Focusing On Mental Health When You Feel Like A Failure
- For those experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
- For those experiencing abuse, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- For those experiencing substance use, please contact SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357
Failing can be distressing for some people. Negative thoughts and a negative perception of failure can make you feel like giving up or increase your stress level, but you're not alone. These responses to failure may seem to undermine your confidence and self-esteem, demotivating you and causing a shift in mood. However, there are several professional techniques to cope with failure; you're not alone in these experiences. Understanding your options when failure arises can help you gain insight and prepare for future situations that may cause distress.
Why do I feel like I’ve failed?
Some people set goals they want to attain to improve relationships, their status at work or to meet personal aspirations. You may choose goals based on the people around you, society, or use your ambition to set goals for the distant future. Unrealistic expectations can often contribute to this feeling of failure.
Regardless of where goals come from, it can be natural to feel disappointed if you fail to achieve them. People may fail due to multiple causes, and not all causes may be in your control. Everyone makes mistakes, and, sometimes failure comes from the mistakes of others or misunderstandings. These situations can be stressful, but they don't necessarily mean anything negative about who you are. It can be possible to reframe failure and find ways to let it motivate you instead of causing you to want to give up. Failure means learning and moving forward is part of the process.
How to cope when you feel like a failure at work
Work is a significant part of many people's lives. Whether you enjoy working or would rather stay home, you may spend most of your days at work. If you feel unappreciated or unfulfilled at work, happiness can decrease, and work morale may be low. If these emotions impact your work quality or a failure occurs, your distress with the situation may increase.
It can be common for some people to think of work as a part of their identity or even as their whole world. When you meet someone new, they may ask about your job and what you enjoy. If your work is important to you, it can be helpful to know that it is only one part of who you are, and failure doesn’t mean that not everything about you is ruined. And remember, even if you feel like you fall short on a particular task, failures are lessons learned.
Practice self-acceptance and recognize low self esteem
Ask yourself questions to understand why you’re feeling like a failure
If you frequently experience feelings of defeat at work, you may assess your job satisfaction in general. Ask yourself:
- Am I bored at work?
- Do I feel like I'm not making a difference?
- Is the pay lower than what I believe is fair for this job description?
- Does my job offer me a chance to be promoted?
- Have I ever received a raise?
- Am I making my best effort to complete my duties?
- Are there any outside circumstances that may be distracting me from work?
These questions can help you determine why you might feel like a failure. Once you determine the cause, you can take steps to move toward a solution. For example, if you are bored at work, you might outline a schedule that keeps you more engaged. You might also ask your boss for a few odd jobs or new duties to help keep you busy.
Think about your impact
If you want to make a difference, consider your customers or clients. How would they be inconvenienced without you? If you improve your interactions with them, you might notice immediate changes in how you feel about yourself at work.
Consider a career change
In some cases, you may realize that you want to change your career path. Healthy ways to approach this decision include assessing your core beliefs and understanding what truly motivates you. If you are not ignoring the real cause of your dissatisfaction, that might help you address some of your feelings of failure and frustration. However, if your career choice is not a problem for you, changing careers may cause frustrations to travel with you. Failure can be a chance to grow at work, and it's not necessarily negative. Learning from failures, like those of famous inventors such as Thomas Edison, can be a part of achieving success.
How to cope when you feel like a failure in love
Humans are social by nature, so relationships with others may affect your sense of self-worth. However, it can be dangerous to tie your self-worth to romantic relationships and whether you are loved. Putting your worth at the mercy of another person can lead to anxiety and fear if a relationship ends or doesn't turn out as you hope. Below are a few strategies for coping when a relationship fails.
Be yourself
When entering a relationship, be yourself from the beginning. Speak up about your opinions, core beliefs, feelings, and hopes, and spend time with diverse people. Being with another person does not mean you have to lose yourself. Recognize that your partner can have feelings and interests unrelated to you. In addition, if they are upset or distressed, it may be helpful not to assume it is your fault if you haven't made a mistake. Being yourself from the beginning and looking for healthy behaviors from potential partners may lead to you having healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Re-think unhealthy relationships
If your partner puts you down or tells you that you are a failure, this may be a sign of abuse or an unhealthy relationship. In these cases, it might be safest to end the relationship. When a relationship ends, it does not necessarily signify defeat. Instead, it can be a new beginning and a phase of growth. Moving forward from such relationships can be a significant step in improving your mental health.
How to set healthy goals
If you often struggle to reach your goals, you may discover your goals are not aligned with your values. It may be worth reassessing your goals and finding new ones to bring you more significant satisfaction over time. Further, goals based on your core values may be more meaningful to you.
Examples of core values
- Dependability
- Reliability
- Loyalty
- Commitment
- Open-mindedness
- Consistency
- Honesty
- Efficiency
- Innovation
- Creativity
- Good humor
- Compassion
- Spirit of adventure
- Motivation
- Positivity
- Optimism
- Passion
- Respect
- Fitness
- Courage
- Education
- Perseverance
- Patriotism
- Service to others
- Environmentalism
Once you identify your core values, see if your goals align with them. If your goals do not reflect your core values, find ways to fit them. For example, if your core value is honesty, but your goal is to change your personality to fit in with popular people, you aren't being honest with yourself or others. Instead, you might restructure your goal to find friends or family members who value you for who you are.
Professional support for perceived failure
If you're struggling to set goals or understand why you think you're a failure, it may be helpful to speak to a therapist. A counselor can help you outline your goals, restructure your thoughts, and help you develop healthy behaviors. Seeking professional help can be a key step in addressing mental health conditions and learning a healthy way to cope with failure.
How online therapy can help when you feel like a failure
If you can’t find a counselor in your area or struggle with financial insecurity, you can also try therapy through an online platform like BetterHelp. Therapists can also help with additional concerns, such as substance use.
The efficacy of online therapy for depression and related mental health challenges
Recent research has shown that online therapy positively affects people with confidence challenges, depression, or a lack of motivation. A study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders compared the efficacy of online therapy with that of traditional therapy in treating depression. The study focused on the immediate and long-term effects of both types of therapy delivery and found that online therapy was more successful in treating clients with depression, with results lasting at the three-month follow-up.
Participants received online counseling using cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a talk therapy widely implemented to help clients cope with and restructure negative or maladaptive thoughts. Those undertaking online-based CBT work with therapists in limited sessions, in addition to completing assignments and utilizing specialized techniques on their own time to manage their symptoms.
Internet-based CBT can be a convenient and cost-effective way to cope with a fear of defeat or failure. An online therapist can offer actionable exercises and worksheets for clients to complete between sessions. You may also have the opportunity to connect with your therapist through messaging during the week, outside of sessions.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
What causes feelings of failure?
Feeling like a failure can be caused by a variety of factors, including unrealistic expectations, comparing oneself to others, experiencing repeated setbacks or failures, and struggling with low self-esteem. It often stems from negative thoughts, negative perceptions, and self-criticism.
Is depression a sign that I’m feeling like a failure?
Feeling like a failure can often manifest in the form of emotional distress regarding one's perception of themselves. Common symptoms include persistent self-doubt, a sense of hopelessness, anxiety, depression, and a negative self-image. Individuals experiencing these perceptions or feelings may withdraw from social activities, struggle with decision-making, and avoid new challenges due to fear of failure.
What can I do if I think I'm a failure?
Overcoming the interpretation of being a failure takes time and effort, but with determination and the right support, you can develop a more positive self-image and move forward in healthy ways. By examining your core beliefs, you may gain insight into the root cause of your appraisals and feelings, allowing you to challenge negative thoughts and patterns. Through setting realistic goals, celebrating small achievements, practicing self-compassion, and surrounding yourself with supportive friends and mental health professionals if necessary, you can overcome the cognitions that produce the sense of being a failure and the resulting emotions as well.
Is it normal to think you might fail?
Yes. The perception of potential failure is very common, especially when facing new challenges or pursuing goals. It is important to remember that everyone makes mistakes, and most people experience moments of self-doubt and uncertainty. Additionally, many people fall into a "comparison trap," where we compare ourselves to others without regard for our personal circumstances. When you realize that you are perceiving yourself as a failure, you may try reminding yourself that setbacks don't define your worth or ultimate success. Understanding that these interpretations are a part of your journey can lead to valuable lessons and personal development.
Why do I sense that I'm a terrible person?
Perceiving yourself as a terrible person can be the result of various factors including mental health conditions or past trauma. For example, if you were frequently criticized, assessed by others as a failure, or received negative feedback from your parents during adolescence, it might contribute to a negative self-image as an adult. It's important to recognize that those experiences and the input of others don't necessarily reflect reality. Experiencing failures and making mistakes is a part of being human. Through self-reflection, seeking therapy, addressing underlying issues, and practicing self-compassion, self-esteem and self-worth can be improved.
What is failure anxiety?
"Failure anxiety" refers to the fear and anxiety associated with the possibility of failing in a particular task or situation. It can manifest as excessive worry, self-doubt, and avoidance behaviors. This anxiety often stems from a fear of negative consequences or judgment from others.
Can anxiety lead to a sense of being a failure?
Yes. Anxiety often leads to excessive worry and self-doubt, distorting your perception of success and competence. This feeling of inadequacy can persist even when you are objectively successful. Seeking support from a therapist can help you manage anxiety and address these negative thought patterns, allowing you to regain confidence in your abilities.
Why can't I get anything right?
Believing that you can’t get anything right can be the result of various factors, including self-doubt, high standards, and a focus on past mistakes. It's important to recognize that making mistakes and facing challenges is a part of the learning process.
How do you bounce back from failure?
Bouncing back when you do fail often involves acknowledging and accepting your situation, reflecting on the lessons learned, and setting realistic goals for the future. Through seeking support from others, practicing self-compassion, and maintaining physical and emotional well-being, you may bounce back more easily, and feel good about moving on from failure.
- Previous Article
- Next Article