Dating As Your True Self
Finding someone who loves us fully for who we truly are can be challenging sometimes. Frustrated by the search, you may sometimes wonder, "Who will love me for me if I show my true self?" Many of us long for deep, authentic personal connections but fear others may not love and accept us completely for our true core selves. If this is something you're experiencing, read on for a few tips for loving yourself fully and opening yourself up to authentic connections with others as your true self.
When you yearn for love, you may try doing just about anything to find it, even if that means keeping your true self hidden. A desire to have the affection of a person in whom you are romantically interested can be an intense feeling, but when you hide your inner self, you're not allowing your potential partner to meet you in authenticity. If they don't know the real you, they can't love you for who you really are.
Showing our true self can be a scary and vulnerable reality, but it is necessary if we want to be loved for who we really are. Sometimes, we may fear showing our true selves to others because we have a low opinion of different aspects of ourselves such as our body or fear judgment and rejection from others. If you are seeking deep love and connection as your truest expression of self, you may consider some of the following tips for how to embrace your self-worth and open yourself up to deep connection as your real self:
There are many ways to cultivate self love, such as journaling, positive affirmations, self-care, art, practice yoga to build awareness of your true self, celebrating your accomplishments, and more, and you can try a variety of approaches to find something that works well for you. For example, one approach could be to take out a piece of paper and write down answers to the following questions: Describe what you like about yourself today, and what accomplishment you are proud of? You can take this day by day or try to list 10 positive characteristics as a single exercise. Then, read your list and notice how each item makes you feel. If you were reading this same list about another person, how might you feel toward that person? If they evoke love and positive emotions, remember that you can extend those same feelings to yourself.
If you realize that there are things you don't like about your innermost self during the process of self-reflection, that is okay, too. We are all works in progress. You can choose things you'd like to improve, too. You can identify the areas where you want to change and begin an true, heartfelt effort to improve those things, coming from a place of self-love and compassion. You can work towards an ideal self and fulfilling your full potential whilst recognizing, acknowledging, and loving your current self. Just like parents often love their child, you can love yourself through the different stages of life.
Getting past your fear of judgment
What concept or ideas are holding you back from being your true, authentic self? Oftentimes, people will say that they are afraid of being judged. If you identify with this notion, try to dig further: Why are you afraid of being judged? What makes judgment scary?
As you dig into this fear, you may realize that this fear of judgment shrinks as you create your own self worth. Sometimes, we may fear judgments from others because we are afraid that their perception of us is some indication of our true worth or value. But, as you work on self-love and establish a strong sense of self-worth and identity, you may start to see that it is not dependent on other people's approval. Your worth is inherent regardless of the world around you.
As you put your authentic self out there and engage in conversations, try your best to show your genuine self with others. You may ask yourself, "Am I being my true self?" Are you saying things that are true to you and line up with your value system? Are you telling things about yourself that are honest? Are you presenting a false version of the self out of fear, or can you loosen up and feel somewhat comfortable in your own skin? Are you having fun?
These are some of the questions you can ask yourself in the moment if you are struggling to let the real you shine through. If you find that you are not being your true self, you can always catch yourself and try again.
Coping with negative opinions from others
Not everyone will like everyone else, so rejection is possible—it is just a part of life. So, let's say you put your true self out there, and someone rejects you or expresses a negative opinion. This may sting at first, but then consider what it tells you: If someone has negative thoughts or opinions about the real you, is that someone you would actually want to be with, anyway?
Gaining support through therapy for your true self
If you want additional support with loving yourself more, cultivating healthy relationships, and finding the courage to put your true self out there, therapy can help.
Research shows that there is a link between self-esteem and our relationships. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, for example, found that high self-esteem enhances the quality of our relationships, and good relationships lead to a boost in self-esteem.
If you are experiencing low self-esteem or intense worry about how others perceive you, seeking help in person may feel a bit intimidating. For some, connecting with a therapist virtually through online therapy may be a little easier. Having the ability to attend sessions from the comfort of your own home can help you feel more comfortable.
Plus, research has found that online therapy can be a facilitating environment for increasing self-esteem. For instance, one research study evaluated an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) program for low self-esteem in adolescents. It found that the individuals who received the treatment showed "significantly higher levels of self-rated self-esteem" compared to the control group, concluding that "ICBT can be effective for treating low self-esteem in adolescents, decrease depression and anxiety levels, and increase quality of life."
Takeaway
Many of us essentially desire authentic connection but fear others may not love us for our true selves. If this is something you're grappling with, you may consider some of the tips above, including cultivating greater self-love, getting past the fear of judgment, and putting your true self out there. For support with these and other concerns, reach out to a BetterHelp counselor to take the first step.
What does your true self mean?
Your true self is the most authentic version of you. It embodies your inner self, free from the expectations of society and other people in your life, like your husband, wife, friends, or kid. which can help you live a happy and more meaningful life. A person’s true self is sometimes described as the essence of who they are underneath their ego and personality.
What is an example of a true self?
An example of a true self might be a college student who, in their heart, is a compassionate and creative writer but is studying to work in a competitive, fact-driven field. As a result, they might not feel fulfilled because their true self is more aligned with their artistic passions. Another example might be a girl who has always loved to sing songs and play music for others to hear feels self-conscious and fearful about what her new boyfriend might think about her voice. As a result, she hides her passion to protect her relationship but, in the end, feels like she’s denying her true self.
What is the theory of true self?
The theory of the true self is an idea that suggests that everyone has a core, authentic self. It also proposes that self-actualization is achieved when a person’s actions and life choices are in line with who they are at their core. The theory often contrasts the “true self” with the “false self,” which is a facade a person creates to meet the expectations of others and be accepted. However, the theory of the true self is often disputed as being subjective and non-observable in psychological science. Additionally, a number of things unrelated to whether or not a person is being their true self can cause a person not to reach their full potential, like being depressed, living in chronic pain, and socioeconomic hurdles.
How do you discover your true self?
Discovering your true self generally involves a deeper look into your goals, desires, and values. It often requires self-awareness and noticing when you feel most genuine and full of hope. Activities like journaling, mindfulness, and therapy may help you connect and explore the depths of your true self and pursue ventures that offer more meaning in life. However, not everyone discovers their true self in the same way. Some may find it easier to learn about themselves in therapy. Others may need to suffer loss or heartbreak before understanding what matters to them.
What reveals your true self?
A person’s true self is revealed through their actions, choices, and how they react in various situations. Often, you might act the most authentically when you're not playing a role, and your true human nature can shine through. How a person acts when they’re doing quiet or mundane things, like waiting in line, searching for their keys, getting ready for a date, going to bed at night, surfing the internet on their favorite browser, texting their friend on their cell, listening to the lyrics of a song they just played, can sometimes do a better job of illuminating a person’s true self than some grand action. It can also be revealed in other aspects of life, such as stressful situations and challenges, where your responses might more closely reflect your true character.
Is the true self the soul?
The concept of the true self is sometimes related to the soul, especially in philosophical or spiritual beliefs. Some people might view the true self as the essence of a person beyond their physical body. However, the true self might also represent genuine personality traits, values, and desires, not necessarily a spiritual being.
What are the 8 characteristics of the true self?
The eight characteristics of the true self according to internal family systems (IFS), also called the “8 C’s,” are:
- Curiosity - A non-judgmental desire to explore and understand your internal parts and ask questions to truly feel heard.
- Compassion - Offering kindness and understanding to yourself and your internal struggles, like how you’d comfrot someone who utters a cry for help.
- Clarity - Seeing your thoughts and feelings clearly without being clouded by past experiences that might make you fall into old patterns.
- Creativity - Finding innovative ways to resolve internal conflicts, turning each step into a compliment to your healing journey.
- Calmness - a state of inner peace and clarity, helping you listen to and understand your thoughts without judgment.
- Confidence - Trusting your ability to handle challenges even when tears, doubt, or fear emerge.
- Courage - Facing difficult emotions or memories head-on, knowing they don’t define you forever.
- Connectedness - Building harmony between your internal parts for the greater good, even if they don’t seem to get along, much like co-parenting with an ex.
What is self vs real self?
The self often refers to the persona we present to the world or the story we tell about ourselves. It’s often influenced by societal expectations. In contrast, the real self or true self accounts for who we are at our core, without external pressures or influences. Some people believe that the real self is who a person would be if they’d never been hurt or had anything bad happen to them. It’s who they would be without external pressures, regrets, or self-doubt or who they are when they don’t expect themselves to be any different and can instead lead from a position of forgiveness and understanding.
What is the narcissistic true self?
The term “narcissistic true self” is a bit of a misnomer, as the first part, the word narcissism, typically involves an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy to hide a person’s insecurities. In contrast, the true self is genuine and authentic, not guided by the ego or a need for external validation. Some people believe the true self of a person with narcissism is angry, self-conscious, hurting, or worse, but that they run from those feelings and present an inflated self to the world.
Do I have a true self?
The answer to this good question is yes. Everyone has a true self. It's the part of you that's authentic and genuine, encompassing your most important values, passions, and beliefs. Discovering and expressing your true self can be a key aspect of personal growth and self-actualization, which can promote a more meaningful and satisfying life.
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