Motivating Yourself with Self-Compassion: Learning Healthy Motivation Practices
Failure and mistakes can happen to anyone, regardless of their background. Although it can feel challenging to fail, it’s a part of shared humanity and can also teach lessons. Without experiencing failures, you might struggle to find the motivation to develop, grow, and learn new skills. Failure offers opportunities to develop skills that can foster resilience and growth.
A growing body of research illuminates the power of mindful self-compassion as a key coping strategy in the face of failure. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), self-compassion means more than forgiveness. Self-compassion offers several lasting benefits and can be divided into three key elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Using these tenets as a guide, many psychologists believe individuals can tap into the power of self-compassion to recover from failure and journey toward the type of success they seek. Understanding how to improve your self-compassion skills can help you find success in all areas of your life while boosting your overall well-being.
Motivating yourself with self-compassion: A recipe for resilience
Self-compassion has roots in multiple religions and philosophies, including Buddhist traditions. Today, it is often used in modern psychology.
In spirituality and psychology, the concept of self-compassion is a reminder to show yourself the same kindness and understanding you might extend to your best friend.
Key findings from Dr. Kristin Neff and others
Our modern understanding of self-compassion was partly shaped by Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, who co-created research-based strategies to teach self-compassion skills. In Kristen Neff’s work and other psychological research, self-compassion is often linked to resilience, or your ability to adapt to challenging life experiences. Research shows that when an individual is more resilient, they may be better able to respond to upsetting or stressful events positively, effectively, and flexibly. Research shows that resilience is one of the most direct and measurable outcomes when individuals practice self-compassion and mindfulness over time.
Practice self-compassion through acts of self-kindness
Mindfulness teaches individuals to notice and focus on their feelings, potentially increasing self-compassion. This awareness can lead to self improvement as you learn to care for yourself. By attending to your feelings and cultivating positive emotions like gratitude, joy, delight, and awe, you can train yourself to be more open to your emotions and potentially boost your life satisfaction. Over time, practicing self-compassion can feel natural, fostering a more positive outlook
Collectively, these outcomes may result in greater resilience and the development of a growth mindset, helping you live a fulfilled life. Self-compassion also helps you process your emotional experience in a healthy way. When you’re more in tune with your emotions, you can develop tools to “shift” your brain out of unwanted self-criticism, which may improve your ability to withstand adverse events and daily stressors.
The relationship between self-compassion, resilience, and motivation
Resilience is a crucial outcome of self-compassion and can also impact motivation. To understand this relationship, it may be helpful to inspect the three main components of self-compassion:
- Mindfulness
- Shared humanity
- Self-kindness
Mindfulness is the practice of observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness can help individuals appreciate the challenging and enlightening experiences of shared humanity and the interconnectedness of everyday life. Recognizing that imperfection is a shared human characteristic can help you feel equipped to practice self-kindness, which in turn can improve your self-esteem and limit self-criticism.
These three elements comprise self-compassion, which boosts resilience. When unwanted feelings toward yourself are alleviated, you can cultivate the confidence and motivation you need to attempt challenging situations. As a result, self-compassion can also improve your self confidence when facing challenges.
Viewing failure through the lens of self-compassion
One principle of self-compassion is that failure isn’t a character flaw and can instead be a teacher. Research also finds that when people practice self acceptance by taking an accepting, compassionate approach to personal failure, they may feel more motivated to improve themselves. In a 2012 study, researchers theorized that self-compassion provides a safe, nonjudgmental context for individuals to reflect on unwanted personal traits and strive to improve them in real life.
Five ways to find success after failure: Motivating yourself with self-compassion
Self-compassionate people tend to foster resilience, and resilience can promote the mental flexibility to work through life challenges. If you’re looking for concrete ways to motivate yourself with self-compassion, the following five strategies involve compassion and resilience, helping you grow from failure and build your own definition of success.
Practicing acts of self-kindness
For many people, it’s easy to show acts of kindness to loved ones, but extending the same type of kindness to themselves may prove difficult for most people. World Kindness Day can be a great time to begin extending kindness to yourself and others.
Self-kindness takes many forms, and there’s no one way to prioritize it in your life. In stressful moments, some people might place a gentle hand over their hearts or take a mindful break to enjoy a cup of coffee or a favorite song. These small acts of kindness are opportunities for self-care, and they activate the calming effect of oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” which is responsible for bonding.
According to the Harvard Business Review, oxytocin calms and clears the mind. This small but powerful hormone allows you to slow down, reason, and find the motivation and clarity to recover from failure and resolve challenges with more compassion for yourself. Taking aself compassion break during stressful moments can be a powerful tool for self-care.
Mindful self-compassion: Developing compassionate mantras for difficult moments
In the immediate aftermath of a failure or setback, you might feel inadequate or self-critical. It’s common to feel a combination of frustration, anger, contempt, and other challenging or negative emotions.
Many people experience these moments, and while you might find solidarity in shared humanity, it may not always make these moments easier. To prepare for a challenging day, consider developing a personalized set of compassionate words, or mantras, to use while stressed. Possible phrases may include:
- “May I be kind to myself at this moment?”
- “May I accept myself as I am in this moment?”
- “May I give myself all the compassion and patience I need.”
You can expand this list and adapt popular mantras using an inner compassionate voice to meet your needs. Research suggests that repeating these phrases to yourself can relieve stress and provide encouragement when making decisions.
Reframing failure as an opportunity for learning and growth
Self-compassionate individuals may recognize their shortcomings while drawing invaluable lessons from their past failures and repackaging them as motivation to grow. As Kristin Neff writes, “Our success and failures come and go– they neither define us nor do they determine our worthiness.”
How do you “flip” failure into motivation? Adopting this mindset may take some practice, but expert advice recommends asking specific questions about past mishaps to inform your next move. By reframing failure, you can move away fromnegative thinking and embrace personal growth. Possible questions include:
- “What went wrong?”
- “What could I do differently next time?”
- “How can I improve my first idea, strategy, or vision?”
Failures can be upsetting, but acknowledging the pain of failure is the first step in reframing it as an opportunity.
Opening up to other people: Motivate yourself to connect
To cultivate a sense of shared humanity, consider being vulnerable about your shortcomings, concerns, and hopes, and share them with others. Failure is a shared human experience, and as such, incredibly uniting. Realizing that you're not alone can help you connect with others on a deeper level.
Vulnerability can be scary, but when you open up about your failures, fear, or anxiety with people you trust, you may feel validated and realize you’re partaking in a shared human experience. It may also be motivating. For example, feeling that you have compassionate people on your side who see and support you can remind you to keep going, even when you don’t want to.
Opening up to people can help to foster positive relationships and support networks. Sharing your own expectations with others can also foster deeper connections and motivation. Take a note from a compassionate friend and try to grant the same kindness and grace to yourself when you’re gearing up for your next challenge.
Learn more about motivating yourself with self-compassion in therapy
In addition to opening up in their relationships, many people develop a sense of support and motivation through therapy. Licensed therapists are trained to offer compassion and science-backed strategies for mindfulness and fierce self-compassion.
Some people prefer in-person therapy to begin developing their self-compassion. Still, in a digital era, many people use online therapy to maintain their mental health while balancing active lifestyles. Using an online platform like BetterHelp, it’s possible to match with a board-certified therapist within 48 hours and begin scheduling therapy sessions at times that work best for you. Every BetterHelp therapist has at least three years of professional experience, and many are well-versed in self-compassion, mindfulness, and other foundations of mental health.
Research shows that online therapy can offer the same mental health benefits as face-to-face alternatives. Several studies have assessed the feasibility of online programs to cultivate self-compassion, including a 2021 study of a 10-week online program designed for women. The researchers found that the program significantly increased women’s self-compassion while reducing their feelings of shame, self-judgment, and perfectionism. A combination of online courses and therapist-guided interventions, like internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), could work as available, affordable ways to boost self-compassion while treating the negative effects of perfectionism and shame.
Takeaway
Self-compassion can take time to nurture, and you might not always get it right. However, you’re human, and finding comfort in the shared human experience of failure can help you approach your setbacks as opportunities to learn, grow, and motivate yourself to pursue your next goal. Incorporating compassion exercises into your life can keep you motivated when you’re going through a hard time.
Your loved ones and therapist can offer an extra boost of encouragement along the way. Self-compassion begins with you. Start by showing kindness toward the people in your life and gradually practicing self love and self-compassion by extending the same warmth, comfort, and care toward yourself.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
What are the benefits of motivating yourself with self-compassion?
Gathering the motivation to be compassionate to yourself requires a willingness to investigate why you have a hard time finding self-compassion and taking appropriate steps to overcome those barriers. Here are some suggestions for how to approach the process:
Change your attitude towards self-compassion
Some people may view self-compassion as self-pity or self-indulgence; however, this isn’t the case. Self-compassion is a way to care for yourself in an understanding, compassionate way. It is a valid, useful quality to have that can help you achieve your goals, cultivate better relationships, and maintain overall well-being.
Practice self-awareness and mindfulness
Become more in tune with your thoughts and feelings to recognize the conditions under which you develop negative self-talk. The goal isn’t to react and criticize yourself for having such feelings but to observe and explore them. These thoughts and beliefs can be a beginning point for positive change if they’re approached with non-judgmental acceptance.
Challenge and reframe negative self-talk
Once you become familiar with how you engage in negative self-talk, begin questioning its validity. For example, you might argue with your partner and think, “I’m such a bad person for losing my temper.” But are you really a bad person? Everyone gets upset sometimes—it’s a human reaction to stressful or negative situations where we might feel fearful or threatened. Instead of labeling yourself as a bad person, separate your identity from the emotion. You might feel bad about losing your temper, but that doesn’t mean you’re bad.
Treat yourself like you would a friend or loved one
Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in the same situation. Notice your self-talk. Would you say those things to anyone else?
Care for your mind and body
Take care of yourself physically by getting enough rest, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that bring you joy. Manage your stress levels through yoga, exercise, spending time in nature, and socializing with people who love and support you.
Why is self-compassion key to motivation?
Self-compassion boosts motivation in many ways. Building a positive, nurturing relationship with yourself can increase your resilience in the face of challenges, reduce stress, and enhance your overall well-being. Here are a few critical ways that self-compassion supports motivation:
- Self-criticism and judgment may lead to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and low self-esteem that can be significantly demotivating. Such negative self-talk hinders our courage to take risks, try new things, and pursue our goals. By practicing self-compassion, we can learn to be kind and understanding towards ourselves, which can help silence our inner critic, establish high self-esteem, and increase our motivation.
- Self-compassion fosters resilience in the face of setbacks and challenges. It’s normal to experience disappointment, failure, and rejection in life. Without self-compassion, we might not have the ability to validate our emotions and offer self-comfort when things get tough. The resilience nurtured by self-compassion can help us bounce back from setbacks, learn from our mistakes, and stay motivated to keep moving forward.
- Along with exercise, a balanced diet, and quality sleep, self-compassion is an essential form of self-care for maintaining motivation and energy. When we practice self-compassion, we’re more likely to prioritize activities that benefit our well-being, boost our mood, and increase our energy levels, which in turn can fuel our motivation.
- Self-compassion shapes the type of motivation we have. Intrinsic motivation, or motivation based on our personal growth and fulfillment, is closely associated with self-compassion. When we aren’t acting from a place of self-compassion, we might be motivated by the need to live up to comparisons, external expectations, or a fear of failure, which isn’t only harmful to our state of mind but also to our chances of success.
How do you show self-compassion to yourself?
There are many ways you can show yourself compassion in everyday life. For example, you could practice acts of self-kindness like making yourself a nice dinner or treating yourself to an evening out. Take a warm bath, get a massage, or do something creative. As long as it makes you feel healthy and cared for, treat yourself to a bit of self-kindness.
Caring for your physical, emotional, and mental health is an excellent way to show self-compassion. Eat well, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep. Engage in activities that reduce stress and nourish you.
Validating your emotions is another way you can show compassion for yourself. Even if they’re uncomfortable or challenging to face, allow yourself to experience and express your feelings without judgment. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, and you deserve grace, too.
What are the steps for self-compassion according to Dr. Kristin Neff?
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, there are three steps to cultivating better self-compassion:
Self-kindness
This step involves being understanding and gentle with yourself, particularly in moments of difficulty, failure, or suffering. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion instead of criticizing yourself or engaging in negative self-talk. Offer yourself words of comfort, support, and reassurance. Offer yourself words of comfort, support, and reassurance as you would to a friend in need.
Common humanity
This step involves recognizing that suffering, challenges, and imperfections are a universal, natural part of the human experience. Rather than feeling isolated or alone when facing your challenges, remind yourself that everyone experiences setbacks and failures at some point in their lives. By acknowledging your shared humanity, you can cultivate a sense of connection and compassion for yourself and others.
Mindfulness
This step involves practicing mindfulness and non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Being present allows you to observe your inner experience with curiosity and openness without getting caught up in rumination, avoidance, or self-criticism. Research shows that by bringing mindful awareness to your experience, you can cultivate a sense of self-compassion grounded in acceptance, non-reactivity, and equanimity.
What are the four Cs of compassion?
Although compassion means different things to different people, the four Cs help provide a memorable framework for approaching compassion in your own life. They are:
- Care: Compassionate people show concern and empathy for others
- Courage: Compassionate people are willing to take action to help others, even in difficult situations
- Communication: Compassionate people listen actively and effectively communicate with others
- Commitment: Compassionate people are dedicated to helping and supporting others, even when it’s challenging
What are the four pillars of self-compassion?
While there are three pillars of self-compassion outlined by Dr. Kristen Neff, there are four common pillars of self-care that can help you cultivate more self-compassion:
1. Physical self-care: Taking care of your body through regular exercise, proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and regular checkups with your healthcare provider.
2. Emotional self-care: Managing stress, practicing mindfulness, staying connected with friends and loved ones, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
3. Mental self-care: Engaging in activities that stimulate your mind, such as reading, learning a new skill, or engaging in creative pursuits. It also involves setting boundaries, managing your time effectively, and practicing self-compassion.
4. Spiritual self-care: Connecting with your inner self, engaging in activities that provide meaning and purpose, such as meditation, prayer, or spending time in nature. It also involves cultivating gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion towards yourself and others.
What does it mean to practice mindful self-compassion?
Approaching self-compassion with mindfulness involves taking the time to check in with your thoughts and feelings. For example, suppose you’ve just had a less-than-favorable performance review at work. In that case, you might automatically have negative thoughts about yourself and engage in negative self-talk. Still, if you practice mindfulness, you can shift those negative views about yourself to more positive, self-compassionate ones.
What are the four self-compassion phrases?
There are many phrases one can use to communicate self-compassion. As outlined by the Center for Mindful Self-compassion, four examples include:
- May I be kind to myself
- May I give myself the compassion I need
- May I learn to accept myself as I am
- May I forgive myself
What is the mindful path to self-compassion about?
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion is a book by Dr. Christopher Germer about cultivating self-compassion through mindfulness practice. In the book, Dr. Germer offers self-compassion exercises and techniques through mindfulness practices for the purposes of strengthening mental and emotional health.
What does the Buddha say about self-compassion?
In his discourse on loving kindness (the Karaniya Metta Sutta), the Buddha teaches that we should send ourselves the same wishes for happiness, peace, and compassion as we would send someone we love deeply.
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