Why Am I So Shy, And What Can I Do About It?

Many causes may contribute to the trait of shyness. In addition, shyness can be a sign of an underlying mental health challenge for some people. If you are a quieter person who enjoys having a small group of friends, you may also have an introverted personality. 

Being shy can be normal but may sometimes lead to higher stress levels. Shyness can make it more challenging to complete tasks that require an outgoing or social personality, such as giving a presentation at school or work or making new friends. If you are often shy in social situations, looking at a few causes of this challenge and ways to increase your social skills and energy levels may be beneficial.

Causes of shyness 

Understanding the causes of shyness can be difficult, as shyness can be a personality trait or a sign of an underlying mental health condition. If your shyness causes you severe distress or functioning difficulties, you might be living with a social challenge caused by a condition like social anxiety disorder. In some cases, individuals experience shyness due to being neurodivergent.

Knowing the underlying reason for your discomfort around people can help you address it. By addressing the underlying causes, your social life may become less stressful. However, being shy is not necessarily a sign of an underlying concern. Some people are more introverted than others and may enjoy solitude over social connections. 

Ways to address shyness 

Whether your shyness is due to a mental health condition or a shy personality, there are a few ways you may be able to improve your confidence and become more social, including the following. 

Spend time with people with similar interests 

Spending time with people with similar interests may allow you to come out of your shell. You might have more to discuss if you are both passionate about a topic.  

If you don't know someone with your interests, consider seeking clubs or groups that focus on topics you are interested in, whether you hope to focus on sports, art, comic books, music, or fandom. If you have a friend who can accompany you to the first event, they may help you ease into the new environment. 

If attending an in-person event seems overwhelming, you could start by making friends online through a virtual group. Social media groups and online communities may offer a place to start.

Come up with questions to ask when getting to know people

Trying to make small talk with someone you recently met can be challenging. Asking about their day and talking about the weather might not seem like a meaningful way to make connections. In these situations, you might fear not having anything to say to them. 

One remedy for dreaded small talk is to come up with questions beforehand. A few conversation starters could include the following: 

• What genre of music is your favorite? 
• Where did you grow up? What did you like about it? 
• I need a new hairstylist. Who do you use?
• I'm new to this city. What's your favorite activity here? 
• What movie would you recommend to anyone? 
• What life lesson has stuck with you the most? 
• What do you love most about your job? 
• What would you do if you had all the money in the world? 

Try to avoid questions that allow for "yes" or "no" answers and use more open-ended questions that start with how, who, where, when, what, and why.

The answers to these questions might teach you that you have more in common with the person than you thought. If not, they may still help break an awkward silence. When asking questions, allow the other person an opportunity to expand on their answer and ask you questions. Otherwise, the exchange might seem rehearsed or like an interview. 

Stay present in social situations

Another way to become more outgoing is to be present in social situations. If you are shy, you might have the urge to withdraw from conversations, content with daydreaming in the background. Instead, consider staying present with the conversation. Pay attention to what is being said, who is saying it, and your surroundings. Focus on physical sensations like sounds and smells. Note that a genuine compliment may help you start a conversation with someone.

Think positively

When meeting new people, try to keep a positive outlook. You can combat any negative thinking by replacing maladaptive thoughts with positive and realistic ones. Try not to be your own worst critic. Before interacting with people, consider visualizing the situation going well and reminding yourself that you can make positive connections, regardless of past mistakes or fears. 

Let yourself visualize walking up to people with confidence and not second-guessing yourself. While it may be uncomfortable initially, coming out of your shell has several benefits. You can make new friends and get more connected with your community. In addition, studies show that social connection can improve mental and physical health and well-being. 

Consider professional support 

You're not alone if you're struggling to socialize or believe you might be living with a condition like social anxiety disorder. Speaking to a mental health professional may offer support to connect with others and target underlying factors behind your shyness.

Online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp may be especially effective for those living with shyness or a social phobia. Studies also back up this format. A 2007 study examined the effectiveness of an Internet and email-based program for social phobia. The program included different methods of connecting with a therapist, such as emails and forums. 80% of the group finished the entire program and felt it was highly effective, ranking similarly to high-quality in-person treatment programs. 

Online therapy platforms can be effective for those who are uncomfortable speaking to a provider in person about vulnerable topics. With online therapy, clients can choose phone, video, or live chat sessions and attend therapy from home, which may allow them more comfort in the therapy process.