What To Do When She’s Not Ready For A Relationship

“She says she likes me, but she’s not ready for a relationship.” 

“He loves me, but he doesn’t want to commit.”

“They’re interested in getting serious, but not right now.”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? If so, then you may already know how confusing it can be when someone seems to be interested in you but doesn’t want to take the next step forward in the relationship. When this happens, it can leave you at a loss regarding what to do. However, by understanding their possible reasons, practicing empathy, and tending to your own well-being, you may be able to move forward with more clarity. A licensed mental health professional can help you through this process via online or in-person therapy sessions.

What does it mean when someone says they’re not ready for a relationship?

When a potential partner tells you they aren’t ready to take the relationship further, it can be natural to feel frustration, embarrassment, or disappointment. It can be worth remembering that people may have various reasons for not pursuing something more serious. These reasons often have more to do with their own situation and history than with you. 

Some examples can include the following:

They don’t feel emotionally ready

It can be common for people to reflect on their own feelings and decide they aren’t ready for the emotions that may come with a serious relationship. They may realize they’ve jumped into dating too quickly, or that they need time to focus on their mental health before taking things further. They may also simply need more time to decide whether they’re on the right path before making a commitment. 

They want to let you down gently

When someone expresses interest, and the other person doesn’t feel the same way, they may say they aren’t ready for a relationship as a way to soften the rejection. This may come from a good place, but it can sometimes be a sign that they have trouble with honest communication. 

They have other things going on in their life

For some people, it’s simply a matter of having found the right person at the wrong time. Even when someone genuinely wants a relationship, they may have other life conflicts that would get in the way. Illnesses, family emergencies, major work events, travel, and financial struggles can all make it harder to dedicate time and energy to a relationship. 

They’ve recently gotten out of a relationship

Getting out of a relationship, especially a long-term one, can bring a lot of upheaval. It can be common for people to need time to process the emotions of the breakup before they can invest themselves in another person. They may also want to avoid a “rebound” relationship that could negatively affect both parties. 

Why she's not ready for a relationship: Fear of commitment

A fear of commitment may be another common reason someone might tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship. This can be a complex topic with a variety of possible causes, such as the following:

• Past traumas, such as a previous abusive relationship*, which can make it scary to be emotionally vulnerable again
• Low self-esteem or poor self-image
• An avoidant or disorganized attachment style
• Certain personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder
• Gamophobia, a specific phobia that causes a literal fear of marriage and romantic commitment

These are just a few reasons why someone might tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship. Getting familiar with these may help you understand the other person’s situation better and decide what to do next. 

Next steps

If the person you’re interested in has recently told you they aren’t ready for a relationship, it can be tricky to know what to do. While the right next move can depend on the situation, here are some general tips for moving forward.

Avoid making assumptions

As tempting as it may be, it can be best not to assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Try to avoid blanket statements like, “Most guys are ready to commit by now,” or “You just don’t know what you really want.” Instead, do your best to be empathetic and actively listen to what the other person says. Seek clarity and ask questions if needed. This may help you approach the situation with more understanding. 

Don’t put pressure on them

If you have strong feelings for someone, you may be tempted to try to push them to commit anyway. However, it can be important to respect their boundaries and avoid forcing them to move forward if they aren’t ready. Trust their judgment and avoid using manipulation or guilt to rush them into a relationship. 

Don’t feel obligated

If the other person isn’t ready for something serious and you are, you generally shouldn’t feel pressured to wait for them if you don’t want to. If they want a relationship with you, but just not right now, then it may be up to you to decide how much time you want to spend waiting. There may not be a single right or wrong answer, so it can be important to reflect on what’s best for your own happiness and act accordingly. 

Don’t forget your own mental health

No matter where things go next, it can be important to prioritize your well-being. Emotions can run high, and when you’ve invested a lot of time and energy in the other person, you may experience feelings of sadness or reduced self-esteem. It can help to focus on self-care, spend time with your loved ones, and give yourself some space if you need it. 

Therapy can be another useful resource for sorting through your feelings in situations like these. Talking to a mental health professional may help you decide what to do next, take care of yourself, and process the disappointment or frustration you may be feeling. If you’re noticing concerning mental health symptoms, a therapist may also be able to help you proactively address them. 

Benefits of online therapy

It can be difficult when someone you have feelings for tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship. In some cases, this experience can even contribute to symptoms of depression, such as low energy, reduced motivation, and sadness. This can make it hard to leave the house for an in-person therapy appointment. Online therapy may be helpful in these cases, empowering you to talk to a counselor from the comfort of your own home. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Online therapy can be effective at treating various mental health concerns, including depression. In 2019, researchers reviewed data from over 300 adults receiving internet-based therapy for depression. They found that, in general, online therapy significantly reduced the severity of their symptoms. 

Takeaway

Potential partners may not be ready for a relationship for various reasons, such as conflicting life events or a fear of commitment. While it can be tempting to make assumptions about their intentions or pressure them to commit anyway, this is generally not recommended. Instead, it can be helpful to try to understand their reasons without feeling obligated to wait for them. Therapy, whether in person or online, may be helpful in sorting through what you’re feeling and deciding how to proceed.