, continue to demonstrate your active listening by incorporating the other person’s perspective into your response. Assert your opinions respectfully, and introduce your perspective as a viable alternative, not an absolute truth the other person must accept. 

See a professional

Whether you are trying to build self-esteem, develop dating skills, or address issues from past relationships, a therapist or other mental health professional can likely help. You may want to consider online therapy if you need a convenient way to access a therapist. You can meet with an online therapist from your home. 

Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which could help you change unwanted thought processes or undesired behaviors. Online therapy has recently experienced a surge in the number of users choosing it as their preferred option, prompting researchers to rapidly investigate whether online methods are as effective as in-person ones. Contemporary research suggests that, in most cases, online therapy is just as effective as its traditional alternative.

Takeaway

It is likely a wise decision to carefully assess whether you are ready to date before pursuing a new partner. If you’ve had problems in past partnerships or aren’t sure you have everything you need for a new one, taking time to focus on self-improvement and personal growth could lead to major benefits down the road. Take time to ensure that your basic partnership skills, personal life, and self-awareness are in a good enough place to support dating. If you don’t think they are, it will likely be beneficial to work with a therapist to help you improve your skills and self-esteem.