Three Tips To Reduce Self-Hatred
Self-hatred or feeling like a bad person can be challenging to experience and can worsen symptoms of many mental health conditions. Feelings of self-loathing can also be a symptom of a larger overall mental health condition. If you're experiencing feelings like these, understanding how to reduce these sensations and increase self-compassion may be valuable.
Why do I hate myself?
If you often find yourself thinking, “I hate myself,” or you experience negative thought patterns of hatred toward yourself, it could be a sign that outside factors are influencing your mental heath. For example, you might compare yourself to others online or in person and feel you aren't matching society's ideals. For many people who spend time online, social media exacerbates these feelings and adds to the fear of being left out.
Rejection can be difficult to accept and may also make you feel self-loathing if you believe the rejection was due to a personal attribute, personality trait, or another feature. Even if you weren't the problem in the situation or relationship, being rejected can cause feelings of rejection sensitivity, which can make you feel flawed or undesirable.
Environmental factors may be causing you to feel less love for yourself. For example, if you're struggling to clean your home, go to work, or perform as you'd like to, you might feel like you are doing something wrong, you may also feel guilt or shame. If other people in your life are spreading negative messages about you or calling you names or other bad things, it can cause you perceive that they are correct about you.
In addition, many individuals experience self-loathing as a symptom of a mental illness or health condition like depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Talking to a professional may help you reduce these feelings in these cases and may improve your emotions.
Three tips for reducing self-loathing
Regardless of the cause of your self-hatred, there are a few ways you can increase self-compassion and to help you learn how to not hate yourself, including the following.
1. Talk to a therapist
Getting help from a therapist is not a bad thing and they may help you to recognize and pinpoint the origin of your self-hate and identify ways to manage those negative emotions and feelings of self-hatred. Once you know the cause and thought patterns associated with your negative self-image, you can come to terms with what may have impacted them.
A therapist can walk you through identifying your core internal beliefs and linking childhood experiences to how you feel about yourself today. Many of these thoughts may not be conscious or could feel like parts of your personality and they can be hard to recognize on your own. A core belief determines to what degree you feel safe, worthy, and loved. You may also examine your decision-making ability and how powerful and competent you feel. A therapist may help you understand how these core beliefs coincide with your sense of belonging and how others may treat you.
A counselor can recommend many exercises, such as using a journal to explore your daily thoughts. Negative thoughts can be tracked by visualizing and writing about situations or your emotional space. You can also document times when you've felt anxious, sad, angry, shameful, or hurt. Further, it may help to jot down notes when you've felt uncomfortable and noticed negative thoughts. Studies have also found journaling highly impactful for reducing mental distress.
Speaking to a mental health professional about your negative thoughts can also help by allowing you to hear another person tell you that you’re worthy of love. Reading sentiments like these is often less impactful than hearing people in your life say them out loud. You can then recall your therapist’s kind words about you when you practice self-compassion, which might help when you’re finding it challenging to reduce self-hatred. In addition to providing advice, diagnosis recommendations for conditions like depression are another potential benefit a therapist can offer.
2. Start a self-care routine
Another way to learn to love yourself when you feel bad is by building up a solid self-care routine and making a point to improve your own mental health. Many people may focus too often on work and other responsibilities (like school, raising kids, or taking care of others) that they forget to recharge and take care of themselves. Always putting others first can leave your mental and physical health on the back burner, leading to burnout and other negative consequences.
Come up with a list of ways to take care of yourself regularly. A few ways to do so can include the following:
- Taking the time to enjoy a shower
- Getting your hair done
- Prepping healthy meals for the week
- Weekly exercise
- Practicing mindfulness or meditation (proven to increase self-compassion)
- Making time for a relaxing cup of coffee and reading in the morning
- Taking the time to see friends and family
- Journaling every day
- Practicing your spiritual or religious beliefs
- Joining a music group like a choir or orchestra
- Hiking with your family or friends
- Getting a snack or lunch by yourself
Learning to prioritize self-care may allow you to get accustomed to the idea that you are worth setting aside time. These routines, if kept up, can make you feel mentally and physically well and potentially increase your self-compassion.
Self-care practice can begin by listing at least ten activities you want to do during a typical week. Break them down into smaller chunks. For example, if you want to exercise more each week, you can choose one type of exercise to schedule, such as stretching. Once you have established your ten items, ask yourself two questions:
- Does this activity lift my mood, give me energy, nourish me, or increase my sense of being alive?
- Does this activity diminish my mood, make me feel drained of energy, or decrease my sense of being alive?
Partake in activities to which you answer "yes" for the first question. Try to reduce activities in your life to which you answer "yes" for the second question.
3. Be kind to yourself
The journey towards ending your self-hate can be challenging if you have felt self-loathing toward yourself for some time or if you dwell on a past mistake. You might experience setbacks as you try to increase self-compassion.
Various limited-thinking patterns can get in the way of a positive outlook. Personalization often aligns with negative self-worth, as people may compare themselves to others to determine their worth. The negative mantra may come from questioning your value, as in, "I'm not smart enough to do that job." You might also flip the comparison in a more favorable format by saying, "At least I'm smarter than them." Both statements can indicate low self-esteem.
The other form of personalization is to spiral downward and relate everything around you to yourself. When you focus on unfavorable comparisons, this process can last long-term, affecting yourself and how you act in relationships. For example, if you're personalizing a conversation and your friend yawns while you're speaking, you might think they're bored or don't like what you're saying, even if they're just tired.
Challenging these automatic thoughts is one way to be kinder to yourself and others. For every negative thought, consider a positive. For example, if you have an angry thought about yourself, think about your favorite memory from the week or the people who inspire you to keep going. Try to consider one aspect of yourself for which you're grateful.
You can also use self-talk and try repeating positive affirmations daily or writing them in a journal to manifest them. For example:
- "I commit to always doing my best."
- "I am a powerful force in the world."
- "I can make a difference."
- "I love how creative I have been this week."
- "My eyes look beautiful today."
- "Even when I am struggling, I admire my resolve to continue trying."
Counseling options
If you continue to struggle with self-esteem after trying lifestyle changes and self-affirming exercises, you might benefit from speaking to a therapist or finding a support group which may help you to realize that you matter and are important. Many individuals avoid in-person therapy due to its cost and inconvenience. If you have believed that therapy is out of reach to you, you might find online therapy more convenient.
Through an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist within 48 hours of signing up and choose an appointment at a time that works for you. If you struggle with socialization, online therapy can also allow you to choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions. Many clients also take advantage of the messaging feature to check in with their therapist throughout the week.
Studies have found that online therapy is more cost-effective than in-person options. In addition, some researchers have seen how online therapy can be more effective than in-person therapy for treating symptoms of depression, which can be a common cause of low self-esteem or self-love.
Takeaway
What does it mean when you start to hate yourself?
Feelings of self-hatred, or self-loathing, typically stem from a mental health issue like depression or trauma. However, just because you might have feelings of hatred for yourself doesn’t automatically mean you have depression or another mental condition. A therapist can help you identify the potential sources of your feelings and work through them to improve your self-esteem.
How do you stop someone from hating themselves?
Helping someone who struggles with self-hatred can be challenging. They might not be receptive to the support and encouragement or be suspicious of your motives for helping. However, some people might be responsive to your help or, with time, will listen to what you have to say. Here are some ways you can support someone who is struggling with self-hate:
Show empathy and understanding
Listen to the person without judgment and try to understand their feelings and experiences. Chances are they will be much more likely to respond positively to your intervention if you listen empathetically and let them know you care about them.
Encourage self-care
Encourage the person to engage in activities that promote self-care and self-compassion—for example, getting plenty of exercise, practicing mindfulness techniques, and eating a nutritious diet. Engaging in a hobby or activities they enjoy and spending time with friends and loved ones are excellent ways to care for oneself, too.
Challenge negative thoughts
Help the person recognize and challenge negative self-talk and beliefs. Encourage them to reframe the negative thoughts into more positive and realistic ones.
Provide validation and reassurance
Offer words of encouragement, validation, and support to help the person feel valued and accepted. You may work with them to develop daily affirmations they can recall when they begin having negative thoughts or self-talk. For example, you may want to try “I have acceptance and compassion for myself,” “My past mistakes do not define me,” or “I am proud of myself for getting better every day.”
Be patient
Changing deeply ingrained beliefs takes time, so be patient and supportive as they work through their feelings of self-hate. Patience in this situation may take a lot of empathy and self-searching, but it is important in helping the person heal.
Encourage professional help
If the person is struggling with severe self-hatred, therapy or counseling may be necessary to address any underlying contributors. Ultimately, the individual experiencing self-hatred is the only one who can heal themselves and learn to manage those feelings. A mental health professional can provide guidance and coping strategies for managing feelings of self-hate.
How do you stop hating yourself for past mistakes?
While it’s easy to fall into the “trap” of berating ourselves over past mistakes, it’s important to remember that self-forgiveness is essential to personal growth, healing, and mental well-being. Here are a few strategies to help you stop hating yourself for past mistakes:
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings of guilt or regret but remind yourself that you are deserving of kindness.
Recognize that making mistakes is a natural part of being human. Embrace your imperfections as opportunities for growth and learning—or accept them just as they are.
Reflect on the lessons you’ve learned from your past mistakes and use them to make positive changes. Focusing on how you can prevent similar mistakes in the future can keep you from dwelling on the past and recover your self-esteem.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes and release yourself from guilt. It may help to remember that holding on to such negative emotions will only likely hinder your ability to move forward and grow.
Stay present in the moment and practice mindfulness techniques to help you release negative thoughts and emotions related to past mistakes.
Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally by participating in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. Sharing your thoughts and emotions can help you gain perspective and get the support you need to heal.
How do you fix self-hate?
You can fix self-hate and cultivate stronger self-esteem with time and effort. Self-searching activities like journaling and meditation can help you recognize the negative self-talk and beliefs contributing to self-hate and reframe them into kinder, more helpful thoughts and beliefs.
Spend time with people who make you feel good and spread positivity. If this isn’t possible, consider contacting a support group online or in your community of people in the same boat. Because fixing self-hate can be difficult, many people seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. In therapy, individuals can learn how to change negative self-belief and cope with challenges in daily life.
What is the root of self-hatred?
There are many potential causes of self-hatred, and what is at the root of one person’s self-hatred may not factor into another’s at all. Typically, self-hatred stems from a combination of life experiences, individual traits, and psychological factors. Some of these potential underlying causes include:
Past experiences of trauma, abuse, neglect, or bullying
Toxic relationships
Holding oneself to impossibly high standards or comparing oneself to others
Internalizing criticism or harmful messages from others
Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
A lack of self-worth, self-esteem, or self-confidence
Perfectionism
Struggles with identity
How do you stop feeling bad about yourself?
Boosting self-esteem and minimizing negative feelings may take some time if you’re accustomed to a long history of feeling bad about yourself. However, there are some steps you can take to change your mindset and start feeling better about yourself:
Identify situations that make you feel bad about yourself
Some people have self-esteem challenges associated with the workplace, some might struggle with self-esteem in a relationship, and others may have difficulty feeling good about themselves when they watch TV or scroll through social media. Whatever prompts your feelings of negativity, try to isolate their circumstances and understand the relationship.
Notice your thoughts
Pay attention to your thinking and beliefs in those situations that make you feel bad about yourself. Are they based on facts, reason, or rationality? Or are they irrational and driven by emotions and false beliefs? Think about how you would speak to a friend in that situation. Do you think you would think the same way about them or talk to them the same way if they were in your shoes?
Challenge negative self-talk
Pay attention to your inner dialogue and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Replace those self-critical thoughts with positive affirmations and realistic self-appraisals.
Focus on your strengths
Once you’ve identified negative self-beliefs, identify your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Remind yourself of them regularly to help counteract feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.
Surround yourself with positive influences
Seek the company of supportive, encouraging people who uplift you and believe in your potential. Limit your exposure to negative influences or environments that contribute to feelings of low self-worth.
Set realistic goals
If your negative feelings are associated with a goal or accomplishment, you can take steps to set yourself up for success. For example, break down your goals into manageable steps and celebrate each achievement along the way. Setting and achieving realistic goals can boost confidence and self-esteem.
Practice self-care
Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that nourish and support you, such as exercise, healthy eating, quality sleep, and stress-reduction techniques.
How do I find out why I hate myself?
Finding out why you hate yourself may require significant mindfulness and self-searching. You may need to keep a journal to identify negative patterns in your thoughts and beliefs or practice meditation to quiet the mind and better see your thoughts. A therapist or counselor can also help you identify and understand the reasons you hate yourself.
Is self-hatred a symptom of anxiety?
Self-hatred is a common symptom of many mental health conditions, including anxiety. People with depression, PTSD, bipolar disorder, certain personality disorders, and psychosis may also experience feelings of self-hatred.
What happens if you hate yourself too much?
Hating yourself too much can lead to suicidal ideations and self-harm, but it can also have significant impacts on everyday life. For example, hating yourself too much can create self-defeating behaviors in relationships and at work. It can lead to social anxiety or feelings of shame and guilt without an apparent cause. Individuals who hate themselves too much might engage in unhealthy coping strategies like substance misuse or risky behaviors in order to seek validation and approval from others.
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