Why Do I Keep Dreaming About My Ex?

Theories about the subconscious

Dreams can often serve as a way to process and understand our emotions in real life. Much about dreaming and the subconscious mind is yet to be understood, so there’s no one, agreed-upon way to interpret distressing dreams. That said, a few different theories have been put forth about dreams. Considering the following dream frameworks may give you a starting point to try to make sense about why your ex may have been in your dream. Remember, however, that there’s currently no way to know for sure why we dream about the things we do. If you’re dreaming about certain topics like an ex, talking to a dream analyst about your experiences may be helpful.

• Psychodynamic theory. Freud theorized that dreams serve as a window to the unconscious mind. He was a psychologist and dream researcher who believed dreams directly related to waking experiences and could offer meaningful information when analyzed.  Freud’s theories led to many theories on why people have sex dreams, dreams about relationships, love, and connections and how the themes of these common dreams might be reflected in their real lives.
• Activation-input modulation (AIM). The AIM model proposes that dreams are a response to higher brain function and that the brain can provide a virtual reality model to “rehearse” real-world scenarios. 
• Neurocognitive theory. According to neurocognitive theory, dreams arise from stored memories. Unique dreams then occur as you process memories and experiences, meaning that settings and people from your waking life will appear in them. However, it posits that dreams are not necessarily tied to specific incidents. 

"Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?" 

Dreaming about an ex can leave you curious at best or unsettled and anxious at worst, especially if the relationship had significant issues, didn’t end well, or lacked closure. It’s generally not possible to tell exactly what it means when your ex-partner appears in your dreams, but you may be able to gain some insights about the reasons through the dream interpreting process. Often we assume it’s a wish fulfilment dream, but there are a number of other potential explanations for these dreams. To get started, you might read through a few of the possible interpretations about these dreams as listed below and see if any of them resonate with you.

You miss your ex

One of the most obvious reasons you may be dreaming about your ex is that you could be holding onto the past due to lingering love for your ex or similar wonderful feelings from long ago, even if you’re in a relationship with a new current partner. If you’re still thinking about them during your waking hours, that fixation may follow you into your dreams. This doesn’t mean you necessarily want to get back together with them, although it could. Instead, it could simply mean that you miss some elements of your relationship, or the familiarity and comfort it may have provided.

You want closure

You’re remembering trauma

If you experienced trauma while you were with your ex, such as abuse, your subconscious mind may be attempting to process it through your dreams. This could be happening because you weren't able to deal with your abusive ex in the moment, or because you have fear about a similar situation occurring again with a new partner in future relationships. Note that nightmares can be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), so if you experienced trauma in the past and are showing other signs of this mental health condition now, it’s typically recommended that you meet with a mental health professional like a certified dream analyst, for evaluation and support.

You recently saw your ex

Sometimes, the reason you may be dreaming of your ex can be as simple as you happened to see them during your waking hours in your real life. Perhaps you ran into them at the store, saw a post of theirs on social media, passed by a favorite restaurant you used to eat at together, or even received a call or message from them. Regardless of whether you have positive or negative feelings about your ex at the time, when this happens, it can bring up those memories, cause you to feel uncomfortable, and affect your dreams.

You’re feeling similar emotions about your ex

Another reason your ex appeared in your dream could be that something you’re currently experiencing reminds you of your time with them. For example, if you experienced low self-esteem during your relationship because of how your ex treated you and you’ve started feeling the same way with a new partner in your current relationship, your mind could be making those connections unconsciously. Or possibly they have a similar bad habit that bothers you. The same could happen as a result of a positive or neutral memory too, like attending an event with a friend or your current partner now that you had previously attended with your ex.

You’re moving on from your ex

If you felt calm, or like you wanted to get away from them, or indifferent about their presence, these could be signs that you have or are ready to move on from your ex emotionally.

Therapy with a certified dream analyst

A breakup often represents a significant life change, even if it was mutual and amicable. If there was conflict or trauma associated with the split, it can be even more difficult to move on regardless of your current life circumstances. If you’re having trouble processing a former relationship with a recent ex, are uncertain about a new relationship, or are simply looking for a nonjudgmental party to talk things out with, you might consider therapy. A therapist can help you explore what underlying issue may be causing dreaming about your ex and support you as you move forward with your life. 

Online therapy