“I Miss My Ex”: Preserving Mental Health When Reuniting
After a breakup, it’s normal to experience loneliness and grief for the loss of the relationship. It's even normal to think "does my ex think about me?" If your ex reaches out and wants to rekindle your relationship, these feelings can make it more difficult to evaluate whether getting back together is a good idea. Especially because, as professor and therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch emphasizes, old relationships are familiar and may seem easier than trying to get to know potential new partners. Taking the time to consider your past experiences in your relationship and evaluate what is motivating you to reconnect can help you determine whether getting back together is a good idea. A therapist can be a helpful support system in this process, as they can offer an unbiased perspective and help you weigh your choices.
“I miss my ex”: Validating your feelings about your relationship
Ending a relationship is often painful. You might find you start missing your ex and are unsure of what to do next. It is important to recognize that your thoughts and feelings are valid. The healing process looks different for everyone, and your timeline will be personal and unique to you. Spend time reflecting on your past relationship at your own pace.
Your happy memories with your ex will likely not disappear after your breakup, which can make moving on confusing. Intentionally grieving the good and bad of your relationship can be helpful. Healing is an active process, and it will take effort to build your future without your ex. Moving on is not always easy, but having support from loved ones or an impartial party like a mental health professional can be beneficial as you move forward.
Is getting back with an ex a good idea?
It is common for a person to experience lingering feelings following the end of a relationship — so common that an estimated 34% of people get back together with an ex at some point. If you are considering getting back together with your ex, weigh your experiences with that person and evaluate your motivations to reconnect. Taking this time to think more deeply about the situation can help you determine whether getting back together is a good idea.
It is important to first ask yourself, was there emotional abuse, physical abuse, or trust issues in your relationship? If so, it is important to recall that violence is often cyclical, and abusers tend to use manipulation and remorseful behavior to continue relationships. These relationships are dangerous to reengage in.
Even in relationships without domestic violence, research shows that people in repeat relationships (also known as “on-off relationship cycling”) tend to experience lower levels of fulfillment, sexual and need satisfaction, and love than they did in the relationship’s first iteration.
Considerations before getting back together with an ex
- Do you trust your ex?
- Are you both willing to forgive each other for previous wrongdoings or breaches of trust?
- Do you know what you need in a relationship, and are you both willing and ready to make necessary changes?
- Are you both willing to attend couples counseling?
- What are your reasons for wanting to get back together? (A 2011 study found that repeat relationships are more likely to be successful if they occur because of new insight or growth rather than a desire to reduce loneliness, be with someone familiar, or make a former partner feel better.)
If you are having trouble answering these questions or weighing the pros and cons of getting back together with your ex, you might want to put some effort into understanding your emotions. Journaling is an effective method for sorting through emotions, but if you think you would benefit from a professional opinion, a licensed therapist can also be of service in this regard.
Starting anew with an ex
If you have asked yourself the questions listed above and you think that getting back together is a good idea, there are a few steps you can take to help you rekindle a healthy relationship.
Steps to take before rekindling old flames
- Taking time for yourself.
- Progressing the relationship slowly so you can assess your needs as you go.
- Emphasizing clear communication.
- Designating time to check in together.
- Addressing the issues that you had in your prior relationship.
Though both partners may commit to making changes, it is often difficult to modify behavior in the long term without help. Consider attending couples counseling to work through potential issues as they arise.
What to do if your ex will not leave you alone
If your ex is repeatedly reaching out, it can be difficult to know how to respond. This situation can be especially complicated if you start dating someone new and your ex expresses unhappiness about your new relationship. The decision of whether to stay connected with your ex depends on your relationship history.
If you are still grieving your relationship with your ex, allowing space and time to heal away from that person may be the best path forward. You might decide that, for your own well-being, it will be best to limit contact or institute a no-contact rule with your ex.
Consider taking the following steps
- Get professional help from a therapist to help navigate the situation.
- Respectfully and firmly communicate your boundaries to your ex.
- Consider blocking your ex’s phone number to prevent unwanted calls and texts. If you and your ex are active on social media, it may make sense to block them on social media platforms as well so they cannot reach out to you that way either.
- Ask a trusted friend or family member to be a communication intermediary between you and your ex.
- Establish boundaries with other friends who may be passing messages from your ex to you.
- Focus on your own healing and practice self-care.
By following these steps, you can begin to move forward and create distance between yourself and your ex. It’s important to remember that, as an individual, you have a right to deny communication with them.
Recognizing and addressing harassment or stalking from an ex
If you have decided that you do not want your ex to communicate with you, and they are ignoring your wishes, this behavior may constitute harassment or stalking. Harassment and stalking are both criminal offenses. Legally, stalking includes a course of conduct that is intended to intimidate another person, whereas harassment encompasses behavior intended to annoy or otherwise bother another person. If you sense you are being harassed or stalked, contact your local law enforcement authorities for assistance.
If you or someone you know is being harassed or stalked, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for free 24/7 support.
Addressing mental health after breakups
Breakups are often stressful life events that can contribute to the development of mental health disorders like depression. On-off relationship cycling, in particular, is linked to prolonged distress in both same- and different-sex relationships. Reaching out for support can be helpful in learning effective coping strategies to help manage these challenging emotions and focus on taking care of yourself during this time.
Cognitive behavioral therapy
One type of psychotherapy that is often recommended following a breakup is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). During sessions, cognitive behavioral therapists help clients identify and modify unhealthy thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, with the goal of teaching clients how to address unhelpful thought patterns on their own. Cognitive behavioral therapy can be molded to fit the needs of each unique person, meaning that licensed practitioners can help navigate the unpredictability of a transition out of a relationship or stabilize the circumstances of returning to the relationship.
Consider seeking an online mental health professional
If you would be more comfortable discussing your emotions from the comfort of your own home, online therapy might be right for you. Research shows that online cognitive behavioral therapy is often as effective as in-person cognitive behavioral therapy. Online sites like BetterHelp also offer in-app messaging, so you can reach out to your therapist the moment you are feeling overwhelmed, and they will respond as soon as they can.
Takeaway
Past relationships often cause lingering emotions, which can be complicated feelings of sadness, loneliness, and grief. There are questions you can ask yourself to help you consider whether getting back together with your ex is a good idea, and journaling about your thoughts may help you evaluate your options. If you want to better understand your feelings about your former romantic partner, you can seek professional help from a licensed online therapist.
In therapy, you can discuss why you want to stop missing your ex and learn new strategies for managing your emotions. You can also explore healthy ways to reconnect with yourself, find closure, and move forward from a more positive place — whether your future is with your ex or without them.
Sometimes, staying separated is for the best. Physical and emotional abuse is never okay.
If you are worried about your safety, you should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for immediate help.
What do you do when you miss your ex?
When you miss your ex, it may be helpful to focus on your own happiness and take steps to prioritize your feelings. Moving forward can sometimes feel overwhelming, but taking your journey day-by-day might be helpful, rather than trying to get over your ex immediately. Because feelings after a breakup can be complex and intense, it’s typically better to wait until emotions have settled before taking big steps like trying to get back into a relationship with an ex-partner.
While your focusing on your recovery, you might want to take a few steps that benefit you exclusively. A common first step is to focus on maintaining good self-care. Self-care includes things like getting enough sleep, engaging in physical activity, and eating a healthy diet. You should also consider leaning on your support network by spending more time with friends and loved ones. Time spent with others is likely to help reduce feelings of loneliness, which are typically a big component of missing an ex. It’s also important to focus on your progress. A month after the breakup, you’ll likely feel much better than you did a month ago. Don’t deny the recognition of positive changes that have occurred.
Why do I miss my ex?
Missing an ex-partner after a breakup is a common experience, but the reasons that drive the feelings can vary from person to person. Emotional attachments and routines established during the relationship can create a sense of loss when they are disrupted. Human psychology tends to resist change, and a breakup introduces significant alterations to daily life and future plans, which can evoke a desire for the previous state of companionship. Often, people idealize the positive aspects of the relationship while overlooking the negatives, leading to an increased sense of nostalgia and longing for the relationship.
In addition, the breakup might highlight feelings of loneliness as the person adjusts to their former partner's absence. That loneliness will likely feel stronger in the first days and weeks after the breakup, and depending on its intensity, it may make it hard to remember why the breakup happened in the first place.
Is it OK to tell your ex you miss them?
Communication is nearly always acceptable as long as it is healthy and respectful. However, you might want to consider whether your desire to communicate your feelings to your ex comes from a healthy place. Loneliness and feelings of distress are common after a breakup, and sometimes those feelings can drive a person to make decisions that are not necessarily in their best interest. Before telling your ex you miss them, you might want to consider reaching out to family and friends for support. Positive social interactions can significantly reduce loneliness, even if those interactions are with people other than your romantic partner. You can also discuss potentially sharing your feelings with your ex; you may find that your friend group has insights to offer.
It is a completely normal experience to miss your ex after after a breakup. Loneliness tends to increase to higher levels than when you were previously single, as does general distress. Post-breakup distress can have significant impacts, potentially increasing depression and anxiety. However, while distress is very common, evidence suggests that declines in mental well-being following a breakup are temporary, typically lasting less than a year. In some cases, additional factors like extreme emotional dependence might complicate the process, but most people begin to feel better as time goes on.
Is it OK to cry when you miss your ex?
It is always OK to show emotion in a healthy, respectful way. Crying is generally considered a healthy way to show emotion, and it doesn’t mean you lack emotional independence, won’t ever get over the breakup, or don’t know how to cope. It is likely that bottling up emotions and refusing to express them at all will make it harder to recover in the long run, so taking time to let yourself grieve your past relationship may be especially important.
Why do I still care about my ex?
You might still care about your ex because, despite the relationship ending, you don’t see them as a person worthy of dismissal. Healthy relationships are not immune to breakups; many other factors can influence whether partners stay together. Consider how you felt in your relationship. If you have a toxic ex who did not treat you fairly, caring about them may not be in your best interest. However, if your relationship was generally healthy, the care you feel for them might just be an expression of how you feel about them as a person. Whatever the case, it is likely that focusing on your own self-worth and finding ways to stay busy will help you understand your feelings better as time goes on.
Should I contact my ex after three months?
You should strongly consider whether you want to contact your ex after three months. In some cases, it’s possible for a couple to reconcile and restart their relationship, but in most circumstances, it's typically best to let the relationship go. Even if you feel you have recovered from the breakup, consider examining what feelings you still have. Unresolved feelings can get in the way of finding a new person or other relationships and may skew your decision to try to enter a new long-term relationship with your ex.
Before reentering the dating scene with your ex or anyone else, it is typically a good idea to be sure that you have a firm understanding of your feelings. You might feel you connect with your ex in an amazing way that is difficult to replicate, but it’s important to take time to consider both the positive and negative aspects of your former relationship.
What role does social media play in me missing my ex?
Social media can significantly amplify feelings of missing an ex due to several factors.
How social media affects your thoughts about your ex
- Constant reminders: Seeing your ex's posts, photos, or even mutual friends' interactions can serve as constant reminders of your past relationship. These reminders can trigger memories and emotions, making it harder to move on.
- Idealization: Social media often presents a filtered version of reality. You may see only the best moments of your ex’s life, leading you to idealize the relationship and overlook its flaws. This can make you long for a version of the relationship that may not have actually existed.
- Comparison: Viewing your ex's social life can lead to unhealthy comparisons. If they appear happy or have moved on, it can create feelings of inadequacy or regret, intensifying your feelings of loss.
- Lack of closure: Social media can keep you connected to your ex in ways that prevent you from fully letting go. Seeing them regularly, even passively, can hinder the emotional distance needed to heal.
- Fear of missing out: If your ex is actively posting about new experiences, it can create a sense of missing out on their life, further complicating your ability to move on.
- Nostalgia: Social media memories or old posts can resurface, triggering nostalgia and rekindling feelings that may have been fading, leading to a resurgence of missing them.
These factors can create a cycle where social media continually stirs up emotions, making it harder to heal and move forward.
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