What To Do When You’re Wondering, “Why Does Love Hurt So Much?”
Throughout history, love has been the subject of countless poems, stories, and art pieces. While some of these celebrate the joy and bliss that come with love, many focus instead on the pain that it can also bring. So why does love hurt so much sometimes? While this type of pain can be indicative of problems in a relationship, it can also be a normal occurrence due to chemical changes in the brain. Let’s take a look at some of these changes to gain a bit of insight into potential reasons why love hurts sometimes, and then we’ll offer a few tips on what to do if love is causing you pain.
A brief cultural and scientific history of love
Throughout history, people have had various interpretations of what causes complex feelings like love and why they affect us the way that they do.
Early conceptions of love
The ancient Greeks believed that there were several different types of love. Depending on the context, love could come in various forms—romantic, familial, playful, etc.
Europeans in the Middle Ages believed that love between people resided in the heart. Therefore, the heart became the symbol of romantic love for years, and terms like “broken heart” became commonplace.
During the Renaissance, artists, writers, and philosophers focused on the ancient Greeks’ ideas regarding love. These thinkers emphasized the importance of platonic love, which is a deep, spiritual form of love.
Modern theories of love
It was only in the 20th century that researchers began considering the idea that part of loving feelings could be attributed to chemical processes in the body. First, pheromones were believed to play a role in attracting people and pair bonding them. This theory became more popular when it was discovered that this was how insects and animals attract one another for breeding purposes.
However, by the 1970s, the endorphin theory of love had overtaken the pheromone theory of love. It posits that neurotransmitters like endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine are released in the brain during the early stages of love, creating an attachment to another person over time.
Today, the more widely accepted view of feelings of love is that they result from a combination of factors. These may include the chemical reactions caused by a love neurotransmitter along with unconscious psychological and emotional desires or triggers. Together, these factors can create a state of euphoria that people may experience when they are in love.
Why does love hurt so much?
Why does love hurt? To better understand this concept, it might help to consider what happens in the brain when a person falls in love.
The neurochemistry of love
There’s a flurry of chemical releases that can cause different effects. According to an article on the Harvard Medical School blog, these include:
A flood of chemicals in the area of the brain that's associated with rewards, which can produce both physical and emotional responses: a racing heart, flushed cheeks, sweaty palms, feelings of passion, feelings of anxiety
Lower levels of serotonin, which may be responsible for the “intrusive, maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love”
An increase in dopamine, which makes love “a pleasurable experience similar to the euphoria associated with the use of cocaine or alcohol”
A deactivation of the neural pathway responsible for negative emotions like fear and social judgment
Knowing this, it becomes easier to see how the experience of love can set a person up for a ride on an emotional roller coaster. The pleasure and reward center of our brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals while other areas experience a depletion of different chemicals, potentially leading to a push-and-pull of positive and negative emotions. Plus, the deactivation of the pathway responsible for negative emotions can lead us to ignore red flags in a new relationship, resulting in a crash later on when conflict arises or things don’t work out.
The neurological effects of rejection
Even if the emotions you feel when you’re in love are largely positive and exciting, it can be painful when these wear off, aren’t reciprocated, or lead to a relationship that isn’t healthy or a good fit. Research shows that the pain a person feels when they’re rejected activates the same part of the brain associated with physical pain, which explains why this type of emotional distress can feel so real and so acute.
For example, neuroimaging studies have examined regions of the brain associated with those who are hurt by love and found an overlap with brain regions involved in processing physical injury. This may be one reason why people report feeling physical pain when they feel emotionally hurt.
What to do when love hurts
When you find that love starts causing you pain, it may be time to take a step back and analyze your situation. No romantic relationship is perfect, and pain is an inevitable part of virtually all of them. However, there may be times when the pain your relationship is causing is enough to prompt you to take action. Only you can decide what your limit is in this regard: whether to work on the relationship or wait for things to change, or to end it.
Lean on your social support network
In some cases, it may be your own underlying beliefs or issues that are causing you to feel pain in regards to your romantic relationship. Try reflecting on your situation to get to the root of what’s making you unhappy. Could low self-esteem be leading to conflict? Is it possible that undiagnosed depression or anxiety are impacting your ability to relate to your partner in a healthy way? Is relationship insecurity causing tension? Being honest with yourself about where the problems are coming from can help you decide how to move forward. Journaling and therapy are two common ways to uncover these.
Communicate with your partner
If your current romantic relationship is causing you pain, communicating with your partner can help. By being honest and open about your feelings, the two of you may be able to gain insight into how to move forward. There may be a way to resolve your key pain points together. For instance, research suggests that couples who express affection in their partner’s primary love language have higher relationship satisfaction. That means learning each other’s most valued forms of receiving love could help solve the problem of feeling neglected or disconnected. Whatever the problem may be, communication is often the first step towards a possible resolution.
Ask a therapist, “Why does love hurt so much?”
Dealing with the complicated emotions that can come with being in love may feel overwhelming or frustrating at times. Meeting with a licensed therapist can help you work through these feelings and find healthy ways to manage them. A trained counselor can also provide a valuable third-party perspective on your dynamic with your partner, and they can help you build stronger communication and conflict-resolution skills. If an undiagnosed mental health condition like depression or anxiety is contributing to the pain you’re feeling, they can help you address this as well.
Consider online therapy
Research suggests that online therapy can be an effective treatment for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. It can also be a cost-effective option for those who are seeking the advice of a counselor for other reasons, such as wanting help coping with difficult emotions. Virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed therapist who you can speak with via phone, video call, and/or chat. Read on for reviews of BetterHelp therapists from individuals who have sought their help.
Takeaway
Why does losing love hurt so much?
The pain of losing love is often both psychological and physical. For example, you might mourn the loss of that person in your life, the future you may have had together, or the security of a relationship. Losing love can be hard on our self-esteem and make us feel like there’s something wrong with us or we’re not good enough.
Losing love can also significantly impact us on a neurological level. When we fall in love, the brain releases hormones like oxytocin and the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin. These chemicals make us feel happy, secure, and “addicted.” When we lose love, these chemicals decrease, leaving us in pain and with “love withdrawal.”
Can you fall back in love with someone you fell out of love with?
It is possible to fall back in love with someone you’ve fallen out of love with if you want to and are willing to spend time and effort on your relationship. Here are some suggestions for rekindling your romance:
Reflect on why you fell in love in the first place
Think back on the things that interested you about that person when you first met. What made them seem attractive to you? What made the relationship meaningful in the past? Reconnecting with those memories can help reignite the affection. They might still have those qualities, but they become harder to recognize when you’re distracted by the stress of everyday life.
Communicate openly
Talk with them honestly about your feelings, both then and now. Ask for their honest point of view. It might require some courage and vulnerability on your part, but addressing unresolved issues can help you better understand and move forward.
Let go of resentment
Many relationships have lingering pain and disappointment that, when unaddressed, can lead to resentment. Holding on to such negative emotions can present barriers to rebuilding your love. You may need guidance from a relationship counselor who can help you process your feelings, heal, and forgive.
Focus on gratitude and positivity
Resolving past conflict is essential, but so is focusing on the positive aspects your partner has to offer now. Appreciate their unique qualities and express gratitude for the little things they do to rebuild affection. Positivity is contagious; when you share yours, chances are they'll adopt a more positive state of mind, too.
Reconnect emotionally
Spend time together in a way that allows you to cultivate emotional intimacy. Go on dates, spend quality time alone, and share in activities you both enjoy. This might help you “rediscover” each other and nurture a deeper connection.
Reconnect physically
There is often a bidirectional relationship between physical attention and emotional connection. Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, or snuggling on the sofa can reignite physical attraction, strengthening the overall relationship.
Share new experiences
Sometimes, our daily routines can get in the way of romance. Exploring new places, trying new things, taking on challenges, or learning something new together can help you see your partner in a fresh light. Sometimes, novelty helps rekindle the romance.
How do you let go of someone you love?
Letting go of someone might take time, and it requires taking good care of yourself and prioritizing your well-being. Pay attention to your physical and emotional needs. Focusing on your healing might mean cutting contact completely, at least for a while. Unfollow, block, or hide them on social media. Try to avoid running into them in places you both frequent and navigate your social life to reduce or eliminate contact.
It might feel tempting to avoid or distract yourself from your feelings right now, but pushing them away won't help. Allow yourself to process and embrace your feelings so you can eventually let them go. Seek support from and share your feelings with people you trust—whether it’s friends and family or a mental health provider who can help you learn to cope.
Journaling, meditation, and spending time in nature can be healing during times of emotional distress. Exercise, eat well, and get plenty of sleep to care for your physical health. Engage in activities that bring you joy. Learn something new or set personal growth milestones to work towards self-betterment. Remember to be kind to yourself throughout this challenging time. Show yourself the same compassion you would show a good friend. You deserve to heal and move on healthily.
Can someone love you and still hurt you?
It is possible for someone who loves you to hurt you, unintentionally or otherwise. People hurt the ones they love because there's been a misunderstanding, or they may have an unhealthy attachment style. They might push you away because they are afraid or have trust issues. Sometimes, people with impulsive tendencies can hurt the ones they love. The same is true for people with challenges regulating their emotions.
If you're in a relationship with someone who you know loves you but still hurts you, consider going to couples counseling. A counselor can help you identify the underlying reasons for their behavior, how you fit into the dynamic, and how to improve your relationship. They'll teach you how to communicate better, resolve conflicts sensitively and productively, and move forward with a stronger bond.
Why do I still love someone who hurt me?
There are many reasons why people still love someone who hurt them, and it isn’t an uncommon experience. The key is to be kind to yourself. Here are some reasons why you might still love someone, even though they hurt you:
You’ve developed an emotional bond: Breaking strong bonds of love can be difficult, and it doesn’t usually just disappear because of hurt. Love can persist despite the damage done.
You’re hoping things will change: Sometimes, people hold onto love because of the hope that the person who hurt them will change or that the relationship will improve.
You’re caught up in nostalgia: You might still love them because of the positive memories and the connection you once shared. Focusing on the good times can sometimes make it hard to let go, even if those times feel distant.
You’re afraid to be alone: You may want to stay together because the idea of being alone or starting over can be overwhelming. You might fear losing their companionship or because you’re afraid you won’t find someone else.
You have an insecure attachment style: You might stay with someone who hurt you because you were exposed to turbulent or unhealthy relationships during your formative years. Sometimes, past experiences influence the type of attachment style we develop later. Tumultuous relationships might feel familiar and difficult to leave behind.
You have a lack of closure: A lack of closure or unresolved issues might keep you emotionally invested in the relationship. Your mind may still be trying to process the pain, causing you to cling to the person.
Why does falling in love hurt?
Falling in love can feel exhilarating but also bring pain. When we fall in love, we often become more emotionally vulnerable, opening ourselves up to the potential for rejection, hurt, or disappointment. Furthermore, love can be uncertain, especially in the beginning. You might stress over whether you might get hurt or the other person feels the same.
The fear of losing that person can become very real when you're in love. Even if the relationship is going well, this fear can lead to anxiety and emotional pain because the idea of life without that person might feel devastating. Love can also bring insecurities to the surface. You may question whether you’re good enough, if you’re lovable, or if you deserve the love you’re receiving.
Additionally, love often brings out strong, intense emotions—from joy to fear to longing. These highs and lows can feel overwhelming, and the “emotional rollercoaster” can sometimes cause stress or sadness, even in a healthy relationship. Finally, as you fall in love, you might become emotionally dependent on the other person. The attachment can create feelings of longing or emotional need, which can lead to hurt if not reciprocated or balanced.
Why did I hurt someone I love so much?
Hurting someone in this way can leave you feeling ashamed and regretful. However, emotions like stress, frustration, or fear can sometimes overwhelm us, causing behaviors we don’t mean (or even fully understand). In some cases, underlying issues in the relationship or within ourselves—such as insecurity, unresolved pain, or unspoken needs—can surface in hurtful ways.
If you want to help them heal, consider opening up to the person you hurt and telling them how much you care. Take responsibility for your actions and reflect on why things happened the way they did. You may learn things about yourself and how you approach relationships that you can use to be a better partner.
How do I stop hurting the one I love?
Take time to reflect on the patterns that lead to your hurtful behavior. Is it caused by stress or insecurity? Do you have unresolved issues or resentments? Work on self-awareness and pay attention to any emotions or situations that lead to negative behavior—understanding the how and why can help you address the core issue. Additionally, this type of emotional intelligence can help you respond more thoughtfully in the future.
Try to see things from their perspective and understand how your actions make them feel. What would help them feel more loved and secure? Apologize sincerely, acknowledge their pain, and take responsibility for your actions. A genuine, empathetic apology shows you’re committed to change.
Why does love always end in pain?
While love doesn’t always end in pain, It might feel it sometimes. This perception often arises from the deep emotions love brings and the complexities of relationships. Here are a few reasons why love can be painful when it ends:
It changes how your brain functions
When we fall in love, our brains are flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals can create an overall sense of well-being that reinforces loving behaviors. This process is similar to what happens when we become addicted to something. Therefore, when love ends, we go through similar painful withdrawal symptoms that other addictions present.
It’s a big investment
Love is often a high emotional investment involving vulnerability and deep commitment. The more invested you are, the more likely it will hurt if things don't work out. Whether you've broken up or are just growing apart, the bond makes the pain of losing that connection feel intense and overwhelming.
It doesn’t meet your expectations
People often have hopes and expectations about love and how relationships should go. When those expectations aren't met, it can be extremely disappointing, frustrating, or even heartbreaking. Whether it’s because of strife, incompatible goals, unfulfilled promises, or personal growth taking people in different directions, unmet expectations can be extremely painful.
It can cause rejection
Fear of rejection or abandonment can cause pain, even in stable and ongoing relationships. This underlying anxiety might make you hyper-aware of things that could go wrong, turning love into a source of worry or sadness. If rejection or betrayal does happen, the emotional toll is immense.
Do guys remember the girl they hurt?
While everyone’s situation is different, most guys do remember the girl they hurt. In some cases, remembering the girl they hurt can be a good thing. For example, hindsight might give them a different perspective on the relationship and how they behaved. They might learn and grow as people after they hurt someone. Additionally, they might learn to recognize similar hurtful behaviors in themselves in future relationships.
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