Pornography and a person's porn consumption are intimate subjects and can be uncomfortable to address, even in a close relationship. If your boyfriend is seeking sexual satisfaction by watching pornographic videos or looking at photos of other people, you may feel betrayed, jealous, confused, or upset. These feelings are natural, and you're not alone. Studies indicate that pornography use can sometimes have adverse impacts on a relationship.
If you suspect your boyfriend or husband is looking at porn, there could be several causes. A therapist can help you pose a challenging conversation by helping you identify what bothers you and find a solution that makes you feel respected and validated. With or without a mental health diagnosis, therapy can help you improve your relationships, develop emotional awareness, and set healthy boundaries.
Is it normal to feel upset that my boyfriend watches porn?
Matters of a sexual nature may be challenging to discuss in romantic relationships, including the usage of porn. However, with increasing sexual awareness in society, some discussions are shifting to the significance of sex and pornography, allowing these topics to be more normalized and understood.
Porn consumption is part of a billion-dollar industry. For this reason, some people feel concerned about their partner developing a porn habit. These individuals might ask themselves, "What are the reasons that my partner watches porn when he knows it bothers me?" A mixture of feelings can arise, including the desire to leave the relationship.
It can be helpful to note that many partners feel this way for many reasons. Some people might experience jealousy, while others detest the commonly violent and sexist scenes against women in many pornographic videos. Knowing a partner watches potentially harmful imagery if you share an identity with someone in those videos can be painful.
Why does he watch porn?
Some people feel watching porn is a form of cheating in a relationship. Whether porn is classified as cheating in your relationship is up to you and your partner's discretion. If you believe pornography constitutes cheating, talking to your partner about these beliefs can be helpful. Some may leave a relationship if they're uncomfortable with this behavior and their partner is unwilling to change it.
Intimate relationships often involve more than physical desire. For some couples, the emotional component, complete with intense feelings and affection, connects and ties them together. This emotional connection may be part of what causes you discomfort when your partner watches porn. Below are a few reasons a person might watch porn while in a committed relationship.
To look at attractive adults
An individual may feel the urge to look at attractive people online. In these cases, it's not uncommon for their partner to feel insecure or compare themselves to the actors in porn. As many of these actors are trained in certain positions, wear makeup, or have had changes made to their bodies, it can create an unrealistic standard that can make people of all genders want to change their bodies or offer the same level of attraction to their partners.
Sexual gratification
Some people use porn to masturbate or find sexual gratification. Whether this is due to mismatched sex drives, an unsatisfactory sex life, or a desire for personal gratification, it may impact a partner. Although masturbation is healthy and normal, the scenes and messages in pornography may concern a partner. Depending on the type of porn your partner looks at, you might wonder why they're interested in specific themes they haven't brought up with you. In some cases, partners find out their partners are watching porn with disturbing or abusive imagery.
If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.
To understand a sexual desire or sexual orientation
Some people watch porn to learn more about themselves or a specific desire or fantasy they're interested in exploring in their sex lives. For example, they might look for bodies that represent them in porn, such as other trans people or gay couples, if they haven't had sexual education around these types of sex. Others might look for a specific fetish they haven't communicated with their partner and want to explore further.
In these cases, communication may be beneficial between both parties to understand the extent of this behavior and whether both people can meet their desires in the relationship.
Peer pressure
Watching porn could also be a result of peer pressure. For example, your boyfriend might choose to watch porn because his friends share the videos in a group chat and normalize the content within. He might worry that not commenting on these videos or talking about porn with his friends would make him an outsider in the group.
Addiction
If your partner's porn habits have a debilitating effect on your relationship or their life, it may be considered a porn addiction. Porn addiction is a form of behavioral compulsion that can cause someone to watch porn, even when they don't want to. They might watch porn in strange situations or struggle to orgasm during sex due to their consumption. It can be normal for a partner to worry about these habits. In these cases, couples or individual therapy might be beneficial.
Why does it bother me when my boyfriend watches porn?
There are several reasons your boyfriend's porn consumption might bother you. Your feelings are valid, and many people share your sentiments. Below are a few causes you might choose to discuss with your boyfriend or a professional to move forward. You may also choose to leave your relationship.
Jealousy
Some people feel jealous when their boyfriends look at pornography. They might feel jealous that he is looking at other bodies or finding other people attractive. Others might feel jealous because their boyfriend is partaking in interactive pornography like webcam rooms or accounts where he can message sex workers and ask for personalized content. These forms of pornography might be considered cheating by some people, which can cause further feelings of jealousy, pain, and betrayal.
Body comparison
Pornography showcases many body types, but popular porn often focuses on specific characteristics that may be unrealistic. For example, porn might showcase women of a smaller body type with body augmentations. In addition, these actors and actresses may make exaggerated or painful movements or facial expressions that can be unrealistic to what an average individual can accomplish in real life. If you feel your body doesn't match up to that of the individuals in porn, this may be a cause for feeling betrayed.
Differing opinions
Some couples have differing opinions about porn. For example, one partner might believe porn is a form of cheating while the other feels it is a healthy habit. Couples can differ as well. Some couples watch porn together as a form of sexual gratification during intimacy. Others may abstain completely and find that porn makes for an unwelcome distraction. Whatever you feel about porn is valid. Conversing with your partner about their opinions and deciding your boundaries may be beneficial in this situation.
The content
If you're worried about the content your partner is consuming in porn, you're not alone. Studies have found that pornography is often associated with moral incongruence, where an individual's porn preferences are not aligned with their values. For this reason, people may watch pornographic content that is unhealthy or has biases toward specific genders, body types, LGBTQ+ identities, or races. These unhealthy topics may cause a partner to feel unsafe, insecure, scared, or worried about their boyfriend's beliefs and morals.
Boundaries
Setting boundaries about what you will and won't accept in a relationship can be healthy. If you're uncomfortable having a relationship with someone who watches porn, you're not alone. Communicating to your partner about what you can accept may help you move forward. However, if you find that they are unwilling to stop watching porn, it might benefit you to create a pros and cons chart about how you want to move forward. You can organize the list into four categories, including the following:
- · Pros of leaving the relationship due to my boyfriend's porn usage
- · Cons of leaving the relationship due to my boyfriend's porn usage
- · Pros of staying in the relationship while my boyfriend watches porn
- · Cons of staying in the relationship while my boyfriend watches porn
- · Pros of trying professional help, such as couples therapy
- · Cons of trying professional help, such as couples therapy
As you go through each list, consider which of the pros and cons stand out most for you, and make a decision about how to move forward.
How to talk about it
If you have decided to continue your relationship, talk to your partner about these fears and be honest about why you're concerned with their habits. For some, a partner offering reassurance and clarity upfront about their porn usage or sharing their watch history is enough to find a balance or compromise. For others, reassurance may not be enough.
If you've been previously "dropping hints" about your discomfort to your boyfriend, he may not have picked up on how you feel. Talking to him directly about your concerns about his porn usage and how it's affecting you, your affection towards him, and your relationship may help you fully address these issues. If you haven't previously discussed this topic, you might find that your boyfriend is comfortable ending his usage for you.
Why do I feel anxious talking about it when my boyfriend watches porn?
It can be normal to feel anxious about having a conversation if you're concerned it could bring up conflict. To make the conversation more accessible, plan steps to take when talking to your partner. Outline what is critical for you to address, including the reasons you feel porn is harmful to your relationship and how it affects you both. Find a safe moment to discuss these habits where you and your partner can leave the conversation if needed. For some, this location might be a couples therapist's office.
During the discussion, speak directly to your boyfriend about the facts of the situation. You can bring research with you if it helps explain your concern. Try not to call your partner names or accuse them of deliberately choosing to harm you unless you feel this is true. Offer examples and open the floor for them to talk to you about their motives. If you've decided to stay in the relationship, let them know what you need to feel comfortable moving forward.
If your boyfriend refuses to acknowledge your concerns, claims it’s not a big deal or that it’s a healthy thing guys do, or watches porn behind your back after saying he won't, you might find that your boundaries are not respected and choose to leave the relationship. If you believe there may be an underlying factor going into this behavior, you might also choose to reach out to a couples therapist together to discuss how to find a resolution.
Is it an addiction?
Porn use can become an addiction if it adversely affects one's life and relationships. Individuals addicted to porn may seek euphoria from an orgasm, connection, or sexual gratification. Some might watch it as a response to trauma.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Some people lose interest in having sex with their partners due to porn. They may prefer engaging in masturbation, which can cause their partner to feel insecure or hurt. If they have an addiction or dependency on porn, they might find it difficult to stop watching it. They may experience pain from frequent masturbation or watch porn in unhealthy scenarios.
What are the signs my boyfriend watches porn because he has a porn addiction?
Porn addiction can manifest in different ways, but it is often characterized by multiple consequences in daily functioning. Your boyfriend may become distant, have unrealistic expectations of you during sex, lack interest in previously pleasurable activities, or stop having sex to watch porn.
How a mental health professional can help
If you suspect your partner may be addicted to porn, consider encouraging him to seek professional help. If you feel the addiction has negatively impacted you beyond support, you may choose to leave the relationship and reach out for individual support. You're not alone, and the impacts this behavior can have on you are not your fault.
If you need to talk to someone or develop coping mechanisms, you may want to consider therapy. Online therapy from BetterHelp can help you gain confidence in yourself and properly address issues with your partner through healthy, open communication. It can also offer you an external source of professional support, which can help you identify why your boyfriend’s porn habits may be an issue for you and him.
Recent research has proven that online therapy is effective in a variety of situations including couples therapy and addiction recovery. It has been shown to be just as effective as in-person therapy solutions for a fraction of the cost and time commitment.