What Do You Value Most In A Relationship? Communication, Honesty, & Other Core Values

Our values play an integral role in shaping our life experiences, relationships, and overall well-being. Determining your values can also help set you up for long-term relationship success. Here, we’ll discuss what values are, explore how they can influence our interpersonal connections, and provide suggestions for discovering and applying your core values to form healthy relationships. 

What do you value most in a relationship? Defining core values

Generally speaking, personal values refer to the guiding principles and beliefs that shape your decisions, actions, and overall sense of purpose. Your values reflect what you hold dear and how you want to live. Examples of personal values include: 

• Honesty: being transparent and truthful, even when it’s challenging 
• Integrity: acting according to your principles
• Respect: valuing the worth of others through consideration and courtesy
• Kindness: showing empathy, generosity, and compassion towards others
• Courage: speaking out for what you believe in, even when challenging
• Humility: being aware of your strengths and opportunities for growth and avoiding arrogance and pride
• Responsibility: taking ownership of your actions and their consequences
• Family: prioritizing and valuing your relationships with loved ones
• Growth: continuously seeking to learn, improve, and evolve

Why answering the question, “What do you value most in a  relationship” and defining your core values matters  

You might not be fully aware of what your personal values are, exactly. They can reflect subtly in your life choices and work "behind the scenes" to drive your behaviors. Defining your core values explicitly can provide a more tangible blueprint for living purposefully, forging a more solid connection between your values, identity, and choices. This connection may result in greater life and relationship satisfaction and overall well-being. 

Healthier relationships through shared values  

Relationship values are fundamental beliefs that guide how couples treat each other, resolve conflicts, and make shared life choices. When partners share similar core values, it can allow them to empathize with each other better, create a sense of unity and shared purpose, and improve communication and intimacy. Even if they differ somewhat, couples can have complementary values that may contribute to relationship satisfaction. 

Complementary values may allow partners to learn from each other, appreciate different strengths, and find common ground. Complementary values can also lead to a dynamic where each partner fills a gap in the other's strengths, creating a more complete and fulfilling life and relationship. 

Communication and honesty: Are these shared values in a relationship predictors of interpersonal success?

Many people would say that active communication and honesty are among the most essential factors in a healthy relationship. They can both play a significant role in effectively solving problems and establishing intimacy as well as in determining which other values you might share. Studies do indicate a link between communication and relationship satisfaction; however, researchers are still investigating whether having communication as a value is a predictor of healthy relationships or if being in a healthy relationship leads to valuing communication more. 

How do you know if your relationship values are compatible?

Communication plays a significant role in determining shared core values, but research also suggests that many people subconsciously “test” a potential partner’s compatibility by weighing their similarities and differences. While this might be beneficial in some ways, there are also more active, purposeful steps you can take to measure your values compatibility while you’re in a relationship. 

For example, pay attention to how you and your partner handle disagreements and make decisions together. Do you share similar views on having children, career goals, and finances? Are your spiritual beliefs compatible? Do you enjoy spending time together and have some shared interests or hobbies? In addition to noting these observations, it can also be advisable to open up a specific conversation with your partner about what you each value and where you are and aren’t aligned.

Signs of compatible relationship values 

Mutual respect is typically a cornerstone of relationship success. Do you and your partner value each other’s opinions and perspectives, even when you disagree? Good communication in which you can express your needs honestly and openly is also often integral. Do you feel safe and supported in the relationship and connect on a deeper level? Do you trust and accept each other enough to be comfortable in vulnerable moments? You might also have a stronger relationship if you and your partner support each other’s goals and dreams and keep a healthy balance of individual and shared time and activities. 

Navigating differing values in a relationship through honesty and communication 

Couples don’t have to share all the same values to be compatible. In some cases, differing partner values complement each other and can create growth opportunities. You can often strengthen your relationship when you and your partner are willing to honor and respect your differences and compromise when necessary. Here are some tips for navigating value differences: 

• Hold honest, open conversations about your values and beliefs and actively listen to your partner's perspective. Explain the reasons behind your values to help your partner understand the context and origins of each one. 
• Try to understand your partner’s perspective, including their experiences, culture, upbringing, and other factors that have shaped them. Look for areas where your values align or overlap and use them as a foundation for your relationship. 
• Be willing to compromise on some issues to find solutions that work for both of you. You might also identify shared goals and work together to achieve them, even if you have different approaches or values related to this process.

The role of self-reflection in defining core values 

Introspection can foster self-awareness that may help you identify your core values and understand how they influence your relationship choices. Self-reflection allows you to explore your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, uncovering what genuinely matters to you. Identifying your values through self-reflection can also guide your behaviors and life choices, fostering a sense of authenticity and purpose. Because your values can shift as you grow and encounter new experiences, regular self-reflection can also help you stay aligned with your evolving self. 

Tools and techniques for self-reflection

Learning how to connect with yourself may take practice, but there are some tools you can use to facilitate the process and get you into the habit of self-evaluation. Journaling, whether free writing or responding to a prompt, is one concrete way to capture your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, often allowing for deeper introspection and identification of patterns. 

In addition, mindfulness practices such as mindful breathing, guided meditations, and grounding (checking in with your sensory experience in the moment) may help you cultivate present-moment awareness and observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment. You might also consider seeking feedback from trusted friends and family and setting goals to foster personal growth and self-awareness. Finally, creative outlets such as art, music, or writing can provide a unique avenue for self-expression and reflection.

How seeking support from a mental health professional can help

Couples therapy can help partners explore their shared values, learn to communicate, and increase their ability to cultivate strong, lasting bonds. However, relationship health typically begins with individual well-being. That’s why individual therapy can often be a useful tool for promoting self-confidence, self-esteem, and empathy—necessary traits for nurturing a strong relationship in many cases. 

Cultivating self-awareness

In most cases, some level of self-awareness is necessary for understanding one’s values and core beliefs. Therapy can help people explore the thoughts, feelings, and experiences that shape decisions in their everyday lives. In therapy, negative thoughts and beliefs can also be adjusted or reframed to shift an individual's state of mind and guide them toward healthier behaviors and relationships. 

Setting boundaries

Reasonable boundaries in relationships are the limits we set to protect our well-being and reflect our values. They are usually critical for healthy relationships, as they can allow individuals to feel safe, respected, and cared for. Boundaries can be associated with physical closeness, emotional vulnerability, mental health, sexual behaviors, and more. Prioritizing self-care and cultivating a relationship where you both can say “no” without negative repercussions or guilt are examples of healthy practices related to boundaries that one may learn in therapy. 

Learning conflict resolution and emotional regulation skills

Strong conflict resolution and emotional management skills can give one an advantage in many areas of daily life. Such skills are also typically foundational for mental health and well-being. Therapists commonly assist individuals in learning to address challenges in these areas. 

Addressing barriers to receiving mental health support

Despite its potential benefits, therapy is not a tool that’s easily available to everyone. There are many reasons for this, but some common barriers include a lack of providers in one’s area, a schedule or circumstances that don’t allow for regular travel to in-person appointments, and financial constraints.

Whether you’re contemplating going with your partner or independently, online therapy can provide a solution to some of these barriers. For example, online therapy allows you to attend sessions from the comfort of your home or anywhere else you have an internet connection, eliminating the need to travel to and from appointments. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp also allow clients to book sessions outside of normal working hours if that's more convenient for their schedule. Plus, online therapy is typically more affordable than in-person therapy without insurance.

Research also indicates that online therapy can often be highly effective in addressing a wide variety of challenges, from depression and anxiety to relationship issues. For example, one study measured the experiences of college students with online counseling during the COVID-19 pandemic. Its findings suggest that the online counseling intervention was effective in reducing psychological distress, depression, interpersonal sensitivity, and anxiety.