Why knowing how to focus on yourself in a relationship is an essential skill

Many people have different definitions of what makes a relationship strong. For some, the strength of their relationship is measured purely by the amount of time spent together. It is not uncommon to come across potentially harmful views about spending time alone while in a relationship. Some people even suggest that spending time away from a romantic partner to socialize with friends or family is inappropriate or that once two people become a couple, they are expected to spend every free moment together. These views are not supported by relationship experts and are likely unhelpful. This article will discuss how to focus on yourself in a relationship as well as the importance of doing so.

Why should you focus on yourself?

Love is a complex neurochemical process that can alter how you think, feel, and behave. The processes at work in the brain during a new romantic partnership may cause you to lose sight of previously held goals, aspirations, or beliefs. You might also neglect old friendships or spend less time with the people you care about. Over time, your deviation from your own identity could lead to resentment and may sour what were once intoxicating feelings of love. 

Investing in yourself is likely necessary to maintain good self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being. It is also likely that personal growth and focusing on your own happiness will allow you to bring more to your relationship, not less. Many people find a person who invests in themselves attractive, and striving to be your best self may make your partner more attracted to you. 

You are not self-centered if you attend to your own needs. In fact, setting boundaries to ensure you meet your needs is considered an essential part of a healthy relationship. Continuing to invest in yourself and grow as a person keeps you in touch with your authentic self and gives your partner plenty of opportunities to support you as you are. Similarly, taking time alone, away from your partner, friends, or family is an important part of socio-emotional well-being and overall mental health.

Evidence suggests that increasing the time you spend with a romantic partner is likely to increase relationship satisfaction and overall well-being, but only if the relationship is already happy and healthy. If one or both partners report low satisfaction, increasing the amount of time together is unlikely to be helpful. Take time to focus on only you likely increase relationship satisfaction by bolstering your overall well-being and allowing additional opportunities to share things with your partner. 

How to begin focusing on yourself

If you find it challenging to prioritize your self-development, it will likely be beneficial to start small and work your way up to dedicating more significant resources to leading a complete life outside of your relationship. There are many ways to focus on your well-being and improvement. A few of the more common are discussed below: 

Choose self-love and positivity

Sometimes, people may not focus on themselves because they don’t feel they deserve to prioritize themselves over their relationship. If that describes you, take time to think about the rationale. Focusing on yourself is likely to improve your relationship, not harm it. You deserve not only a happy relationship but to be your best self. Your confidence in the relationship will likely improve, which could benefit both you and your partner. 

Often, choosing to focus on yourself begins by tackling things that prevent you from engaging in self-discovery. You may also need to address unrealistic expectations, such as the belief that you must dedicate all your free time to your partner to maintain a good relationship. Likely, focusing on your self-talk and your perception of yourself is a good place to start. 

Examine your thought process and look for negative ideas and self-talk. If you frequently put yourself down, disparage yourself, or struggle to recognize your own accomplishments, it may be harder to justify wanting to spend time focusing on yourself. Try to consciously and deliberately insert self-compassion into your thoughts, even if it feels forced at times. Take a moment to recognize things you are proud of, and acknowledge goals as you reach them. You may also want to look into ways to continually build your self-image. 

Set polite boundaries

Your partner may have become accustomed to you dedicating most of your time to them, and it may be helpful to discuss your decision to focus more on yourself. When communicating your needs and boundaries, be sure to do so with empathy and kindness. Your partner may initially be nervous that you are distancing yourself because you are unhappy or in response to something they did, and it’s okay to reassure them that isn’t the case. Ultimately, your partner will need to accept that you are focusing more on yourself for the relationship to be healthy. 

Offering reassurance to your partner is one thing, but if your partner reacts with aggression or anger, there may be bigger problems to address. If your partner chooses to enforce the expectation that you spend all your time with them, you may need to decide whether the relationship is worth continuing. A partner dedicated to a healthy, happy relationship will likely respect your need for space and encourage you to focus on self-improvement. 

Bolster your social circle

Focusing on yourself in the context of a romantic relationship doesn’t mean spending all your free time alone, although at least some alone time is likely important. You should consider spending time with friends and family without your partner, which can strengthen those important social bonds even further. Evidence suggests that positive social interactions are essential to support mental and physical health, and socializing with people other than your partner could be an important part of your self-care. 

Set goals for yourself

It is likely beneficial to structure how you choose to focus on yourself. You are the only person who can choose which goals you’d like to pursue, but it’s likely important that you have at least a few things to strive toward. When choosing goals, it will likely be helpful to ensure they are aligned with good goal-selection strategies, such as using SMART goals. SMART is an acronym that describes what makes a good goal. It stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. 

• Specific goals have a desired outcome that is clear and easy to define. You should understand what reaching your goal looks like. 
• Measurable goals are easy to quantify, such as miles ran, book pages read, or time spent on a new project. Collecting data on your progress can help keep you motivated as you work toward your goal. 
• Achievable goals fall within your abilities. While lofty goals that “shoot for the stars” may seem like a better option, research suggests that setting a goal that is unreachable or extremely difficult to reach can adversely affect your motivation. 
• Relevant goals are in alignment with your wants and needs. If you’re focusing on self-improvement, this would mean choosing a goal that betters you rather than something unrelated to your growth as a person. 
• Time-bound goals have a deadline. Choosing how long it will take you to achieve your goal likely helps you stay focused and motivated. 

Maintain basic self-care

Self-care refers to health-promoting behaviors that help keep you mentally and physically well. It is essential to maintaining good overall well-being and ensuring you can bring your best self to your relationship. There are many ways to implement good self-care, but three things are considered the most basic essentials: getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and getting enough physical activity. 

Consider asking for help

Focusing on yourself is an ongoing process, and it is not unusual to encounter challenges on your journey. If you’re struggling with certain parts of self-focus, you may want to consider contacting a therapist or other mental health professional for assistance. It’s not always easy to focus on self-improvement and growth, and a therapist could help you achieve better self-understanding, set achievable goals, and relate your newfound growth back to your relationship. 

You might want to consider giving online therapy a shot. You can attend online therapy from your home without worrying about traveling to an office to meet with your therapist. Online therapists have the same training and credentials as traditional therapists. They also use the same evidence-based techniques, like cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is a well-supported technique that helps you change your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

Over the last few years, the number of people who use online therapy has increased drastically. That increase prompted researchers to investigate the overall effectiveness of online therapy to determine whether it works as well as in-person therapy. The results of that research suggest that online therapy, in most cases, is just as effective as traditional therapy and is likely a viable option for most. 

Takeaway

Focusing on yourself may be challenging at times, but it could significantly improve your overall well-being. That improvement may also improve your relationship by increasing your confidence and what you bring to the relationship. Focusing on yourself often means addressing negative self-talk, setting appropriate boundaries, setting achievable goals, and focusing on basic self-care. If you find it challenging to focus on yourself or feel like you are getting stuck in the process, a mental health professional can likely help.