What To Value In A Relationship? Common Core Values & The Importance Of Shared Values

A person's core values can guide them in making decisions throughout life. Relationship-related values specifically guide their interpersonal behaviors. For this reason, knowing your own core values may be helpful in finding a like-minded partner and building a healthy relationship. Below, examine what many people value in a relationship, how to explore your own values and fundamental beliefs, and the mental health implications of a lack of shared relationship values. 

What are core values in a relationship?

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines a value as “a moral, social, or aesthetic principle accepted by an individual or society as a guide to what is good, desirable, or important.” In a romantic relationship, an individual’s core values can be thought of as guiding principles that influence their interactions with the other person and shape their vision for the future of the relationship and their life.

Examples of core values in a relationship: Communication, respect, and more

A person's core relationship values can vary depending on many factors. Still, specific values are common to hold in relationships, including but not limited to the following: 

• Communication: A preference for open and honest communication, along with regular check-ins
• Equality: Both partners have equal, mutual respect and equal say in decisions about their life together
• Commitment: Believing firmly in monogamy vs. non-monogamy or marriage vs. not getting married
• Personal growth: Wanting a partner who is also committed to lifelong learning and self-improvement
• Values related to daily life and relationships: For example, deciding whether you want children, or what your religious beliefs or practices may be

What to value in a relationship? Deciding what’s right for you 

What you value in a relationship can be highly personal. In general, people tend to hold a few key values in a relationship, as they can be signs of a healthy connection. Examples could include respect and appreciation. Aside from these, it can take time and reflection to identify your other core values related to relationships.

How people learn what to value in a relationship

Forming values can be a complex process. Many factors contribute to this situation, including culture, religion, media, and politics. One’s upbringing can also play a role, as children tend to learn by observing. Many people learn core relationship values from observing their parents, other family members, and other adults they grew up around. 

It can be a challenge to recognize and sort through the values that were instilled in you and think about other values you might want to cultivate. You may find it helpful to set aside a specific time as an adult to reflect on your core values, particularly before entering the dating scene or committing to a long-term relationship. 

Taking time to figure out what your relationship values are

Engaging in self-reflection can help you realize which relationship values you’ve internalized from your family, peers, or culture, and then decide whether you’d like to keep or adjust them. While this process is typically ongoing rather than a one-time event, sitting down to journal about your relationship values can be a helpful starting point. Questions that may help you in the discovery process can include the following: 

• How do I want my current or prospective partner to feel around me?
• What are three to five adjectives that describe my ideal partnership?
• What relationship dynamics do I want to avoid?
• What dynamics do I admire in the relationships of others?
• What do I need from a partner to know I’m being heard and supported?
• Which values can I identify based on what I envision for my future (e.g., where I want to live—somewhere close to nature, family, or a city)?
• What are my key political values?
• What are my financial habits, values, and goals, and how do I spend money? 
• What are the deal-breakers for me in a romantic relationship in terms of values or goals? 

Your relationship values may change somewhat over time. Aiming to stay in touch with them (and communicating any changes to your partner, if applicable) can help provide a foundation for a healthy, aligned, and satisfying relationship.

Communication of your values to current or prospective partners 

People tend to demonstrate their values through their actions. Still, it can also be helpful to talk about them explicitly, especially if you're in or planning to enter a long-term, committed relationship. Starting with the basics can be advisable, such as where you both want to live, whether you wish to get married or have children, your political beliefs, and other major, specific topics. Then, you might explore subjects such as how you both approach conflict resolution and your individual communication styles. 

The importance of having shared values in a relationship

Finding perfect value alignment with a partner may not be realistic, but some differences can keep your days interesting and help you grow together. However, ensuring you’re a match in terms of your most deeply held core values can be essential to the long-term health of your relationship.  For example, if one of you wants to have children and the other doesn’t, one wants to be monogamous and the other doesn’t, or one is deeply politically engaged when the other isn’t, the mismatch may cause significant conflict. 

Values about family, relationship style, and core political views are often discussed early in the dating process. When partners share common core values or similar core values, they can both be seen and aligned, work toward the shared life they want together, and potentially experience less or less severe conflict. 

Potential impacts of not having shared core values in a relationship

If you’re not on the same page about significant, long-term life goals, such as where you want to live or whether you wish to have children, it could lead to conflict, a breakup, divorce, or one person not achieving what they want out of life. The same can be true for partners who have significantly different values regarding aspects such as communication or personal growth. Mental health conditions like anxiety or depression could result, and ongoing stress could come to characterize the partnership. 

A lack of basic alignment on core values could negatively affect relationship health, relationship satisfaction, life satisfaction, and individual mental health. What you value and what your partner values don’t have to be exactly, perfectly aligned. However, the absence of some core values, like respect, trust, and empathy, may be a sign of an unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationship. 

How therapy can help you explore your relationship values and promote mental health

If you're having trouble identifying your own core values, you might benefit from speaking with a therapist. They can ask questions that help you get to the root of your beliefs, which can be the first step in expressing them to a current or prospective partner. If you're experiencing a mental health challenge, like high stress levels or symptoms of depression, a therapist can also help you address these. 

Online therapy for mental health

Discussing your personal values and relationships with a therapist can be a vulnerable process, so some people may prefer to engage from the comfort of their own home. With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed mental health professional and then meet with them via phone, video, or in-app messaging from anywhere with an internet connection. Plus, online therapy is often more affordable than in-person therapy without insurance. Research suggests that online therapy can typically be as effective as traditional treatment. 

Takeaway

Core values can be thought of as a compass that guides choices in life. In a romantic relationship, you may align with your partner on some basic core values to build a lasting relationship, as unhappiness, conflict, and mental health challenges can arise if not. Values can include respect and honesty, as well as factors such as whether you want children and how you manage your finances. If you're not sure of what your core values might be, self-reflection and working with a therapist can be helpful.