Reasons You May Need So Much Reassurance In A Relationship

Modern relationships can be complex and challenging to navigate. You’re not alone if you have “rough patches” in your relationships where connection, closeness, and security wax and wane. While healthy relationships may involve rare moments where reassurance is given freely, it can be unhealthy to seek constant reassurance. Still, some people find feeling secure in their relationships challenging and may seek reassurance frequently, potentially due to various factors like low self-confidence or negative past experiences. 

Those constantly seeking reassurance may have lower-quality relationships than those confident that their relationship is stable. However, reducing the amount of reassurance a person desires may be possible. Learning to become more secure in a relationship—or recognizing when it's time to leave—may lead to more stable and happy romantic partnerships. 

Why do people seek reassurance in a relationship?

Seeking occasional reassurance in a relationship can be common, but healthy relationships often do not require a constant need for it. When a partner asks for reassurance constantly, it could mean they feel insecure, are in a low-quality relationship, or may not have a secure attachment style. For example, in past personal experiences, they may have actively sought to confirm their partner's interest and ensure that their partner cares. 

Low-quality relationships can be defined differently for everyone, but some common themes may lead to insecurity, such as the following:

• One partner disregards the feelings of the other partner
• One partner is overly critical
• There’s no open communication or emotional support
• There’s an underlying sense of hostility
• Certain needs aren’t being met in your relationship

In these cases, believing you are loved and supported in a relationship may be difficult. It can be crucial for each person to evaluate their relationship and recognize whether their needs are being met. If you’re in a relationship you consider low-quality due to the actions of your partner, it may be helpful to evaluate whether the relationship serves your mental and emotional needs. 

An emotionally manipulative or abusive relationship can also leave no room for security and stability, especially for those who are constantly needing reassurance. If your partner controls you, emotionally manipulates you, physically harms you, or causes you to doubt your perception of reality consistently, it may be crucial to learn the warning signs of abusive relationships. If you think your relationship is abusive, asking for reassurance can be a sign that you are being abused. Consider whether staying in the relationship is in your best interest. If you need help leaving, resources are available. 

Contrarily, if your partner behaves in a manner consistent with a healthy relationship, and you know you want the relationship to continue, it may be helpful to evaluate your attachment style. Insecure attachment styles may be a source of relationship difficulties. Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, a well-supported theory in developmental psychology. 

How childhood shapes adult relationships

Childhood and its impact on relationship attachment

Years later, another scientist, Mary Ainsworth, expanded on Bowlby’s early observations related to attachment. She developed a specific research method called the “strange situation,” wherein young children and their caregivers are systematically separated and reunited in a laboratory setting. The strange situation allowed Ainsworth to quantify attachment behaviors and how they differed between young children. Her work resulted in the identification of three distinct attachment types: secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant. 

Secure children became upset when separated from their caregivers but were easily soothed when they returned. Anxious-resistant children became extremely distressed upon separation and resisted their parent’s attempts to calm them. Avoidant children weren’t particularly distressed by the separation but actively avoided parental contact when reunited. Ainsworth’s early attachment styles still applied only to children, but her work formed the basis for later advances in adult attachment theory.

Adulthood attachment

In 1987, two researchers, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, noticed that many of the observations from early research into attachment theory might also apply to adult romantic relationships. Hazan and Shaver argued that adult romantic relationships are attachments and are at least partially controlled by Bowlby’s attachment behavior system. If that were the case, it could mean that Ainsworth’s attachment types might also apply. 

Hazan and Shaver’s research, along with that of their contemporaries, delivered groundbreaking revelations to the fields of developmental, relationship, and social psychology. Evidence suggests that a person’s attachment style as a child may substantially impact how they select romantic partners, navigate relationships, and maintain security. Children with secure relationships with their parents were found to have healthy, well-adjusted romantic relationships, while children with anxious or avoidant attachments were more likely to experience relationship problems.

The four adult attachment types

Modern research has supported the assertion that human attachment can influence adult romantic relationships. However, the four attachment types described below are broad categories, and experts may measure attachment dimensionally rather than categorically. Despite this, the four attachment styles can help people understand how they perceive romantic relationships. 

Anxious attachment

Avoidant attachment

Those with avoidant attachment often have a positive self-view and a negative view of others. They may not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and external validation. Adults with avoidant attachment often struggle to relate to their partner’s feelings and may question if someone who needs excessive reassurance is becoming dependent on them. 

Disorganized attachment

Those with disorganized attachment may oscillate between the features of anxious and avoidant attachment. They may seek frequent reassurance in relationships at one moment but become distant and withdrawn the next. People with disorganized attachment often struggle with emotional control and may struggle to trust others. They may also find it challenging to offer healthy reassurance to their partner. They want love and companionship, but their fear of being hurt can lead to avoiding strong emotional attachments.

Secure attachment

Secure attachment is considered the “healthiest” attachment style. Securely attached people often have a high view of themselves and others. Those securely attached to their partner enjoy spending time with them but can also spend time alone easily. They may also be able to offer assurance to their partners without any trouble. If problems arise, they can be discussed with empathy and respect, as deeply rooted fears related to strong emotions often aren’t present. Adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partner and aren’t afraid to let their partner rely on them when necessary. 

The “secret” fifth attachment type

While four types of attachment are often used to categorize adult attachment, it is also possible to have a style between categories or shift between them. Adults are capable of growth and change and may be able to confront insecure attachment styles. A person's relationship with their parents in childhood doesn’t define them in adulthood, but they may put in extra effort to achieve stability in romantic relationships. Those who put in the work might reach the fifth attachment type, earned secure attachment. 

Earned secure attachment may evolve from confronting childhood experiences and understanding how they impact adult perceptions of healthy romantic relationships. Those with an earned secure attachment type have often mastered self-love, can comfortably exist in relationships, and experience few fears about not being accepted. This attachment style is similar to secure attachment, with the main difference being that those with an earned secure attachment may have a more significant awareness of the childhood factors that influenced their attachment type. 

Excessive reassurance-seeking in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Attachment styles are a theory in psychology, and other mental health challenges can lead to reassurance-seeking behaviors. One of the most common causes of reassurance-seeking is OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder involves obsessive and intrusive thoughts that often cause a significant amount of fear for an individual. Due to these obsessions, people with OCD develop compulsive behaviors to cope. 

Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common compulsions in OCD, as it can be observed in various forms. For example, someone with health-based OCD may seek reassurance by searching for their symptoms online. Someone with checking OCD might seek reassurance by checking if they locked the door. People with relationship OCD may seek reassurance from friends, family members, and partners when anxious about whether people “hate them” or to see if they’ve done “something wrong” that they aren’t aware of. 

The difference between OCD reassurance seeking and that caused by anxious attachment is the presence of intrusive thoughts, often related to one’s morals. For example, someone might have violent images in their mind that they do not want or frequent thoughts that others can read their mind. These types of fears can cause the compulsive urge to seek reassurance, along with other compulsions, such as avoiding specific locations or ignoring texts to prevent the possibility of rejection. Despite the intensity of these thoughts, OCD is treatable, often with exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). 

Support options

Working with a therapist in couples or individual therapy sessions may be an essential part of developing secure attachment or coping with a mental illness. Licensed marriage counselors and family therapists, in particular, are trained in managing relationship challenges, including excessive reassurance seeking. 

While therapy can be effective, barriers to in-person care can arise, such as anxiety, cost, or distance. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples may be valuable. A person can meet with an online therapist without leaving home and have more mental health professionals than are available in their local area. Online therapists have the same training and qualifications as traditional therapists and use the same evidence-based tools to help clients with relationship problems involving reassurance-seeking behaviors. 

Does online therapy actually work?

Online therapy offers nearly as many techniques as traditional therapy, and evidence suggests it is as effective as in-person options. An online therapist might offer cognitive-behavioral therapy to address attachment issues, tapping into the root cause of why some relationships require ongoing reassurance. In some cases, they might recommend another therapeutic approach, especially for people with certain mental health conditions like OCD. 

Therapists might also provide strategies and guidance regarding relationship skills or other areas that can be affected by attachment problems. For example, they might teach mindful breathing and other relaxation techniques to stay in the present moment when experiencing attachment anxiety.