What To Do When She’s Not Ready For A Relationship
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“She says she likes me, but she’s not ready for a relationship.”
“He loves me, but he doesn’t want to commit.”
“They’re interested in getting serious, but not right now.”
Do any of these statements sound familiar? If so, then you may already know how confusing it can be when someone seems to be interested in you but doesn’t want to take the next step forward in the relationship. When this happens, it can leave you at a loss regarding what to do. However, by understanding their possible reasons, practicing empathy, and tending to your own well-being, you may be able to move forward with more clarity. A licensed mental health professional can help you through this process via online or in-person therapy sessions.
What does it mean when someone says they’re not ready for a relationship?
When a potential partner tells you they aren’t ready to take the relationship further, it can be natural to feel frustration, embarrassment, or disappointment. It can be worth remembering that people may have various reasons for not pursuing something more serious. These reasons often have more to do with their own situation and history than with you.
Some examples can include the following:
They don’t feel emotionally ready
It can be common for people to reflect on their own feelings and decide they aren’t ready for the emotions that may come with a serious relationship. They may realize they’ve jumped into dating too quickly, or that they need time to focus on their mental health before taking things further. They may also simply need more time to decide whether they’re on the right path before making a commitment.
They want to let you down gently
When someone expresses interest, and the other person doesn’t feel the same way, they may say they aren’t ready for a relationship as a way to soften the rejection. This may come from a good place, but it can sometimes be a sign that they have trouble with honest communication.
They have other things going on in their life
For some people, it’s simply a matter of having found the right person at the wrong time. Even when someone genuinely wants a relationship, they may have other life conflicts that would get in the way. Illnesses, family emergencies, major work events, travel, and financial struggles can all make it harder to dedicate time and energy to a relationship.
They’ve recently gotten out of a relationship
Getting out of a relationship, especially a long-term one, can bring a lot of upheaval. It can be common for people to need time to process the emotions of the breakup before they can invest themselves in another person. They may also want to avoid a “rebound” relationship that could negatively affect both parties.
Why she's not ready for a relationship: Fear of commitment
A fear of commitment may be another common reason someone might tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship. This can be a complex topic with a variety of possible causes, such as the following:
- Past traumas, such as a previous abusive relationship*, which can make it scary to be emotionally vulnerable again
- Low self-esteem or poor self-image
- An avoidant or disorganized attachment style
- Certain personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder
- Gamophobia, a specific phobia that causes a literal fear of marriage and romantic commitment
These are just a few reasons why someone might tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship. Getting familiar with these may help you understand the other person’s situation better and decide what to do next.
Next steps
If the person you’re interested in has recently told you they aren’t ready for a relationship, it can be tricky to know what to do. While the right next move can depend on the situation, here are some general tips for moving forward.
Avoid making assumptions
As tempting as it may be, it can be best not to assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Try to avoid blanket statements like, “Most guys are ready to commit by now,” or “You just don’t know what you really want.” Instead, do your best to be empathetic and actively listen to what the other person says. Seek clarity and ask questions if needed. This may help you approach the situation with more understanding.
Don’t put pressure on them
If you have strong feelings for someone, you may be tempted to try to push them to commit anyway. However, it can be important to respect their boundaries and avoid forcing them to move forward if they aren’t ready. Trust their judgment and avoid using manipulation or guilt to rush them into a relationship.
Don’t feel obligated
If the other person isn’t ready for something serious and you are, you generally shouldn’t feel pressured to wait for them if you don’t want to. If they want a relationship with you, but just not right now, then it may be up to you to decide how much time you want to spend waiting. There may not be a single right or wrong answer, so it can be important to reflect on what’s best for your own happiness and act accordingly.
Don’t forget your own mental health
No matter where things go next, it can be important to prioritize your well-being. Emotions can run high, and when you’ve invested a lot of time and energy in the other person, you may experience feelings of sadness or reduced self-esteem. It can help to focus on self-care, spend time with your loved ones, and give yourself some space if you need it.
Therapy can be another useful resource for sorting through your feelings in situations like these. Talking to a mental health professional may help you decide what to do next, take care of yourself, and process the disappointment or frustration you may be feeling. If you’re noticing concerning mental health symptoms, a therapist may also be able to help you proactively address them.
Benefits of online therapy
It can be difficult when someone you have feelings for tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship. In some cases, this experience can even contribute to symptoms of depression, such as low energy, reduced motivation, and sadness. This can make it hard to leave the house for an in-person therapy appointment. Online therapy may be helpful in these cases, empowering you to talk to a counselor from the comfort of your own home.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Online therapy can be effective at treating various mental health concerns, including depression. In 2019, researchers reviewed data from over 300 adults receiving internet-based therapy for depression. They found that, in general, online therapy significantly reduced the severity of their symptoms.
Takeaway
Potential partners may not be ready for a relationship for various reasons, such as conflicting life events or a fear of commitment. While it can be tempting to make assumptions about their intentions or pressure them to commit anyway, this is generally not recommended. Instead, it can be helpful to try to understand their reasons without feeling obligated to wait for them. Therapy, whether in person or online, may be helpful in sorting through what you’re feeling and deciding how to proceed.
What are the obvious signs that she’s not ready for a relationship?
People who aren’t emotionally ready to enter into a committed relationship may show a hesitance to make things official, meet each other’s family and friends, or become closer in other significant ways. People who aren’t ready to be in a relationship with someone else in terms of maturity may show poor communication skills, difficulty controlling their own emotions, and unreasonable expectations.
What to do if she is not ready for a relationship?
If you want a romantic relationship but she’s telling you she’s not ready for one, it may be best to move on. Waiting and hoping for the possibility of her being ready in the future is a real risk that could end up with you being hurt.
Is it worth waiting for a girl who isn't ready for a relationship?
It can depend on the reason for her not being ready. If it’s that she’s too busy with school and will be more open to a future relationship once she graduates, for example, you can decide whether that’s a length of time you’re willing to wait. If she’s decided she’s not ready emotionally and doesn’t know when she will be ready, it may be best for you to accept reality, give up hope that it will happen eventually, and move forward toward healing. Otherwise, you may be missing out on some other possibility for happiness for yourself and your own life in the meantime.
How long should I wait for someone who isn't ready for a relationship?
Only you can answer the question of how long you’re willing to engage in spending time waiting for this person. Even if it feels like they’re the only person you want to be with, putting your life on hold for months or years could have significant consequences for your mental health and other relationships. If she’s given you a time frame, such as a few months, it could make sense to wait. If it’s open-ended, however, it may be best to break it off.
How do I give her space without losing her?
Finding the balance between giving someone space and trying to maintain a connection can be difficult. Two people who have decided not to be together or date have the freedom to hang out with and get to know another guy, woman, or person, and you can’t ask someone you’re not officially with to agree that you’re the only person they’ll make future plans with. In many cases, your best option is to respect her boundaries, show that you’re capable of dealing with your own emotions in a healthy way, and trust that she’ll return to you at some point if she feels that’s the right choice for her.
Does needing space mean it's over?
Needing space from another person doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is over, but it’s usually helpful to get clarification when someone asks for it. Are you still dating, or are you now just a friend? Is the point of the break to make decisions or figure something out about the future of the relationship, or just to reset and recharge? While everybody is entitled to space when they need it, sharing expectations for the time apart could help prevent either party from feeling confused.
Should I give her space if she's not ready for a relationship?
If someone told you a month ago they’re not ready for a relationship, continually asking is rarely a beneficial approach. Excessive amounts of reassurance-seeking or checking in may violate their boundaries and their need for space. If she tells you she’s not ready for a relationship, the recommended approach is typically to respect her request.
How can I win over a girl who doesn't want a relationship?
If a girl tells you she doesn’t want a relationship, the best approach is usually to hear and respect that. Trying to win her over can be disrespectful and may even come off as aggressive or threatening. Plus, this behavior could jeopardize any future relationship you may have—even if it’s as friends—because you’ve shown you aren’t willing to listen to and abide by her boundaries. Even if it feels like a divorce or a heartbreak to step back, doing so is usually the option that makes the most sense.
How do you stop loving someone who doesn't want a relationship to take care of your mental health?
For people around the world, it can be difficult to cope with the feeling of still loving someone you can’t be with. It’s rarely fun to sit in the feeling of missing someone, but everybody or many people will go through this type of situation at some point. Giving yourself time to grieve and start healing can be the first step. Finding something new to pour your energy into, like a hobby or a project, could help keep you distracted. Meeting new people, even just as friends, could be helpful too, as could speaking with a therapist to sort through your feelings.
How can you tell if she doesn't like you?
Someone who never initiates contact and seems hesitant to make plans together might not have the same feelings for you as you do for them. That said, the only way to know for sure is to communicate openly but respectfully about your feelings and desires and see how the other person responds.
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