Reasons You May Need So Much Reassurance In A Relationship

Modern relationships can be complex and challenging to navigate. You’re not alone if you experience “rough patches” in your relationships, where connection, closeness, and security fluctuate. While healthy relationships may involve occasional moments where reassurance is given freely, seeking constant reassurance can be unhealthy. Still, some people find it challenging to feel secure in their relationships and may seek reassurance frequently, potentially due to factors such as low self-confidence or negative past experiences. 

Those who constantly seek reassurance may have lower-quality relationships than those who are confident that their relationship is stable. However, reducing the amount of reassurance a person desires may be possible. Learning to become more secure in a relationship—or recognizing when to leave—may lead to more stable and fulfilling romantic partnerships. 

Why do people seek reassurance in a relationship?

Seeking occasional reassurance in a relationship may be normal. However, frequent reassurance-seeking behaviors can be harmful to a connection. When a partner constantly asks for reassurance, it may indicate that they are insecure, in a low-quality relationship, or lack a secure attachment style. For example, in past personal experiences, they may have actively sought to confirm their partner's interest and ensure that their partner cares. 

In some cases, reassurance-seeking is a compulsion connected to a mental health condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder, and other conditions. A lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, misaligned love languages, and different attachment styles can also play significant roles.

What is a low-quality partnership?

Low-quality relationships can be defined differently for everyone, but some common themes may lead to insecurity, such as the following:

• One partner disregards the feelings of the other partner
• One partner is overly critical
• There’s no open communication or emotional support
• There’s an underlying sense of hostility
• Certain needs aren’t being met in your relationship

When these factors are present in a relationship, it can be challenging to believe you're loved and supported. In this case, each person may evaluate their relationship and recognize whether their needs are being met. If you’re in a relationship that you consider low-quality due to your partner's actions, it may be helpful to evaluate whether the relationship serves your mental and emotional needs. 

An emotionally manipulative or abusive relationship can also leave no room for security and stability, especially for those who are constantly needing reassurance. If your partner controls you, emotionally manipulates you, physically harms you, or causes you to doubt your perception of reality consistently, it may be crucial to learn the warning signs of abusive relationships. If you think your relationship is abusive, asking for reassurance can be a sign that you are being abused. Consider whether staying in the relationship is in your best interest. If you need help leaving, resources are available. 

Contrarily, if your partner behaves in a manner consistent with a healthy relationship, and you know you want the relationship to continue, it may be helpful to evaluate your attachment style. Insecure attachment styles may be a source of relationship difficulties. Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, a well-supported theory in developmental psychology. 

How childhood shapes adult relationships

Attachment theory was developed in the mid-20th century by John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst. Bowlby wasn’t a couple’s counselor or an expert in adult relationships, but instead spent his time working with young children. He observed that many children would become distressed when separated from their caregivers, often going to significant lengths to reestablish proximity to an absent parent. Bowlby speculated that attachment behaviors, such as crying and searching for their caregiver, were adaptive evolutionary responses to ensure that the child remained near their primary source of defense and security. 

Childhood and its impact on relationship attachment

Bowlby theorized that humans develop an attachment behavioral system at a young age to ensure they are safe and secure. According to Bowlby, the attachment system essentially “asks” the following question: Is an attachment figure nearby, reachable, and attentive? If the answer is “yes,” the child may know they are loved and secure. If the answer is “no,” the child experiences distress and may engage in insecure attachment behaviors. 

Years later, another scientist, Mary Ainsworth, expanded on Bowlby’s early observations related to attachment. She developed a specific research method called the “strange situation,” wherein young children and their caregivers are systematically separated and reunited in a laboratory setting. The unusual situation enabled Ainsworth to quantify attachment behaviors and their differences between young children. Her work led to the identification of three distinct attachment types: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant. A fourth attachment style, disorganized attachment (a mixture of anxious and avoidant), was added later. 

Secure children became upset when separated from their caregivers but were easily soothed when they returned. Anxious-resistant children became extremely distressed upon separation and resisted their parents’ attempts to calm them. Avoidant children weren’t particularly distressed by the separation but actively avoided parental contact when reunited. Ainsworth’s early attachment styles were initially applied only to children, but her work laid the groundwork for later advances in adult attachment theory.

Adulthood attachment

In 1987, researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver observed that many of the findings from early research on attachment theory also applied to adult romantic relationships. Hazan and Shaver argued that adult romantic relationships are attachments and are at least partially controlled by Bowlby’s attachment behavior system. If that were the case, it could mean that Ainsworth’s attachment types might also apply. 

Hazan and Shaver’s research, along with that of their contemporaries, delivered groundbreaking revelations to the fields of developmental, relationship, and social psychology. Evidence suggests that a person’s attachment style as a child may substantially impact how they select romantic partners, navigate relationships, and maintain security. Children with secure relationships with their parents were found to have healthy, well-adjusted romantic relationships, while children with anxious or avoidant attachments were more likely to experience relationship problems.

The four adult attachment types

Modern research has supported the assertion that human attachment can influence adult romantic relationships. However, the four attachment types described below are broad categories, and experts may measure attachment dimensionally rather than categorically. Despite this, the four attachment styles can help people understand how they perceive romantic relationships. 

Anxious attachment

If you seek a lot of reassurance in a relationship, you might have an anxious attachment style. Those with anxious attachment often have a negative self-view but a positive view of others. They might see their partner as their literal “better half” and deeply fear abandonment.

People with an anxious attachment style may also struggle to feel reassured and seek constant reassurance in a relationship regarding whether their partner loves them or whether everything is stable. Anxious attachment can cause clingy, demanding, and anxious behaviors. This style can lead to a desperate desire for reassurance.  

Avoidant attachment

Those with avoidant attachment often have a positive self-view and a negative view of others. They may not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and external validation. Adults with avoidant attachment often struggle to relate to their partner’s feelings and may question if someone who needs excessive reassurance is becoming dependent on them. 

Disorganized attachment

Those with disorganized attachment may oscillate between the features of anxious and avoidant attachment. They may seek frequent reassurance in relationships at one moment but become distant and withdrawn the next. People with disorganized attachment often struggle with emotional control and may struggle to trust others. They may also struggle to offer healthy reassurance to their partner. Although they often desire love and companionship, their fear of being hurt can lead them to avoid strong emotional attachments.

Secure attachment

Secure attachment is considered the “healthiest” attachment style. People who are securely attached often have high self-esteem and a positive view of others. Those securely attached to their partner enjoy spending time with them, but can also spend time alone easily. They may also be able to offer assurance to their partners without any trouble. If problems arise, they can be discussed with empathy and respect, as deeply rooted fears related to strong emotions often aren’t present. Adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partner and aren’t afraid to let their partner rely on them when necessary. 

The “secret” fifth attachment type

While four types of attachment are often used to categorize adult attachment, it is also possible to have a style between categories or shift between them. Adults are capable of growth and change and may be able to confront insecure attachment styles. A person's relationship with their parents in childhood doesn’t define them in adulthood, but they may put in extra effort to achieve stability in romantic relationships. Those who put in the work might reach the fifth attachment type, earned secure attachment. 

Earned secure attachment may evolve from confronting childhood experiences and understanding how they impact adult perceptions of healthy romantic relationships. Those with an earned secure attachment type have often mastered self-love, can comfortably exist in relationships, and experience few fears about not being accepted. This attachment style is similar to secure attachment, with the main difference being that individuals with an earned secure attachment may have a more profound awareness of the childhood factors that influenced their attachment style. 

Excessive reassurance-seeking in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Attachment styles are a theory in psychology, and other mental health challenges can lead to reassurance-seeking behaviors. One of the most common causes of reassurance-seeking is OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder involves obsessive and intrusive thoughts that often cause a significant amount of fear for an individual. Due to these obsessions, people with OCD develop compulsive behaviors to cope. 

Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common compulsions in OCD, as it can be observed in various forms. For example, someone with health-based OCD may seek reassurance by searching for their symptoms online. Someone with checking OCD might seek reassurance by checking if they locked the door. People with relationship OCD may seek reassurance from friends, family members, and partners when anxious about whether people “hate them” or to see if they’ve done “something wrong” that they aren’t aware of. 

The difference between OCD reassurance seeking and that caused by anxious attachment is the presence of intrusive thoughts, often related to one’s morals. For example, someone might have violent images in their mind that they do not want or frequent thoughts that others can read their mind. These types of fears can cause the compulsive urge to seek reassurance, along with other compulsions, such as avoiding specific locations or ignoring texts to prevent the possibility of rejection. Despite the intensity of these thoughts, OCD is treatable, often with exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). 

Support options

Working with a therapist in couples or individual therapy sessions may be an essential part of developing secure attachment or coping with a mental illness. Licensed marriage counselors and family therapists, in particular, are trained in managing relationship challenges, including excessive reassurance seeking. 

While therapy can be effective, barriers to in-person care can arise, such as anxiety, cost, or distance. In such cases, online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be beneficial. A person can meet with an online therapist from the comfort of their own home and have access to more mental health professionals than are available in their local area. Online therapists have the same training and qualifications as traditional therapists and use the same evidence-based tools to help clients with relationship problems involving reassurance-seeking behaviors. 

Online therapy offers nearly as many techniques as traditional therapy, and evidence suggests it is as effective as in-person options. An online therapist might offer cognitive-behavioral therapy to address attachment issues, tapping into the root cause of why some relationships require ongoing reassurance. In some cases, they might recommend another therapeutic approach, especially for people with certain mental health conditions like OCD. 

Therapists may also provide strategies and guidance on relationship skills or other areas that attachment issues can impact. For example, they might teach mindful breathing and other relaxation techniques to stay in the present moment when experiencing attachment anxiety.